Boss and secretary

 The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% how much would you take off?” he asked her.

The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

all about the Feelz

A little known secret is that Indianapolis has a higher murder rate per capita than Chicago. The evening news is nightly filled with reports of shootings. It also has a prosecutor who refuses to charge any but the most heinous felonies. In case you could not guess, Indianapolis is run by Democrats. 

The city used to have a fun and vibrant downtown, including a mall. It was relatively safe. Then Joe Hogsett became mayor. 

Now Hogsett is running for re-election. He promised he would only serve two terms, but I guess he lied since he is trying for a third term. The cornerstone of his current campaign is passing massive gun control laws in the city, which is encompasses virtually all of Marion County. Hogsett has not yet revealed the details, but it appears he will be after the Democrat dog whistle “assault weapons”. Except rifles are used in a tiny fraction of crimes in Marion County. But whatever.

There is one huge problem with the Democrat plan. Indiana is a preemption State, meaning the State Legislature decides gun laws and localities cannot have their own gun restrictions. So Hogsett’s plan is to pass an illegal law and then spend hundreds of thousands of tax dollars fighting the preemption laws in court. Marion County will pay tax dollars in legal fees twice, for the city to challenge the laws, and for the state to defend the law. All so the Democrats can feel better that they tried to do something.

How about strictly enforcing  the existing laws instead of punishing the law abiding? There is an idea. Start with charging to the full extent of the law any felon caught possessing a firearm? And no plea deals on those charges? 

The whole idea, even if somehow passed and made into law and surviving a court challenge, is unworkable since any would-be criminal could drive twenty miles in any direction and legally purchase a gun.

It hope the mayor’s latest Democrat pipe dream is enough to roust the remaining Republican voters and enough independents and purple democrats to vote this tyrant from office. 

In Memorium

 

In Flanders Fields

John McCrae - 1872-1918

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
    That mark our place; and in the sky
    The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
    Loved and were loved, and now we lie
        In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe: 
To you from failing hands we throw
    The torch; be yours to hold it high. 
    If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
        In Flanders fields.

Money for nothing

When my kids were little they would clamor for a new toy. When I said I don’t have the money today they would tell me to just write a check. I had to explain that you need the money to write a check. 

The Democrats running the country did not learn this lesson. They simply write checks without funds in the old checking account. Then the Bidenistas shout we must raise the debt limit because the money has been spent. If my checking account worked that way, my kids would have been the envy of the neighborhood with all of their new toys. 

In the coming days we will hear frantic reports about unnecessary programs shutting down for lack of funds. If these government programs are not essential, then why do we need them?

Here is a case in n point, albeit at the state level. At the Automate trade show last week two separate individuals stopped by the booth looking for the boss man to discuss all of the funds available in Michigan  for companies. Relocation grants, tax abatement, training, grants to hire people, etc. the state is paying people with your money to entice and encourage companies to spend even more tax money - your money. 

I am certain we are doing this kind of thing at very level of government. It makes me ill.

Via Omaha

 I will be packing up and vacating my hotel room as soon as I finish this and take a shower. My week in Detroit is done. So long and good riddance. Trade shows suck.

I had a great time with my coworkers though. Food and fun and not a little bit of alcohol was part of the trip. 

I am ready to be home though.

Regular nonsense will resume tomorrow if I feel like it.

Three Nots and a Don’t

I watched one and a half episodes of the HBO miniseries The White House Plumbers. It was enough to form an impression.

Not funny

Not historical

Not...good

Don’t bother.

You are welcome

Calling the Vet

 A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to separate them. She called her vet and explained the problem to him.

Annoyed, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it on the floor alongside the dogs. I will call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and you will be able to separate them.”

“Do you really think that will work?” she asked.

“Just worked for me.”

Oh, this joke is probably NSFW.

You shouldn’t be surfing blogs at work anyway.

Head Scratchin’ Here, Boss

Let me see if I have this straight. New York State has decreed that you cannot have a gas stove. They are moving to eliminate natural gas from water heaters and home heat. You will have to buy an electric vehicle if you want a new car. They are shutting down nuclear plants and fossil fuel plants for electric generation. “Renewables” that are not really renewable account for less than 10% of electricity today will have to make up the slack right when electricity demand will skyrocket. 

Officials said they have no plan B if solar and windmills cannot provide electricity. 

As I have said before, future us is going to look back on these decisions and wonder what the hell was wrong with us? 

