Think about that Christmas Gift

A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy): “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.” She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

Hola

I'm still here. Are you?

I've worked late every night this week. Blogging time has become as scarce as palm trees in an Indiana winter.

How about a musical interlude to keep your toes tappin'

Why Youth Wins

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer: “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Up and down the ladder

I was busy as a bee yesterday. No, not shopping. You make me laugh. I dragged the Christmas stuff out of the attic. I swear every year I am going to put the lights away properly. That is, not thrown in a tangle in a box. Then January comes. So I untangled them and made sure they worked. Only one set failed to work and I had a replacement set new in the box.

We got the lights on the roof line, wreaths on the windows, the bushes and shrubs lit. It is a veritable Christmas wonderland. I also raked the leaves from the front yard yet again. I also cleaned the gutters while i was putting up the lights. We will start on the inside of the house decorations and trees today.

It is a good thing I got that exercise.  I ate way too much Thursday. As usual, we had two feasts -- one for each side of the family. It was great to see everyone. The best part was none of the dinners were at my house! I made noodles and dinner rolls to take to my daughter's and Deluxe Reese's Brownies and corn salad to take to my wife's family gathering. I got kudos all around. Everyone digs the corn salad. It sounds gross but is very good:

2 cans corn drained( I use Southwest/Mexicali corn   Small onion diced.  Green bell pepper diced   Package of sharp cheddar cheese shredded    1 C mayo (use the real stuff)

Stir and chill. Right before serving crush up a whole bag of Chili Cheese Fritos and stir them in.

Enjoy your Saturday.

Being Thankful

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little way up ahead.

“Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

“Not so good,” says Harry.

“Why, what happened?” James queries.

“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”

A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.

“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”

“Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.

A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires.

“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”

Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”

This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders.

“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”

James smiles at him: “Could have happened to me.”

Further thoughts on Thanksgiving

Here is a rerun from 2006:

As is my wont, I have been doing a little research into the Pilgrims and the First Thanksgiving. The feast for giving thanks was a great success. After the meal Miles Standish stood to give the after dinner toast:

"Thanks to everyone for a great meal, especially the women. Can we get a hand for the chicks, Guys? Just a word to Felicity and Sarah Hankins, though; next year we would like something more substantial from your larder than turkey hot dogs and that nearly empty bottle of Wild Turkey."

"On a quick programing note, some of the athletic contests will not be seen unless you have a direct communication with the heavens this year. I suggest hanging a dish from the thatch of your roof"

Finally, a word to my Native American friends. Thanks for making this feast such a success. I know we will make this a yearly tradition. I forsee such popularity that in the future you will probably need reservations."

"Thank you and good night."

 Live today: I certainly find myself amusing.

Happy Thanksgiving

Best wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. Now get off the computer and go watch a parade or football or eat or something.

Humpity Humpity

Good morning. One more work day before a very long weekend. I'm ready. My boss scheduled a conference call to begin at 4:30 to last until 6:00. On the day before a holiday.

I know.

In his defense the boss is working in CST, so he will get out at 5. Besides, he is in Mexico, so it is just another Wednesday for him. Still, it gives me an excuse to complain. I'm good at that. I am still trying to rehydrate my long dried-up sense of corporate identity. I have been spoiled in the intervening years since I last worked for a MegaCorp.

Deleted two paragraphs of additional complaint here. You are welcome.

I hope your turkey is thawed and the groceries are bought. You are running out of time. we are heading to my daughter's for dinner tomorrow. My dad is bringing the last of the pies mom had frozen. My mother was an award-winning pie maker (really). She won at the fair a couple of times. Sometimes people helped her with stuff, handymen, etc. in exchange for a pie. I will eat a slice with sadness beyond measure.

Why Old Guys Win

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, Morris had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

I can see for miles

I knocked off work a little early today. I had to see the eye doctor. All is good. My vision was a little worse. My astigmatism is still horrible. New glasses ordered. Blah blah blah. More importantly, the pressure in my eyes is good and my corneas look great. The new specs are gonna be very different. I'm going from the same old boring metal frames I have head since 1937 and going to a more modern plastic frame. The eye glasses lady picked them out and said they look great. WTH, I don't have to look at them, just see through 'em, so I suppose I do not really care.

Other than that, I got nothin'. Still in a steep learning curve at work. I'm looking forward to a big ole' Thanksgiving feast and a long weekend.

Hunting Season

Two hunters were dragging their recently slain deer through the snow back to their truck. Each one had a grip on a rear leg.

As they passed by an old Indian, he commented that the deer would pull a lot easier if they pulled it by the front legs because of the direction that the deer’s hair lays.

So the hunters each began pulling by the front legs.

About 20 minutes later, one of them says, “Boy! This is a lot easier.”

