April 14, 2024

I don’t know

Every day I come here and crank out a post. It usually takes me anywhere from five to ten minutes to throw up my mediocre drivel. It always takes another five minutes to think of a title. I’m not kidding. 

Usually I use lyrics from whatever song I might post, but if it is straight prose, then I am stuck. I don’t know why it is such an issue.

That extends to my other writing endeavors as well. My first book is called Suburban Moon for absolutely no reason other than it came to me in a dream and I mentioned in these pages once that if I ever write a novel that would be the title. Otherwise, it has nothing to do with the story. 

Sure, I could throw up some English Major gobbledygook about how the main character went through phases and changes like the moon, but we both know that is pure college crap.

The working title of my next book, should I ever get it done, is Tales of the Wooden Pineapple. Not only is it stupid and trite, it has nothing to do with the story. And no, I doubt it will be the final title. I just can’t think of anything better. Ben Hur, Gone With the Wind, and Harry Potter are all used by lessor authors. 

Yes that is sarcasm. 

Maybe when I’m done I will give a synopsis and have a contest to come up with a title. All fifteen of you can offer a suggestion. “Expensive Toilet Paper” is not a valid offering. I’ll put the winners name, if I choose one of your titles, in the acknowledgments. You can see your name in print and at least five people might read it! You will live forever. 

Seems like a plan, unless a title comes to me in my dreams.

April 13, 2024

Take a look at my life

It is a fine Saturday. We are off in a bit to attend the youngest granddaughter’s first soccer game of the season. Watching a bunch of four and five year olds run haphazardly around the grass is the only thing that makes soccer palatable. 

There I said it. Soccer is barely ahead of golf, bowling, and competitive napping as the most boring sports ever to watch. If you disagree you are obviously very wrong. 

We are going to hang out with some friends this evening. Dinner somewhere followed by an evening of euchre and laughs are scheduled. 

Our fortieth anniversary is coming up in a couple of months. The wife is making plans for a big vacation of some sort. I set the expectations too high when I took her to Hawaii for our thirtieth. I’ve explained to her that vacation was possible through lots of frequent flier miles and hotel points, neither of which I accumulate at an astonishing rate any longer. My days of spending three or four nights a week in a hotel or flying thirty or forty times a year (or more) are in the past. 

Anyway she wants to do something fun beyond a week in a timeshare rental or a hotel at the beach. Me too. All it takes is money. And a valid passport. I have one. She doesn’t. Maybe I’ll go by myself. 

Anyway, she is thinking about a cruise. I said that would be great if we can find one in our budget. We’ve been on three cruises and enjoyed every one of them. Within an hour she found five possible trips. 

I think I got sandbagged. 

April 12, 2024

My neighbor is building a giant ark, should I worry?

It’s a Friday two-fer today to celebrate the seemingly unending rainfall. But first, I wish I felt bad about OJ kicking the bucket. I don’t. I’m certain he will be judged appropriately in the hereafter. 


I suppose you have to be of a certain age to appreciate that one.

On to the Friday Music:


And





April 11, 2024

It is not just Dollar General , Target steals from their customers too

 

Exhibit One for the prosecution is right here.

There was a big sign on the shelf at Target last night indicating Coke products were buy one, get one half off. Regular price was $7.99. You could mix and match.

If my history major math is right, the total cost should be $11.99 for two 12 packs. If you take a 25% deduction from each, then each would be $5.99. Pretty much the same price for two. I won’t quibble over a penny or two. How does Target determine the price is $6.30 (or $6.31)? And why are they different?

Lest you think I was mistaken about the sale price, take a look at the receipt. It indicates the price was $7.99 and “Buy 1 get 1 50%”. When we rang up the 12-pack, the wife checked the screen and it rang up at $5.99 each. Then magically, when we totaled to check out, the price changed to $6.31 each. We did not discover this until we got home.  And yes, the wife entered her frequent shopper card so that was not why we were cheated. Also, sales tax was collected at the end so that does not account for the discrepancy.

In addition, two more items rang up higher than the shelf price. 

Sure, the price gouge on the Cokes was only about sixty cents, but it is the principal. The wrong shelf price can be checked to bad employees or incorrect pricing in the system (still inexcusable) but the change in price on the Coke products is deliberate. Target Stores stole from me. 

If I took a five finger discount on a candy bar they would be in their right to hold me responsible, including prosecution. Why is this different?

If anyone can explain why I am wrong I will be happy to apologize.

April 10, 2024

All the good things in life

My youngest granddaughter, who will be five on her birthday next month, loves to play hide and seek. In one variation she plays, she hides various toys and then I have to find them. The next round I hide the toys for her to seek. Hunting always involves her using the mini Maglight she takes from my desk drawer. 

I don’t know, those are the rules. 

Yesterday she asked me to play and I told her I had to work, but she could play Barbie’s in the office. She grabbed the flashlight and started hiding stuff. I reminded her I could not play. 

She said “It’s okay, Paw, I close my eyes when I hide the toys.” And I checked. She did. 

It was so cute and hilarious I gave in and played for a few minutes. Don’t tell my boss.

April 9, 2024

Worth it

 I survived the big eclipse. I have to say it was most awesome here in the center of the path of totality. It was like a 360• sunset. Not full on dark, but a deep twilight. A couple of planets could be seen in the sky. The birds shut their pieholes for a few minutes. The wife and I sat in lawn chairs in the driveway and watched. We were lucky the sky was clear and we had a great view. 


April 8, 2024

I don’t even have jet off to Nova Scotia to see it

Today is the Big Day. They (the all powerful mysterious “they”) have been hyping the big total eclipse for a year. We are slated to hit total darkness around 3 pm local. I have a regularly scheduled conference call with my boss at that time. I’m trying to decide if it would be unprofessional to ask to change the meeting to see semi or total darkness?

The eclipse will likely be the most thrilling three minutes I have experienced since the last time I had sex. I don’t want to miss it.

If you think I’m going to post that atrocious Bonnie Tyler song since it is eclipse day you are at the wrong blog. It is not going to happen. The closest you will get to a musical reference is in the title of this post. I don’t care for that song either.

I am glad the eclipse hype will be in the rear view mirror after today. Local kids even got a snow eclipse day off school today. 

An eclipse happens about 250 times a year. It is not an unknown phenomenon. Based on the hype you would think we were ignorant savages straight out of a cave in the woods. Authorities are recommending we carry water, food, and blankets in our cars. They recommend we fill up our gas tanks. WTH? It is an eclipse, not Y2K!

One report warned to keep your dogs in the house lest they stare at the event and go blind. Seriously? When is the last time you caught your black lab staring at the sun or admiring a particular cloud formation? How about never. I think your pet is safe. “Yo, Rover, that cloud looks just like a whale.” “Sure does Spot, But I think my eyes burn from watching the moon move in front of the Sun. Hey, does my ass smell funny?”

Happy eclipse day if you live, like I do, in the path of totality. Jeez I hope it is a while before I have to hear that phrase again. 

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