June 30, 2007

Lucky Man

The shoes hurt my feet. I was a bit aggravated. I had to tell one of my buddies he should not be drinking beer in church. He did not see the problem. I told him the Catholics may not mind, but the Methodists had issues with alcohol in the church. I was half irritated because I wanted one of those beers myself.

I had been in an argument with some other people who wanted to mess with my car. Permanent marker does not come off of windows.

The whole thing was becoming a real pain. I cut myself shaving. The photographer annoyed the shit out of me with the stupid poses. Everyone wanted to talk to me tell me this or that, tell me a story or anecdote from their own experience.

I was pissed because I was standing there waiting. I have little patience now. I had less then. Otter was there. So were some other buddies. Finally the ladies came through the doors, things were finally moving.

I could not help smiling when she came through the door at last. She was beautiful: freckles and all. Her hair, her dress, all looked great. My irritation vanished as the organ switched tunes and the audience stood. Even though this all happened twenty-three years ago, I remember many of the details. The minister seemed to drone about the Galatians or some such. We dated six years before we got married, I guess I do have patience when it comes to certain details. At last the deed was done. We were off to the reception and then the best part -- the honeymoon!

Here I sit, twenty-three years later and I remain married. I am short tempered, I find myself incredibly amusing. My hair is graying and maybe even thinning a bit on top, but I really do not care to investigate. Bifocals are on my nose, my gut has grown. I fart a lot. She sports some gray when she does not keep her hair dyed. Her vision is getting bad too. She cannot decide if she needs longer or shorter arms to read a menu. She thinks she is fat. She complains about getting old. I still think she is beautiful and sexy. Some days I look at her and I am filled with desire. I thank God for her every day -- even those when she pisses me off. I suspect I anger her far more than she does me.

I wanted to post a picture from that day, but my scanner is again on the fritz. Trust me, she was the most beautiful woman in the world standing there in the Methodist Church -- June 30, 1984. I am a lucky man.

June 29, 2007

Dear Prosassia

I am still waiting for you to offer rebutal on my post by offering something more substantial than "you are racist, you are offensive.

If you want to involve yourself in adult discussions you have to come prepared.


Waiting...


I like the fact you whined to other bloggers about how mean we were to you.


Come out and play with us, we promise we will not give you a virtual swirley...

June 28, 2007

Too long for a comment

Here are more words of wisdom from our Prozacian Buddy:
I've also seen the tact you are taking in this subject before: acting like you are offended (ha, right) that I used a yokel voice to make fun of your position. I can see why it would anger you, but for you to trot out the laughable argument that I am somehow being a racist (or whatever - an accentist? I don't know what to call it - it's almost as absurd as the Seinfeldian term 'anti-dentite') is absurd, and is a weak defense at best.

Do you mind pointing out in my archives I have taken this position previously? ...chirp.....chirp..... That is what I thought. Your lack of education and debate skills is increasingly obvious. The point of my post was not a defense at all of my position on illegal immigration, but merely pointing out your only criticism of my position was that I was a bigot. I suggested you look at your own rhetoric prior to chucking rocks at my front window.

If you want to defend why we should reward illegal behavior I am all eyes and ears. If you want to continue name calling, well, I will win. If I don't...Big Dick WILL.

I am a bigot?

I try not to take a comment and turn it into a post. But this comment on my despised by the left bird feeder post demonstrates something I find amusing.

Prozacula wrote this:

whenever a winger whines about illegal immigrants and handouts, it almost always seems to come out offensively.

I'm sure you didn't mean it, you little racist bigot! But that's the excuse people like you trot out every time!

"Them's just WORDS," you can protest. "I's jus' sayin' WORDS that you is offended by! I kaint halp if yous folks is takin to offense over mah poor lil WORDS!"

Your ever-so-slightly shaded racist comments are offensive to alot of people because that's what they are: offensive.


Let us parse his words a little. Have you ever notice the lefties and "progressives" like to toss around the racist epithet, yet they are the ones who are the bigots? Why is it when a jerk from New England or the left coast wants to portray a person on the right as dumb, stupid, a hayseed, a hick, a bumpkin, and uneducated , we are always given a Southern accent? Do I speak with a Southern accent? Well judging from the name on the blog, one should assume I live in Indiana. For most East Coasters and Lefties Indiana is in 'flyover country". Well, for a quick geography lesson Indiana touches the Great Lakes, it lies North of the Ohio River. In the Civil War we were part of the Union or Northern army. It is not near Alabama, Mississippi, tidewater Virginia or Texas. Those would be Southern States.

Hoosiers speak with a variety of accents and have a distinct vernacular and dialect of their own. Some have the flat nasal vowels you would hear in Chicago or Wisconsin or Minnesota and Michigan. Some have a more twang similar to Kentucky. Some have the general dialect of Western Pennsylvania and parts of Ohio. For the most part, we are like many Americans and speak with the neutral accent of a TV announcer.

There is no way Prozacula could know if I have the accent of the Southern Indiana hill country or the patois of 'da Region". He does not like my views, so I must be stupid, so I must talk like I come from the fields of Tara.

Prozacula, I find your stereotyping insulting, bigoted and waste of my time. It is the progressive/liberal version of "hey meester want to fuck my seester" Tijuana Mexican or Asians waiters asking if we want "flied lice". Before you start painting me with the bigot and racist brush, you should look in the mirror.

