May 23, 2022
May 21, 2022
May 20, 2022
Friday. Windy. Warm. There, we have the weather covered.
Biden has exactly the gas prices he wants to force you to quit driving a big SUV and cough up cash for an EV, whether you want it or not. Plus, it makes alternative fuels more cost competitive. Think I’m wrong? The administration will not even concede gas is too high. Look at the gas price chart in the linked article. Funny how those highs mostly coincide with Democrats in the Oval Office, particularly the record high costs.
Think inflation is flattering your wallet now? Wait until record high diesel fuel costs get rolled into every good shipped in the US. Grocery prices will really skyrocket, providing you can find your favorite meat, frozen food, canned good, or produce on the shelf.
Funny how my liberal commenters have gone all cricket chirps these days. It is hard to tell me I’m wrong when the empirical evidence is slapping you in the face every time you pull into your local gas pump and grocery.
On to more amusing stuff. This was stuck in m head this morning. Ready Steve? Andy? Mic? Let’s goooo!
May 19, 2022
I’m back in God’s Favorite State. It was a very good business trip this week, but I’m tired. Yesterday we left the hotel just after 7:30 AM. I walked in my front door at 1:23 AM this morning. If my math is right that is around an 18 hour day that included the unpleasantness that is flying and airports these days. The only saving grace is the late flight was not full and the middle seat next to me was open. To round out the experience was a conference call at 8AM this morning. Yay, me.
I always point to weeks like this when people say they wish they had a job like mine.
Don’t let me fool you. I like my job. I like travel. I like the life on the road. Just never confuse vacation travel with business travel.
Gas was $5.09 in Maryland. Thanks Brandon. We are pushing Jimmah Carter levels of inflation, but at least we don’t have mean tweets. Experts predict $6 gas by Independence Day. That is more than double the price before Biden became President. Obama blamed everything on Bush. Biden blames it all on Putin. Seems like things go to crap when we have a Democrat in charge. I think I know who to blame, even if the President doesn’t.
While I’m giving Democrats their deserved bashing, how do all of you who propagated the lie that Georgia’s voting law was “Jim Crow on steroids” explain how more people in Georgia are early voting than ever? Yes, I know, no mean tweets.
I’m sorry I don’t have any amusing stories or anecdotes from this trip. It was all pretty routine this time. That is a good thing.
May 17, 2022
Hola, I haven’t forgotten you. I am back on the road for the first time in a while and busy is the word. I had a hard time connecting to the internet from the hotel last night and a late business dinner this evening.
I can mark a new city off my list. I do not think I have been to Baltimore previously, other than the airport BWI to connect. Now I can say I have. I’ve seen nothing that makes me say “Wow”, nor has it been unpleasant. I have also been calling on really Big Customer pit in the suburbs, so...
We had a busy day of meetings today and more tomorrow. I have a very late flight home, so I’ll be looking at a 16 or 17 hour day tomorrow that follows today’s 13 hour day and yesterday’s 14 hour day. I know Thursday will be full of already scheduled conference calls, so maybe I’ll knock off early Friday afternoon.
Man, I bet you are thrilled you stopped by to read this.
May 16, 2022
May 15, 2022
May 14, 2022
Last night after supper I moseyed out to the patio to enjoy the warm spring evening. I lit a cigar and turned on some music. I had an unopened book on my lap. Robins flew from branch to ground to branch in a flurry of activity. A bunny shot across the yard to hide behind the hostas. The crab apples were in blossom and I could just make out the scent of the-just-starting-to-bloom lilacs behind me.
Jet contrails etched the sky as I tried out my new Monkey ashtray I bought last month because it was cheap and amusing. As classic rock played in the background, my worries and cares drifted into the evening sky with the smoke from the stogie. I was content for the first time in a long while. I offered a silent prayer of thanks.
