Happy Birthday Jake

Today is my youngest's Birthday. He is now a teenager -- 13 years old.


Do not be confused by tommorrow's post.

More James Witcomb Riley

When the frost is on the punkin and the fodder's in the shock,
2 And you hear the kyouck and gobble of the struttin' turkey-cock,
3 And the clackin' of the guineys, and the cluckin' of the hens,
4 And the rooster's hallylooyer as he tiptoes on the fence;
5 O, it's then's the times a feller is a-feelin' at his best,
6 With the risin' sun to greet him from a night of peaceful rest,
7 As he leaves the house, bareheaded, and goes out to feed the stock,
8 When the frost is on the punkin and the fodder's in the shock.

9 They's something kindo' harty-like about the atmusfere
10 When the heat of summer's over and the coolin' fall is here --
11 Of course we miss the flowers, and the blossums on the trees,
12 And the mumble of the hummin'-birds and buzzin' of the bees;
13 But the air's so appetizin'; and the landscape through the haze
14 Of a crisp and sunny morning of the airly autumn days
15 Is a pictur' that no painter has the colorin' to mock --
16 When the frost is on the punkin and the fodder's in the shock.

17 The husky, rusty russel of the tossels of the corn,
18 And the raspin' of the tangled leaves, as golden as the morn;
19 The stubble in the furries -- kindo' lonesome-like, but still
20 A-preachin' sermuns to us of the barns they growed to fill;
21 The strawstack in the medder, and the reaper in the shed;
22 The hosses in theyr stalls below -- the clover over-head! --
23 O, it sets my hart a-clickin' like the tickin' of a clock,
24 When the frost is on the punkin and the fodder's in the shock!

25 Then your apples all is gethered, and the ones a feller keeps
26 Is poured around the celler-floor in red and yeller heaps;
27 And your cider-makin' 's over, and your wimmern-folks is through
28 With their mince and apple-butter, and theyr souse and saussage, too! ...
29 I don't know how to tell it -- but ef sich a thing could be
30 As the Angels wantin' boardin', and they'd call around on me --
31 I'd want to 'commodate 'em -- all the whole-indurin' flock --
32 When the frost is on the punkin and the fodder's in the shock!

James Whitcomb Riley

Fall

Fall is coming. The trees were beginning to turn when I was in the northern part of the state earlier in the week. The temperature was in the thirties last night. Frost on the pumpkin and all comes to mind. Here is a lively verse to amuse you as the season comes around. I hate poetry, but I figure if Eric can give us Mr. Service I could offer up a little Riley for your amusement:

1 Little Orphant Annie's come to our house to stay,
2 An' wash the cups an' saucers up, an' brush the crumbs away,
3 An' shoo the chickens off the porch, an' dust the hearth, an' sweep,
4 An' make the fire, an' bake the bread, an' earn her board-an'-keep;
5 An' all us other childern, when the supper-things is done,
6 We set around the kitchen fire an' has the mostest fun
7 A-list'nin' to the witch-tales 'at Annie tells about,
8 An' the Gobble-uns 'at gits you
9 Ef you
10 Don't
11 Watch
12 Out!

13 Wunst they wuz a little boy wouldn't say his prayers, --
14 An' when he went to bed at night, away up-stairs,
15 His Mammy heerd him holler, an' his Daddy heerd him bawl,
16 An' when they turn't the kivvers down, he wuzn't there at all!
17 An' they seeked him in the rafter-room, an' cubby-hole, an' press,
18 An' seeked him up the chimbly-flue, an' ever'-wheres, I guess;
19 But all they ever found wuz thist his pants an' roundabout: --
20 An' the Gobble-uns 'll git you
21 Ef you
22 Don't
23 Watch
24 Out!

That out to help you get in the mood Dragon! At least until I am in charge.

The cool thing about this poem, if you read it out loud, is you can get a good idea of a true Hoosier accent, one that is slowly fading away as TV and movies and education does its best to destroy the regional accents of the nation.

Friday Five

What are your five favorite sports movies?

Here are mine in no particular order:

Hoosiers
Rocky
Major League
The Natural
Breaking Away

I know this leaves out a bunch of really good ones made in the olden days as well as North Dallas Forty. What do you think are the best sports movies?

Pygmy Goats

I know lots of people have posted this before. It never hurts to be reminded. Remember this when you go to the polls next month.

Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax Gasoline Tax (42 cents per
gallon)
Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax
Interest expense Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of
tax)
Liquor Tax Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax
Property Tax Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax School Tax
State Income Tax State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License
Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the
most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no
national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom
stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the hell happened?

They just want to get laid

It is a good thing I am not a cricket, or my wings would be rubbed raw making the old chirp chirpo to attract a mate. I think we have some crickets around the house that are in the same boat. All night long I hear the stupid song of crickets. The previous owners of this house did not do much in the way of yard work so the weeds were high around the house. I am working on getting them cleared out, but there are clearly a lot of crickets around. I think if I cut the weeds and spray some pesticide they will be gone. Of course, in that same time the cold weather will do my work for me! Hey GuyK or any other of you fisherman you are welcome to come and catch them for bait.

Say a quick prayer for my blog friend Dazd. He has apparently had a heart attack. In the same vein, has anyone heard an update on the Delftsman? There have been no postings since Lila was angry they wanted to send him home. I am thinking of you both.

Busy

Sorry for lack of activity. Life, and work sometimes get in the way. Went to IU to visit with the oldest boy today. I had forgotten what a beautiful campus there is in Bloomington, Indiana.

Traveling tomorrow. Regular posts on Thursday. Maybe. As I have been told my whole life-- "patience donkey, patience".

Monday Funny

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to
her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was
playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so
you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same
thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She
said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be
on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same
lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew
the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the
course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation
for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in
sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said,
"See, I knew you would laugh"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

American Idol Sucks

Well, at least the song "so you had a bad day" sucks. I really hate that song. I have to admit that song is what came to mind when I read this. I bet he did not get laid that night.

I saw a kid get hit square in the ribs at a baseball game yesterday, on the side, where there is no fat or muscle. The pitch was thrown in excess of 70 mph. The ball made a sickening thud just like it sounded when Rocky beat the cow carcass. The kid was taken to the emergency room to see if his rib was broken.

Sports can be dangerous. I have done many dumb things, but I never hit my wife with a foul ball.

Insert Fanfare Here -- it is Otter's Birthday

Otter is my only sibling and today is his birthday. There on the left is his baby picture. In his honor we will eschew the Friday favorites (it was going to be favorite sports movie)and offer this tribute.

He loves, with my apologies to Ralphd, beer and boobies. Here are some of each just for him.

Happy Birthday Otter:

Here is some beer.

Here is a nice rack of boobies.

Hugo Chavez can bite me

Did you see the Venezuelan President's speech at the UN yesterday? You can read it here. I will wait while you read it.

What a self consumed assbag. He is right about one thing -- the UN is worthless. Here is what I think, if Chavez and the people of Venezuela think the US is sooo evil, then we should not pollute their morals by forcing them to take money from us. I propose we immediately cut all aid to Venezuela. I propose we embargo all tourist traffic all business traffic, all financial and humanitarian aid. Most importantly we refuse to buy gas from a Citgo station. Did you know that chain is owned by Venezuela? Do your research. Boycott the bastards.

Then we should get the UN out of this country and this country out of the UN.

Hola Blog World

I have nothing of interest to report tonight. You can never go wrong reading GuyK. He is always good and he links to me a lot. Read him, and put him in your favorites list.

Boilermaker Tuesday

I spent the day in beautiful (and chilly) West Lafayette, Indiana touring Purdue with my son. He took a college day to visit the fine institution of Neil Armstrong and Drew Brees and Bob Greise. The campus is as I remember it; large.

Lafayette has changed a lot since I moved from the area 17 years ago. The old Sears on the levee is long gone, as is the bridge I used to travel on Main street to visit my girlfriend/now wife when she was a young freshman co-ed.

I looked for Goldbloom on every street corner and in front of every house, but she was not to be seen, even though I took a different way through town (in on 26, out past the mall for the locals). I guess she was not out today, at least where I could find her. I am more than confidant she will spend the coming nights and days in constant and unrelenting sorrow when she learns she had a chance to actually glimpse the Hoosierboy and his progeny. Wipe those tears, oh Goldbloom. Against my judgment I may grace the gently rolling terrain of Tippecanoe County again this weekend when there is a quasi-reunion of the spouse's family in the Dayton vicinity. Just knowing I will be that close, I am sure sets your nether regions aquiver.

