Think about that Christmas Gift

A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy): “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.” She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

Hola

I'm still here. Are you?

I've worked late every night this week. Blogging time has become as scarce as palm trees in an Indiana winter.

How about a musical interlude to keep your toes tappin'

Why Youth Wins

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer: “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Up and down the ladder

I was busy as a bee yesterday. No, not shopping. You make me laugh. I dragged the Christmas stuff out of the attic. I swear every year I am going to put the lights away properly. That is, not thrown in a tangle in a box. Then January comes. So I untangled them and made sure they worked. Only one set failed to work and I had a replacement set new in the box.

We got the lights on the roof line, wreaths on the windows, the bushes and shrubs lit. It is a veritable Christmas wonderland. I also raked the leaves from the front yard yet again. I also cleaned the gutters while i was putting up the lights. We will start on the inside of the house decorations and trees today.

It is a good thing I got that exercise.  I ate way too much Thursday. As usual, we had two feasts -- one for each side of the family. It was great to see everyone. The best part was none of the dinners were at my house! I made noodles and dinner rolls to take to my daughter's and Deluxe Reese's Brownies and corn salad to take to my wife's family gathering. I got kudos all around. Everyone digs the corn salad. It sounds gross but is very good:

2 cans corn drained( I use Southwest/Mexicali corn   Small onion diced.  Green bell pepper diced   Package of sharp cheddar cheese shredded    1 C mayo (use the real stuff)

Stir and chill. Right before serving crush up a whole bag of Chili Cheese Fritos and stir them in.

Enjoy your Saturday.

Being Thankful

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little way up ahead.

“Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

“Not so good,” says Harry.

“Why, what happened?” James queries.

“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”

A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.

“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”

“Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.

A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires.

“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”

Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”

This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders.

“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”

James smiles at him: “Could have happened to me.”

Further thoughts on Thanksgiving

Here is a rerun from 2006:

As is my wont, I have been doing a little research into the Pilgrims and the First Thanksgiving. The feast for giving thanks was a great success. After the meal Miles Standish stood to give the after dinner toast:

"Thanks to everyone for a great meal, especially the women. Can we get a hand for the chicks, Guys? Just a word to Felicity and Sarah Hankins, though; next year we would like something more substantial from your larder than turkey hot dogs and that nearly empty bottle of Wild Turkey."

"On a quick programing note, some of the athletic contests will not be seen unless you have a direct communication with the heavens this year. I suggest hanging a dish from the thatch of your roof"

Finally, a word to my Native American friends. Thanks for making this feast such a success. I know we will make this a yearly tradition. I forsee such popularity that in the future you will probably need reservations."

"Thank you and good night."

 Live today: I certainly find myself amusing.

Happy Thanksgiving

Best wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. Now get off the computer and go watch a parade or football or eat or something.

Humpity Humpity

Good morning. One more work day before a very long weekend. I'm ready. My boss scheduled a conference call to begin at 4:30 to last until 6:00. On the day before a holiday.

I know.

In his defense the boss is working in CST, so he will get out at 5. Besides, he is in Mexico, so it is just another Wednesday for him. Still, it gives me an excuse to complain. I'm good at that. I am still trying to rehydrate my long dried-up sense of corporate identity. I have been spoiled in the intervening years since I last worked for a MegaCorp.

Deleted two paragraphs of additional complaint here. You are welcome.

I hope your turkey is thawed and the groceries are bought. You are running out of time. we are heading to my daughter's for dinner tomorrow. My dad is bringing the last of the pies mom had frozen. My mother was an award-winning pie maker (really). She won at the fair a couple of times. Sometimes people helped her with stuff, handymen, etc. in exchange for a pie. I will eat a slice with sadness beyond measure.

Why Old Guys Win

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, Morris had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

I can see for miles

I knocked off work a little early today. I had to see the eye doctor. All is good. My vision was a little worse. My astigmatism is still horrible. New glasses ordered. Blah blah blah. More importantly, the pressure in my eyes is good and my corneas look great. The new specs are gonna be very different. I'm going from the same old boring metal frames I have head since 1937 and going to a more modern plastic frame. The eye glasses lady picked them out and said they look great. WTH, I don't have to look at them, just see through 'em, so I suppose I do not really care.

Other than that, I got nothin'. Still in a steep learning curve at work. I'm looking forward to a big ole' Thanksgiving feast and a long weekend.

Hunting Season

Two hunters were dragging their recently slain deer through the snow back to their truck. Each one had a grip on a rear leg.

As they passed by an old Indian, he commented that the deer would pull a lot easier if they pulled it by the front legs because of the direction that the deer’s hair lays.