Edit: Since once I get pissed, I stay pissed and just for the hell of it (and I hold a grudge), here is our little buddy Prozacula:



Fucktard

June 26, 2007

Turd earing dirt bags

Did you ever notice trolls never have their own blog, they just show up and leave their little droppings? They are amusing for a moment, but they never seem to be able to do more than call a few names and run away. Too bad they are never interested in a real discussion.

Here is a typical troll comment:

"You are a racist redneck asshole".

Great intellectual debate, Huh?

June 25, 2007

Hot cat, lookin' for a kitty


I do not go to high school reunions. I did not like most of the people I went to school with and I keep in touch with the one or two I did care about. I really have no interest in what Mary is doing or how John is on his third wife. I really do not possess that "high school was the greatest times of my life" gene.

That said, the period when you are in Junior High and Middle School up until you get your drivers licence was a hoot. I would jump on my bike and ride all over town. My friends and I would put in ten, even fifteen miles a day. One summer, maybe my eighth grade year, my friend Jeff and I went to the pool every day. Our goal was to get girls. We would flirt, we would try to grab a little ass, cop a feel, get a kiss. We tried to lure the female by flips and twists and crazy stunts from the diving boards. We swam, we dived, we held our breath. We generally made asses out of ourselves as teen aged boys are wont to do. We held girls and swam with them and pretty much got nothing for our efforts but the chance to buy the girl a coke and hold her wet body on our shoulders in endless games of chicken fighting. We talked a big game, but pretty much scored zero with the girls. We sure had a terrific time trying. There was always tomorrow.

I think that was the summer I acquired a pornographic novel. It was like a two hundred page Penthouse Forum. It was just what I needed -- something to drive my hormone levels even higher! Otter discovered I had this book when I was on my third or fourth reading. When I would not give it to him he ratted me out to Mom.

My youngest will be in the eighth grade this fall. He is spending his days cruising the town on his bike. He is riding hours every day with his friends. I noticed a couple of girls were sitting with him in the score box as he kept the official scorebook at a baseball game last week (this is how he earns money in the summer).

It gives me certain comfort knowing that life has not changed much in the last thirty years. Small town boys still ride their bikes. Girls still flirt. Life is easier with My Space, IM and cell phones making contact a bit easier. Carefree days of summer still pass with the pages of the calender. The Icee or ice cream from the corner store still cools your body after a long bike ride.

Soon my youngest will be driving, dating in earnest and going off to college. I am not sure I am ready.

June 23, 2007

Final Drafts

When one writes a paper for school or prepares a presentation for a business meeting you prepare a first draft. This version is good. It has all of the points you wish to make, but it is not perfect. It has missing punctuation, maybe the charts and graphs are not quite right. This version probably acceptable, and usable, but it is flawed.

You polish things up, fix the errors and the next draft is your final draft, perfect in every way. You love both efforts, but that second is best.

My brother Otter tried to sprinkle some kind of nonsense in the comments on a post yesterday about the oldest sibling being better.
A study came out today stating that the first born are smarter, better looking, and moms likes the first born more…

Far be it for me to piss on his campfire, but life just does not work that way. If the first draft was perfect, there would not be a second. Clearly there was something flawed in the first born, else parents would not have a second child. In our family Otter was a bit, well let us use the term "off"; so they had me. When I came out perfect (although a bit early) they stopped having kids. If you do not believe this theory ask any middle child who Mom loves best.

Sadly Otter, I have to be the one to break this to you -- Mom always loves the youngest best because we are the ones that turned out perfect. There is only one exception to this rule, and that is in my house. All my kids are final drafts and I love them equally. The rest of you older brothers and sisters, sorry if the truth hurts.

June 22, 2007

What does your world look like?

Here is a damn meme you can try. I made it up myself.

Go 1/4 mile from your home and take a picture. What does your world look like? Here is a view from my bug-splattered windshield of the subtle beauty to be found in the nation's breadbasket.

I double dog dare you to play along.


Rainy Days and Mondays...

“The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain.” -- Longfellow


We finally got some rain this morning. I woke at about 5 am to the flash of lightning and the rumble of thunder. It rained for a bit. The ground is so dry I am sure most of the water just ran off. How dry is it? My magnolia is shedding leaves. It is pretty dry when you have to water trees. The little brook in the back yard dried up for a few days, it is now barely running with about a half inch of water. There has been no further sign of the anaconda that stalked me there a few months ago. He moved on I hope. I have seen no shed skin or any other sign of his presence.

The sky is still overcast and there may be another opportunity for precipitation. I hate to see a weekend rained out, but I was beginning to think I was in the desert. I have only had to mow two or three times this year.

Regular season baseball ended with a loss in the league tourney. The boy played very well the last half of the season and was one of the few that consistently hit the ball. Too many errors, too few hits doomed us early and often. Now we gear up for the all-star tourneys and higher pressure games.

It looks like there is more travel on the horizon than usual, with anticipated trips to Arkansas, Oklahoma and Texas (hello Dick, interested in a free dinner?). I also have to make my usual jaunts in Indiana and Illinois.

Thanks to all for your prayers, thoughts and kind words. It means more than you know. I will try to keep you updated.

June 21, 2007

a slice of life

I sat on the porch last night smoking a fine cigar. A gentle breeze blew the leaves on the sycamore in the front yard. I plugged my iPod into my head and watched the fireflies blink their Morse code. While Jim Morrison told me the music was over and to turn out the lights, I puffed contentedly. We had a late dinner of tacos after returning from the ball field. Baseball, tacos and a cigar -- a good evening. The wife and daughter cleaned up the kitchen as the youngest played Wii. For a few minutes bills and work and worry were left behind. When I came in, the wife was on the phone with her sister.

