Friday Five

There is that song. It comes on the radio while you are driving to Grandma's, or WalMart, or cruisin' the highways. You hear the first few notes and reach for the dial -- to turn it off.

There are those songs that litter our collective memory and the slightest sounds of the notes send foil-on-fillings cringes up your spine. The songs you loathe so much you would rather pierce your eardrums with icepicks, rusty hangers and screw drivers rather than endure. We are talking songs that make you wish you had spiders or small mice chewing the flesh of your inner ear rather than hear even them one more time.

You know the songs I am talking about. What songs do you hate most? I am not talking The Chicken Dance or The Hokey Pokey, but real songs that actually made the charts for some unknown reason?

I think we can all agree that Muskrat Love is number one, but what do you really hate?

Here are my five in reverse order:

5. Black and White as performed by Three Dog Night
4. Midnight at the Oasis as sung by Maria Muldaur
3. Billy Don't be a Hero by Paper Lace
2. The Joker by Steve Miller
1. Afternoon Delight by the Starland Vocal Band. May the author and composer rot in Hell.

With the exception of Number 1 and Number 2, I could interchange dozens of titles. I am sure some of you will remind me of other abortions of music that I will wish I had added. Some might say we could fill the list with Nickleback. Since I am in charge of this particular Friday Five Feature, I reserve the right to modify my list any darn time I feel like it. Don't push me or I will start posting videos of these songs. None of us wants that.

Play along or puppies will die, the terrorists will win and evil people will cut the whiskers off kittens. Void in Rhode Island. Failure to put your thoughts in the comments can put you on the author's shit list. No purchase necessary to play. Do it for the children. Playing may or may not help cure cancer. By playing along you acknowledge the author is correct in his declaration that Muskrat Love and Afternoon Delight are among the worst songs ever written and performed. Submitted written arguments proving otherwise will be considered. You will be wrong,and I will consider you a dip. Failure to provide a listing of five worthless songs indicates you hate babies and daisies. You would do it if you loved me. I will not tell anyone. Please, you don't understand how it hurts if you don't submit to the Friday Five. Do it for the children.

OK, you forced me:



Do not make me bring out Afternoon Delight.