If you drink, don't drive

I am not one to do a lot of year end reflecting. I might be an amateur historian, but the past is the past.

Despite the bombast, the sarcasm and the bluster you mostly find around here, I am really truly humbled that anyone takes time from their day to read my drivel. I thank each of you for your support.

I wish you happiness, good health, and success in the coming year.

If you are heading out to celebrate this evening, I will offer you the same advice I gave my kids as they left for college. Never, ever drink the punch at a party.  Trust me on this.

Classic music

How about some music for your entertainment today?

Just skip the ad at the beginning.



Your other choice is a detailed account of my ongoing bout of diarrhea this morning.

Christmas Again

We went to my daughter's house for "Christmas" last night.  She was at her husband's family this year over the actual Holiday.  She made an unbelievable dinner for us. Braised short ribs were accompanied by roasted butternut squash, green beans and potatoes. My daughter is an excellent cook.  She made a couple of apple pies for dessert along with a red velvet trifle. After stuffing ourselves silly for the third time in a week, we opened our gifts. After dinner the boys all retired to my son-in-law's man cave where we played some pool and watched some hockey on the big screen.  The wife and daughter washed the dishes while all of the men played.

I can live with that. 

Days and Weeks

I did not make it to the cigar store yesterday.  I spent the day reading and watching movies. Such is life.

It snowed all morning and much of the afternoon, with just an inch or so of accumulation, most of it is already melted.

I spent this morning filling in my new desk calendar. I have the birthdays and holidays scheduled, so I don't miss either. I would hate to work on a day I had off! Right now I am scheduled to attend the World's Most Boring Trade Show in February over President's Day.  That is supposed to be a company holiday. I hope I do, then I can take the day later as a vacation day.

It is not you, it is me

Well, to be honest, it is just that I have some new books to read. I would rather entertain myself than entertain you.  I am selfish that way.

I am going to do my best to remain politics-free around here until after the New Year.  That could be welcome news or not, depending on just what you are looking for at this old blog.  I have no idea.

It is Tuesday and I have no plans, besides some heavy reading and maybe some movie watching.  I might call my buddy, who is also off work all week, and see if he wants to head to the cigar bar this afternoon.  We are supposed to get a little (and I mean LITTLE) snow, so we shall see.

Have a great day.  Check back later.  Who knows, I might find some inspiration that drives me back to the old laptop to create a pithy, well written post. 

Yes, I know, I am laughing too.  My side hurts...

Santa has a sore back today

Good morning Blog World, I hope old Saint Nick was one half as kind to you as he was to me.  The wife, as usual, went berserk.  It was a  gift giving frenzy on her part. I received a bunch of new stuff, some I needed some I didn't, but isn't that the point of a gift?  The kids scored like they were six years old again. The only downer was my daughter and son-in-law went to his family in Chicago for the weekend. We will have a get-together with them later this week.

After we opened presents, I whipped up a bacon and eggs breakfast. After which I started in on preparing Christmas dinner. I made all of the boy's favorites to go with the traditional fare and the end result was a carbapalooza. Along with a succulent turkey I made noodles, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, rolls and mac and cheese. Oh, and candied yams, I forgot about them.  I would rather eat fried dog turds than sweet potatoes of any variety, but the wife loves 'em. For dessert, we had a peach pie my mom made me and a collection of cookies and fudge and treats my daughter made and brought over before she headed north. All of this was in addition to eating enough to feed Nigeria on Christmas Eve as we attended two family gatherings!

My blood sugar meter laughed when I checked my blood this morning.  I think the reading was "maple syrup". I am going to have to walk about ten miles a day this week to get things back into shape.

Have a great day.

Merry Christmas

The Reason for the Season.

Holy Toledo, what a football game

How about them Colts?  The Houston Texans continued a decade and franchise-long losing streak in Indianapolis last night. Aided by some key penalties that actually occurred and a few that never happened, the Colts led for 19 whole seconds to gain the second victory in the Dan Orlovsky era. Who needs Peyton Manning when Dan the Man is under center?

