February 28, 2010

I want it I want it I want it

I will buy this the next time I am at the store.

Imagine it on chicken, on hamburgers, on a BLT! A bacon flavored bacon sandwich.....

February 27, 2010

No service today

I woke up in a good mood this morning. I got dressed and made some coffee. I braved the cold and gently falling snow to my curbside mailbox and newspaper bin. No newspaper. Again. This is the fifth time in under three weeks the local fish wrap has failed to arrive. The snow around me was melting do to the heat of my anger. My blood pressure was sky high.

It is not that I care so much about the contents, the local paper became a joke years ago. It is mostly AP stories and local high school sports. The Saturday edition usually contains human interest stories clearly written during the week. It is not so much that I cherish the five minutes (or less)I spend six days a week reading the paper. It is the principle that I bought and paid in advance for a service. Giving me Saturday's paper on Monday, or a credit does not adequately compensate me for the aggravation of not getting what I paid for. I am petty, but I want that carrier to have to be inconvenienced by bringing me my birdcage liner. If he has to leave the comfort of his home to do what he is paid, maybe he will quit skipping my house. It is not like the old days where some teenager is trying to make a buck, Ipay extra since I am a "motor carrier route".

Of course, the local newspaper offices are closed on Saturday. There is no recourse, I left a nasty message on their recorder, but nothing will come of it. I will bet they will not even call to apologize on Monday. That idea pisses me off even more. Now I will stew about it and come Monday morning I will be in a real rage against the paper. I might even tell them to shove it. I will not let it ruin my weekend though; it is just 8 or 10 pieces of newsprint. I ca compartmentalize better than that.

I guess customer service went to Mexico and China with the other jobs. No, I am mistaken, customer service jobs all went to India.

February 26, 2010

Today's earworm


I am not sure why this is bouncing around my skull today. I have never been a huge Rod Stewart fan. I heard this in my brain when I woke up, and I thought you should hear it too.

We should have Governement run health care because those who do want it are just smarter than I am

Liberals, Socialists, Progressives, Communist; different labels for similar products. They all have one thing in common. Those who agree with the tenants of a strong Government, who believe in income redistribution, who think it is the role of the Government to address the ills of society (real or imagined) all believe they are smarter than those who believe otherwise. They know in their hearts they are more compassionate, more feeling and care far more about the common man. They are the nanny, the teacher, the wisest among us who will lead us and take care of us. If they get a few privileges along the way, well, that is their right for being better and smarter than you and I. If some of us do not care to participate then we are heartless, greedy and dumb.

What if I do not want to be mothered and have my needs provided? What if you believe YOU know best for your family? The Progressives will do what is best for you in their eyes anyway. By force if necessary. The basic tenant is always in their message -- each will work to his ability and receive according to his needs. "They" will determine the "needs".

History is legion with examples of Socialists and Communists compromising by force. You see, compromise means YOU give in. 100,000,000 people failed to compromise with Stalin and they disappeared. Twice that number reached a compromise with Mao in China during the Communist Revolution. They also gave their lives. Should I mention the killing fields of Laos and Vietnam after the socialists took charge? Compromise seems to be a my way or the highway for these people, and the highway is clearly one-way.

We saw a similar "highway option" presented by the Democrats at yesterday's so-called Health Summit. You could see in their eyes and the smirks on their faces the lack of intent to offer any compromise at all. There was no consideration of reducing the cost of health care through tort reform or interstate purchases of health insurance. There was Obama's plan. The Republicans were expected to give. That was the only compromise on the table.

Then came the threats. Now the big bad Democrats will force Americans to the Compromise in the good old fashion way -- they will force it upon us whether we want it or not. Remember, they know what is best for us and if we do not see it, it is only because we are too ignorant, too stubborn, to clingy to our guns and religion and stupid, stupid ways.

They will ignore the facts that their plan will cost money we do not have: as a society, a government, nor individuals. They ignore the truth that what they want is not in the purview of the Constitution. They ignore what they desire is expressly NOT wanted by the American public.

Yesterday was a public civics lesson. You see what Obama and his team have in mind -- go along with what Obama wants or get it anyway. You see why they have avoided public transparency all along -- it makes them look bad. Someone is going to pay for making Obama and his team look bad in front of all America.

That someone will be you and I.

February 25, 2010

Did you know

Adolf Hitler had only one testicle?

February 24, 2010

First and last commentary on American Idol

Ellen is a disaster as a judge on American Idol. She hasn't a clue. She either parrots the other's comments, or utters meaningless banalities like "Don't be mad at yourself". WTF?

Putting her on the show was a joke.

