The Hoosierboy Guide to Hippie Hunting

picture stolen from here


Hunting Hippies can be a fun and rewarding experience. Hippie stalking can make for great campfire stories, and there is always the excitement of describing "the one that got away". Here is a brief guide to help you get started:

1. Hippies are usually found on the East and West Coast of the US. There are enclaves to be found in Colorado and Idaho. You can also find hippies in just about every major metropolitan area. Sometimes you can find them in special reserves in the "country" called 'communes'.

2. Hippies usually smell like unwashed human bodies. You will recognize this odor. Remember, all hippies smell bad, but not all sour-smelling people are hippies, some are "homeless".

3. Hippies can be lured to your tree stand through several methods. The best is by staging a "protest". Hippies like to protest everything that is good about America. Stage a protest against the military, against any Republican, for abortion, or terrorists. Hippies are especially drawn to nude protests where they can show off their saggy breasts and little flacid penises. They like protests against money, success, free trade, the war on terror, mining, nuclear power, coal power, natural gas drilling, oil, cars, fire, meat, grocery stores, hydroelectricity, big farms, lumber, cattle grazing, housing, banks, Wal-Mart, George Bush, Ronald Reagan, DDT, and manufacturing in general.

4. Hippies are also lured by drugs. Offer marijuana and extasy. They love the phrase "Please do not eat the brown acid". Use this phrase just as you would say "kitty,kitty" to lure a cat.

5. Hippies are drawn like moths to light when you play music by special lure bands called "Phish" and "The Grateful Dead". Other acts will work also, especially real winners like Curt Cobain or any other "grunge band".

6. Male Hippies have facial hair and drive old VWs. Hippies of both sexes like tie-dyed clothes and sandals. The tie-dye makes great circle targets! Remember -- aim low!

7. Hippies often have names like Moon, Sunshine, Rainbow, and Freedom.


8. You can also recognize a Hippy because the "man" is keeping him down. If you see someone being held down by "the man", it is likely a Hippy and feel free to react accordingly.

9. Hippies are good on toast or even...plain.

10. Hippie chicks are all about free love. Make sure you take advantage of this. Sterilize afterward.