April 30, 2022
April 29, 2022
April 27, 2022
A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit
After a couple of days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.
The wolf turns to the moose and says
“Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It’s been a couple of days without food. You understand, right?”
The moose says
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I’ve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?”
The wolf says “Of course”
So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail.
Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.
The wolf is killed instantly.
The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says
“I don’t even know why the hell I looked. I can’t even read.”
April 26, 2022
One Sunday morning, an old lady headed to church late.
Because she couldn’t find her hearing aid.
As she was late and did not want to be noticed, she sat in the back, next to a teenager.
The pastor began his preaching.
To have an example of what he was preaching, he asked,
“Everyone who has committed the sin of adultery, stand up.”
The old lady was wondering why everybody went quiet suddenly and asked the teenager what pastor just said.
He answered that the pastor asked of people who wanted mints to stand up.
Our nice old lady stood up, without a care in the world.
The pastor was outraged, he demanded to know why she had stood up.
To that, the old lady responded,
“I may be old and toothless, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sucking one from time to time.”
April 25, 2022
John Kerry says if the natural gas industry doesn’t go carbon neutral in ten years he “will deploy alternative sources of energy.”. Source
Just what those sources are and why we would withhold them for ten years is the mystery of the day. I imagine it is the same energy source that will power our military. Can we suppose it is unicorn farts and fairy dust? Chim chim Cheri. Maybe Mary Poppins or Tinkerbell can help us out. Are all climateers insane?
On what authority this privileged knucklehead presumes to make decrees is another question. I suppose he thinks he has the authority since he once served in Vietnam.
I know this, we sure dodged a bullet when we refused to elect this blow-hard President.
April 24, 2022
I’m hurting. Not an emotional ache over bad people attacking Disney, that bothers me not, but physical pain. You name it - shoulder, back, legs. We took advantage of the nice weather to do
a little a bunch of yard work. The wife picked up sticks and pulled weeds while I started taking out a bush near the corner of the garage.
I cut off the limbs and when I got it down to a stump I dug around the root ball and started prying it up. The wife came to help dig and pry. You might remember I have a broken bone near the arch of my foot, so stomping on the shovel is not the easiest thing to do. Between us we got it out and the tap and spreader roots cut. We disposed of the bush and moved to the backyard.
A couple of years ago a decorative Japanese maple beside my patio was caught in a late freeze and partially died. I cut it down and put stump killer on it. Yeah, don’t waste your money on that stuff. We started in on that stump, digging away at the edges and cutting the roots. Amazingly, a tree maybe six feet tall with a trunk about four inches in diameter had massive roots. We are talking roots eight and nine inches in diameter! Not circumference, diameter. We cut, hacked, pried, chopped, and sawed that guy for most of the afternoon. We went through two sawzall blades. We broke the shovel handle. I swung the maul and axe so much my shoulder ached.
That’s what it seemed like. Except it was two old people working away. Eventually we won out, the stump and most of the roots were dug out, cut away, or pulled. It took most of the afternoon, but we won.
Next time I will rent a stump grinder. Who knew such a little tree had such deep roots? There is probably a metaphor there somewhere. I’m too tired to expound.
April 23, 2022
“I’m going to start the process where every vehicle in the United States military — every vehicle is going to be climate-friendly. Every vehicle. No, I mean it. We’re spending billions of dollars to do it,” Biden said. Source
April 22, 2022
April 21, 2022
A hunter went out to hunt for buffalo.
To help him, he hired an Indian Scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding a while, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says
“Humm, buffalo come.”
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the Indian,
“I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?”
The Indian replies,
Stop. I know you laughed.
April 19, 2022
April 18, 2022
April 17, 2022
April 16, 2022
April 14, 2022
Look, no one likes a snitch. If that is your MO, leave now. I’m serious, if you ever volunteered to be a hall monitor, you ever told on Tommy for goofing off when the substitute teacher was there, if you ever ran to Mom to tell on your sibling, I do not want you to read this post. I don’t need a fink around here.