May 12, 2022
A Day at the Beach
He gasped as he stepped into the surf. He knew the Atlantic was cold, but the chill surprised him every time. The waves were a little higher this time. The ebb tide had turned and high tide was again on the make. His friend and their kid had gone with his son to the outer sand bank about 50 yards offshore where the waves broke just a little bigger. There they could feel the waves crash into their bodies and take turns riding the boogie board on top of the waves for 15 yards or so.
He had made the trip out twice earlier in the afternoon. He could wade out about 30 or 40 feet then he had to swim out to the sand bank where the water was waist deep at best. He had promised his son one more trip out through the surf. When the time came, he begged off. The sun and day at the beach coupled with the two previous swims in the cold ocean to the sand bar had taken their toll; the man was tired. His friend said he would go and with his larger teen aged daughter and the man's small teen aged son they set out, calling him as wuss. The man's wife heckled him to go, reminding him he had promised his son. The man got to his feet with a sigh and followed the three into the surf.
At the sand bar the waves hit with more power than before, coming quicker and stronger with the growing tide. The water was not so cold once you got used to it he remarked. Soon the tide made it time to go in. The water level at the sandbar was now at the man's chest level as opposed to barely waist level a few hours earlier.
The man and his son started back. The son was an OK swimmer so he paddled on top of the boogie board. The man waded along for a few steps then was forced to swim. He would climb the swell with a strong breast stroke. He was forced to stop and tread water to stay with his son. The waves were growing larger. It took more effort to climb to the top of each succeeding wave. The waves came quicker and he urged his son to paddle faster. A wave broke over his head. He saw a large wave coming and swam to the top. In the valley he could feel the pull backward, he swam forward and moved only a few feet against the current. The pattern repeated. Now the swim to shore was fifty or sixty yards as opposed to the thirty before.
He urged his son to go quicker, a little panic creeping into his mind. His friends were far behind him. He swam to the top of another wave, his arms and legs beginning to feel heavy. Again he urged his son to hurry. He was smothered in the swell again, this time he swallowed the salty seawater. His arms and legs felt like lead. He could not swim another stroke. He tread water for a minute to see his son, now 10 yards behind him. Another wave. "Come on" he shouted. Another wave. Always a good swimmer, he could not believe he was struggling like this. Another wave. His legs would not move. Oh God, he thought, I am not going to make it. Another wave. The shore was too far. Another wave. He went under again. He tried to swim, but his arms would not work. Another wave. He rolled to his back, knowing if he could just rest a moment he would be fine. Another wave. He swallowed even more water. He called to his son to hurry, maybe he could rest on the board for a moment and catch his breath. Another wave. His son saw the worry on his dad's face and mistook it. He shouted back he was fine. Another wave.
The man drew on every bit of strength he could find and swam a few yards before he was pounded down by another wave, he was closer. He wife began running into the surf, she could see he was foundering. His friend told his daughter to hurry and they sped forward. The man could not move his arms. He went under to see if he could stand up yet, the bottom still was beyond his reach, maybe an inch -- maybe by feet. The effort to climb to the top of the swell was all he could muster. Another wave. He turned to look at his son, concerned he was OK. The boy was dog paddling with ease over the swell. Another wave. The man went under. Pure panic set in, but he could not move his exhausted limbs. He felt sorry for his family, he was embarrassed, he fought again, but the energy was gone. Another wave. He struggled, he thought his tired lungs would burst. Another wave.
He at last felt the bottom and was enveloped by a warm glow the likes of which he never felt before. He was calm, he was peaceful. He felt another wave crash over him. He was no longer tired. Another wave pushed his lifeless body toward the shore, just a few yards away.
May 11, 2022
Here is an old one I published back in 2008:
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" Peggy Sue's
mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"
"Yes," says Peggy Sues mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost with breathless anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The Twist!"
May 10, 2022
May 9, 2022
May 8, 2022
May 6, 2022
May 5, 2022
‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
May 4, 2022
May 3, 2022
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to
his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.”
His wife looked a little puzzled but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start.”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer before it starts.”
“That’s it!” She blows her top, “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”
The husband sighed.