The other one replies, “Yes, but we sure are getting a lot farther from the truck!”

Workin' the weekend

Ah, Sunday. I'm relaxing here in the office blogging room sipping coffee and listening to music.  Don't tell anybody, but I am listening to Christmas music. I know, I am jumping the gun. It is not yet Thanksgiving, but the stores have been in full holiday mode since Halloween. Besides, I really dig Christmas music.

I raked leaves yesterday morning. This is the second go at the front yard. I got about five garbage bags full. The maple still has a lot of leaves, so I will be at it again later in the week.  As my wife frequently reminds me, I wanted all of these trees. I have made no effort to rake the back yard. The three Bradford Pears have not started dumping leaves at all.  The backyard got cleaned up from last fall's leaves when I mowed in the spring. I suspect that will be the case again.

The original plan was to start dragging the Christmas decorations from the attic yesterday. In case you do not remember, the wife goes all-out on Christmas decorations. She decided to wait until Friday to start decorating. The granddaughter will not be here this week after Monday, so maybe the wife will start decorating early? If she helps I will drag the trees and stuff out Monday evening after work.mi can do he outside on Friday then. Whatever. My role in it all is to be a pack mule and follow directions. 

Have a great Sunday.

Upside down you're turning me

My head is spinning. Starting a new job is always hard. My boss spent every minute of the week cramming stuff to overflowing into my brain. In addition, we made a trip to visit a customer. In the coming month I have two trips to Mexico and a week of introductory customer visits planned, all between Thanksgiving and Christmas! Sometime in Q1 I will be off to Europe. My life is the very definition of "hitting the ground running".

New products, new customers, new systems, new office, new procedures. I had forgotten the bureauacracy that comes with giant multi-national companies. Everything has to be documented, formatted, written, and stored just as described in the procedures. And then there are the meetings -- lots of meetings; internal and external.  This is a by-product of working in the light vehicle automotive industry. The commercial vehicle sector (big trucks and trailers) was not so heavily bureaucratized. All said, I am going to like it.

The bad news is the old blog is gonna suffer, at least until I can get a handle on things. Leaving home at 7:30 and getting back at 5:30 doesn't leave a lot of time for my hobbies. In the old days when I worked from home I could spend a ten minute break throwing up a post or adding a comment. Now I am subject to very restricted Internet access at work. Besides, I never have blogged the company computer, even when working from a spare bedroom.

I still have a bunch of canned posts to throw up. I think I will reserve the jokes so I do not give a double entry on the weekends.

Have patience. I will find a new routine over time. Hopefully you will still be here.

weekend funny

There was a bit of confusion at the Bass Pro Sporting Goods store this morning. 

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets,
the cashier said: “strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that
she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader. 

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

Head scratchin'

I'm not sure why they bother with elections in Broward and Palm Beach Counties, Florida. It would just be easier if election officials just announce who they think should have, could have, would have won and go ahead and declare that particular Democrat the winner.

You know, run the election the way Democrats progressives  and rat bastard Commies always run elections.

Try chewing gum

Greetings conversationalists, bloggers, readers, and critics from across the interwebz.  I'm alive and well. This real-job going to work stuff has put a serious crimp into my blogging time. Frankly, I don't know how you do it. Apparently I screwed off more than I thought.

No, I just had access to the Internet to do personal stuff on my breaks. Plus I usually blogged before work. Now that time is spent getting ready to go to work, commuting, etc.

I'm sorry you are missing out on me. Such is life. But once I get into the routine things might get better. Hold on to that faith. It will get you through the days as you suffer Hoosierboy withdrawal symptoms.

My life

I cannot remember from where I stole this.

The War to End All Wars

One hundred years ago today at 11:11 AM French local time WWI ended. The slaughter was so horrific it almost wiped out a generation of young Europeans. There remains to this day areas of France that are blocked off to public access because of the vast number of unexploded ordinance.

In Flanders Fields by John McCrae

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row, 
That mark our place, and in the sky, 
The larks, still bravely singing, fly, 
Scarce heard amid the guns below. 

We are the dead; short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, 
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields. 

Take up our quarrel with the foe! 
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high! 
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Take That Dannies

The mighty Wabash Little Giants captured the Monon Bell once again yesterday. That marks 9 out of the past ten years.

These two tiny schools have met on the football field for 125 years. That is a rivalry.

credit

weekend funny

A joke so stupid it is funny

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog’s chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.”

“What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven’t even done any tests! I want another opinion.”

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it’s head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”).

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he’s gone”).

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That’s outrageous!”

The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”

Easy blackberry pie

Friday! Don't worry, no music videos today.  It is not like the day is any specific harbinger of the weekend for me. I've been off work for a couple of weeks. When I gave notice at the old employer he told me not to bother working for him any more. I have to be honest, I could get used to not working. Except the not making any money part. I have a strange need for food and shelter.

