October 19, 2018

Live blogging the overnight

Present and accounted for. I'm up. Not willingly. Every time I lay down I hack and cough. What joy! I am ensconced in the recliner in my office. I am fine up to the point where I doze off,  then it is hacking up a lung. Music is quietly playing on my Alexa and I am pecking this out. I have no doubt typos will abound (even more than usual) since I am working sans glasses. 

I can see reasonably well without them. I probably  could have passed my vision test when I renewed my license last Match, but for my severe astigmatism. After so long I am used to them, I suppose. 
I thank the good Lord every day for my restored vision. 

It seems like I get this cold that settles into my chest every fall. I have fought off pneumonia a couple of times over the years. I think I get more susceptible. The severe allergies that left me a perpetual snot-nosed kid have mostly faded except in the fall when the leaves turn, mold forms, and the farmers are in the fields. I have travelled in farm country a lot this week. Allergies coupled 
with the cold passed on from my wife and granddaughter I am not surprised to find me a little sick. 
I am sporting an awesome deep voice, so there is that. Well, up to the point it goes away completely from hacking and coughing.

I going to try and grab some sleep. Goodnight.

October 18, 2018

The post has been done for ten minutes, it is inspiration for a title that I need now

Wow, Thursday already.

It remains seasonably cool here at the old homestead. Sub-freezing temps greeted me when I checked my phone while the Keurig peed coffee into my mug.

If you haven't figured it out over the past two decades, I lead with a weather report when I am struggling for content. Weather and sports are old and trite and yet still effective conversation starters. Why you would care about my weather conditions remains an unanswered question.

No, it doesn't, upon reflection. You decidedly do not care. I don't really care about your weather, unless you are in a place I am going. I may break down and buy a couple of lottery tix this week. Then I will care about the weather --in tropical island locations.

I would quit work should I win a lottery. I won't quit blogging, at least right away. I am just childish enough to rub your faces in it. Then I will quit blogging. I will be too busy sipping rum drinks in some place with palm trees to bother with it. I wonder what it costs to develop my own personal cigar blend...?

For now I will complain about the weather and get to work. That is a far more realistic reality. The Masters of the Matrix have no incentive to reward me with untold fortune. I would probably lose my money investing in Nigerian Bonds or something anyway.

October 17, 2018

The cure for the blues

The granddaughter came in this morning, her normal ebullient self. She is the happiest little girl. She said " We had a great day yesterday. Can we have the same day?".

I could only mutter a near-silent "I hope not". Ah, that girl makes me smile anyway. She is the remedy for all that ailes you.

October 16, 2018

A most disappointing turn of events

The day started off with promise. Since then it has slowly turned to shit.

Consider your attention grabbed

I'm a mouth breather from way back. I was the very definition of "snot nosed kid". Allergies left me perpetually with stuffed sinus cavities. The only way to breath as a kid was through my mouth. Fortunately, the allergies have abated over the years. I learned to breath through my nose. Except at night. Then I must fall into old habits. Pokes in the ribs occasionally inform me I am  snoring.  In recent days I have woken to a sore throat. The big question is it an on-coming cold or just a result of very dry air and open-mouth breathing? Hypochondriac me says I am on the brink of.a cold so bad normal humans would beg for a hospital admission. After all, the wife spent the end of last week with a cold. My head says I'm fine, it is just the lack of humidity. Time will tell.

It is a chilly 33 outside this morning. Brr. OK,  I wouldn't know. I'm inside where it is a semi-comfortable 68. But I bet if was outside sans shoes and coat I would be cold.

Look, do you want a blog post or not?

I could bore you with the minutiae that is my life. Aside, yes there are things even more boring than the opening paragraphs. I don't think I will do that to you. Instead I hope you have a great day. Rest assured I will be back if real inspiration strikes. It would be best if you check back often. 