On June 18, 2005 my oldest son broke his collarbone. While my wife was at the hospital with him, she got a call that her brother had suffered a massive heart attack and was not expected to live. Three days later on June 21, her mother entered the hospital for a colonoscopy to remove a cancerous growth. All survived.

Two years later we have learned my mother-in-law is again stricken with cancer. There is a growth in her kidney, most likely a migration from the colon. There is an additional walnut sized growth in her lungs. Without chemotherapy the doctors estimate her days are numbered to four to six months. She is frail, Alzheimer's has claimed her memory. She is terrified. The family is not sure she can survive the chemicals. She is my wife's mother. Is there a choice?

I could rant and wail. The last couple of years have been tough. Every day brings a new challenge. Lefties might spin my sitemeter like a weather vane in a tornado and leave asshole comments, but life moves on. We just have to look for the silver lining of that dark cloud that seems to perpetually darken the Hoosierboy household. I just have to find a few minutes each day when the wind ruffles the huge leaves of the sycamores, the smoke curls from the cigar and David Crosby or Van Morrison or John Anderson croons in my ear.

If there is a lesson I have learned the last couple of years is that we cannot hide from our problems, but we do not have to let them dictate our happiness. The next months will be a challenge. I hope I can remember that lesson.

June 19, 2007

Are you bored yet?

Jerry knows me well, I do not play nice with others. I rarely do the meme thing, because I am a jerk, What can I say? I am torn in regards to the EIDITBHB meme (everyone is doing it but HB). Jerry says I am least likely to play. Do I follow my instinct and refuse, or do I take my normal course of action and do the opposite, just to be contrary. Decisions, decisions.

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
There has been a Joe or Jo in at least 4 generations of my family (including my daughter who sports JO as her middle name). My middle name is the same as my Dad.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
When my Grandma died.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Whenever I take notes, I have to transcribe them quickly, else I will not know what I wrote.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I hate lunch meat. Does Spam count -- I love Spam.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Three. Girl, boy, boy

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
This is a stupid question

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
John Knowles said in "A Separate Peace" that sarcasm is the protest of the weak. I love that quote. Sarcasm rules in my life.

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Nope.

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I parachuted the first TWO times I ever was on a plane. I would do it, sure. Would I seek out the opportunity -- no.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
I do not like cereal much. Corn Flakes or Wheaties, sitting in milk Long enough to get to a soggy oatmeal like consistency.

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Sometimes.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
I used to be physically strong. Now I am getting old man muscles. Mentally strong -- sometimes.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Just about any

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their handshake

RED OR PINK?
I like red

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My amazing ability to instantly forget someone's name. Unless I see their name in print, I've forgotten it before the handshake is over. My answer is the same as Jerry's. Terrible habit in my line of work.

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?


WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Blue jean shorts no shoes or socks

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A bowl of ice cream before bed last night

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The sound of farts

IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
the broken one with label peeled off

FAVORITE SMELLS?
dead skunk in the middle of the road

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Dale

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Baseball, football

HAIR COLOR?
Brown with lots of grey creeping in.

EYE COLOR?
Blue.

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No. Bifocals

FAVORITE FOOD?
Beef and noodles with mashed potatoes

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy endings.

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Knocked Up and Fantastic four silver surfer both last week. Zulu Dawn and Dodge Ball at home

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Yellow NIKE T shirt.

SUMMER OR WINTER?
Fall

HUGS OR KISSES?
I hate to be touched

FAVORITE DESSERT?
key Lime pie. Any pie, but I am not much for dessert

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Book VII in the Brotherhood of War series by WEB Griffin. This is about my fifth time through this series. I started about two weeks ago. I would rather read than do anything

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Picture of my kids about five years ago

WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
Dodge Ball

FAVORITE SOUND?
laughter

ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Depends on my mood. Both are on my iPod

WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
I have been to Germany, Austria, Canada, The Netherlands, France, Italy, England. I never felt further away from home than when I was in New York City

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can touch my nose with my tongue. Ladies ...

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Clinton County Hospital

Pick those berries, mow that lawn

It seems some big liberal/progressives/leftists has taken umbrage at one of my illegal immigration posts. Of course they use the old tactic of the left, instead of debate they label me as too dumb to understand the concept of a parable. Us "beef jerkey brigaders" are just too ignorant to understand that we should not put out birdfeeders, lest we attract Mexicans. Somehow this makes us racist fucks and assholes. Yep, I am the one insinuating Mexicans eat birdseed?

These elite are so ignorant they believe we all have brown people to do our household chores, mow our lawns and do the gardening. Right, and Jeeves drives my children to prep school in the Rolls.

If it is racist to think people should follow the law, then I am guilty. What is so hard to grasp about the term "illegal"? A quick perusal of the police blotter in my small town newspaper will show more than 50% of those charged with crimes have Hispanics surnames. More than 50% of the traffic accidents involve those with Hispanic surnames. Does pointing that out make me a racist?

I am called a racist because I call bullshit on the myth these people do the work Americans refuse? Ask any high school kid looking for a part time or summer job what is available. Even the old standby jobs detasseling and baling hay are hard to come by anymore.