A house down the street has their Christmas lights up and burning. They lit the house November 1. I dig Christmas and the attendant decorations, but that is too much. Christmas ads started on the TV and Christmas trees are in the stores, so I guess I'm just being a little curmudgeonly. Get off my lawn.

Take an armful of leaves when you go. 

Enjoy your day. I intend to.

I used to think Idiocracy was just a funny movie...

Wow, it is cold this morning. Not January cold, but mid-fall cold. There is a slight  chance for snow flurries on the morrow. Yes, I could have typed "tomorrow", but I am in a wordy mood today.

That does not bode well for you, dear reader.

I'm kidding. I really don't have much to discuss this morning. The rabid Democrats are determined to turn back the clock somehow to a Time Before Trump. The incoming House Judiciary Chairman is talking impeachment for Kavenaugh, for Trump, for anyone who dares to not toe the progressive party line. I am not sure how he will find a magic number of Senators to actually vote to remove the hated Trumpster and his minions. Details, details. Do the Democrats think if they remove Kavenaugh the replacement will be less conservative? The new Republican majority can no longer be held hostage by Susan Collins. Should they somehow get rid of Trump before Kavenaugh do they think Pence will appoint a liberal justice? If so, the Dem leadership is getting a jump on that recreational pot smoking in Michigan.

It is with incredulous head scratching that I read of the various liberal morons decrying the "loss of the Senate popular vote". HUH? Yes, they are confused why the total number of votes tallied by Democrat winners of Senate seats are higher than those of winners for Republican seats, yet the Republicans gained seats overall.

I wish I was kidding about that.

First, this confusion demonstrates an astounding lack of Constitutional understanding. First only 1/3 of the Senate is elected every two years, so the overall makeup can only be changed by a limited extent. More importantly, that is not how the Senate works.  Every state gets two senators. Period. So states with large populations will by design cast more votes for their TWO senators. California is more populous than Montana, so any senator running in California must get more votes than one running in Montana. And no, there has been no secret, vote-suppressing gerrymandering going on in smoke-filled Republican back rooms* that causes California to get only two senators. (yes that has been argued). If you believe that you are so stupid you must need written instructions to take a crap.

I am bordering on TLDR, so I will not even get into the ridiculous argument that white women voted against their interest when they failed to elect the Democrats. One leader of the Only Liberal Woman's March actually said these women might need re-education. Calling Chairman Mao, your inheritors are calling. And am I the only one who thinks calling out white women is racist?

What if a conservative singled out a person of color?  That is what I thought.

In other news, I'm gonna be a grandpa again**. My daughter is with child. So far they have had a battery of tests and all is well. A little prayer on her behalf wouldn't hurt if you are so inclined. In case you don't know why go back and read last November's entries.



*funny how there was no complaints about gerrymandering when the Democrats controlled most state houses until the early 1990s.  Why do Democrats always assume there is cheating or nefarious forces at work when the American people reject their message?

**it is a girl

Wave bye bye

When we were in Hawaii a few years ago we visited the North Shore to see the big waves at the famed Bonzai Pipeline. The ocean was as placid as the retention pond out by the Interstate. I have seen ski boat wakes make bigger waves. It seems the big waves only smash into the shore in the winter.

Pundits promised a big blue Democrat Bonzai Pipeline-like wave in yesterday's election. Instead we got the North Shore in May. The party out of power always picks up seats in the midterm election. Rarely is it so few. What  we saw yesterday was no mandate. Rather it was a meh, whatever. In fact, one might argue it was a continuation of anti-incumbent voting we saw in 2016.

I don't see waves of "me too" outrage or "impeach Trump now" hysteria. I see a little ripple on the political water. If anything, the anti-Kavenaugh votes might have lost the Femocrats a couple of seats.

What do you think?

At last

That is done. Maybe we can avoid any political ads until at least January? It will mean more car commercials, but it beats political advertising.

Did your candidate win? it looks like a split, Donks in the House, Repubs in the Senate. That means not much will happen legislatively. That is not necessarily a bad thing. The House will likely go into to a Get Trump frenzy with no path for anything to happen since the Rs gained more power in the Senate.

Go ahead Democrats, spend the days in a Marcia, Marcia, Marcia obsession with Trump and let's see how that works out in 2 years. Or you Dems could just ask Newt and the boys how it worked out in the 1990s.

I pulled the lever by pushing a red button

I couldn't believe the turnout when I moseyed over to the elementary school to cast my vote. Parking was at a premium, even street side parking was full. We waited about 15-20 minutes to vote. Considering we usually walk right up to the voting machine at mid-morning, that was crazy. It was not as busy as last year's general election though. 

