I swear every word of this is true

I drew the unlucky seat assignment again on my flight home yesterday evening. A young pimple-faced Eskimo boy from Anchorage heading to Purdue for placement tests occupied the window seat next to me. I am sure he is brilliant. He has plans to get degrees in electrical engineering and physics. I did my 'pull out a book and start reading thing' as soon as I sat down (to stop conversation with strangers), but this did not dissuade the youth. He began with loud discussions about what kind of books I like. I told him that no, I did not particularly care for science fiction. He asked me if I had read any of the classics. Clearly he had a literature course in high school. Dante, Conrad, Hemingway he dropped all of the names. He thought Vonnegut was the bomb. I told him Vonnegut was full of crap. When he persisted I pointed out Vonnegut himself said he was done after Breakfast of Champions and I said the man should have quit then. I pointed out old Kurt was a pretentious liberal fool. We did not discuss literature any more.

I just started to read again as we turned onto the runway. The kid hugged his giant owl pillow and began to rock back and forth. Did I mention his giant owl pillow? Against my better judgement I asked him if he was nervous about flying? He began to tell me about his plan to use industrial lasers to make a really bitching laser tag game. He shook his head side to side several times in the conversation like a dog shaking off water. He rang the call button on and off about ten times until the attendant came. He asked for a Coke. She told him we were still climbing to altitude and service would start in a while.

"Wouldn't it be cool to have Aladdin's magic carpet", he asked me. At least that is what I thought he said. I was distracted because he now gripped the tray table and shook it violently. The lady in the seat in front was not amused. I asked him what he had said. Yes, he did ask me if I thought it would be cool to have Aladdin's magic carpet. I thought maybe that was a video game or something. No, he meant a real flying carpet. I said sure. He spent several minutes describing flying while laying down on his carpet.

The flight attendants went by with the drink cart to begin their service up front. He rang the call button repeatedly until they came to see what was the matter. He asked for a Coke. I thought the attendant was going to hit him. The kid began banging his head on the seat back in front of him. The lady occupant turned around and told him to quit. I gave her an apologetic shrug. He advised me that when he got his masters and was done in six years it was his goal to be on the Enterprise. I asked him if he was joining the Navy. He said no, the Starship Enterprise. He was sure they were already building it and he would be finished with his education just in time. I told him he needs to get a grip, it was a movie. He clutched his pillow and rocked violently.

The kid asked for two different drinks. They gave it to him to keep him quiet. I faked sleeping for a while. As we were landing he looked out the window. He turned to me with scorn. "At least in Alaska we have grass in our parks", he proclaimed. I asked him impatiently what he was talking about. He described the brown and black squares. I told him those were fields, not parks.

"Fields?" Yes I told him, corn, wheat, beans, you know -- food. He told me when he got to Purdue he was going out in the fields and was going to make crop circles to "confuse the locals". I said he better stay out of the fields if he knew what was good for him, farmers would not find destruction of their crops too amusing. He told me he would use his flying saucer. I rolled my eyes.

The big lady across the aisle tapped me on the shoulder and said "Is that boy crazy"? I told her I thought so.

He asked me if I thought he would be better off to sleep for three or four hours tor just stay up and take the test. I suggested he get some sleep. He asked me how would he wake up? I said to have the hotel give him a wale up call. He had never heard of such a thing. He concluded they won't do that, he was going to just stay awake.

As we taxied to the gate, he started telling me to let him out. Repeatedly. As soon as the fasten seat belt sign turned off he pushed past me and headed for the front of the plane.

For part of tho flight I thought he was trying to screw with me. Later, I decided he was high on energy pills or caffeine. Maybe he was off his meds. I do believe he was the most immature teenager I have ever met. I have seen the future. It scares me.

Just think -- sometimes I wish I did not travel so much.

Edit: since yesterday evening the same guy from Australia has landed here searching for pygmy sex more than 40 times. I appreciate the hits, but wow.