No, I was not at the game, so I do not get credit.  BUT---my daughter and son-in-law were there, so it is more apparent than ever a member of my family needs to be the guest of honor at all future games.

Holy Toledo, who would have thought the Colts could win again? And more importantly, why do we say Holy Toledo?  Why not Holy Rochester or Holy Evansville? Holy St. Marys has a more reverent sound if we have to use towns from northwest Ohio. I have been to Toledo and there is nothing Holy about it. Maybe Holy Toledo is a euphemism for Holy Hell? In that case wouldn't Holy Detroit be more fitting? Maybe Holy Gary? Those cities are both more representative of the nether regions than of Heaven.

Oh grow up, Detroit. Who makes a list of places they want to live and writes "Detroit" at the top in crisp black Sharpie?  No one, that's who.

If you want your colloquialism to have a degree of alliteration wouldn't Holy Hoboken better fit the bill? Perhaps Holy Billings would be better.  I always thought Billings would be a nice place, in the summer. Some might argue Holy Salt Lake City would be a better saying. I have been told Hawaii is Heavenly, so Holy Hawaii conjures images of an afterlife spent on spotless beaches. Plus it is another example of the double-H thingy.  I  do not think Holy Los Vegas is appropriate, other than I wager more prayers are uttered in Vegas than the Vatican City. See that, Dear Reader, how I mixed "wager" and "Vegas" into one snappy sentence?

After about 64 seconds of reflection, I think Holy Houston is the best phrase to use -- as in Holy Houston, you choked.

Perpetual Change

I finished my shopping in almost record time. Friendly salespeople in the women's store will always recognize a lost soul with a list in hand. It is easy commission.  In any case helping a customer find a specific item beats folding the same shirt on the front table for ninth time that hour.My patent 'awe shucks' and 'please help me' attitude never fails.

My approach to my work as a salesman is a related cousin to my Christmas shopping plan. In my dealing with my customers I am just an ordinary guy trying to make a living. There is no trace of the used car/insurance salesman huckster in my approach. I am knowledgeable and friendly. I have no issue being on the shop floor. My ace is self deprecating humor. Despite what you read here, and what alternate opinion you may have formed about me, that is my true persona. I save my pent-up obnoxiousness for you.  And my family.

I had an East Coast boss who hated my approach and constantly lectured me about changing the way I interact with customers, despite my continued success and territory growth. Many of those customers left with me when I went to a new company. That was also the same asshole who actually suggested I read from a script to customers. I laughed at him -- right to his face. He had issues that I did not take notes in meetings, until I recited back the entire conversation by rote to him in the car -- complete with volumes and part numbers. Of course he got the last laugh when he used the economic downturn after 9/11 to fire me. I quote -- "This department is going to make budget this year. The only way we can do it is by cutting salary. You are second in salary behind me, and I am not going anywhere. I have to let you go". One of my previous competitors hired me a week later.

Somehow we have drifted off topic, whatever that topic was.

What the Heck?

It is the first day of winter. The temperature was FIFTY-FIVE degrees when I went to fetch the paper at 7:00 in the aye em.

What the fuck is up with that?

I am off in just a bit to finish up my Christmas shopping.  Stay away from the mall today, I do not need you in my way.  Thank you in advance for your help in this difficult matter.

Keep an eye on the place while I am mingling with the common people, OK?

Here is some entertainment for you.  I am a giving person, eh wot?:

Things I know

1. Peanut butter should always be of the smooth variety.  Preferably Jif brand.

2. Honey should come from a bear-shaped bottle.

3. Just about anything makes a good sandwich when the bread is fresh.

4. Reading while eating improves digestion.

5. Had it been invented, all three Kings would have gifted Baby Jesus Chapstick. It is that awesome.

6. Next year I will not wait until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping.

It was a Brickhouse

Today is my last day of work for the year.  I am heading into vacation -- use it or lose it mode. I am pretty much caught up with work, so I took a break and fired up a nice cigar out in the garage. I looked at it kind of like a pre-holiday celebration. The cigar was good but the temps were in the low forties. I put on a couple of sweatshirts and my body was warm enough, but my hands got cold. I refuse to smoke a stogie in gloves.  There are limits.