Climate change is a dangerous religion. Don’t think “Oh, well that is New York or California.”  They are coming for your state too.

Stupid people keep voting for their own destruction.

The Same Old Cliche

I’m off Trade Showing this week. Six days in the Motor City is not my idea of fun, but it is the job. 

Not to worry, I have several posts of the utmost entertainment canned and ready. You will be pleased to note there is not a rerun among them. As an added bonus, I will have time in the mornings to post, should I desire. I can then save the preserved posts for another time. Fresh, frozen? Will you tell the difference? Is reading this blog an adventure, or not? 

Do not answer.

Here, this was recorded in roughly the same place I will be:

Thoughts from the shallow end of the pool

I have over 65,000 words written on my novel. I have sent portions to two professional writers for advice and input. 

I have grave concerns about the structure and style of the work.  I know what I am trying to accomplish, I am not convinced I have the talent to do it. The chapters alternate between the current and the past. In addition, the chapters are more anecdotal instead of a linear progression. It describes an event rather than this happened today, this tomorrow, and that the next day. Besides, if you have read here for any length of time you know I write like a sixth grader. Long elaborate complex thoughts and sentences are not my thing. Actually, according to Microsoft Word analytics, I write like a third grader, but I am giving myself a modicum of credit.

I have tried reformatting the tale into a straight linear historical flow, but it seems flat to me without the contrasting elements of past and present appearing side by side. 

I am thinking seriously about posting the work in serial form on a separate blog. I will have to break the chapters further, posts longer than a couple of hundred words are not suitable for the blog format — TLDR. You and I both know that. 

The real question is if I can finish putting up bits and pieces of the story in serial form before I can actually finish writing the book altogether. The first 50K words were easy. The rest has been a slog. 

If I ever allow this thing to see the light of day and try to publish it, my potential audience will be a problem. I would count on all twenty of you to buy the book and why should you if I let you read it for free in increments? It is the old milk and cow thing. 

Rip Mr. Brown

It is with great sadness I learn that possibly the greatest football player ever, Jim Brown, has died. 

He also starred in one of he greatest war movies ever, The Dirty Dozen.

Special Project

I have made a decision. I am gong to write my memoirs. I will divulge all of my secrets, all of my knowledge, all of my experiences. It will be a wonderful and valuable gift for my great-grandchildren. 

I do not intend for these secrets to be divulged soon nor easily. I intend to write everything in code, my own special version of the Voynich Manuscript. I call the script “cursive writing”. Only the scholars of ancient history and antiquities will be able to decipher my work. 

I give advice by the bucket, some people only take it by the drop

Not only have they stopped teaching civics, history, and grammar in school, it appears they no longer teach vocabulary. To the untold number of persons on Twitter, TickTock, and Facebook, “literally “ means letter by letter, in its exact accurate sense, and specifically it means according to the letter of the language. If you say something is literally killing you then you would be in the process of actually dying. 

For example, not allowing you, as a thirty year-old man in a dress and makeup, to use the women’s restroom with little girls, is not “literally killing you”. 

Try to get it right before going all drama queen, people. 

I ran out of time or I would have clubbed a couple of seals

 

Sometimes I read my archives for reasons you do not have the need to know. I ran across this post from May of 2012. Yes,I do amuse myself on occasion.

Dear Diary: a Republican memoir

Thursday.

I think the libs are on to us. I was pretending to debate at this liberal website when it became clear they know our agenda.  Make a note to send an Internet virus to all liberal blogs in the future. Check on automatic spam generation system.

At the school board meeting we made arrangements to ban all evolution classes and institute a strict Creationist curriculum..  We threw out all the textbooks, only the Bible is necessary. Students will pray three times a day, but only to a Christian God. Also mandated a strict high fructose corn syrup and meat lunch followed by a no-exercise period. OK'd selling Cokes and Fritos during lunch period. Got rid of the free lunch program, not interested in hungry kids' sob stories.

Took the Hummer down to the shop to have the new fuel using device installed.  Now I will get 50% less on gas mileage. The CO2 levels in the exhaust are supposed to triple!

Friday

Went by the plant. Ordered benefits cut. Laid off a dozen older workers. Instructed the Personnel Manager to make sure our benefits we no longer cover any item related to women's health. Told him to try harder to find some kids to work the line. Instructed the foreman to remove the guards from the presses. I hope to see some fingers missing by Monday. Made secret plans to ship all of the jobs overseas. Accounting informed me of a scheme to not only avoid taxes, but to steal from the workers paychecks. Called up some thugs to bust the Union Vote.

