March 31, 2022
March 30, 2022
The first one says," My dad is so scared that when lightning
strikes, he slides underneath our bed."
The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared that
when my mother works nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next door."
March 29, 2022
You Tell Me
Why I hate Peter Frampton
Miss Parker was teaching about poetry. She told how a poem came in many forms from traditional, to the plays of Shakespeare, to a song. Our assignment was to find a poem that we liked, that spoke to us as a person. We would read our poems to the class.
I had been reading a significant number of books about the Revolutionary War, it was,as I mentioned, the bicentennial. Somewhere I had acquired a thin tome of writings related to the Revolution: Patrick Henry's Liberty or Death speech, essays by Paine, and Emerson's Concord Hymn. Perfect. That was a poem!
The day came. The first girl stood up to read her poem. She read lyrics from a Peter Frampton song. I sat smugly, I had a real poem. Everyone would see how smart I was, finding a poem that marked our country's revolutionary struggles.
The next girl also read lyrics from Frampton Comes Alive. So did the next. A guy read lyrics from another song. My head began to pound. Another girl read song lyrics. Another student read more Frampton. Panic starts slow and builds. At fourteen embarrassment is the worst possible outcome to any situation. More lyrics. I hated that fucking Frampton guy.
Just a few students left. Look down, Joe. Maybe Miss Parker will forget about you. No. My turn. My brain screams "Turn it to your advantage". I take a superior tone and tell the class I have a "real" poem of historical significance. I read my Emerson. Blank faces stare at me, even Miss Parker has that WTF? look on her face. Oh god, I'm the weird kid. Loser, geek, nerd, spaz, "didja hear about Joe Hoosierboy?", dork.
The final two or three students read their poems to the class. All read song lyrics, my memory says they read Frampton, but I was in catatonic embarrassment shock. Woe. I was very short. Very skinny. Couldn't play basketball. Read some kind of weird-ass poem in freshman English class. It was going to be a long four years of high school, but I was sure of two things -- I would never ever knowingly take a poetry class in the future and Peter Frampton was an asshole..
March 28, 2022
March 27, 2022
Post 7346, or 84 days of bird crap
The wind chill is a un-springlike 15F this morning. That is cold any time of the year. I should have braved the weather to snap a picture of the neighbor’s yellow daffodils poking their blooms through the snow yesterday. I didn’t. So it goes.
As is often the case I peruse the interwebz before I compose a post. I read not only your blog, but other interesting and not so interesting stuff. This morning I read about a woman who let a baby bird nest in her hair for a couple of months. I’m not going to link. If you find that fascinating you can search it out on your own.
Sometime last week I passed my...carry the one...multiply by pi...divide by the square of the hypotenuse...apply the mathematical associative property...my
53rd no, let me do the math again, make that my 17th blogversary. This makes post seven thousand, three hundred and forty six. That is a lot of words. That is a lot of fluff and crap and lectures and politics and old war stories and sheer nonsense. If you do the math, that comes out to almost every day.
I have slaved over a hot keyboard to bring you whatever this is. Why? I don’t know. The bigger question is why seventeen of you show up to read it? What’s wrong with you? You could be reading about women who let birds nest in their hair, or why a Congresswomen thinks it is racist to arrest people for not paying subway fares, or how Sleepy Joe just threatened to remove the leader of one of the most powerful nations on Earth. Instead, or also, you bother to glance at whatever I hack together; typos, poor syntax, faulty logic, Neanderthalic politics, unedited prose and all.
And the title of this post is a lie. I’ve written (not necessarily published*) 7347 posts. Tomorrow’s effort is already written. While it may be canned, it is of uncompromising genius. A Monday post, when as many as 20 readers stop by. I want to reach the masses, not just my loyal weekend crowd.
Thank you for your loyalty, your patronage, your bothering to read my words.
* just think, there are posts I thought were too crappy to publish. Scary, ain’t it?
PS, to give you an idea how these posts are composed, purely extemporaneously, I intended to write about baseball when I started typing this morning. See how easily you get me off subject?
PSS Yes, she let a bird nest in her hair for eighty-some days. I can’t get past it. 84 days: some dude went around the world in less time. Sheesh.
March 26, 2022
I Don’t Know No Cool Lines
March 25, 2022
And so is Lola
March 24, 2022
That passage of time can’t go quick enough
March 23, 2022
Does anyone know the Finnish word for “Horrible”.
March 22, 2022
Come on Over
...and bring your chain saw.
A big limb just fell from the giant willow in back. Too bad it wasn’t one of the dead ones. Getting rid of this is going to be expensive. No one wants to carry it through the gate and around the house. I guess I’ll try to saw it up. How to get rid of the debris is the issue.
The whole tree probably needs to come down, but it will change the whole backyard. The tree is probably 50 feet tall. The trunk is six foot or more in circumference. I suspect it will cost thousands to bring it down based on location. It sits right between three houses, enclosed by my privacy fence.
Can’t do anything until it quits raining.
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned,
“Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
“Ohhh my God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”
March 21, 2022
Saturday, the wife slept late then she messed around doing whatever she does. Finally around 1:30 I asked if she wanted lunch. She replied she wasn’t too hungry and since we were going out for dinner for my birthday, she was going to skip lunch. I wasn’t really hungry anyway, so I didn’t complain.