So the hunters each began pulling by the front legs.

About 20 minutes later, one of them says, “Boy! This is a lot easier.”

The other one replies, “Yes, but we sure are getting a lot farther from the truck!”

Workin' the weekend

Ah, Sunday. I'm relaxing here in the office blogging room sipping coffee and listening to music.  Don't tell anybody, but I am listening to Christmas music. I know, I am jumping the gun. It is not yet Thanksgiving, but the stores have been in full holiday mode since Halloween. Besides, I really dig Christmas music.

I raked leaves yesterday morning. This is the second go at the front yard. I got about five garbage bags full. The maple still has a lot of leaves, so I will be at it again later in the week.  As my wife frequently reminds me, I wanted all of these trees. I have made no effort to rake the back yard. The three Bradford Pears have not started dumping leaves at all.  The backyard got cleaned up from last fall's leaves when I mowed in the spring. I suspect that will be the case again.

The original plan was to start dragging the Christmas decorations from the attic yesterday. In case you do not remember, the wife goes all-out on Christmas decorations. She decided to wait until Friday to start decorating. The granddaughter will not be here this week after Monday, so maybe the wife will start decorating early? If she helps I will drag the trees and stuff out Monday evening after work.mi can do he outside on Friday then. Whatever. My role in it all is to be a pack mule and follow directions. 

Have a great Sunday.

Upside down you're turning me

My head is spinning. Starting a new job is always hard. My boss spent every minute of the week cramming stuff to overflowing into my brain. In addition, we made a trip to visit a customer. In the coming month I have two trips to Mexico and a week of introductory customer visits planned, all between Thanksgiving and Christmas! Sometime in Q1 I will be off to Europe. My life is the very definition of "hitting the ground running".

New products, new customers, new systems, new office, new procedures. I had forgotten the bureauacracy that comes with giant multi-national companies. Everything has to be documented, formatted, written, and stored just as described in the procedures. And then there are the meetings -- lots of meetings; internal and external.  This is a by-product of working in the light vehicle automotive industry. The commercial vehicle sector (big trucks and trailers) was not so heavily bureaucratized. All said, I am going to like it.

The bad news is the old blog is gonna suffer, at least until I can get a handle on things. Leaving home at 7:30 and getting back at 5:30 doesn't leave a lot of time for my hobbies. In the old days when I worked from home I could spend a ten minute break throwing up a post or adding a comment. Now I am subject to very restricted Internet access at work. Besides, I never have blogged the company computer, even when working from a spare bedroom.

I still have a bunch of canned posts to throw up. I think I will reserve the jokes so I do not give a double entry on the weekends.

Have patience. I will find a new routine over time. Hopefully you will still be here.

weekend funny

There was a bit of confusion at the Bass Pro Sporting Goods store this morning. 

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets,
the cashier said: “strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that
she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader. 

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

Head scratchin'

I'm not sure why they bother with elections in Broward and Palm Beach Counties, Florida. It would just be easier if election officials just announce who they think should have, could have, would have won and go ahead and declare that particular Democrat the winner.

You know, run the election the way Democrats progressives  and rat bastard Commies always run elections.

Try chewing gum

Greetings conversationalists, bloggers, readers, and critics from across the interwebz.  I'm alive and well. This real-job going to work stuff has put a serious crimp into my blogging time. Frankly, I don't know how you do it. Apparently I screwed off more than I thought.

No, I just had access to the Internet to do personal stuff on my breaks. Plus I usually blogged before work. Now that time is spent getting ready to go to work, commuting, etc.

I'm sorry you are missing out on me. Such is life. But once I get into the routine things might get better. Hold on to that faith. It will get you through the days as you suffer Hoosierboy withdrawal symptoms.

My life

I cannot remember from where I stole this.

The War to End All Wars

One hundred years ago today at 11:11 AM French local time WWI ended. The slaughter was so horrific it almost wiped out a generation of young Europeans. There remains to this day areas of France that are blocked off to public access because of the vast number of unexploded ordinance.

In Flanders Fields by John McCrae

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row, 
That mark our place, and in the sky, 
The larks, still bravely singing, fly, 
Scarce heard amid the guns below. 

We are the dead; short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, 
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields. 

Take up our quarrel with the foe! 
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high! 
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Take That Dannies

The mighty Wabash Little Giants captured the Monon Bell once again yesterday. That marks 9 out of the past ten years.

These two tiny schools have met on the football field for 125 years. That is a rivalry.

credit

weekend funny

A joke so stupid it is funny

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog’s chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.”

“What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven’t even done any tests! I want another opinion.”

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it’s head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”).

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he’s gone”).

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That’s outrageous!”

The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”