Midweek ramblings

Sorry. But I think my positive attitude is broken right now.

I wished I had written that. But I didn't. Freddie did. She needs some positive reinforcement, even though she is right on track. Go over there and give her some love. This time of year does that to you; puts you in a bad mood. By late February we are sick of the snow, the cold. But more than anything, we are tired of the low, gray clouds. A little sunshine can so make your day better.

I did something last week I rarely do. I spent money on me. I bought myself a new humidor. It is supposed to be delivered today. My current model is at least a decade old, and it was a cheap one to start with. It has never had a good seal, and it takes constant monitoring to keep my cigars fresh. Did I need it? No. Did I want it? Yes. The one I chose was on sale, so I compromised a bit, passing on the model I really liked. It is double the capacity of my current humidor. I am sure you have already guessed that means I will get to buy more cigars! Too bad there has been little opportunity to enjoy a fine smoke with the long bout of below normal temperatures we have been cursed with so far this year. In fact it is snowing as I type.

My quarterly forecast is due tomorrow. I am nearly done. I have to get it into the overnight mail this afternoon. I am sick of staring at numbers, I can tell you that. It is all a f-ing guess anyway. Until the current administration offers a positive sign to businesses there will be no strong recovery. What businessman would hire anyone with the threat of increased taxes and regulatory costs hanging over his head? Why would you hire someone when you could be faced with onerous health care mandates? Obama already promised you he will increase your energy costs if he can get Cap and Trade passed. When we expect to be laid off at any time there is no incentive to buy a big ticket item. No purchases, no need to hire new employees.

Sadly, the Obama team is determined to moving in directions that discourage business. They are hellbent on passing legislation unwanted by the American People. There are many examples of how to end an economic recession. Too bad Obama and his ilk are socialists at the core, not capitalists. JFK, Reagan, and even further back in history McKinley all showed us the way. Too bad Liberals would prefer to put their fingers deep in their ears, close their eyes and chant "lalalalalala" Hoping for Change.

February 23, 2010

The Republican Health Care Proposal

We ask that President Obama and Congressional Democrats join with Republican leaders to start over on health insurance reform.

We ask that they help craft sensible reforms designed to lower costs and expand access without violating individual rights or the integrity of the market.

We ask that they enact medical liability reform and put an end to frivolous lawsuits that drive up the cost of medicine.

We ask that they allow individuals and small businesses to pool together to purchase high-quality affordable health care coverage.

We ask that they allow Americans to shop for health care coverage from coast to coast and purchase insurance policies across state lines.

We ask that they create new incentives to save for current and future health care needs by allowing people to use their health savings accounts funds to pay premiums for high deductible health plans.

We ask that they guarantee individuals with pre-existing conditions or past illnesses access to affordable coverage through the expansion of state-based, high-risk pools, and reinsurance programs.

We reject any attempt by the federal government to force any American to purchase an unwanted insurance plan.

We reject any attempt to implement a government-run insurance program.

We reject individual mandates, rationing, and special deals for any state.

We reject a separate set of rules for government and private sector health insurance purchases.

We oppose any plan that betrays our senior citizens by cutting Medicare coverage, or that allocates taxpayer funds to pay for abortion.

We reject any proposal that authorizes a government takeover of any portion of our health care system.

We ask that Congress and the President above all pledge to ensure the constitutionality of any health insurance reform legislation considered by the federal government.

We implore the President and his allies to listen to the will of the American people and start over on health insurance reform.

read it here

February 22, 2010

As if you needed more websites to read everyday...

I have several apps on my iPhone that amuse me. One of my favorite is FMyLife. This is a collection of losers telling about the things that make their life miserable.

you can visit the website here. Often, I think my day and life suck until I read these posts. Here is an example:
Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him "Where did you go to the potty?". He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML

I also liked this gem:
Today, my pet rat had babies. We've only ever owned one rat. FML

Then there is this idiot:
Today, I had an interview for a college. The college is in Rhode Island. I live on the West coast. When I asked the interviewer if they got to the mainland by boat or by some other form of transportation, he told me Rhode Island is not an island. FML

And doesn't this story of family life bring a tear to your eye?:
Today, my daughter told me she wanted to be a stripper when she grew up, just like daddy's girlfriend. We're still married. FML


Go and read for yourself.

Today's earworm



This is whaat I hear in my skull today. This and the voices.

How about you?

February 20, 2010

A Movie Review

The wife wanted to go see the movie Dear John last night. I give it a solid 2-1/2 out of 5. It wasn't nearly the total chick flick I expected, but it was not an awesome movie either. I will not go into details, but let me say this -- what a bitch. Guys, if you want a nice date movie that is not an over the top romance, you will be able to stand this movie. Hey, if she will go see Transformers, Avatar or GI Joe with you, you can do this for her.