October 15, 2018

Ironing out the irony

After reading the comments from Hillary, Holder, and leading Democrats, it appears the new Democrat Party strategy is that unless we stop calling them a mob they are going to riot in the streets and attack those with whom they disagree whenever and wherever they find us.

October 14, 2018

Weekend Not So Funny

Yesterday's post reminds me of a true story. Back in the Jurassic Era I worked in a plastics factory. We molded stuff (duh). One of the workers was a hard working mold tech. He was tapped for promotion to a line leader position. This necessitated a move to an off shift. His wife worked at the plant too, so they didn't get to see each other much.

One night Ken was not feeling well so he went home early.

You know where this headed, right?

Sure enough, he caught his wife in bed with his old boss; the one who promoted him to second shift.

Funny enough, Ken was blonde. Not so funny was he punched his old boss in the nose and ended up divorced. Ken found a new job at the factory across the highway.

Sometimes I miss the soap opera that is the factory floor.

Not really.

October 13, 2018

In the shuffling madness

That post just below? It is canned: steam-packed to appear fresh for weeks, months, and even years. On the other hand, in a few days when blonde jokes become the next hashtag evidence of patriarchy, hate, cruelty and oppression, it will be further evidence of my unfitness to exist since I am an old white guy. No doubt legions of SJWs will be hounding me while wearing blond wigs and shouting "me too also".

This post? Fresh as that steaming pile of dog poop the neighbor's mutt left in your front yard.

Fall arrived with a vengeance in these parts yesterday. Wednesday it was a balmy eighty-something. We had sleet yesterday. The temperature in the house had dropped to 63 by bedtime last night. Since the weather lady told us it will not break 60 for a week or more the wife insisted I turn on the heat. Sigh. No break on utility bills this fall. It is straight from A/C to heat. A week ago it was 90!

I decided to take a break from POBs Master and Commander series. Volume 17 is on the coffee table ready to be re-read. Instead I picked up my Kindle for the first time in months and started a Bernard Cornwell novel about Shakespeare. It started a bit slow but is getting better. Like most of his books, it is eminently readable and will be a quick read. I will then head back to The Commodore, or I may crack Jeff Shaara's tome on the Korean War -- The Frozen Hours.

In the meantime, I have stuff to do outside later today. I need to empty out the little fountain, put away the chair cushions, and finish a little fall yard work.

Do not fret, I have a bunch of old jokes sealed up in electronic Ball Jars ready to be cracked open every Saturday for weeks to come. I am sure I can find something to offend just about everyone of you who desperately seek to be angry and offended at every turn. The rest of you I hope have a great Saturday.

weekend funny


Three girls worked in the same office for the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. The girls decided that the next day, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout before going on a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”

October 12, 2018

'Cause you asked for it



Friday Music, the feature that will not die.

I like it. One of my thirteen readers likes the feature.  Since we strictly follow Roberts Rules of Order here, abstentions go with the majority. I guess that means you all vote for more -- absent evidence to the contrary.

October 11, 2018

The Nutmeg of Clarissa Oakes

Up early today. So it goes. Sinatra is crooning softly in the background. My trusty and ever-listening Alexa just told me it is fifty-something outside. It was in the seventies when I went to bed some five hours ago.

I had a dream my wife was pregnant. She informed me of the news while we were on a camping trip, so I know it was all a dream, not a premonition. That and it is impossible for her to be preggers. Her important parts are gone, and I'm pretty sure we have to actually, you know, slap our boy and girl parts together. Besides, she loathes camping. She went camping with me once in about 1986 and declared never no more ever and ever and don't even ask. Therefore any idea that she went camping and delivered the "Guess what, Honey?" news is purely the stuff of imagination.

It was not that I did not make camping comfortable (as comfortable as tent camping can be --  a camper is not camping). I am an Eagle Scout of the old school type where camping and hiking was part of the scouting curriculum -- year round. I know how to make camping easy and fun. She hated all of it, starting with the tent itself. No matter how many times I explained that no crazed killer was going to drive out to the middle of nowhere to find our campsite when so many victims were readily available in cities and towns, she couldn't get past it. The blood-stained hook we found on the door handle of my truck the next morning probably did not help.