Just before five she told me I had to put on something besides a T-shirt and jeans. She had made a reservation. I whined, told her we couldn’t afford an expensive dinner. I lost, she said it was my sixtieth and that was cause for celebration.
We went to Harry and Izzy’s up on the north side. There I was surprised to find my daughter and son-in-law, my oldest granddaughter, and our best friends waiting! It was a great surprise. We had a great dinner.
After dinner, the boys had a further surprise for me . We piled in my buddy’s truck and drove a block down the street to Blend cigar bar. There, I was treated to a very nice stogie and a beer as a nightcap.
My wife in celebration of the evening gave me this hilarious statue of a monkey smoking a cigar:
It is about 6” tall and completely silly. But it will sit nice in my office. I probably won’t make it the background for the many Teams meetings we have at work though.
In all it was one of the best birthdays I have had, even though it was technically a day early.
March 20, 2022
Stuff I Did Not Know
March 19, 2022
Number one song in March 1962
March 18, 2022
After seeing the President in a couple of different press conferences and speeches this week I am wondering, does anybody feel comfortable that guy has his hands on the nuclear codes?
March 17, 2022
Short term memories of early Wednesday morning
March 16, 2022
A Serious Question
March 15, 2022
no title for this one
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, “What are you doing?”
She answers, “I’m moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.”
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going, he replies,
“I’m coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year”.
March 14, 2022
Get a haircut
Living in the past today. Here is your humble author, taken sometime when I was ten or maybe twelve. Maybe younger. I always looked young for my age. Until recently. Now I look old.
This would be the early to mid-seventies.
It’s not good, I zoomed in to cut out Mom and Dad and my brother, but you get the sense of boy-me. I think it was for the church directory, that’s why I’m wearing that spiffy clip-on bow tie.
|Yeah, I never smile for pictures. It steals your soul. Why would I be happy about that?|
March 13, 2022
i want my hour back
March 12, 2022
Not really in the mood for blogging today
The wife and I saw ole’ Hank back in the Eighties. It was at the old Holiday Star Theater in Merrillville, IN, up in Da Region. Some Internet research says he was there in March of 1986. It is possible that is the concert we attended. I might have related the tale, I’m getting old and repeat myself. No really, I repeat myself..
Hank wasn’t the best show I’ve seen. He was pretty wasted. He played only portions of his hits, getting half through a song then moving on when he stumbled over the lyrics. Towards the end they brought him a chair. He had a hard time sitting upright.
While not from that show, this was more like what I saw:
March 10, 2022
Russia, Russia, Russia
The warm weather over the weekend kicked Ma Nature into action. The maple out front is showing emerging leaves and the big willow is starting to look a little green on the long tendrils hanging towards the ground.
MS Nature must be ticked about that margarine, though. Snow and temps in the teens are slated for Friday and Saturday. Insert sigh. Speaking of cold weather, remember that coat that was lost in shipment I posted about a few weeks ago? Well I followed Big River in Brazil’s instructions and asked for a refund. The money showed back in my account a couple of days later. The order was marked “returned” and “delivery cancelled”. The coat arrived Monday. I tried to return it, but according to the company it has already been returned.
Speaking of messed up systems, does Biden really expect Americans to blame the Russians for the high cost of gas? I paid $4.25 last night. Before Biden took office we were net exporters of oil. It is Biden’s energy policies that had already driven pump prices north of $3.50 before the invasion of Ukraine. The last time gas breached $4? Under Biden’s mentor Obama. It is Democrat policies that drive up the cost of gas, not Russ descendants killing each other.
Obama blamed everything on Bush. Since 2016 the Democrats have blamed everything on the Russians. Maybe they should take responsibility for their bad policies?
Now go cough up $50 grand to buy a new electric car. You can use the extra money you are saving on groceries. Oh wait…
March 9, 2022
I is smart
My granddaughter did a report in school:
So, Ukraine is a country in Europe. It exists next to another country called Russia, Russia is a bigger country. Russia is a powerful country. Russia decided to invade a smaller country called Ukraine. So, basically, that’s wrong, and it goes against everything that we stand for.
Not bad for a first grader, you think?
Except those brilliant words aren’t from a first grader, rather from the Vice President of the United States.
That quote is so achingly stupid, it is worse than any mocking skits SNL ever did on Sarah Palin. Dan Quayle is reading that and saying “Boy, is she dumb”.
A close second most idiotic things I have read is the Secretary of Transportation telling us we can beat the high cost of gas if we just go out and buy a new electric car. Translated: “Let them eat cake”.
Does the administration understand that we can’t all just go buy a new car? That because they haven’t fixed the supply chain issues there are no new cars? That we don’t have the infrastructure to charge hundred of thousands of electric vehicles, even if we could find/afford them? That some people have driving needs that do not work for the limited range of electric vehicles? That if Biden and the Democrats would not have put policies in place we would still have plenty of cheap gas with enough left over to export — you know like we had a year ago?
Lefties are always telling me how dumb people in red states are. If this administration is an example of the Democrat brain trust, then I guess I’m the smartest guy in Mensa.
March 8, 2022
March 7, 2022
Man of the House
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.” He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
March 6, 2022
The dog ate my blog post
March 5, 2022
The sky is clearing and the night has cried enough
March 4, 2022
Back here at home there’s nothing to do
March 3, 2022
A teacher asked her class, what do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be, sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.