December 6, 2007

A slice of my life

10,20,30,40,50 or more
HB let a fart in the grocery store
Killed 80 men trying to hold their breath
Cut another one and killed the rest

Welcome to elementary school, friends.

Have you ever had a rodent infestation? You put out traps, maybe some d-Con?Did the mouse eat the poison then crawl somewhere and die? Do you know that smell? For the last few weeks I have had gas that makes that dead rodent in the wall odor smell good by comparison. I am talking ass gas that makes MY eyes water. Did you ever have farts so rank they wake you up in the night? My wife actually went to sleep on the couch the other night.

I went to breakfast Tuesday morning at my fine Hampton Inn. When I returned to the room it was so malodorous I nearly called the front desk. Then I realised it was the lingering mustard gas released by my sphincter in the night.

Imagine eating a burrito and cabbage and chicken wings washed down by about eight Strohs beers. Throw in some broccoli and some chili. Add some beans, some hot curry and a dose of General Tsao's chicken. The methane produced would be only slightly less malodorous that my current butt waftings.

Did a dead field mouse take up residence in my colon? Have I assumed magical powers or perhaps morphed into some kind of mutant? Instead of awesome knife blades bursting through my knuckles or laser beam eyes I have deadly sulfuric gas spewing from my anal orifice? What kind of cosmic joke is that?

I have to climb back into the old Taurus again today. I dread the lingering swamp gas I know is there. The cold has slowed the molecules, but as I turn on the heat the lingering fart gases will re-energize and assault me in an all out attack on the Maginot Line of my nose hairs. My butt will launch its own Tet Offensive in concert, shooting killer gas up my crack and across my back for a rear assault. Coughing and gagging I will enter my customer's location, wondering if the smell of farts lingers on my clothes like woodsmoke?

When are you going to invite me over, anyway?

No comments:

Consider everything here that is of original content copyrighted as of March 2005