I need to get busy and help out a little around here. You know, dust or run the sweeper or something. I did activate my new debit card this morning. Maybe I do deserve a rest! I bet I could find a nice action DVD, a real manly movie with Clint, or the Duke to wash away the chick flick experience. I need to find something with explosions and guns and maybe some damn Nazi killing. Horses or cannon will also do the trick. Some female nudity always cleanses the romance from the brain.Hold on...

I just went to the awesome DVD cabinet. I have not seen The Blue Max for a while. I found a copy of The Great Escape that is unopened. Ooooh, maybe Master and Commander? Bonnie and Clyde, The Longest Day, or Big Jake? Do I want The Warriors or Full Metal Jacket?

I received a copy of Woodstock for Christmas, but I do not think that fits my mood this morning. Do I want to go the comedy route, Happy Gilmore or something from Dean and Jerry? The boy has a copy of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I could do Animal House or The Blues Brothers. I am sure the lovely Esther Williams is out of the question,as is Elvis. I need something manly like The Outlaw Josey Wales or Jeremiah Johnson.

I could watch my set containing the entire first season of Rat Patrol, or maybe John Wayne in North to Alaska. The Godfather (Parts I and II) sits quietly yet powerfully offering a viewing I cannot refuse. Dare I give up the three hours each volume demands?

Joe Kid, or Patton? Zulu Dawn or Zulu? Platoon or Saving Private Ryan? I could watch The Alamo or Billy Jack.How about Platoon, Gettysburg, Heartbreak Ridge or The Dualists?

There it is; the perfect Saturday morning movie...

February 19, 2010

Friday Five -- what is pissing me off edition

Here are the five things that seriously chap my ass this morning.

1. I did not receive my newspaper. Again. This is four times in less than two weeks. The paper is a poorly written rag with two day old news, but it is the only way to get the local news. How bad is the paper? Monday night football is covered on WEDNESDAY. You get this kind of quality reporting for $0.75/day. I can get the Indy Star for the same price and four to five times the content. Although the reporting and left-wing bias lowers the value.All the lady on the other end of my blistering phone call could say is " we have talked to your carrier." If you do not call before 10:00 am, they will not even bring you a replacement copy. That is some fine customer service.

2. I am tired as hell. I was up until after two.

3. I only have two things pissing me off so far today. That means I cannot even complete the hated Friday Five. I have not read the news yet, so that may resolve itself.

Help me here, People waht gives you a case of the red ass this fine Friday?

On an up note, Pitchers and Catchers reported this week!

Disco Inferno makes me thing of burning disco records

I watched a DVR'd recording of Saturday Night Fever tonight. My brother (Otter) calls me up to ask me a question. I tell him what I am watching. He laughs and asks if I have my white polyester leisure suit on. At that exact moment the scene where Travolta wears that suit (the bug dance contest) comes on. I bet Erica tawks just like the chicks in that movie.

For some strange reason I find the TLC show BBQ Pitmasters compelling.

My old buddy insomnia has stopped in for a visit. It is 1:30 in AM, I am ready for him to go bother someone else. 6:00 in the morning is going to roll around pretty fast. I did do a load of laundry (towels). There is some sausage in the 'fridge calling my name. I must resist the temptation to make some sausage gravy or even some sausage and eggs.

More snow is on tap for this weekend. Whee!

I have never really figured out why I waste so much time on this damn blogging thing. I do know some posts are written solely for me. The one I wrote yesterday is a perfect example. Sometimes I really crack me up. If you are not quite so amused, that is OK too.

In political news I can save Obama a lot of time. He does not need a blue ribbon panel to study the and find ways to reduce the deficit. Quit spending, dump all legislation that will increase spending (health care, cap and trade, and repeal what stimulus money has not been spent). Reduce taxes, especially business taxes (businesses do not pay taxes anyway -- you do. Email me if you do not agree or understand this fact of life). Cut all non-essential spending. If it ain't listed in the Constitution it is a responsibility of the individual or the States. Mandate, until some of the programs can be disbanded, that no Government budget will increase more than the rate of inflation for the previous year. Sorry Seniors, no inflation , no SS raise. Let me let you in on a secret. All of us live on a fixed income. You have received a raise since anyone I know in the workforce.

How much longer are the f-ing Olympics on? I do not mean tonight, I mean in general? I saw someone is giving away lifetime trips to the Winter Olympics. My first thought it must be the booby prize. Then I realize some people like this stuff. There are also people who like to be whipped by fat chicks in studded leather. Some people actually watched Rosie O'Donnell.

