Hoosierboy Guide to History Part Deaux

 The English had just fought a war in North America to protect their colonies from the evil French and their Native American (no one called them that) allies. British politicians asked themselves why their constituents needed to cough up more taxes to pay to protect colonies from the French and the Indians when those colonists paid no taxes. 

The Parliament said the colonists needed to pay some taxes going forward. The American colonists replied that if we are going to get taxed we should get a vote on it. the Parliament said "You will take it and you will like it." 

The Americans replied "F@#k you." The King pointed out his army had cool red uniforms. The Americans told the king where he could shove those red uniforms. "Are you ready to rumble?" They demanded. War was on.

Now at this point in history the British army and navy were the most powerful in the world.  While the plucky Americans continued to fight, they lost most of the battles, but just like Cool Hand Luke, the embattled colonials refused to stay down.

Meanwhile, the Americans sent  smooth operator Ben Franklin to talk to the King of France. "Hey King, your cousin King George is a real dick." he told the King of France.

"I hate that guy," said French King Louis, so Ben explained that if the French would just give the Americans a little bity loan, the colonists would knock that bully George down a peg or two. Oh, and if Louis threw in some ships and sailors to sail those ships and a few regiments of infantry, victory would be guaranteed. "And money, don't forget the money," Franklin's buddy John Adams added.

"I hate that guy," Louis said again. "Do you promise to pay me back?" 

Ben Franklin looked over at John Adams and winked. "Sure, with interest."

So the French gave troops and ships and money, lots of money, to the Americans. Finally after seven years of war, Parliament looked at the recalcitrant Americans like a parent sick of arguing with their teenager. "If you think life is so easy out there in the adult world - good luck," and they took back the cell phone and kicked the ungrateful jerks out of the British Empire. 

Then those crazy Americans formed a country and established a government without a king. Heck, there was no nobility at all. 

The rest of Europe looked on in alarm.

Hoosierboy Guide to History

 About a thousand years ago a French Guy invaded England and proclaimed himself King and that is why WWII  (as in World War two, not, ahem, eleven) happened. 

For the next few centuries the king of England and the King of France fought over territory, over money, and over who would be king of France. Several English monarchs in these years could not even speak English, only French. In fairness, I cannot understand Old English either. 

Things grew so bitter, the French and English fought a war that lasted one hundred and sixteen years, but that conflict goes by the nickname The Hundred Years War, I suppose because some dorky historian believed it flowed off the tongue easier. Ultimately, the French kept the French throne and the English the English throne, and British monarchs then spent their time fighting their relatives, the Welsh, Irish, and Scots, the Dutch, and the Spanish and anyone else that irritated them. Basically the English were soccer hooligans before World Cup soccer was invented. 

Then the Spanish started bringing boatloads of gold back from the New World and both the British and the French wanted in on some of that sweet "exploit the natives" action. 

In North America the French went for trapping and trading furs and the British started sending over malcontents, criminals, and religious fanatics to colonize the wilderness. Everybody was making money, if you were a Royal or their buddy.

Things were going great until like a couple of selfish kids France and England started fighting over what would later be described as "red states" and the old animosities raised their ugly head. "Mine" "No. Mon" brought the two kings back to war and this time they only went at it for about seven years. Clever historians called this conflict the Seven Years War. 

The French lost. Their nation's collective psyche didn't take it well.

More in the next episode as we examine how Newton's Third Law of Motion applies equally to history.

Monday music

 

Happy Mother’s Day

 …to all you moms out there.

How it’s made

How does a priest make Holy Water?

He boils the Hell out of it. 

Ba Boomp

Shuddup. You will repeat it. 

Making the Rounds

 Four or five nights a week the video doorbell gives a “motion detected at the front door” alert. This usually happens in the overnight hours, anywhere from 1-4 AM. It is invariably a big fat raccoon walking across the yard, near the porch. Strangely, he is always crossing right to left. Heading somewhere, never returning. 

Where does he go? Is this part of his normal exercise routine, a normal walking pattern he never varies? Is this his route to work?  Is my neighbor’s garbage can the nearest “store” where he gets his last-minute “groceries”? 

I don’t know where the raccoon comes from. I don’t know where he is going. I do know I’m on the way to wherever it is. 

All that plus arthritis

 Here is a medical update you did not ask for. The hand doctor injected my recalcitrant finger with a dose of cortisone this morning. I should know in the coming days if that injection heals my trigger finger/tendonitis or if I need surgery. The good doc says injections work 75% of the time. 

My hand is still a little numb, so mouse handling is a bit sketchy right now.