November 30, 2022
November 29, 2022
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist’s office.
Martin says to the dentist,
“Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my carwaiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”
So the dentist asks Martin, “Which tooth is it sir?”
Martin turned to his wife and said,
“Open your mouth and show him dear…….”
November 27, 2022
Two little old ladies, Connie, and Jean, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.The short one, Jean, leaned over and said, “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show”!
“You’re on!” said Connie, holding up a $10 bill.
So, Jean slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes.
She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.
Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Jean came through the exit door to the sounds of a cheering, clapping crowd.
“What happened?” asked Connie.
“I won $1,000 as 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement’!”
November 26, 2022
I slept in this morning. I’m a tad late to the old blog. This demonstrates the freshness of the prose. No canned post for you today.
Don’t you feel special?
I put up the outside lights Wednesday afternoon. I plugged in every string to make sure they worked before hanging them on the roofline. When I turned them on after I was done, one section was out. I might have muttered curse words under my breath. Of course, the recalcitrant section was in the middle, right over my front door, so it was glaringly obvious. We went after dinner Wednesday night to find another set.
Yesterday, I replaced the bad set of lights. After we went to the cemetery for my grandson’s birthday we came home and started working on the inside decorations. We put lighted garland up the stairs. And I helped the wife with some other stuff. She decorates the whole house into a Christmas wonderland straight out of a set for a Hallmark movie.
It is now Saturday and we will probably do more decorating and cleaning today. I don’t mind, anything is better than raking the mass of leaves in the backyard.
In the spirit of things:
November 24, 2022
November 23, 2022
No hump day for me this week. My work week ended yesterday with an evening conference call to China. I’m off work until Monday!
That just means I’m off paid work. I still have work to do here. The Christmas stuff has to be drug from the attic. I will put up the outside lights today. I will help the wife do the inside. We have to wrap lighted garland up the stairway, put up another tree, and clean in general.
Tomorrow I have to make several side dishes to take to my daughter’s for the thanksgiving feast. She is having 15 or 16 people for dinner. I couldn’t get that many people in my house. It occurs to me, as the lyric from the title song to this post run through my head, that I do, indeed have to go over the river and through a woods (albeit a sparse one) to get to thanksgiving dinner. I won’t be going to grandmother’s house, but rather to granddaughter’s house and that fits the tune as well.
If the rain holds off I have a backyard full of leaves to rake at some point.
It will be nice to be off work.
Now, some sad news. Since Thursday is Thanksgiving, I will not be posting a theme song Thursday feature. I know. Your sad face says it all. Be brave.
Enjoy your day.
November 22, 2022
I am not the smartest man in the world. No one would ever accuse me of being romantic. There will never be a Hallmark movie based on my life. When it comes to gift giving I rely heavily on the wife telling me specifically what to get her.
I have been married for nearly forty years and I know one thing, do not pay attention to this ad in the Sharper image catalog, I do not care if it is on the “Gifts for her” page:
|Click to embggen|
Let me zoom in:
November 21, 2022
A woman was driving through the countryside late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the road, she came to an old farmhouse. Two men came out.
“Can we help ya, miss?”
“Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?”
“The town’s all shut up right now, but we can take you in the morning. You can spend the night with us.”
The woman thought: “Well, I really don’t have a choice. Besides, I can handle myself.” So she agreed.
“You know, miss, we’ve only got one bed in this house, so you’ll have to sleep with us…”
The woman thought to herself that she liked the look of these two country boys, and consented to sleep with them.
As they were taking their clothes off, the woman said, “By the way, you DO have protection, don’t you?”
“Protection? What’s that?”
“You know, condoms.”
“Well, what’re they for?”
“It’s so I don’t get pregnant.”
“We’re simple country folk, miss. I’m afraid we don’t know about those things.”
“Well, it just so happens that I have two here in my purse. Here, put them on.”
“Hmm… well, alright,” they said.
The three of them got into bed and did their thing all night. The next morning, the brothers drove the woman into town, where she got her car repaired, blew them a kiss, and drove off.
About a month later, the two brothers were sitting out on their porch watching the sun set, looking sweaty and uncomfortable. Suddenly, one of them turns to the other and says “Ed, do you remember that lady that drove through here about a month ago?”
She was real good, wasn’t she?”
Say, do you really care if she gets pregnant?”
“Well, then, let’s take these darn things off!”
November 20, 2022
November 19, 2022
November 18, 2022
November 17, 2022
November 16, 2022
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,
‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.
The elderly lady hung her head.
‘I have to tell you the truth,’
‘his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old a$shole what his name is.’
November 15, 2022
November 14, 2022
November 12, 2022
Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone’s yard.
The driver says,
“That is great. My wife and I do that every night.”
The passenger replies,
“My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”
The driver says,
“Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set.”
The next morning they’re cruising along and the driver asks,
“How was it?”
The passenger answers,
“It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks.”
The driver looks at him funny and says,
The passenger says,
“Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!”