April 13, 2022
James Bond walks into a bar.
He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.
He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
The intrigued women says “A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?”
Bond explains “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically”.
The lady says “Whats it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you are not wearing any panties.”
The women giggles and replies, “Well , it must be broken because I am wearing panties”
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says,”Bloody thing’s an hour fast”
April 12, 2022
April 10, 2022
April 9, 2022
April 7, 2022
April 6, 2022
April 4, 2022
I’m on my second cup of coffee. I just finished eating an apple danish. It is typical springtime weather. Blah, blah, blah.
Biden is driving our country into the ground. Kamala sounds like a cartoon character every time she opens her mouth. Inflation is raging and the only answer this administration has is to either blame the Russians or recommend we all go out and buy a $50,000 car to save $80 bucks a month. Even if we all had the best of credit a car payment on a fifty grand car would be around three hundred bucks minimum to save eighty dollars? Even this history major can calculate that math doesn’t add up. But the good news is we don’t have the Orange Man tweeting mean stuff.
I notice the liberals in my neighborhood who had the BLM and Biden/Harris signs in their front yards have scrapped the Biden stickers from their bumper. I wonder why? It cost me $80 bucks to fill up my car. Think that has anything to do with it?
April 3, 2022
April 2, 2022
The silence of the pre-dawn morning was broken only by the occasional car or truck passing on the snow-slick two-lane highway. A car slowed to a crawl as if closing in upon its prey. The rear end slid a little as the sedan skidded to a stop. The darkness was broken by the white flash of backup lights as the vehicle slowly backed up four dozen yards and turned into a narrow driveway. The sounds of a straining engine could be heard through the barely falling snow as the car lumbered through the mud and slush. The headlights bounced up and down and side to side in duplication of the rutted road. Snowflakes danced in the twin beams like chorus girls in the spotlight. Round and round they spun, climbing and falling to the ground in the wake of the slowly moving automobile.
The car coasted to a stop in front of a run-down farmhouse. The roof was partially caved in and the awning over the porch had long since been consumed as firewood. The glow of a cigarette could be vaguely seen through the frosted windows of the idling car. The engine cut out as the door opened. A short figure in a bulky overcoat climbed out of the dark vehicle. The cigarette arced a path through the darkness as it was flipped into the distance. The man looked to the east as the first rays of dawn began to spread their pink and orange fingers through the clouds of the night sky. It had stopped snowing. The man's breath made clouds around his head in the early morning cold.
The man huddled next to the car until the sun began to peak over the horizon. He opened his trousers and relieved himself on the left rear tire before clearing his throat and spitting in the direction of the vanished cigarette. He slowly made his way toward the house.
The man mounted the sagging steps, hesitated and ducked through the doorless entryway. The sun’s weak rays provided just enough light for the figure to navigate the littered hallway. He made his way to what was the front living room. The television set and VCR were strangely incongruous in the surroundings.
He started the gas-powered generator. Its sound filled the early morning air. The man involuntarily winced at the noise. He lit another Camel and turned on the TV. Static changed to a blue screen as the VCR powered on. The tape was over after three minutes. He poured steaming coffee from a large green Thermos and went to the corner to relieve himself yet again. He sat down and watched the tape twice more.
His assignment was clear. The Vice President of the United States was to attend the “Greatest Spectacle in Sports” – the Indianapolis 500 in just four and one half months hence. In May the Indianapolis 500 gets top attention in the papers: not this year. This year the Vice President would be assassinated while attending the race. The man in the bulky overcoat watched the film yet again. The man would go to Indianapolis tomorrow and begin laying the plan to kill the heir apparent to the Presidency.
He picked up all of his cigarette butts and placed them in his pocket. From his briefcase, he took a wad of plastic-like gel. He first stuck the plastique to the side of the generator and then added a detonator. He was seven miles away on the interstate when the farmhouse disintegrated into a ball of flame.