I offer a sincere "You Are Welcome" in advance

I was sitting in my chair last evening and I felt a cramp and a gurgling rumble deep in my belly. I jumped up and headed to the bathroom but just as I entered the door a wet fart erupted. 'Cept it was not a fart, as hot steamy butt gravy rattled my nutsack. My tighty whities were full of , well, crap. A few drips ran down my leg as I tried to shed my jeans and undershorts. A viscous brown slime covered my nether regions and the whole end of the house reeked like port-a-pot row after the New Mexico Chili, Taco, Bratwurst, Kraut and Beer Festival.

I wish the above was merely a metaphor for the Men's NCAA Championship game, which was also pretty shitty, but it is not. I spent most of the next hour on and off the toilet. I had to throw away the undershorts and I put my jeans into the washer.

I am not sure what triggered this bout of pseudo-dysentery. I cooked some cheeseburgers on the grill and made some potato salad and deviled eggs for supper. I would blame the mayo, but the date was far into the future and no one else in the family caught a case of the Squirting Ediths.

In any case, I feel better this morning.

I am afraid to fart though.