Threw some trash out my car window. Laughed at a crying Indian.

Saturday 

Went out to Jim's farm to help him spread chemicals on his produce so the consumers all get sick.  We plowed up some topsoil so it will blow away in the forecasted storms this weekend. We shot an endangered bear and I even bagged a spotted owl! We cut down some really old trees for no reason.  I arranged with Jim to tear down some historic buildings in town next week. Bought lunch for a Army veteran.

Refused to recycle yet again.

Sunday

After church we made improvements to the concentration re-education camp we are constructing for the queers. I splurged and used a five dollar bill to light my cigar, instead of the usual Washington. I made arrangements to fly the private jet to the One Percenter conference next week. Killed a kitten for sport.

Monday

Installed a lawn jockey at the foot of the drive. .That reminds me, I have to pick up the KKK robe down at the dry cleaners. Once again, I lament that I cannot legally own slaves So I did the next best thing,  I called up Sheriff McCoy and told him to roust up a few illegals down at the Home Depot.  I suggested a good beating for the men and gave him permission to rape the women. I told the hospital not to treat anyone without insurance. Painted a women gold just to send a message to a British spy.

Tuesday

Had the bank foreclose on everybody.   Had my Senator arrange for fracking in the park. Asked again on the status of my strip mining permit. Kicked a homeless man. Paid some thugs to steal all of the canned goods from the food pantry. Burned some books and had sex with a hooker. Heard a report my yard man changed the oil in the mower and dumped the used oil it in the river. Sent him a bonus.

Wednesday

Encouraged the President to start a war. Waterboarded a teenager. Bought a new flag pin for my Church Suit. Protested down at the abortion clinic.  Handled snakes at Church. Mowed over the neighbors flower beds. Got my new monocle -- looks great with my gold headed cane. Sent over some of the boys to rough up Patrick Swayzee behind the bar. Went shooting with Ted Nugent and Dick Cheney. Told Dick to keep that tube pointed down range, ha ha. Texted a racist joke to Sarah P.  She thought it was funny. Almost missed my monthly Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Meeting. Completed the sale of some weapons to a third world dictator. Burnt a black church. Listened to Rush for the secret code words.

Another week as a typical Republican has reached its satisfying end.

Russia, Russia, Russia

The corruption, obfuscation, bias, and criminality in the scope of Crossfire Hurricane and the impeachment’s of Donald Trump exceeds and dwarfs the entire Watergate mess. 

Too bad we do not have a real press to investigate and expose the truth. They won’t, because they were complicit in the corruption and cover up. 

The Uncle Charlie, Bender, Slurve, Hook, Yakker, Old Number Two

Sorry, I have a headache. Oh, wait, you didn’t ask for sex, did you? Well I have a headache anyway. I blame it on a combination of weather, pollen, and stress. 

I think the wife had a good Mother’s Day. I bought her a big planter at the greenhouse. It was too expensive, but she liked it. We went to dinner with the kids yesterday and then for dessert after. 

I started watching a series on streaming yesterday called Rabbit Hole. The series is aptly named. It has more twists and turns than a DNA helix. I spent too much time watching the first few episodes. This show throws more curves than Sandy Koufax. 

Okay, that last description may not have much relevance to today’s audience. Heck, the Dodger great ended his career when I was four. The reference is actually meaningless to me beyond reputation. 

Look, the show throws a lot of curves, alright? 

Sigh, for you millennials, a curve is a baseball reference describing the bending flight path of a thrown ball. 

What? Baseball is a sport, once described as America’s Pastime. Oh never mind.

Have a great Monday.  

to Mom!

The day dawned warm and cloudy here in Connor Prairie, Indiana. A big fat rabbit sat on my patio as I padded into the kitchen. I went down to get the wife some donuts for Mother’s Day. I also partially wanted some coffee. It certainly is not as prosaic as Johnny Cash’s Sunday morning detailed in song, my Sunday is rather boring. Still, I am alive and it is a new day. God has blessed me and that is enough. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there.

I miss you Mom.

We've been together so long now They both need resoled

It is the spring/ summer blogging doldrums around here. These are not to be confused with the mid-winter doldrums nor the early and late fall malaise periods. I do have the old lazy blogger standby of putting up a music video in lieu of a real post. That is not to say I am going back to the Friday Music posts. No one liked that feature. This is completely different.

Have a great Friday.