I did my civic duty. I declined the stupid "I voted" sticker because I did not want one.

Per the normal way of things in this part of the state, lots of "R"s on the ballot; few Dems. Many local races were uncontested. Not as bad as a few years ago when I lived down in Shelby County and there was not a single Democrat running for office at the city or county level. Just a few miles south of my 'burb you would be hard pressed to find Republicans running for many of the offices. That is how stuff works when there are urban, suburban, and rural voters. 

Whether my guy or gal wins, life will go on. You won't find me crying or rioting in a fit of pique. And in truth, I doubt your life changes by much either. 

Does anybody know what time it is?

I don't care what it reads on the clock, my bladder knows what time it is.

If the politicians really want to make things better they could stop this non-sensical biannual changing of the clocks. It wouldn't cost any tax money either.

Since there is no money involved there is no one to pay for the vote so you and I are stuck with stupid time changes that serve no purpose.

Morning Memories

I made a pot of coffee this morning instead of a single cup from the Keurig. It just felt like it was going to be that kind of day. I trudged up the stairs and plopped down in the recliner in my office. I was engulfed in a chaff cloud of dog hair. The boy's dog stayed with us for the past couple of days. I know where he has been sleeping.

One more week and I start my new gig. I look around my home office fondly. A little nostalgia is already forming. Actually going to an office to work is going to be strange. This room is my little place. I spend more than forty hours a week in this converted bedroom. It is where I read the news and blogs each morning. It is where I type the mediocre content you consume. I work here and relax here on the long weekend mornings. It is the one room in the house decorated the way I want it.

Aside, I do not advocate framed copies of the Chicago Tribune from November 3, 2016 on the walls or humidors on the family room mantle or little wooden cigar store Indians on the end table. All are fine in my office. Not for the rest of the house.

I think this upstairs corner room has the best view in the house. I can look out over my triangular-shaped backyard. The big willow is just outside, the rest of the small lawn stretches away to the right. The early morning sunlight breaks first through my window. If I am on a long conference call I can prop my feet on the desk and look out the window by turning slightly right. I don't expect such views from a cubicle in an office park building.

Not working from home is the only downside I can find to the new job, at least before starting. I think I'm going to like it in every other way. But I'm going to really miss working from home. The wife is gonna miss me being here too.

It crosses my mind that a desk and filing cabinets are no longer going to be needed in here. Maybe I should get a TV and a small couch ? I could make it into a little man cave. Decisions, decisions.

weekend funny

A woman meets with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours.

Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver.

The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called…”

“Really? That’s wonderful…”

“Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time…”

“Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you too.”

“OK. Bye-bye.”

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks: “Who was THAT?”

“Oh,” she replies, “That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

I hate the end of DST because that means an extra hour of political ads

It is Friday and in a long-standing tradition I could throw up a music selection. I am tempted to post The Moody Blues Tuesday Afternoon or maybe the Stones'  Ruby Tuesday in a tangential homage to the upcoming Election Day. I won't, because I just want Tuesday to come and go away.

We in the Hoosier State are plagued by political ads just like you are. Since our Senate battle is pivotal to political control, we see ad after ad after ad. One candidate had three ads in a row last night followed by two for the other guy! If you don't think politicians are corrupt explain why anyone would spend millions to get a job that pays $160K?

Strangely, both the Democrat and the Republican are bragging about how they back Trump's policies.

If one believes the advertisements, both are liars, human garbage intent on ruining America as you know it, handing out hundred dollar bills from your taxes to murdering, raping immigrants, conspiring to take away your access to doctors while sending jackbooted thugs to confiscate your guns so you have no protection from the Bolsheviks. Both want to send your job to Mexico or China, while protecting the jobs here in Indiana.  And both hate the Washington elite.

That is why they are spending millions to become part of it, I guess.

All of that candy

Two.

That is how many Trick or Treaters showed up at the door last night. That is just below the average of...three...we have enjoyed since moving here. We have lived in this house since 2013. It is clear kids do not come to our cul-de-sac to collect Halloween candy, yet the wife insists on buying a couple of bags of candy bars every year. I suggested grabbing a six pack of big candy bars and that is it. I was clearly speaking in Charlie Brown teacher voice. We now have a big Halloween bowl of candy on the table.

This is a far cry from the hordes we had at our previous house. The streets were filled with kids running from house to house collecting goodies. The neighborhood really looked like the Halloween depicted on TV shows. We would go through three or four of those giant bags of goodies like you get at WalMart and Target. One year I had to confiscate stuff from my kids' stash to redistribute!

It is done for another year.  We will finally get rid of the candy by Easter.  Next year I will lose the argument yet another time as the wife convinces herself that this year the kids will ring the doorbell on Halloween.