It is off to Muncie and Ball State tomorrow for further College Day adventures. At least I can get me another "Ball U" T shirt like the one the cops made me take off in Daytona Beach in 1979. Those cracker cops have no sense of humor.

Rosie -- kiss my ass which is smaller than yours

I could not say it any better. Go read this from Woods Walk.

If I were king

When the world recognizes my true genius and names me King of the Earth, there will be a few changes. Lawyers, Democrats, Commies, Ragheads, do not get too comfortable while I deal with other issues. First off, certain bloggers are way ahead of the curve decorating for holidays. There should be a hard and fast rule that you may not decorate prior than one month before a Holiday. One does not put up Christmas decorations prior to Thanksgiving, for instance.

As Supreme Ruler, Halloween will be the first "holiday" stricken from the calendar. The reason has nothing to do with paganism or any other such nonsense, but rather I hate the day. What a valuable life lesson to teach your little children -- begging and looting. Give me ransom or I will destroy your property. If you dress up you have the right to demand valuables. No wonder armed robbery is on the rise! Besides, if I want to spend a couple of sawbucks on candy, I should get to eat it!

The next holiday to get the axe will be Martin Luther King Day. I hear the screams now -- HB you racist bastard. NO, it is just of all the great Americans can we honestly say the MLK did enough to warrant that he is the ONLY individual with a holiday in his name? Give me back a holiday for Washington, Lincoln and one for Reagan and I have no issue with MLK Day.

Let the hate begin.

The four stages of life

Friday Five

After a brief hiatus the Friday Five has returned!

This week name your favorite five female singers.

Contribute, or Pluto, the former planet, will be swallowed by a black hole.

A day at the country club

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the
third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone
rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, and then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted,"You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"

A story two decades old

The doctor called at about 10:00 am on a Sunday morning. We were still asleep. When you are in your twenties, with no kids, you tend to stay up late and sleep in on the weekends. This was before I was conditioned to get up early. The doctor said we should come to the hospital right away. The wife insisted on showering and looking nice, I shaved and showered too since I could be done while she applied the makeup etc. We jumped into the car and drove the twenty-five minutes to Home Hospital in Lafayette. The doctor was impatiently waiting.

We went to the room they had assigned us. It had a nice view of the park across the street. The wife lay on her back and I had the uncomfortable experience of watching another man stick his hand between her legs. He poked, she yelped, and her water was broken. The doctor said she should start labor in a few hours and he would probably see us again Monday afternoon. My lifelong adventure had begun.

By four o'clock my wife was in serious labor and a lot of pain. The nurse told her it was way too early to start deep labor and she should relax. The nurse's attitude was that my wife was a wimp and crying wolf. They told her to walk around the hospital. By six o'clock I told the nurse she was in a lot of pain. The nurse said "fine, I will see if you are doing anything, but it is way too early". She gloved up with an impatient "lets humor this bitch" attitude. There sure was a look of surprise on that nurse's face when she discovered my wife was 8 centimeters dilated. Whoops, somebody screwed up and did not listen to the patient.

Sometime later the doctor was called. I should add an interesting tidbit here. My wife's OB GYN was a Mennonite. They are like the Amish, only they drive cars. He had the button pants, the hat, little beard and all. It was kind of interesting. I am not sure if he still practices or not. The doctor arrives, the room is broken down, the heavy labor is going on, my baby is on the way. This was the early days of letting the father in the birthing room and I was told to stay at the head of the bed and not move. We did the breathing thing, mostly I was useless. The ritual of pain and blood and birth remains the sole purview of woman, as it has through the existence of mankind.

Around 11:30 that evening, Sunday September 14, 1986 my lovely daughter was born. My real life had begun.

Sometime later I walked down the hall to get a drink or find the phone, I saw the doctor sitting in a room, still in his scrubs, head hanging in exhaustion. He did a good job, professional, and comforting, still the image of a doctor in my mind.

I got home around four in the morning. I was to go to work at six. I set the alarm and called in at about 5:30. The boss said since my daughter was actually born on Sunday, I did not get a day off work. He said I could come in at noon and work 2 hours overtime the next three days to make up for the lost time -- a real prince.

It did not matter, I had a little girl.

Happy Birthday, baby. I cannot believe you are twenty years old! I remain the proudest Papa ever.