There are several Japanese transplant factories in my community. Managers from Japan come to town with their families. They hire tutors, they create jobs. Their kids go to school and struggle until they learn English. Hispanics come, they demand the school newsletter be printed in Spanish, the schools have to hire aids to teach them English. There has never been a Japanese aid hired. Does pointing this out make me a racist asshole?

Here is what I propose:

1. Build the double fence. Mine it if you have to. Patrol it, use sensors, whatever -- control the border.

2. Place a tax, tariff, surcharge on any funds transfer sent out of the country to Mexico of 20% by any individual.

3. Fine any employer caught hiring illegal workers $100,000 for the first PERSON, Double it for every subsequent illegal hire. I am not talking incident, but every person caught in a raid etc. I am not a computer expert, but I do not think it would be that hard to create a database and find instances of duplicate SSNs being used. Run the search and go after the employers and workers using illegal SSNs.

4. Enforce the laws already on the books. Impeach, prosecute and create a new culture of intolerance for any municipality, Mayor, City Council, LEO who will not enforce the laws on immigration. No safe zones. Banks, DMV, etc. should not be allowed to accept the 'consular ID cards, heck even the Mexican Government will not accept them as valid identification.

5. No more free Citizenship for illegals coming here to drop babies. This one is hard, and needs Constitutional Amendment to happen. This is not what our forefathers had in mind. Illegals should not get rewarded fro breaking the law.

6. Any immigrant convicted of a felony should be deported. No exceptions, illegal or legal.

If that makes me a racist asshole, then I guess I am guilty. Now I am hungry, I think I will get me some beef jerky. In the morning I am going to take down my bird feeder.

June 18, 2007

The King of America

As I look at the news in the Middle East I wonder about the state of our own Union. Just a short time ago the citizens of Iraq proudly risked death to vote for their future government. They bore ink-stained fingers as a badge of honor. Not so long ago in our own country we felt the same way about the right to vote -- it was a privilege, an honor. Today, only a minority bother to vote, and some want to make the act of voting a right instead of a privilege by giving franchise to felons, to illegals.

In the history of Man self governance is a rare thing. Some of us dream of life without government interference. Most humans cannot handle the responsibility that comes with freedom. In the course of history the natural form of government has been a type of monarchy or dictatorship. The leaders and kings put themselves in a position of power because they had the vision and most importantly, the strength to take charge. Sometimes this power passed through heredity. Sometimes a new leader took the reigns of governance through his own power. Almost always, in the history of mankind, power is held by a select group of people over the masses.

Scientist tell us the universe is in a state of entropy. Man wants to bring order to the universe. In government we seek order. Is it possible that a state of order is the natural state of government? Does political consideration defy the Laws of Physics. History shows the natural form of government is a dictatorship, a monarchy, strong rules and regulations. Most of world's religions spell out a single ruler, and offer a set of guidelines under which we should live. Even in those religions that offer a pantheon of gods and goddesses, one is the strongest, the ruler of the gods! Even in religion we want to be told how to behave, what to do. It is with little wonder Man is likened to sheep in the Bible. We are a herd waiting God's border collie to move us from point to point. Strong animals live in packs and groups. In each there is an alpha, the leader of the pack, the top lion in the pride. Only meek animals like sheep allow themselves to be herded. Man is the top predator, yet do we have a tendency to revert to a herd mentality?

Lincoln was right when he said Government was by, of ,and for the People. We can only be governed by permission. At least collectively. If enough of us do not like the government formed to rule our lives, we can change that government. That was the whole premise of our Declaration of Independence. Our Revolution was successful only because enough people believed in the concept of limited government, in the precepts of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

What makes Americans unique in this regard? In the history of Man democracy is a failed concept. The Greeks of Athens tried it with some success, until a crisis allowed a dictator to take charge. The same concept ruled the Romans for a few centuries during the Republic. Yet even the Greeks and the Romans were not willing to opt for a free republic or total democracy. Only a select group of elites were allowed the franchise. Entire groups were not deemed worthy of voting for the common laws and regulations of society. The Roman Constitution allowed for the plenary powers of the Senate to go to the Consuls during times of crisis. The foremost Republican advocates of the day believed dictatorial rule was all that could support them in time of need. Our own Forefathers believed voting should only be allowed to men of property.

Given the history of the world , why are we surprised when the people of Iraq and Afghanistan revert to the historical habit of monarchy and dictatorship? We are seeing before our eyes man waiting for a strong hand to lead them from crisis, to bring order from chaos. As a collective they are unable to self-govern. Show me a representative republic or democracy that has worked in the long run. The nations of South America were colonized by the Europeans. They fought their own wars of Independence and most modeled their fledgling governments upon that of the United States. Yet few have any form of free elections today. Corruption, strongman dictators or else a general sense of anarchy rules in most cases. A few such as Argentina and Chile are currently run by a freely elected Government, but we all suspect change is just a Junta away. In any case, the nations of South and Central America are far from providing the citizens of their nations with the opportunities for material and economic success found in the United States and Canada today.

France staged her own Revolution shortly after our own battle for freedom from Monarchy. In less than a decade they had chosen an Emperor to rule them. Subsequent attempts at a Republic failed in the same vein. France is on the Fourth attempt now? Political Science majors joke that France changes governments every time the wind blows from a new point on the compass. The same is true for the Italians. One only need to look backward in history 50 years or so to see how easily the Spanish and Germans accepted dictatorship as a form of Government. The governments of the Communist Bloc were classic examples of the elite rule over the masses. Asia, and Africa bear no examples of long-lasting democratic government.

