A sore back is a pain in the ass

I broke down and went to the hospital this afternoon. After four days of pain, four days of walking in a slow shuffle listing to the right, four days of sleeping upright in a chair, four days of ice and heating pads in a failed effort of self healing, I finally sought professional help for my back pain. I am not a big fan of doctors, but things were not getting better -- in fact they were getting worse. You have no idea what it took to get me to get medical help.

So I got a shot in my right ass cheek for the pain. I got a shot in my left ass cheek to relax the muscles. I also got a prescription for pills to do the same. My back is still sore, but at least now it is a minor irritant instead of all consuming. The doctor said I was to lay down and forbid anyone but me to have the remote for the next few days. A damn fine plan, I think. The nurse said my ass was gonna hurt from the shots. She looked at my wife and said I might need the shots rubbed. The wife denies this comment was directed to her and said I could rub my own ass. See how I am babied around here? Any volunteers to massage my shots?