Calling Doctor Freud

Do you ever have a dream that repeats all night? Last night in my dream I bought a Big Mac and the bottom layer was missing. I got one all-beef patty, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle, onion on a three layer bun. It was just bun, stuff, bun, bun. WTH dream McDonald’s? Besides,I could not say the last time I had a Big Mac. interpret that one head shrinkers.

The flood gates will open at the border today. Can anyone explain why we have to let the illegals cross? Why isn’t the Army or National Guard stationed to protect the border? 

I am sure I said this four years ago, in a nation of 350 million people, are Trump, Biden, and Harris really the best we can come up with?

bipity bopity boo

How Cubs-like to lose two in a row to the bleeping Cardinals. The Cards had only won eleven games until they played the Cubbies. Chicago now represents 15% of St Louis’ wins. Sheesh. See that Mr. Moyer, my old math teacher, I did actual arithmetic. 

Is it just me, or is more and more prevalent that people smell like walking bongs in public these days? Last I checked smoking marijuana was still illegal in Indiana. I am not making judgment here. I have long thought pot should be decriminalized and taxed like alcohol. I do not partake personally. I think I’m allergic. I even break out in hives around real hemp rope. I do think those who drive high should be punished as aggressively as the authorities go after drunk drivers. 

I spoke with an old customer yesterday. It was great to reconnect with someone from my very early days in sales. This guy was never a large customer, but I always liked him. 

That is enough rambling for a Wednesday. Have a good one.

General Hospital

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said,

“Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his every whim sexually several times a week.”

“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

“What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied

Monday: it has been a long week already

I  have nothing to report. Oh, I could go off on an epic political rant but why get my blood pressure up to unacceptable levels? In truth, my blood pressure is good for a fat old guy: always 120s over 80s. But you get the point on politics and blood pressure. 

I saw a news report today where a court in Ohio ruled it was fine that a man who pretends he is a female exposed himself to little girls in a women’s locker room at a YMCA, because the court ruled he was so fat his gut covered his tiny genitalia. There is something sad and pathetic and comic in the whole story, but I am at a loss for words. OK, the word “tiny” was not used to describe his man junk, but I am certain the description is apt. 

Chuck was kinged over in Britain. Harry frowned. Megan stayed home. I did not watch. 

I did watch a great movie from 1991 called Black Robe. Set in seventeenth century French Canada, it is about a Jesuit missionary attempting to convert the native tribes. It is first rate if you dig that period in history. You can find it on Amazon Prime streaming.

I have a weekend of emails to get to. Work beckons.

All because Charles de Lorencez couldn’t take an undermanned fort

It was a nice evening and we had a few errands to run. On the way home the wife suggested we grab some Mexican food, because of course she did; Mexican is her favorite. I forgot it was Cinco de Mayo.  The restaurant as packed and people were standing outside waiting for a table. Oh well, we had nothing else to do. 

Cinco de Mayo is not a major holiday in Mexico, mostly it is celebrated in Puebla. It celebrates the Battle of Puebla in 1862, where the Mexican Army defeated the French. I have been to Puebla several times and the Battle is a minor part of its culture and history. There are stories and pictures over there in the archives of some of my trips to Puebla. 

In the end we had some great food. We just waited longer than usual to get it. The wife had her normal unauthentic chimichanga, I went for arroz con pollo instead of my usual two enchiladas, since we had a coupon for a free entree. 

Riveting stuff right? 

Apparently, Great Britain is crowning a new monarch. I don’t care. King Chuck is just a guy, no better than me. In fact, since I never cheated on my wife and I don’t live the life of a millionaire off the backs of working people, I might just be better than he. If the people of a Great Britain want o have that family as their sovereign it is not my problem, I just have no interest in caring about any of it. I will add that if by the slimmest or chance I would see the King there is zero chance I would bow or even doff my hat. 

I’m an American and he means nothing to me. 

Have a great Saturday.

Ain't got time to take a fast train

I have to be honest I hate the Amazon chick with a mustache commercial. 

We are finally heading back to spring-like weather. We should see the mid-seventies today and perhaps eighty by Sunday. I need to cut the lawn sometime. It appears we will have the weather for it. I did sneak out to the patio yesterday afternoon and had a nice cigar in the sunshine. It is Okay, I started work early. 

I did not want to have a cigar yesterday, the smoking monkey ordered me too. He said it is nice and sunny, you will go outside and smoke a cigar. What could I do? He is the smoking monkey! Here he is guarding my humidor. He is not fond of being photographed. 