Nearly every republic and democracy in the world was formed in the last one hundred years. Britons will claim they have a Republic, but they are unwilling to give up the Monarchical crutch. Something in the subconscious will not allow them to believe they do not need a single ruling figurehead, even in name only. The same is true for the Dutch, the Danes and the Swedes.

Here we stand, The United States, the great experiment. We are a long way from the limited government envisioned by some of our forefathers. The ideas of freedom for the individual and the relative strength of a central government were controversial even at the birth of our nation. Some men believed a strong central government was the only form of government that would work. Others believed the Government that governs least, governs best.

Today we find ourselves in a similar situation. There are some who believe that for the sake of the collective nation government must protect us all. Government intrudes into every aspect of our lives from rules on how a box of cereal must be marked to telling us we have to wear a seatbelt. Some believe even more rule and control are needed. A majority of us believe the government knows best and do not even vote, wanting to be ruled by those who claim to be smarter, better, more successful, better able to lead and govern. There are some who aspire to govern because they feel they are the elite.

Our nation is but a blip on history's radar. our experiment in democracy is an infant among Governments and Nations. Time will tell if we can successfully hold off the the temptation to let others rule us. In the next crisis will we allow a dictator to take charge? Never, you claim! Really? Who do we revere as our best Presidents? Among others, Lincoln and FDR. Both used wartime as an excuse to take away our freedoms. In the case of FDR we elected him an unprecedented third and fourth term. How close in spirit is that to the Consuls of Republican Rome?

The nanny state is alive and well. We must be diligent. We must be willing to fight for our individual freedoms. We must exercise our rights, lest they atrophy and wither. We must fight the temptation to be herded like sheep, to let the strong rule. We must be strong enough to accept the responsibilities of Democracy and self-rule. I am not sure if we are up to the task.

edit: or just read this, by a real writer who can express his ideas in a coherent manner.

June 17, 2007

A Real Pain in the Butt

The boy has a big black and blue and green bruise on his ass. It is in the shape of a baseball. Friday night you could even see the seam marks. He is not unaccustomed to being hit while batting. If you play much baseball it is going to happen. When he was younger he was hit at least once every game, not because he crowds the plate, but because he bats left handed. Young pitchers tend to throw to the outside corner and since 99% of the batters are right handed -- the lefties get hit. Once, as a nine year old, he was hit four times in one game during an all-star tournament. As he is older and playing with the big boys he is not hit so often, once early in the season he was struck on the foot and hard on Friday, right in the ass. He turned to roll away, but the ball still got him. I bet you would have a bruise too if you were hit by an object traveling about seventy miles per hour (112 kph for my metric minded readers).

We played some miniature golf last night. We had a lot of fun, I still cannot believe my wife beat me. I did not get any father's day nookie, but hope springs eternal, there is still tonight. I think the odds are better that I will win the lottery. How sad is that?

Happy Father's Day to you pops out there.

June 16, 2007

Saturday snot drops

I spent a good portion of the morning writing a long political post. I decided not to publish it today because my weekend traffic is lower than my normal anemic hit count. I want to make sure the trolls (Where are you guys?) have an opportunity to read it. Their moms are probably making them wash their pee-stained sheets from the basement bedroom today. Plus, the Fantastic Four movie came out, trolls can never miss a comic book movie. Here is a spoiler: Stan Lee is in the movie in a cameo shot. I know some of you are sporting wood at the very mention of that.

I am also eating bacon today. I am glad you joos and muslims do not partake -- more for me!

The baseball team kicked ass last night. The boy played really well, made a couple of spectacular stops at second base. The tournament starts on Monday and we play the same team we defeated yesterday.

I have to mow the yard today. Our extended drought means the grass is brown and crunchy, but the weeds are making the whole lawn look pretty shaggy.

Happy Father's Day to you all tomorrow. Ladies, if you are not sure what to get your man -- all he really wants is a little nookie. Trust me on this. I would never lead you astray.

Weekend Cartoon

June 15, 2007

Threepeat

On a completely unrelated note, I am enjoying some fine bacon and a cold Dr Pepper for breakfast. I had my coffee and OJ earlier.

I dug out the ice cream freezer and made some home-made ice cream last night. Man, was it good. Only recently have I learned there are a great many people out there who have never had home-made ice cream. You do not know what your are missing. I have an electric model that works pretty good, the crank-type is the best, but it is hard work. Some days it is good to be me.

On being a Hoosierboy

It is Friday. I am reading the blogs over there on the sidebar. I read most of them every day. Just so you know.

Tonight is our last regular season baseball game. We play the other sucky team in the league. We have beat them. We also drew them for the first game of the tourney next week. It will be interesting o see how the team plays. After playing six games in ten days, we have not played for eight days. I was not able to schedule a practice. My employers have this unreasonable demand I actually do some work for my meagre pay. The boy made the all star team. He should have, he has been a starter for the last 4 years and has one of the highest batting averages every year.

The A/C is fixed, pipes frozen, freon added (or whatever they use these days).

I try not to talk about work here, it is a dangerous habit. I have one customer a little more than 2 hours away. Not a long drive, but enough. This is not my biggest customer, but in the top five (The top three account for about 70% of my territory). This customer brought in a new buyer about a year ago.. He is young and is still learning his way, although he says he has previous purchasing experience. Every time I visit he blows me off. Yesterday I spent a whopping three minutes in his office. Nearly five hours total driving to spend three fucking minutes? Why did he agree to the appointment? This guy is incapable of a conversation.