Hey, did you see Chris Mathews on Jeopardy? What a maroon, as Bugs Bunny likes to say.

February 18, 2010

Me and Obama

President Obama's stimulus has saved over 2,000,000 jobs.

I have created and saved 643,137 jobs.

You better get busy.

In addition:

I can eat 100 boiled eggs.

I can run the mile in under four minutes.

I once ate an entire elephant in one sitting.

I lifted a car off a pregnant woman.

I performed open heart surgery using only a ball point pen and a plastic knife. The patient went on to create and save an addition 9,766 jobs.

The Yankees wanted to draft me instead of Jeter. I turned them down.

Bill Gates occasionally asks me for a loan to get him through until payday.

Brooklyn Decker will not quit calling me for dates.

Payton Manning often calls me for advice from the sidelines. I am sure you have seen him on the phone.

I can shoot laser beams from my eyes.

I once made a horse cry.

I caused global warming

When I am in a playful mood I sometimes ride on the back of my pet grizzly bear.

Women want me, men want to be me.

I think I will save another dozen or so jobs this morning.

February 17, 2010

What Dan-O calls a compost

I sometimes slum around other blogs that sport a different political position from mine. This is important, because if you only listen to a single viewpoint you fail to consider all angles of a given situation. In my high school debate days, I prepared my case by taking the opposing viewpoint. This allows you to formulate a valid response.

There is an interesting debate going on at Ms O'Brien's. She has shut down comments. Interesting in that either some of my comments were somehow not posted, or they were deleted. I hope it is the former.

It is Ms O'Brien's position partisan bickering and gridlock in the Congress give comfort to the enemy -- it aids and abets terrorism.

This argument is fear mongering at its worst. Pass our agenda or the evil ones win.This has long been an excuse to institute tyranny. It was wrong when used to pass the Alien and Sedition Acts, and it is wrong now. This argument is akin to telling your three year old to go to sleep or the bogeyman will come out of the closet. It is bad parenting and worse political philosophy.

For the sake of argument, I will address the issues presented in the post and comments at Erin's anyway. There is the quick and easy response -- if you do not want gridlock and partisan bickering do not press an agenda that is an athema to the other party and a majority of Americans! Do not write bills without input from the opposing party and try to cram them through in the dark of night. That is the quick and dirty answer.

The more appropriate answer is twofold. Partisan bickering is as old as the Republic. The only time either party cries about it is when they are unable to pass their agenda. Get over it. The beauty of our Government is that the minority has its say and the majority has its way. It is disingenuous to pretend the Republicans are responsible for stopping the Obama/Pelosi/Reid statist programs when in fact the Democratic Party had a super majority in both Houses. As I have stated many, many , many times here the Democrats could pass any piece of legislation they so chose. It is the failure of the leadership of the Democratic Party to get things done, not the GOP. And seriously Erin, if the deficit and weak dollar is helping the terrorists, it is not the gridlock causing that. You can blame the stimulus that did not stimulate and the trippling of the deficit in one year of the the Obama administration. I know you have seen the graph that shows the whopping deficits began when the Democrats took control of Congress in 2007. Again, you might not like the source, but as Gradgrind said "facts is facts" (catch the literary refernce -- not all Conservatives are dumb)(although some of us are piss poor typists).

If you read the comments to O'Brien's post, there is a thread about terrorism and its nature. Jonas, whom I respect, maintains that terrorism is a product more of environment than religion. He is a scholar of religious studies, so I am sure he knows what he is talking about. He is right that we do not see terrorist attacks from Muslims in Toledo, Dearborn and such. He also should recognize there is a very common element to terrorist attacks in the past twenty-five years -- they are virtually all committed by Muslims. You do not see the equally poor and oppressed of Haiti putting explosives in their Fruit of the Looms, or Mexicans flying into buildings. You do not see the poor of Brazil blowing up pizza places and taking schoolchildren hostage. Cubans are not bombing Embassies and as far as I know, not a single Ecuadorian has beheaded a reporter shot up an Army base.

Then there is my buddy Cosmic Navel Lint. Alas in fairness I must admit he banned from his place when I made the indecent comment that the Constitution of the United States limits the power of the Federal Government. I would like to link him, but he asked me to never come back. I have been asked to leave better places. Mr. Lint is as lightweight intellectually as his nickname suggests. He is your typical Kos Kid, he can only fall back on blaming Fox News when he is confronted with an intellectual challenge. I am surprised to did not invoke the "Palin is dumb" meme, and throw in Quayle and Nixon references as well, they are part of the playbook. In Cosmic Lint's world facts are irrelevant if they are presented by non-liberal sources. In his world Fox is untrustworthy because of Beck and Hannity, but he sees no similar issues with Olbermann, Madow and the like. He is unable to discern between opinion and news.