I made that last part up.

Anyway, here I am chatting electronically with you. I could be reading. I'm a little bogged down in the Aubry/Maturin Series right now. I have been through the entire series three or four times in the past 20 years. These same installments drag for me every time; the part where the lads are on the long voyage through Java, Indonesia, Australia, a made-up Pacific Island and Peru. The never-ending year of 1812. The events fill three or four books and frankly I think O'Brian ran out of material and was just writing books because they sold rather well. A lot of nothing happens. I mean one can only read page after page about reefing the topsails so many times.

Kind of like this blog.

October 10, 2018

My wife endorses this joke


A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?” “No, I had to stop drinking years ago”, the homeless woman replied. “Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked. “No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.” “Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked. “Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”
“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.” The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.” The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what happens to a woman who had to give up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”

I'm jonesing for some pecan pie

Humpity Humpity Hump Day is upon us. It is a transition day in more than one sense. We have enjoyed August-like weather for a while now. The upper 80s will give way to more seasonable, in fact cooler than seasonal temperatures starting tomorrow. We will go from pushing 90 to near-freezing almost over night. Shorts to jeans and a jacket. But we won't have to deal with real weather like hurricanes, so I ain't complaining. Much.

A spate of cold weather will make the wife's pumpkins and gourds on the porch look a little more seasonal. It will maybe kick-start the leaves into turning. The Bradford Pears didn't drop their leaves until December last year. It is not that I want to rake leaves at all, but let's get it done with. 

Oh, and regarding the title, it is PEE cawn not pee CAN

October 9, 2018

Et Tu, Cleveland?

Fall Break is a thing. Just like spring break only...duh...it is in the fall. That means no granddaughter today.

Just to clarify, I am not on fall break. I gotta work. And when I'm not doing the paying boss' stuff, I need to do THE BOSS' stuff, like mow the yard, get things from the attic, and be an all-around sexual satyr. OK, I made that last one up.

The wife bought me a new grill over the weekend. My old one has been unusable all summer. The bottom rusted away completely last winter and the burners were rusted away as well. This time we went to a better model that did not seem like it was constructed from Chinese aluminum foil deemed too crappy to sell at the Dollar Store.

You get what you pay for. The unwritten corollary is that sometimes in life you pay for what you can get. We bought that crappy grill because it was what we could afford at the time. Now I have a box of parts sitting in the garage waiting on me to turn them into a metal box for cooking steak, chicken, and burgers.

Say, Grandpa, what's for dinner?

The boy's car keeled over on the highway at rush hour yesterday evening. He was sitting at a stoplight and the car died and won't start. It will not even turn over. We called a tow truck: $55 to have it towed less than 1/2 mile to the Kia dealer. The car is under warranty for big stuff. I hope it is nothing expensive if it isn't covered. Neither of us has the cash for auto repairs.

It is always something.

October 8, 2018

Ocean blue and all of that stuff

It is Columbus Day, celebrating the man who lead the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria ships into the Caribbean Islands more than 500 years ago. Bankrolled by Spanish Royalty, Columbus was searching for the Far East. Instead, his little vessels became the first of many cruise ships to dock at Nassau.

Sure, Columbus wasn't the first to run his ship into the Americas. After all, there were people already living here. The Norse and maybe the Welsh likely were visitors long before Columbus, but he had a better press agent. You know how it is; you discover a beautiful little place to vacation and the next time you go back there is a paved parking lot, admission fees, and that asshole Jimmie has carved his name into one of the trees.

Some people refuse to celebrate Columbus Day, instead calling the demi-holiday Indigenous People's Day, a mouthful of syllables that indicates we should honor the natives instead of the Dead White Guy who brought disease, death, and other white people to North and South America. OK. I'm good with that. Let's not take things too far. Indigenous People, Ohio just doesn't roll off the tongue.