HB: How is business?
Buyer: Not bad.
HB: How does the rest of the year look?
Buyer: About the same as last year.
HB: How is your family?
Buyer: OK
HB: You taking a vacation this summer?
Buyer: No
HB: Do your boys play baseball or soccer (anything?)
Buyer: not really
HB: About your customer who wants you to switch widget suppliers away from us, we will be glad to go and speak with your end user.
Buyer: OK. I will tell our sales guys.
HB: Why don't we go down to that department now and I will tell him what we can do to help keep this customer?
Buyer: Naw, he says he has it under control. Anything else?
HB: only I have to stab you with this mechanical pencil right in the jugular vein...

Is it a power trip to make me drive up there and blow me off? Is he incapable of conducting a conversation? Is he afraid to tell me he does not have time (happens every f-ing day) when I call for an appointment (I NEVER visit a customer without an appointment). Is he just a fucking dolt? It will be a long time before I visit again, that I can tell you. How do you even write a call report for a three minute conversation? This guy is like talking to drywall.

TGIF

Algore is a dumb ass

The Czechs get it. I get it. Why is Algore so stupid?

Read this.


stolen from Woods Walker

June 13, 2007

Women

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So,one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

The third Monday this week

Did you miss me yesterday? The computer was down most of the day. I have been infected with a nefarious virus. I spent much of the day trying to kill it. I have only partially succeeded. The notorious, and as I read, hard to destroy Smitfraud-C is in my system. Unwanted pop-ups appear all the time. One of the ads is a program to get rid of smitfraud. These scumbags should be hung, drawn and quartered.

As we continue with the summer weather, and lack of any rain at all, my air conditioner has stopped working. I am not as tough as I was as a kid, it was hard to sleep last night.

Each day I wake thankful for my blessings, telling myself it is good to be me. The last two years have made that a tough sell. I know there are people far worse off than I, but some days it is hard to be upbeat. If you happen to have a winning lottery ticket you want to split let me know!

Well, I need help fighting my computer carcinogen, if you have any recommendations, let me know.

June 11, 2007

Bird feeders and other tales

I received this in an Email this morning:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.
< /SPAN>
Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere.

Then some of the birds turned mean: They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud: They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.

I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quiet, serene and no on e demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now lets see...our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be a automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.

Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families: you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor: your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English: Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press "one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.


Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist."

Housekeeping

The Hoosier Blog Alliance is gone. The very few that still post have been added at random to my blogroll. If I missed you please drop me an email or comment.

I added a few blogs and erased a few others. If you want to be added, and I have no idea why you would want to be associated with this piece of crap blog, let me know.

June 10, 2007

Public Service Announcement

Remember the "Star Wars kid"? This is almost as funny.



Watch. Laugh.

I see the cold mist in the night...

I realized a few days ago something was missing from my life. It was a case of not knowing you missed that particular annoyance until it returned. On and off, for as long as I can remember I have heard music in my head. Not bells or ringing in my ears, but songs, lyrics, drums, the whole shebang. I have written about it before, and at times it is an annoyance.

I am not sure when I lost this ability, but it was sometime in the last several months. I wonder if it is related at all to the frequent writer's block and complete loss of creativity I have been experiencing? May be stress causes the music to come and go? Maybe I just was not listening.

Anyway, for the past several days the music is back. This morning I am hearing Perpetual Change from Yes. Lat night it was the Allman Brothers version of Stormy Monday.

Does anyone else have the perpetual earworm disease?

June 9, 2007

You cannot make this stuff up

From the Shelbyville News, Friday June 8, 2007.:

6/8/2007 2:00:00 PM Email this article • Print this article
Police, Fire, & Hospital
INCIDENTS


4:02 a.m., unit block of East Rampart Road - Kenneth W. Lee, 35, Versailles, was arrested for fleeing law enforcement after driving his van at a high rate of speed through a motel parking lot, then stopping and fleeing, even after the officer identified himself and ordered him to stop. Lee told Patrolman John Renbarger he ran because he did not want to be seen the way he was dressed. He was wearing a skirt, high heels, stuffed bra, black pantyhose, a blouse and makeup.


I do not possess the vocabulary to express my thoughts on this article.

Go home

In a lot of ways I am like Forrest Gump; I am not a smart man. I never used to think so, but when it comes to this whole immigration issue I believe the solution is not that hard. If you are here illegally you must go.

I understand the concept of shipping home 12 million or so people will cause a problem. After all, most of these people are doing a job of some sort. I do think that if we take away the incentive to be here most will return of their own accord.

I have expounded on this many times and I have yet to get any rebuttal on these proposals:

1. Build the double fence. Mine it if you have to. Patrol it, use sensors, whatever -- control the border.

2. Place a tax, tariff. surcharge on any funds transfer sent out of the country to Mexico of 20% by any individual.

3. Fine any employer caught hiring illegal workers $100,000 for the first PERSON, Double it for every subsequent illegal hire. I am not talking incident, but every person caught in a raid etc. I am not a computer expert, but I do not think it would be that hard to create a database and find instances of duplicate SSNs being used. Run the search and go after the employers and workers using illegal SSNs.

4. Enforce the laws already on the books. Impeach, prosecute and create a new culture of intolerance for any municipality, Mayor, City Council, LEO who will not enforce the laws on immigration. No safe zones. Banks, DMV, etc. should not be allowed to accept the 'consular ID cards, heck even the Mexican Government will not accpt them as valid identification.