I enjoyed the relaxation, until I got too cold. i probably left a larger stub than I normally would.

I have grown into a huge wussy..

A touching tale of Christmas

 

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where

around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, "honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago

where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I

would get it for you one day".

His wife said crying, "yes I remember that jewelry store".

He said, "well I'm in the bar next to it."

Dear Indidanapolis Colts

At this point it is clear it was my very presence in Lucas Oil Stadium that led to your first victory of the season yesterday. there can be no doubt upon this question.

I suggest you immediately provide me with a couple of tickets to all future home games in order to secure the guarantee of football victory going forward.

I do not expect expensive owners or corporate box privileges. Nor do I require 50 yard line views. Ninth row goal line seats similar to what I enjoyed yesterday will ensure your continued success and the blessings of the football gods for the remainder of this season and those to come.

Let me know if you need my mailing address to send the ducats.

Your Pal,

Joe

PS If you watched the game on TV, I was the one in the Colts jersey.

I want cupcakes

My friend's daughter is in the third grade. My friend is a good mother and volunteered to be a room mother. She planned a Christmas Holiday party for the kids.  My friend planned to bake cookies for the children and their party on the last day of class before Christmas Winter Break.

She got a call from the teacher the other day.  My friend was told she could not bring cookies and not to plan anything for the party. The school principal sent a memo to all of the teachers that he will provide the treats for the various parties and the school will show an appropriate movie to all classes. His memo stated that it is "unfair" for some classes to have "better" treats and parties than other classrooms. The teacher said the principal explained to the teachers he does not want one class to have homemade cupcakes while another classroom merely gets a bag of Chips Ahoy. He claimed that was not "right" and he could not allow it.

This, my friends, is example 1,618 why the Nation is lost. We are raising generations of Americans with the idea they are promised not equal opportunity, but equal outcome. We see it in the youth soccer "no keeping score" mentality. We see it in the socialist bent to today's OWS "you owe me" attitude.

It does not matter who wins the next election. A Conservative wave could sweep the halls of Congress, The ghosts of Goldwater, Reagan, Jefferson and Madison could combine to inhabit the body of the next Republican President. The makeup of the Supreme Court could lurch to the political right of John Birch. The youth of America are growing up believing they are entitled. There is no understanding that life, liberty and happiness are earned, not given.Any roll back from creeping socialism is temporary at best. Mao and Lennin, and Hitler, and even John Dewey were right -- win the kids and win the political argument for all time.

Today Republicans and Democrats no longer argue if the Government should poke its filthy greasy fingers into the pie, but how many fingers are acceptable. They all agree we should tax the "rich" at a higher rate, the only argument is what that higher rate should be. Somehow we no longer debate if Progressive policies are viable or wise, only the degree of progressiveness.

Too many Americans believe that fair means taking from the have's and passing it to the have not as much. There is no understanding that any act of leveling means something has to be reduced and knocked down. As long as it is the other guy we don't care.

I have not ranted much about politics around here of late. I am resolved I will never hold my nose and vote for "Not As Bad As The Other Choice" ever again.  Good people and not so good people are elected,  head to the corruption of Washington and become the problem.  There is no solution. Re-election is the only consideration. And why not? Does a pig back away from the trough when food remains? There is no political will to fix the immigration problem, the debt problem, the crush of an overwhelming bureaucracy. There will never be term-limits, it would mean the end of the power and money for too many career politicians.

Too is too much money and power at stake. We all know it. Only about 8 of every 100 Americans think our Congress does a good job. But fixing the problem means lost elections and an end to the gravy. Gotta keep gettin' the gravy.

But we do not demand better of our Nation.  We look down at our plate of Oreos and are just pissed 'cause the other guy got  homemade oatmeal scotchies.


p.s. My friend sent the cookies in the day before the party as a "treat" for the kids.  Fuck you Mr. Commie Bastard Principal.