I pledge

I pledge I will not EVER post a youtube video.

Do not get me wrong, they are funny and entertaining and I loved the kid playing the classical guitar. I established this site as a means to rant and rave about politics and to tell my jokes. When I moved to a remote office for the big company, I still had lots of contact with coworkers. When I went to work for the Italians, I needed an outlet, so I established Fat in Indiana to get stuff off my chest. The wife does not care about history or politics. She has heard all of my jokes, and lets face it, a joke is only good if you can share it many times. What you see is what you get. Visit or don't. Link or don't. I take more pleasure than you know from each and every visit to this blog. Some days I feel like Sally Field, "You like me". I will continue to do what I do. I am a great blog reader, a terrible commenter. I thank each of you who take the time to comment and read and visit.

Wires and plugs

I put the computer back together, the wires and plugs and connectors were jumbled and twined together like a herd of horny snakes. I got everything hooked up with just one cord left over. I figured WTF, it is like working on a car, you always have a bolt or two left over -- right?

The monitor did not work. I have problems with this particular flat screen monitor just quitting. I had it replaced through the warranty and HP put out a bulletin that it will sometimes just not come on. Shit. I checked again, all of the cables were attached. I plugged the monitor cable into my laptop -- yep it had power. I did the worst thing possible. I will lose my membership in the GUY CLUB. I got out the owner's manual. Aha, the missing cable did go to the monitor -- there was the little hole, I had the plug, but not the transformer and the end that plugged into the monitor. Double shit. I checked back at the old house -- nope. I guess I would have to order a new cable the next day. I began to put the games and stuff back into the cabinet. I mentioned to my son there were some games missing. He remembered seeing that box. After a frantic search the games were located. The missing cable was in the box! The day was saved, Dad was a hero not a Goober.

Lots of stuff is still missing, that is what happens when people help you move. I cannot believe my best friend and parents stole stuff. It is that or I just cannot find which box where they stashed the important stuff like silverware. I am leaning towards theivery. My wife says I am weird and paranoid. I think she just might be in on the plot.

Oh, Hoosierboy I missed you

Did you miss me? I sure missed you guys, I hope you clicked here often and convinced everyone to link me.

We are mostly moved in, that is to say, the beds, the furniture the clothes. There is still a lot of stuff in boxes. The wife is a major packrat, and 17 years of stuff adds up!

The cable guy finally turned on the service today, the kids will be pleased to watch TV and surf the internet.

Too much going on to post a substantial post, tell me in the comments what I missed and what I need to read to get caught up with my blog friends.

Thanks to those of you who stuck with me through the lack of posts.

I am back -- sort of

The move to the new house continues, albeit slowly. Now we are down to the "what is all of that junk?" Patience. Hopefully up and running again by the end of the week.

Thursday

Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The officer walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacked him on the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Texas, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

political posts and comments accepted.

Hello Blogworld

There will be little or no posting here over the next week or two.

As my friend Jim at PRS says: life 101 sometimes intrudes into our hobbies.

Nothing serious, just two much on my plate to read blogs and post. Peruse the archives, visit the fine sites over there on the right. Check back several times a day to see if I have posted. Link me if you have not already. That pretty much covers it.

Have a great day.

No work today

RIP Steve Irwin. You entertained the hell out of me.

And so it goes

The title of this post used to be a favorite saying of mine, I stole it from a character in a Vonnegut novel. It is a good catchall for the comments one needs to make on life. It really does not work. The random good and bad happenings of life sometimes need further comment and analysis. Besides, I figured out Vonnegut was a blowhard socialist.

Speaking of socialist tomorrow we celebrate the big socialist holiday. The founders of Labor day envisioned a May Day types celebration of the worker like we used to see in USSR. Now it has become the last bash of summer.

Thank goodness the NFL preseason is over. The announcer have certainly earned their money trying to keep us interested in watching no names third stringers competing in meaningless games staged only to make the owners more money.

I am off to watch my favorite chick-flick, Breakfast at Tiffanies. Man, my life sucks in so many ways.

I did not win the lottery last night because I forgot to play, as usual.

Finally, in the last of the random comments that make up this post, I had a dream about being late for class. Cripes, I am 44 years old and have not been in school for more than two decades. I was wearing an overcoat all the time, al la Colombo. I did put the teacher in his place. And so it goes.