I think the mailman has the day off. I do too, because I want to. Does that mean you get a bevy of postulations, opinion, humor, and pithy commentary today? As Big Jake said, "Not Hardly".

October 7, 2018

If time was in a bottle, yesterday's would just be filled with air.

Holy Crap, it is Sunday already. How did that happen? Where did my Saturday go?

Let's see, the granddaughter spent the night Friday, but she went home pretty early. I surfed the interwebz, watched some TV, read a bit. I trailed along with the wife to a small festival up in Noblesville. We were only there about an hour or so; long enough to score some kettle corn. She brought me home while she went shopping. Then I ...or maybe I...perhaps I took a nap? Insert shoulder shrugging motion. I dunno. She came back to get me and we went to dinner. I had a cheeseburger, I do know that. I opted for fresh fruit instead of fries.

And here we are, deep into a post as boring as the weekend so far. but you have been updated.

Regarding the politics of the day, I was surprised to hear my wife opine strongly on the Kavenaugh thing several times in the past week. She said the whole thing left her angry enough to vote in the midterms, and she usually doesn't bother. She made it clear her vote was directly because of the Kavenaugh fiasco.

Yes, she is heading to the polls to vote against Joe Donnelly, our Democrat Senator who cast his vote along party lines. As she put it, "I don't want some unsubstantiated attack from 35 years ago to ruin my boys lives." those are her words, not mine. This from one of he most apolitical (unpolitical?) persons in the world.

Anecdote is not data, but I find it interesting.

October 6, 2018

Saturday Humor

A renowned psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their little children.
After a few hours of talking and analyzing their words and behavior, he said: “I believe that you all suffer from some obsession.”
He turned to the first mother and said, “You obviously have an obsession with food. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom. “Your obsession is money. And it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny,”
He turned to the third Mom. “Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go”.

October 4, 2018

Dear Joe

What were you thinking? You are smarter than that.

I know you love the Cubs. Your closet full of T-shirts and Jerseys, your collection of hats, shows it to the world. Sure, Tuesday's game was important. It went into extra innings and you had to watch it all. As the clock ticked past midnight you should have gone to bed and checked the score in the morning. Staying up until 1:00 was a bad decision on many levels.

You had to get up at 5:00 AM to drive to Chicago. Add up the hours of sleep -- that would be one, two, three, four. That is just the same amount of time it takes to drive to the NW 'burbs. You had a day of important meetings. You had to drive home. So, 8+ hours of driving and 6 hours of meetings makes for a 14 hour day on four hours of sleep.

Joe, you are a moron.


October 3, 2018

No animals were harmed in telling this joke

A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself.
Approaching his friend, he commented, “You look awful. What’s wrong?”
“My mother died in May and left me $15,000,” the friend answered.
“Boy, that’s tough,” the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, “Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000.
“Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you’re depressed,” said the man.
“Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000,” the friend added.
“That’s a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!” replied the man.
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing! Not even a single dime!

October 2, 2018

And another thing

put down your phone and drive

Murder, Inc.

The Chicago Cubs are going to be the death of me.

October 1, 2018

Lines form on my face and hands

Today is my son's birthday. No, that is neither a repeat nor a mistake. My boys' birthdays are a day apart. Today marks my oldest son's thirtieth birthday. Unfortunately, he lives in Colorado so we won't get to celebrate with him.

In other news..I have nothing to report. The Cubs and Brewers play later today to determine who is the Divisional Winner and who will be the Wild Card entry in the playoffs.

Have a great Monday

More:

I have said all I intend to on the politics of the day. A few weeks ago I discussed the rancor that is prevalent in today's culture and then went and helped perpetuate it.

Nothing has happened to change my opinion. There is no need to hammer it every day.

I have always maintained that reasonable people can disagree. The sole caveat is that both parties must be reasonable.

We all get to choose which side we think is being unreasonable.
Consider everything here that is of original content copyrighted as of March 2005