Sometimes you find stuff on the interwebz that is too good to ignore

"The only known witness, the man who allegedly wouldn’t shut up, refused to give a statement to police."

The rest is pretty amusing too, but in a sad way.  Having your drunken troubles splattered across the front page is the price you pay for living in a small town. Believe me, the gossip was far sharper and cut deeper in Mayberry than in Mount Pilot.