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Why I Wear the Brown Ribbon



Because diarrhea affects over 30 million Americans every day, and because I am one of them.

Because just like AIDS and breast cancer, diarrhea can only be conquered by self-righteous fashion accessories.

Because I thought “outside the bun” for lunch yesterday and had to make two separate stops on my way back to the office.

Because diarrhea doesn’t care whether you’re black, white, young, old, male, female, gay or totally gay.

Because when I walk into the men’s room at work and hear what sounds like an M-16 going off, I know that one of my co-workers is making a trip to brown town, and because I will not let him walk alone.

Because from now until December 15, every $5 donation to Mud Blowers Anonymous will be matched dollar for dollar by both Hershey’s and the makers of Imodium A-D.

Because I once had the runs during a soccer game in high school and faked an injury so I could go make hot potty in the locker room.

Because they haven’t made a ribbon for blue balls yet.

Because some people think it’s funny, but it’s really brown and runny.

Because this kid at summer camp once got hit with the ’rhea during free swim, and although I laughed at him and called him “Doody Bombs” for the rest of the summer like everyone else, I felt kind of bad about it when I heard that he killed himself several years later.

Because raising diarrhea awareness isn’t “someone else’s job” – it’s everyone’s job.

Because when the rest of the audience howled with delight at that scene in “Dumb and Dumber,” I cried a single tear of shame.

Because Bam Margera and Steve-O from “Jackass” are wearing them.

Because if enough people start wearing them, it’s possible that there might actually be some kind of “Labor Day Diarrheathon” or a 5K “Run for the Runs” in Central Park – either of which would be even funnier than the Special Olympics.

Because it is incomprehensible to me that anyone anywhere could ever have a need for laxatives.

Because millions of diarrhea victims are hiding in the shadows, afraid to seek treatment for fear of being snickered at by the cashier during checkout.

And because none of us will be truly free until every last one of us can spend a night slamming down bran muffins and prunes without fear.

That’s why I'm proud to wear the Official Diarrhea Awareness Ribbon, along with the “Live Solid and Well-Formed” bracelet.

And that's why I'd like you to join me in the fight against this sphincter-scorching menace. Together, we can make a difference.