May 2, 2022
May 1, 2022
April 30, 2022
April 29, 2022
April 27, 2022
A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit
After a couple of days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.
The wolf turns to the moose and says
“Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It’s been a couple of days without food. You understand, right?”
The moose says
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I’ve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?”
The wolf says “Of course”
So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail.
Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.
The wolf is killed instantly.
The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says
“I don’t even know why the hell I looked. I can’t even read.”
April 26, 2022
One Sunday morning, an old lady headed to church late.
Because she couldn’t find her hearing aid.
As she was late and did not want to be noticed, she sat in the back, next to a teenager.
The pastor began his preaching.
To have an example of what he was preaching, he asked,
“Everyone who has committed the sin of adultery, stand up.”
The old lady was wondering why everybody went quiet suddenly and asked the teenager what pastor just said.
He answered that the pastor asked of people who wanted mints to stand up.
Our nice old lady stood up, without a care in the world.
The pastor was outraged, he demanded to know why she had stood up.
To that, the old lady responded,
“I may be old and toothless, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sucking one from time to time.”
April 25, 2022
John Kerry says if the natural gas industry doesn’t go carbon neutral in ten years he “will deploy alternative sources of energy.”. Source
Just what those sources are and why we would withhold them for ten years is the mystery of the day. I imagine it is the same energy source that will power our military. Can we suppose it is unicorn farts and fairy dust? Chim chim Cheri. Maybe Mary Poppins or Tinkerbell can help us out. Are all climateers insane?
On what authority this privileged knucklehead presumes to make decrees is another question. I suppose he thinks he has the authority since he once served in Vietnam.
I know this, we sure dodged a bullet when we refused to elect this blow-hard President.
April 24, 2022
I’m hurting. Not an emotional ache over bad people attacking Disney, that bothers me not, but physical pain. You name it - shoulder, back, legs. We took advantage of the nice weather to do
a little a bunch of yard work. The wife picked up sticks and pulled weeds while I started taking out a bush near the corner of the garage.
I cut off the limbs and when I got it down to a stump I dug around the root ball and started prying it up. The wife came to help dig and pry. You might remember I have a broken bone near the arch of my foot, so stomping on the shovel is not the easiest thing to do. Between us we got it out and the tap and spreader roots cut. We disposed of the bush and moved to the backyard.
A couple of years ago a decorative Japanese maple beside my patio was caught in a late freeze and partially died. I cut it down and put stump killer on it. Yeah, don’t waste your money on that stuff. We started in on that stump, digging away at the edges and cutting the roots. Amazingly, a tree maybe six feet tall with a trunk about four inches in diameter had massive roots. We are talking roots eight and nine inches in diameter! Not circumference, diameter. We cut, hacked, pried, chopped, and sawed that guy for most of the afternoon. We went through two sawzall blades. We broke the shovel handle. I swung the maul and axe so much my shoulder ached.
That’s what it seemed like. Except it was two old people working away. Eventually we won out, the stump and most of the roots were dug out, cut away, or pulled. It took most of the afternoon, but we won.
Next time I will rent a stump grinder. Who knew such a little tree had such deep roots? There is probably a metaphor there somewhere. I’m too tired to expound.
April 23, 2022
“I’m going to start the process where every vehicle in the United States military — every vehicle is going to be climate-friendly. Every vehicle. No, I mean it. We’re spending billions of dollars to do it,” Biden said. Source
April 22, 2022
April 21, 2022
A hunter went out to hunt for buffalo.
To help him, he hired an Indian Scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding a while, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says
“Humm, buffalo come.”
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the Indian,
“I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?”
The Indian replies,
Stop. I know you laughed.
April 19, 2022
April 18, 2022
April 17, 2022
April 16, 2022
April 14, 2022
Look, no one likes a snitch. If that is your MO, leave now. I’m serious, if you ever volunteered to be a hall monitor, you ever told on Tommy for goofing off when the substitute teacher was there, if you ever ran to Mom to tell on your sibling, I do not want you to read this post. I don’t need a fink around here.