Even worse, the piece of Lint is unable to grasp basic civics of American political structure. Perhaps this is the European in him. He is of the mindset we are just dumb hicks who blunder about the world. He considers us barbarians who lack the political savy and nuances of sophisticated denizens of the EU. To him America is just a bull in the china shop, too dumb to know that socialist policies are best for us. Maybe he is just ashamed deep down in his genes. after all, we Americans defeated the superior British twice and saved their ass twice. You always hate those to whom you are indebted and don't we all resent being bested?. That is just a theory anyway. Somehow I am confident Cosmic naval Lint will find a way to blame Fox News -- that is his stock retort. Sometimes I think he is the bloggyverse version of a cuckoo clock. Instead of an irritating "cuckoo" he chimes a repeated "foxnews, foxnews".

And by the way, CSN, there are lots of Democrats, many Republicans and a couple of Independents in the Senate. There are no teabaggers, Tea partiers, or tea anything in the Chamber. Teapartiers are not a political party. And for the record, we get it. You wrote "teabaggers" Tee hee. What are you thirteen? If that is the best insult you can come up with (it is not even original), I would just retire from commenting on politics and debate in general. Are you going to next try and titillate us (hee hee he said tit) by shouting penis? Perhaps you could put a little more effort into studying the Constitution and American Politics before throwing your two centshalf a Euro.

Anyway, I will end this post with a paraphrase of the comment that was deleted or lost over at the lovely Ms O'Brien's: I have to quit arguing with fools and idiots, they just drag me down to their level and beat me with experience.

Are you sick of winter yet?

February 16, 2010

Did you know

-40 Celsius is equal to -40 Farenheit?

I knew that.

I can also convert millimeters to inches.

Ants do not sleep.

There, you are smarter for reading here today.

Limping Along

If I loved you I would show you awesome pictures of the snow.

I do not have pictures, and you all have seen snow pictures enough to last you a lifetime.

You are all aware that my small campaign against Evan Bayh was the final boot in the ass that made him realize he was done, defeated and toast. You are welcome.

Boy, there are people out there with short attention spans. For you Dimocrits who actually believe the Republicans are obstructionists and just by saying "NO" defeated the awesome-everybody-wants-it-except Republicans-health-care-bill, can I point out that Democrats owned a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate and control by overwhelming votes the House of Representatives? The republicans, up to the seating of Senator Brown of Massachusetts could not prevent any policy, bill or crazy agenda pushed by Obama, Reid and Pelosi from passing.

Pissed that the Country is not embracing your leftist agenda -- blame your own party.

February 15, 2010

Yet another Democrat sees the writing on the wall

Fearing the consequences of his voting record, Liberal Dimocrat Evan Bayh has announced he will not run for re-election.

Please, please Democrats, run that SOB Barron Hill.

The downside is the asshole Bayh can now vote for all of the liberal socialist policies without fear of repercussion. Hurry up November.


h/t Big Dick

Enjoy Your Monday

It is snowing again. The weather pattern is much like we would expect in April, with waves of moisture coming in every three or four days. The only problem it is snow, not rain. We have not been dumped on like some other parts of the country, but we are getting whacked six inches at a time. We now have about a foot and a half on the ground. We are expecting about 4-6 inches more this morning.

It is so flat here that drifting is a major problem. a few inches can create drifts of a foot or more. Six inches of snow gets you three foot drifts in the country. Drifting on the secondary roads has caused school to be cancelled 4 days in the last week (including today). The wife works at the school, and only gets paid if she works, so her next paycheck is going to be mighty small.

There is some good news in the blogggity world. Leeann wrote a whole post about ME!

President's Day. I have the day off!

When your biggest decision of the day is whether to have a Raspberry Zinger or a Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie for breakfast, life is pretty good.

February 13, 2010

Cupid, Draw back your bow

I first posted this in February 2007. It generated a ton of comments. I guess it is appropriate for this weekend to trot it out as a rerun. Sometimes you find love when you are not looking for it

February 12, 2007
A love story


Thursday, the second wrestling meet of the week. I took a beating, yet still won. You remember the old joke about "does your face hurt?", yes it did. On the bus ride home I had time to think. In the dark it all became a stark reality. I just had to get out of going to that dance.