Morning Drunk

I had occasion to head to downtown Indy earlier in the week. I passed by one of the more famous strip clubs on the way. I was not surprised to see several cars in the parking lot at 9 am. I am not sure which is worse, being there at nine in the morning, or working there at nine in the morning. For most jobs, the best shift is the day shift. For waiters and bar tenders, the nights bring the most pay. I would think that would be true also for those who undress and give lap dances for dollar bills. Is it higher now, I have not been to a gentleman's club in a long time? I could only think of the woman who gets her kid off to kindergarten and hurries out the door, painting the eyelids and wiping the lipstick on the lips in the minivan on the way to work -- at the strip joint. The whole idea seems surreal to me. Of course, the whole idea of a strip joint is crazy. Hot, big bosummed chicks hitting on guys that they would never look at twice were they at the mall or a club, all because the guy has a wad of cash. I am sure it is just a job to the girls dancing on the stage. Bend over wave the ass, did I unplug the iron? Hug the pole, do the splits, I need to stop for milk after work. Jiggle jiggle, Oh shit there is old crater face, hey he has a twenty, I better shake those tatas right in his face...I hope Junior did his homework. These shoes are killing me...that G string sure cuts into my ass. The whole idea is just absurd, and to me, even more so in the cold light of day.

In my youth, I worked a bit on third shift -- 11pm to 7 am. We often headed straight to the bar after work. Many a day I was drunk by ten in the morning. One such Saturday, my friend and I found ourselves entering the Combo Lounge before noon. The Combo was a strip club in the town I was raised. With a population of about 14,000 we did not get the best strippers, especially at eleven o'clock on a Saturday morning. Mostly the lounge attracted those too old, or too fat or too ugly to dance in the bigger city. I suspect they made way more money as hookers. I do not know, just a guess.

We were well on our way to a good buzz. The girls were bored, and I found them boring. There is nothing about a girl standing there waiting for the jukebox to change to the next record, arms akimbo, tities sagging, a vacant expression in her eyes. Duane went to the head, I silently smirked at the girl in the superior way one has when the you are 23 and king of the world. I had enough beer to make me 6'5"" and strong enough to kick Iron Mike's ass.

The girl was asking why I was laughing at her, getting pissed. Suddenly the restroom door flew open and a guy I had not seen before was backpeddling right at me. As he got close I saw my friend burst out the door behind him fists doubled. I did what any friend would do -- I smacked the guy in the back of the head -- he rebounded back towards my buddy like a dodge 'em car. Duane punched him in the face. The guy dropped like he was shot, out cold. The bouncer asked Duane what happened and he said the guy tried to hit him in the men's room. The bouncer dragged the guy out the back door. After all, we are buying beer, he was unconscious. We were just sober enough to finish our drinks and leave.

As we jumped in the car to head for another bar, I asked why the guy had tried to punch him? Duane looked at me and laughed, "I pissed on his shoes" he said.

God, I had some stupid friends. But I did have some good times.

Fashion Statement / Friday Five

Sometimes I think my brain is going to explode with questions and the desire for knowledge. For example, a certain question bothered me a good portion of the very early morning hours. It is acceptable that women have breast enlargements. They wear padded bras, push up bras, all sorts of paraphenalia to increase their sexuality. Yet if we were to see a man wearing a codpiece, or even using a rolled up sock or maybe a roll of quarters in his jockeys to increase his "bulge", said man would be met with ridicule. 'Splain that to me Lucy.

It is Friday and the last unofficial weekend of summer. Time to put away your white shoes, ladies. In honor of this occasion the new and improved favorite five debuts today. List in the comments your five favorite songs that remind you of summer. It does not have to be the Beach Boys, but rather that song that takes you back to cruising the strip, that special girl under your arm. What song reminds you of the burning of a doobie on a summer evening, the taste of beer while the tunes pounded out of the speakers, the feel of your sweaty back and legs as they stuck to the vinyl of the seat in your un-air conditioned car or truck? What were you playing on the transistor while you painted Grandma's garage? Who grooved you at the pool or beach? What song evokes memories of teenage life in those carefree days of summer vacation? Those are the songs for this week's Friday Favorites.

Contribute or else Tinkerbell will die.

edit: I have added several new links over there on the right. Visit them all. Hey, if you ain't linking to the Hoosierboy, why not?