April 13, 2022
James Bond walks into a bar.
He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.
He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
The intrigued women says “A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?”
Bond explains “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically”.
The lady says “Whats it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you are not wearing any panties.”
The women giggles and replies, “Well , it must be broken because I am wearing panties”
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says,”Bloody thing’s an hour fast”
April 12, 2022
April 10, 2022
April 9, 2022
April 7, 2022
April 6, 2022
April 4, 2022
I’m on my second cup of coffee. I just finished eating an apple danish. It is typical springtime weather. Blah, blah, blah.
Biden is driving our country into the ground. Kamala sounds like a cartoon character every time she opens her mouth. Inflation is raging and the only answer this administration has is to either blame the Russians or recommend we all go out and buy a $50,000 car to save $80 bucks a month. Even if we all had the best of credit a car payment on a fifty grand car would be around three hundred bucks minimum to save eighty dollars? Even this history major can calculate that math doesn’t add up. But the good news is we don’t have the Orange Man tweeting mean stuff.
I notice the liberals in my neighborhood who had the BLM and Biden/Harris signs in their front yards have scrapped the Biden stickers from their bumper. I wonder why? It cost me $80 bucks to fill up my car. Think that has anything to do with it?
April 3, 2022
April 2, 2022
The silence of the pre-dawn morning was broken only by the occasional car or truck passing on the snow-slick two-lane highway. A car slowed to a crawl as if closing in upon its prey. The rear end slid a little as the sedan skidded to a stop. The darkness was broken by the white flash of backup lights as the vehicle slowly backed up four dozen yards and turned into a narrow driveway. The sounds of a straining engine could be heard through the barely falling snow as the car lumbered through the mud and slush. The headlights bounced up and down and side to side in duplication of the rutted road. Snowflakes danced in the twin beams like chorus girls in the spotlight. Round and round they spun, climbing and falling to the ground in the wake of the slowly moving automobile.
The car coasted to a stop in front of a run-down farmhouse. The roof was partially caved in and the awning over the porch had long since been consumed as firewood. The glow of a cigarette could be vaguely seen through the frosted windows of the idling car. The engine cut out as the door opened. A short figure in a bulky overcoat climbed out of the dark vehicle. The cigarette arced a path through the darkness as it was flipped into the distance. The man looked to the east as the first rays of dawn began to spread their pink and orange fingers through the clouds of the night sky. It had stopped snowing. The man's breath made clouds around his head in the early morning cold.
The man huddled next to the car until the sun began to peak over the horizon. He opened his trousers and relieved himself on the left rear tire before clearing his throat and spitting in the direction of the vanished cigarette. He slowly made his way toward the house.
The man mounted the sagging steps, hesitated and ducked through the doorless entryway. The sun’s weak rays provided just enough light for the figure to navigate the littered hallway. He made his way to what was the front living room. The television set and VCR were strangely incongruous in the surroundings.
He started the gas-powered generator. Its sound filled the early morning air. The man involuntarily winced at the noise. He lit another Camel and turned on the TV. Static changed to a blue screen as the VCR powered on. The tape was over after three minutes. He poured steaming coffee from a large green Thermos and went to the corner to relieve himself yet again. He sat down and watched the tape twice more.
His assignment was clear. The Vice President of the United States was to attend the “Greatest Spectacle in Sports” – the Indianapolis 500 in just four and one half months hence. In May the Indianapolis 500 gets top attention in the papers: not this year. This year the Vice President would be assassinated while attending the race. The man in the bulky overcoat watched the film yet again. The man would go to Indianapolis tomorrow and begin laying the plan to kill the heir apparent to the Presidency.
He picked up all of his cigarette butts and placed them in his pocket. From his briefcase, he took a wad of plastic-like gel. He first stuck the plastique to the side of the generator and then added a detonator. He was seven miles away on the interstate when the farmhouse disintegrated into a ball of flame.