How could I break it to her? She bought a dress, I had ordered the corsage. Dinner reservations were made. I did not even know this girl. I could say I was sick. Think, man, think. If I cancelled I would be a heel, and Teresa would be pissed. That would be bad. She would not like me to cancel a date with her best friend.

Friday, I woke, no closer to a resolution. I had a crush on this girl, Teresa. Her best friend asked me out to a Sadie Hawkins dance. It was a big deal, the biggest dance of the year except for the prom: dresses were bought, suits were worn. I said yes, thinking the girl would talk about how wonderful I was and Teresa would see me as something besides a friend. Sixteen year old boys do not always think logically, especially when it comes to women. Yes, my motive was wrong. I did not care.

Wrestling practice was supposed to be short, most of the team had a date for the dance. I had two black eyes, the result of high cheekbones and sharp elbows. We started wrestling around and my partner Jeff got a bloody nose. He got them all the time and of course, I laughed at him. This really made him mad and he was determined to give me a bloody nose as well. The only problem is I had never had one. EVER. He proceeded to give me several hard cross-faces. He hit me with an elbow, he smashed me with his skull. No bloody nose. I took a quick shower before heading home to get ready for the dance. Shit, my left eye was swollen shut, my right eye and cheek were hues of blue, green and purple. I bet her parents would be real impressed.

I circled the block twice mustering the courage to knock on the door. Her nephew answered. Fortunately she was ready. A few quick pictures and we were on our way. No one asked how I came to look like a prizefighter.

On the way to the restaurant we did not speak much. I gave this girl a quick glance. I barely knew her. Only after she asked me to the dance did I discover her last name. Her short hair was dark, almost black. It fell in soft waves framing her face. Her nose was straight and narrow, freckles covered her cheeks. Her eyes lit up each time she smiled. They were hazel.

We went to the local Moose Lodge for dinner (the oldest in the world), there was not much else in the little town where we lived. I had pork chops. Neither of us spoke much during dinner. Aborted conversations ended with one word answers. "Is your steak OK?"

"Yes, It is fine," she muttered. Oh God, what have I gotten myself into? OK, dinner, go to the dance stay an hour or so and make an excuse to take her home. Maybe I can claim I have wrestling practice in the morning. I noticed her hands. The fingers were long and smooth, a small hint of white fingernail polish graced the long nails. A few freckles dotted her arms. I tried hard not to stare at her chest above the white sleeveless dress. The swell of her breasts was enticing. She was kind of pretty. When she stopped in the ladies room after dinner I briefly thought about just leaving. She was in there a long time, and maybe she was hoping I would.

I still remember clearly the events before the dance. What I ate. The back of my neck burning with embarrassment. The feeling everyone in the dining room knew I was a lousy date, a failure, a hoodlum. The rest of the evening remains a blur. We found our table at the dance. We were sitting with her friends. I knew some of the other guys. The lights were low and suddenly this strange girl looked lovely. The band was playing and we sat and tried again to talk. Finally a slow dance was played and I summoned the courage to escort her to the floor. She fit perfectly in my arms. the top of her hair came to my eyes. Her waist was the perfect size for my skinny arms. She smelled faintly of flowers. After the song we walked to the punchbowl holding hands.

As we sat back at the table I moved my chair closer, we began to find things to talk about. My hand was on her thigh. I forgot my mother's admonition to not try to be funny. Mom told me that often others just did not get my dry sarcastic sense of humor. The girl had the most melodious laugh. We danced some fast songs. She had rhythm, I could only jerk around like a spastic monkey with a lobotomy. I was having a good time in spite of my efforts not to.

Another slow song began and we moved to the floor hand in hand. I put my arms around her, her hands locked around my neck. I looked into her eyes and saw my soul. She leaned to me, and I to her. Our lips met and electricity shot through my body. My hair stood on end. As our tongues met, I never felt like this before! Wow, I said as our lips parted. I was out of breath. I was not sure if we had kept dancing or not. The room spun. I kissed her again.

The night lasted forever and ended too soon. As we made out in the front seat of my parent's Monte Carlo, hurried plans were made for another date the next day. I drove home with her taste on my lips. Pizza, a movie and more electric kisses followed on Saturday.

Monday came and Teresa did not look quite so hot. She asked me how the dance went, a knowing leer on her face. I know now girls talk about that stuff*. Teresa told me she just knew the girl and I would get along. She suggested a double date the next week. Why not?

I found an old picture taken at that dance back in December of 1978. I see a skinny boy, his left eye shut, his right black. I see a couple of kids, unsure of life, of themselves. The pretty girl is standing next to that boy. I know the picture was taken as we arrived, before the slow dances, before the kiss. I know this because in the picture I am just a shy boy, smirking at the world.