Today's Earworm -- Holiday Edition

Weekend Funny

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded,

'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked,

'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied,

'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a bacon sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied,

'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him,

'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied,

'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said,

'Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich, doesn't it?

--got it from Otter

Going the full circle

I was trying to decide on what brilliance I was going to share with you today. I read through my blogroll and the few other sites I visit every morning. I signed into the old Blogger dashboard to make sure I read all of my comments on various posts. I had no spam comments, a curious and unusual occurrence to be sure.

I wiggled my fingers over the keyboard. No letters or words poured forth onto the laptop screen.

I decided to put  a load of towels into the washer. Harmless, impossible-to-screw-up-type laundry is all I am allowed to do. You know from which I speak -- towels, sheets, my tightie whities, the wife's unmentionables, the boy's stinky socks.

My work phone rang. Questions were followed by answers and goodbyes. I skipped over to the work email account to send follow ups to engineering.

I sipped my coffee. It was in a red spotted earthenware mug this morning. My Cubs coffee mug and my Superbowl XLIV mug were both in the dishwasher. The dishes were clean, but we have a hard and fast rule, if you open up the clean dishwasher you put away all of the dishes.  No picking out a clean fork and leaving the dishes for someone else to put away. Don't worry, I will empty it later, probably at lunch time. The coffee was not tepid, it was cold.

I took a deep breath and began to type. "I was trying to decide what brilliance I was going to share with your today..."

Shotgun Blues

Flying has never bothered me.  Airports are a different matter. I guess when you have spent as many hours as I have in various airports you just think of them as the modern equivalent of you grandpa's bus stations.

Yesterday I trudged down the ramp at Charlotte to my gate in the C Concourse. I was a little early to the gate and passengers were just starting to board a flight to Charleston. As the gate area cleared I picked a spot to sit. The air around me stunk.  It was bad body odor and it hung in the air like fog over London. I moved to another area and the odor lingered.  It covered the entire boarding area and lingered for the hour and a half  I waited to board my flight back to the Hoosier state. I am glad I was not next to that stinky passenger on the plane.  I bet they had to fumigate the aircraft after landing. WTH, is the concept of bathing so foreign these days?

I love flying at night. From 39,000 feet  you can see whole cities and counties at a glance. The lights look like splotches of orange and yellow paint splattered on black velvet. As we started our descent into Indy last night the scene was breathtaking.  As I looked out the scratched and greasy window I wished I had the skills to describe what I saw.

The plane was flying just above a solid cloud bank. The rain filled clouds looked like a gray sea against the night sky.  The plane seemed as if it were a ship sailing above a fluffy ocean. The clouds were literally right below our belly. We were skimming just above the upper surface of the clouds. .The plane banked left and the tip of the wing sliced into the clouds and disappeared from view, but the body of the plane remained just above the opaqueness.

As we started to descend into the clouds the plane seemed to speed up. I do not know why I always get that sensation when flying into clouds, there is no reference in the sky to help me sense speed, but it always feels as if we are accelerating.

We dropped from the low clouds just above the city. The tall buildings of downtown were to the south and east, just beyond my window, crouched in a huddled group around the hidden Soldiers and Sailors Monument.They seemed fewer and smaller from my vantage point in the winter sky.

The lights of the city spread below me.  I marveled again that the city may lack in a lot of respects, but it is sure beautiful from the air. The grid of streets is bisected by the avenues running at angles from the Circle downtown.  Orange lights line the streets.

As we came closer to the waiting arms of Mother Earth I began to see the signs and lights of stores and factories and shopping centers. Though I could not see them from the air, I noted again that Indianapolis has a remarkable number of trees within the city.  In a winter night the trees are just voids in the winking lights below. Soon I could discern the cars on the roads and highways.  I could just catch the twinkle of Christmas lights on a few decorated houses.

We sunk lower over the flat terrain and I could identify the Airport Expressway, or whatever it is called now. 465 was swept below as we crossed over the old terminal and parking lots and settled to a smooth landing. The FedEx  building loomed bright and busy on the left.

The plane rolled  westward toward the "new" terminal. I was home again, my last trip of the year.