November 11, 2022
Happy Veterans Day. Thank you to everyone who put on the uniform to keep America safe.
We’ve had a great couple of days, weather-wise. I briefly considered putting up the outside Christmas lights yesterday. but it is just too early. Still, it would have been pleasant to put up lights in seventy degree weather as opposed to forty degrees. Now things are going to return to seasonal coolness. There may even be a few flurries this weekend. I’m going to regret not doing the decorating when it was warm.
I’m going to put our vacuum cleaner up for sale. It is gathering dust.
Yes, I went there. Shaddup, you will repeat it.
I’ve been growing a beard for the past 11 days. There’s plenty of salt and a little pepper. Alright, it is pretty much all gray and white. I suppose I look like George Clooney, without his good looks or sex appeal. The wife says it makes me look really old. I think she is right. My face looks strange every time I look in the mirror. I last grew a beard back in the early eighties, in my college years. At that time I just grew an Abe Lincoln affair, no mustache. I’m certain no pictures survive. This time I’m doing it all. I think My last beard lasted a couple of months. I doubt this one lasts as long. I forgot what a pain it is to keep it trimmed. Besides, the wife hates it.
Enjoy your Friday.
November 10, 2022
November 9, 2022
November 8, 2022
November 7, 2022
After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria,
The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady.
One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked,
“Did your folks ever get married?”
“Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on.
“How about you?”
“They never bothered,” answered the first young man.
“That’s nothing,” interrupted the third,
“my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.”
The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly.
“Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?”
November 5, 2022
I have started working again on a very old story. I first published this in several installments back in May 2011. You can go peruse the archives if you want more. It is very rough, and I wrote it entirely from stream of conciousness. I have not even corrected the grammar or spelling.
May 11, 2011
I stare at the paper plate full of rubbery Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. It is the sauce kind, not the skinny powder stuff. Nothing but the best for me! I am a little surprised to find myself eating. Usually, I drink my lunch. I feel a little sick.
Typical. The sick part anyway. The food -- not so much.
The clock on the wall ticks an even staccato but the hands do not move. The battery has just enough juice to drive the little motor: tick, tick, tick, but not enough power to move the hands from a perpetual 9:23. AM, PM it does not really matter. Eventually it will tell the correct time.
I don't remember fixing the food. I have eaten some of it. An unnatural yellow smear marks the spot I scooped the pasta with my fork. The fork is clenched tightly in my right fist. Kraft cheese sauce coats my tongue. I give a little shudder and bile backs up in my mouth. I swallow it back down.
Real men don't puke. Even I have standards.
I see a bottle of beer on the table. There is also a glass of water and a bottle of Tylenol next to it. I am more than a little confused. Alcohol weeds choke my brain.
I lift my chin from my chest. I must have blacked out for a minute. The fork is in my lap. The macaroni mocks me. The light is dim. Four of the six bulbs in the light over the table are burned out. The blinds are firmly closed. I do not know if it is day or night. I feel like I am swaying in my chair. I reach for the beer, but it is just beyond my grasp.
"Not until you eat". I squeeze my eyes shut for a second and then search for the body that goes with the voice. I don't want beer anyway. I know that voice.
I am in that half-drunk half hungover state I deplore. Dee- plore. The word rattles around my throbbing skull. I try it out loud. "Deplore". I screw my eyebrows into what my mind thinks is a haughty sneer. I imagine my nose is a thin blade above an Errol Flynn mustache. I purse my lips and try it again. "Deplore". The effort hurts.
"What did you say, Daddy?"
My little girl is here. I don't want her to see me like this. I gag and and dry heave a little trying to stifle it. I really do not want her to see me like this. Little girls should not see their parents all weak and helpless and pathetic. I am so ashamed.
Of course, she is not a little girl anymore. She has a house and family of her own. Me, I just have my place and a collection of empty liquor bottles thrown at the general direction of the trash can. I push the joystick on my chair. Nothing happens.
"I unhooked the battery." she says.
I tell her I need a real drink. She just stares me down. I tell her I have to piss. She tells me to eat.
I try to take one more bite of the Kraft Dinner. I throw it up down the front of my faded gray Cubs T-shirt. I want to cuss and swear.
Instead, I cry.
I close my eyes to stifle the tears. I see an image in my brain. A tall cool glass with fruit and an umbrella. A beach drink. I breath deeply. I can almost taste the rum and juice and froth. I wish I had one in my hand now, only without the umbrella and fruit and juice and rum. A tall glass of sweet whiskey screams my name. I want it. I need it. Desire. I try that word out loud too.
Desire and deplore. The cycle of my life.
November 4, 2022
November 3, 2022
Peter Gunn was a Private Eye series that ran from 1958-1961first on NBC then on ABC. It was created by Blake Edwards and starred Craig Stephens. I can say I have never watched an episode. But I can state that the series had one terrific theme song. Written by a Henry Mancini (who often teamed up with Edwards), it is a Jazz and blues staple.