I dated the girl for several years. I left for college. I got engaged. I got married.

The girl is now my wife. Her kisses are still electric.


* My buddy Jeff just asked me if I got 'any'.

February 12, 2010

Your Valentine's Day Gift Giving Guide -- Advice from your favorite blogger

Unless you live in a cave somewhere you are probably aware that Sunday is the ultimate Hallmark Holiday. Like it or not men, your lady is expecting something. Do yourself a favor and go get your wife, girlfriend and/or significant other (check all that apply) a friggin card. You should also spend $40 bucks and grab some flowers. You may have to go to Walmart or that creepy guy who sells roses out of his van on Highway 9. Even a cheap bouquet of mixed flowers will work. If that is too much effort, grab a box of chocolates (get the heart shaped box) or even a teddy bear. Jewelry is always a perfect gift. Use your head when gift giving. She does not want uncomfortable underwear and negligees. She does not want a Jersey with her name on the back. If it plugs in or is used to do housework or cooking -- it is not a good Valentine's gift.

Yes, I know it is a stupid holiday, but you just have to play along. Buy her a nice dinner. Hold open the doors (open the car door for her). Compliment your woman. Do not wear your "I'm with stupid" T-shirt. Shave, put on deodorant. Be nice.

Women -- your man does not want any of the items listed above. No candy, no boxers or socks with hearts on them. he does not want a coffee mug. He does not want a cute stuffed animal. Never buy matching shirts. What your man wants is a steak, a beer and some sex. Trust me on this. He is willing to skip the beer and steak if necessary. He only cares about getting a card if you include a hand written coupon for a blowjob, a backrub, and/or a free night of gettin' laid without complaints from you. The old Hoosierboy would not lead down the wrong path. Your man just wants to get laid. To your guy, that is romance.

Men -- turn on the charm. Spend a few bucks.

Women -- give up the nookie. It won't kill you to be a little sexy.

Pygmy Sex, with pictures

Good Morning blog world. I arrived home last night from a whirlwind trip to sunny but cold Florida. I attended the worlds most boring trade show. Fortunately I only had to spend one day at the booth. I flew out of snowy Indy on Wednesday morning and was back home Thursday night. I know, I missed you too.

I bet you did not know that rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendants.

February 9, 2010

Shakin' the bush here boss

There is one thing to be said about getting up at 5:00 am, by 9:00 you have done a bunch of work -- none interrupted by the f-ing phone.

The snow has tapered off a little. It is probably a waste of time to shovel until it is done. I hate my driveway not cleared.

The Creator is shaking his giant snowglobe today

Good morning blog world. I hope this Tuesday finds you warm and dry. We are getting another dose of snow. We have been told to expect 6-8 inches by Wednesday morning. I have a flight out to points south in the morning at 6:00 am, so I hope the snow ends early this evening. I am not looking forward to shoveling the drive and cleaning off the car at 3:00 or 3:30 in the morning to get to the airport.

Now we go to an imaginary news conference:

What? yes, you in the back with hand up. Umm hmmm, yep, OK, The car is in the driveway because the wife finally found a car. You might remember I wrecked her car nearly a month ago. She is happy, I am happy, and I feel we made a good deal (at least a fair deal). Yes, I am aware that if you think you got a good deal, then you probably got cheated.

I have a ton of work to do today. School is closed, so the wife is home and so is the boy. They will be bugging me later, so I better get after it while I can.

February 8, 2010

That is why they play the game

Here are a few random thoughts on the Superbowl:


Why in the world would Jay Leno do a spot advertising for David Letterman, and why would NBC allow it?

For the most part I thought the commercials were rather lame.

Great ballsy move by the Saints to start the second half with an onside kick. That was the difference in the game. How can Mr. Kendra not scoop up that ball? It was kicked right to him.

I am not sure if Reggie Wayne was injured worse than we thought, but he did not have a great game.

Just before the big interception I told my friend "Manning is going to hit Wayne on a skinny post right here for a big gain." If I knew what was coming, the Saints would to. I understand that it is Manning's job to not get hurt, but he could have made a tackle on that interception -- it is the Super Bowl, man. Compare the hustle of Wayne to chase Porter after the interception to the reaction of Garcon in a similar situation a few weeks ago. Garcon chases after Ed Reed and knocks the ball loose. Wayne jogs a few steps after the defender. Again -- it is the Super Bowl.