5. No more free Citizenship for illegals coming here to drop babies. This one is hard, and needs Constitutional Amendment to happen. This is not what our forefathers had in mind. Illegals should not get rewarded fro breaking the law.

6. Any immigrant convicted of a felony should be deported. No exceptions, illegal or legal.

Did you know the DOT is going to allow Mexican trucking firms and drivers unfettered access to our roads and highways? The Houe voted overwhelmingly to stop this nonsense, but the Bush-led DOT is going forward anyway as soon as July of this year. There is no evidence Mexico has control over thier trucking industry and driver and vehicle safety. The DOT is going forward because the Senate has not moved the Bill to committee. Why is this a good idea? Write your Senator and tell them to get this stopped.

There you have it, HBs guide to solving the illegal immigrant issue. Follow these steps, then we can discuss guest workers, visas, etc. Treat this like a plumbing problem: find the leak, stop the leak, then repair the plumbing. Congress is trying to replace every pipe in the house and modify entire sewer system. What they should do is crawl under the sink and turn off the water. I like a good debate, show me the error of my ways.

June 8, 2007

Friday Grab Bag

I could give you several posts today, I am in a Chatty Cathy type mood. I am pretty excited still about something that happened earlier in the week, even though many of you will not care. During our baseball game Wednesday night my team turned a triple play. This is a rare baseball feat. It is the first I have seen in person. The play for the true cognoscenti was a 4-3-2. It began with a line drive to the second baseman (little HB) who whipped it to first to get that runner leaning off base then a rocket to home to get the runner from third who was tagging up. I have to tell you I nearly wet my pants. It made losing yet another game by one run almost worthwhile.

I am told insects have tiny brains, they are capable only of motor functions and survival thoughts. I disagree. Why else would the little juice filled bastards know exactly where to throw themselves at my windshield to get the most from their kamikaze attacks? Every time I get a big, slimy hit on a bug it is right where I look through the windshield. I have to spend the next hours looking at guts and gore. Windshield washer only spreads it around. Yesterday, one of these little insect splodytards made such a mess I had to pull over at the next exit to wash off the windshield at a gas station. I swear if there is reincarnation, those Islamic assholes either were, or will be, insects hurling themselves in useless self-destruction at any available piece of auto glass. It reminds me of the joke I tell my kids -- What is the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? It's ass! Hah. Oh quit, you will repeat it before the day is out.

As I was doing my work thing this week I mused I used to travel to the Pacific Northwest, The Netherlands, Germany, The Carolinas and New York among other places on a regular basis. Now I go to Monon or Kendallville, and Anna and Rockford. I am home with my family more and I am not spending three or four nights a week staring at the art work on the wall of whatever hotel I am in. Life is good.

Today is my wife's birthday. I have to go and get her something. I have procrastinated because I have no idea what to get her. She already has me, I imagine all gifts pale in comparison. Anyway finances are tight so I will get her something (?!?) and a nice dinner, most likely. We have no ball games on her birthday, the first time in many years. She will be xx old this year. Hey, I am not as stupid as you think I am, peoples. I will not publish that info, even if she does not know about this mess of rambling incoherent half-formed thoughts and musings I call Fat in Indiana. Suffice it to say she will still be older than me.

The little one had all-star tryouts for baseball last night after our game. I am not coaching this year. He played very well. I believe, but I am not impartial, his starting spot is secure. He will move from second base, where he plays in the regular league to the outfield. He has become a good outfielder and at this age (he is 13) there is no longer the "put the crappy players in the outfield" stigma. As he points out, he sees more action than some of the infielders. The team made it to the Regionals last year (5 state championship, one round short of the World Series) and look good again this year. Of course there is always the angst and worry he will not make the team, especially since the manager and I had a falling out last fall -- the reason I was not asked back to help coach. We can only hope that he does not take out his frustrations with me on my kid. That would be a pretty shallow asshole. My son already has to fight the fact his Father and Grandfather did not play baseball here. Welcome to Small Town, John Mellencamp.

June 6, 2007

June 6

I originally published this on June 6, 2005. It is still appropriate.

Monday, June 06, 2005
"The most difficult and complicated operation ever to take place"
The Above quote is by Winston Churchill. Joseph Stalin said
"The history of war does not know of an undertaking comparable to it for breadth of conception, grandeur of scale, and mastery of execution."


June 6, 1944. Not many under the age of 40, or maybe even 60, know the importance of this date. D-Day. The assault on Normandy, an operation that has never been equaled in the anals of history. The landing location was kept a secret, the Hun was stunned to the very core. Yet it was a close thing. Read the fine tome by Stephen Ambrose. Did you think Private Ryan was graphic? Read the words of the men at Utah, Gold, Juno, and Omaha beaches.

Nearly 175,000 Canadians, British, and Americans landed on D-day, at a cost of more than 10,000 casualties. We do not know for sure. It was only after several days of fighting that role calls were made, paperwork completed. Over 6,600 Americans were casualties, over 2,000 of those were on Omaha Beach and 2,500 were from the Airborne troops. These men sacrificed to save the world from the likes of Hitler. They freed Europe and saved France from its own traitorous Vichy Government.