It is a no politics Friday, so I will lead us into the weekend with some music.

Have a great Friday.

Something Blue

Today is not only Star Wars Day (May the Fourth be with you!), but youngest granddaughter’s fourth birthday. She has been anticipating the day for weeks. Remember how you used to look forward to birthdays? Later in life you dread getting a year older, then a birthday becomes a milestone — you cheated that bastard Grim Reaper another year. 

I started rereading Michael Shaara’s epic Civil War novel The Killer Angels yesterday. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed the book. Did he take liberties with the characters? Yes, it is a novel. But he did get the basic history of the Battle of Gettysburg fairly accurate. It is a great read you should grab if you get a chance. 

If I were a history teacher, I would assign this book and then use it as a springboard to discuss the various causes for the Civil War and reasons for fighting the Civil War (they are not the same). Then I would have a historical discussion about each phase of the battle; what happened when. Of course, they do not teach history any more so I would have a worthless lesson plan.

If you ever saw the movie Gettysburg back in the 90’s, it was based on this book. Quick aside: young twenty-something me appeared as an extra in that movie when I was doing Civil War re-enacting. You can see me in Glory too. I am the one wearing a blue uniform. 

Tuesday post on a Wednesday

God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

Poof! All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America.

He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.

Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so many people just ignored me standing there.

Man: don’t worry about it! That’s just what good people do. After a few minutes driving the man leans over,

Man: Hey, I have this sandwich here, ya want some?

Jesus: wow, thank you sir, that’s so kind of you! I’d love some. A few more minutes pass and the man leans over again.

Man: Hey I have a few beers in the cooler back there, want one? Amazed by the man’s kindness.

Jesus: wow sure! I’d love one. Thank you again.  After a few more miles down the road the man looks around suspiciously and says…

Man: hey…I uh, have a little joint here. Want to take a few puffs with me? Jesus pauses for a second.

Jesus: ya know what, why not! So the man and Jesus drive down the road smoking the fattest joint listening to music and having a good time.  Finally, Jesus speaks up.

Jesus: okay listen! I can’t keep quiet any longer! You have been so kind, so nice, I want to tell you…I’m Jesus! God sent me down here to help the people and you’ve just been so kind. What can I do to repay you? Anything!

The man looks at Jesus with a grin on his face and says, “Good shit, huh?”

Fellas, it's been good to know ya

I had a long rant nearly composed about property taxes and government spending and deleted it. It is insane that my assessed value of my house has increased more than 50% in ten years. Thus I have seen an property tax increase as a result.* Couple the various additional sales taxes the legislature has allowed and my towns insatiable appetite for spending money...well you see where it was going. It can only imagine what it would be if Democrats controlled spending. The Republicans are bad enough. 

I’ve said it before, every elected politician should have to get a tattoo on their forearm that exclaims, “that is NOT your money.”

See, I went there anyway, only I managed to say it with about two hundred fewer words. 

Gordon Lightfoot died. . Let’s clear the palate with his masterpiece:

*That means a corresponding increase in homeowners insurance since most mortgagers and insurance companies mandate you carry insurance to at least 80% of the homes value. 

March in May

I wish I could regale you with tales of a fun and adventurous weekend. I cannot. Saturday we went to see the granddaughter’s soccer match then motored to a town south of Indy for a festival that was little more than a flea market. After spending maybe thirty minutes walking past the booths with an emphatic “nope, nope,”  we decided to drive on down to the outlet mall. 

Of course the “we” in that previous sentence meant the wife wanted to drive on down to the outlet mall. There is certainly not one store there that interests me. I made one circuit around the shopping center as a point of exercise. I went back to the car and listened to the Cubs game and then some music on the radio. 

We grabbed a quick dinner and headed home. On the way home we were caught up in traffic as there was a giant accident that closed down three lanes of traffic on the interstate. We were close enough to the wreck that ambulances were still arriving as we were stopped. 

Ho hum, ho hum.

Sunday, I tried to bake cookies. I think the thermostat is out in the oven. That or it is the heating element. It took forever. Later, I made breaded tenderloin for dinner. The cheese potatoes got hot, but they never browned up like I wanted. I guess that Samsung stove is as big a piece of shit as their refrigerators. 

There you have it another boring weekend. 

Now it is Monday. It is cold as heck here. It might even spit some snow. WTH? 

Oh well, get to work!