The Colts defense made a great goal line stand in the 2nd quarter. The offense came out and ran the ball. With a crucial third and one, they try to run right up the middle with the THIRD string running back. WTF?

there were some huge dropped passes for the Colts. They would have been better off to go for it on that fourth and long or punt rather than try to kick a field goal clearly outside of the aging Matt Stover's leg.

In the end, the Saints played better and deserved to win.

February 6, 2010

I have nothing. In fact I am not sure I have the desire to do this any more.

February 5, 2010

Friday Fantasies

The snow team scare team is in high gear this morning as a winter storm is expected today/tonight. We are told we should expect a Kunta Kinte of snow -- a half a foot. So far it is just rain/sleet. The news has been building hype since about Tuesday. I bet every gallon of milk and loaf of bread is gone from the store.

I just poured a big ol' glass of grape juice. There is a floater in it. Could it be a bit of dried detergent from the dishwasher? perhaps it is a bit of grape guts that sneaked past the filter? I will drink it anyway. Live dangerously, I say.

If you are putting money on the Big Game, take the Saints and the points. I think the evil Colts pull out a victory. 28-26.

No Friday covers today. I am sure none of you care.

February 3, 2010

A cure for the common cold -- home remedies that work

Happy Hump day. I hope you are all feeling fine and productive today. I know I do. Too bad that feeling usually wears off by around 10:00 am. It is another typical overcast day here in God's favorite State. It looks like we are set to get a blast of snow Friday and Saturday. I hope not too much -- we have tickets to see The Blue Collar Comedy Tour Saturday night! I could sure use a laugh or two these days.

I am sitting on the edge of my seat to see what Pelosi, and Reid and The Obama have up their sleeve. Those Rat Bastard Leftists are up to something. There is no way they are going to slow the socialist train because some kid threw a few pennies and sticks on the tracks. Those fuckers are like rust -- they never sleep and they will continue to weaken the support structure of our economy at every chance.

The wife is home sick today. She is asleep right now. She started out Monday extremely hoarse (Yay!(relax it was a joke)) and developed a deep cough over the past two days. I offered chest massages, but she was not interested. She did not think pelvic massage would help either. I am not a doctor, and I do not play one on TV, but I do have some good ideas on medicine. I am confident some serious rubbing and poking would make at least one of us feel better. I know she does not feel well, 'cause she is sure irritable.

Maybe I will have more later. Maybe not. Check back often, I need the hits.

February 2, 2010

Groundhog Day

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed I turned on the TV and the movie Groundhog Day was on every channel. I watched it over and over.

February 1, 2010

Boo hoo wahhh wahhh

Here it is Monday afternoon. You would think after pretty much mailing it in to the old blog last week I would be refreshed and recharged. You would also be wrong. You might think that the reason I am not posting my usual insightful, amusing and incredibly brilliant posts is that I am too busy studying up for Black History Month. Again, you would be completely in error. Does that make me a racist bigot, a veritable auxiliary member of the KKK, a redneck Nazi, a latent, modern Nathan Bedford Forrest? I like to think otherwise. Is it wrong to ask why MLK gets a Federal Holiday when Lincoln, and Washington have to share a day with far less notables like Buchanan and Carter? Did the words of Frederick Douglass or the midnight rescues of Harriett Tubman do any more set the slaves free than the blood and health of great great however many times grandpa Hoosierboy? Do we have a month to honor the anonymous farmers and store clerks that have given their service to the country to ensure we all are free -- white redneck history month?

Last week was a shitty week and I do not anticipate this week will get any better. Is there any form of life more despicable than a used car salesman? Does no one in that profession have any integrity? When I pointed this out to one such denizen this past weekend, he gave me a smirk to say get over it sucker. I pointed out that if I treated my customers in a similar manner I would soon have no customers. The rat asked what I sold and I said it was widgets. He scoffed, "Those are low dollar items". I asked him if he believed that it was OK to treat potential customers like shit if you are selling a high dollar item? I added BTW, I sold around $26,000,000 in widgets last year, how many dollars in sales did he have? Car shopping with the wife is every bit as painful as I anticipated.

I got my incentive/bonus/commission payout levels last week. If I increase sales at each and every customer by 50% this year, I will just make the minimum level for a payout. Since we enjoy 100% of the business at my top 6 customers (90% of my total sales)this should be no problem! And yes, I do thank God every day I have a job. But I would be a little less angry if they just said there will be no payouts this year. That is better than setting goals that are impossible.

Enough whining ( I hear you before you even type Big Dick). The sun is shining and it is a glorious day. In case you are not aware, there is a football game this weekend. I assume you are rooting for the Saints -- the city of New Orleans were devastated by a Hurricane and the city deserves the championship...
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