"As the first men jumped, they crumpled and flopped into the water. Then order was lost. It seemed to the men that the only way to get ashore was to dive head first in and swim clear of the fire that was striking the boats. But, as they hit the water, their heavy equipment dragged them down and soon they were struggling to keep afloat. Some were hit in the water and wounded. Some drowned then and there... But some moved safely through the bullet fire to the sand and then, finding they could not hold there, went back in to the water and used it as cover, only their heads sticking out. Those who survived kept moving with the tide, sheltering at times behind underwater obstacles and in this way they finally made their landings.

Within ten minutes of the ramps being lowered, Company A had become inert, leaderless and almost incapable of action. Every officer and Sergeant had been killed or wounded... It had become a struggle for survival and rescue. The men in the water pushed wounded men ashore, and those who had reached the sands crawled back into the water pulling others to land to save them from drowning, in many cases only to see the rescued men wounded again or to be hit themselves. Within twenty minutes of striking the beach Company A had ceased to be an assault company and had become a forlorn little rescue party bent upon survival and the saving of lives."

Official Unit Report, Company A, 116th Infantry, 29th Division.


On the backs of these men and the rest of the "Greatest Generation" that we owe our freedom today. Thank God for them in your payers tonight.

Lower the flag, Boys

From the Shelbyville (IN) News:

6/5/2007 3:30:00 PM Email this article • Print this article
'Skippy' dies after being tranquilized
Kangaroo eluded search for two days

B.J. Fairchild-Newman
Staff Writer

A Shelby County kangaroo's brief taste of freedom ended on Monday when he died at his local home after being shot with a tranquilizer dart by a Hancock County Animal Control officer.

WISH-TV of Indianapolis reported that the 6-foot-tall marsupial named "Skippy" escaped from his rural Fountaintown home after two teenage girls opened his cage as a prank.

The Shelby County Sheriff's Department and the Hancock County Sheriff's Department then proceeded to hunt for the elusive animal after he was reported hopping down State Road 52 near the intersection of SR 9 in Shelby County. The search was called off late Saturday night when the animal was not spotted, and no one reported sighting the animal during the day on Sunday.

Misty Elliott, superintendent of Greenfield-Hancock County Animal Control, said her department received a call between 9 and 10 p.m. on Saturday after owners David and Sue Schutt reported the kangaroo missing.

Elliott said her department contacted an Indianapolis veterinarian who specializes in exotic animals and received information about the dosage of tranquilizer appropriate for a full-grown kangaroo and then joined the hunt, but the animal eluded authorities.

"We were told to use a premix of xylazine and ketamine, and we even loaded a lower dosage than the vet suggested," Elliott said.

Even though most people do not consider kangaroos as dangerous animals, Elliott said a kick from one could be lethal to a human.




"This is how they defend themselves," Elliott said. "They are extremely strong animals."

At 3:22 a.m. on Monday, the Shelby County Sheriff's Department received a report of the kangaroo again hopping down SR 52, and Greenfield-Hancock County Animal Control responded with their tranquilizer gun. Animal control officer Roger McKinney II was able to shoot the kangaroo with the tranquilizer. Elliott said that McKinney reported that the animal was groggy but still conscious while the officer and owner David Schutt loaded Skippy into the animal control truck for transport back to his Fountaintown home.

Elliott said the kangaroo was still alive when McKinney left the Schutt home, but the owners discovered him dead in his pen later Monday morning.

The Schutts did not respond to phone calls made to their home on Monday afternoon.

According to Dean Shadley, a wildlife conservation officer with the Indiana Department of Natural Resources, no permit is required to own a kangaroo because they are not classified as "vicious or endangered."

June 5, 2007

Death of a salesman.

I am off to do my Willie Loman thing; to convince potential customers to buy my superior products. Wingtips are are laced, the tie is knotted around my neck like the noose it is. Face is shaved, teeth are brushed. I don't need luck, this is my job and I have resigned myself I am good at it. I never wanted to be a salesman, but I have been at it for 15 years, I do not think I could go back to the cubicle farm at this point.

Smile HB, and remember it is never a good practice to let people know they are horses asses, even though most people are.

June 4, 2007

Jumpin Jeepers

First I was faced with huge and angry snakes. Now I have contend with this. What next, bears, lions, armadillos and jackalopes? Marsupials on the loose in my geographic environs. Who would have thunk?

June 2, 2007

Swing, and a miss.

I went to buy some tickets to send to a customer yesterday and while at the local Ticketmaster branch I bought some tickets for the local Triple A baseball team. The Indianapolis Indians play at Victory Field, one of the greatest places in the world to watch a baseball game. The whole family minus my oldest son, who had to work, plus my daughter's boyfriend attended the game. We had a great time. Is there a better evening spent than at the ballpark?

Three young couples and their kids occupied the seats behind us. The ladies spent the whole game yakking. One clearly was in the home party business. She spent the whole night talking how she needed one more booking to make her quota. She whined about this ALL NIGHT. She even called prospects during the game. The other ladies looked for excuses to get away. They took turns taking all of the kids (4-5 of them) from babies to maybe 4 years old for walks. This bitch droned on on on. When the other ladies were not around she droned to her husband. A stuck record was more entertaining. I expect people to talk during a baseball game, not everyone is as interested in the minute flow of the game as I. But you would think this woman would pay attention for at least one second. By the fourth inning my son leaned over and said " If she could just book one more spa...". What a bore this woman was.

In all we had a great time. Since my oldest did not get to attend, here is one of my favorite pictures of him taken when he was just a little guy.

That myspace page a few posts below? That is him playing every instrument on every song. He is just learning to write songs, but he is getting better.
Consider everything here that is of original content copyrighted as of March 2005