November 30, 2006

Breaking News.

Former Senate Leader Bill Frist says he is not running for President. Neither am I, since our chances of winning are roughly the same -- ZERO.

Post Number One -- Starting Over

A few weeks ago I made up my mind that when I hit 1,000 posts I was done with this blog. I even had it all planned. Number 999 would be a reprint of my first entry and I would title the entry "My First" and number 1000 would be titled "My Last". Always the drama queen, am I. Stick with me here, this is not going to be the "poor me" post I drop in every few weeks.

You see, I thought this blog was not going anywhere. My writing skills were not getting better, my entries were becoming increasingly lame. I just could not get over the hump, readership was a steady 60-70 per day, never growing. Links stayed steady as well. I saw blogs that had far fewer posts, and in my opinion drastically inferior content were way more popular. I was jealous and angry. I firmly believed that if you build it they will come. They weren't and I was sulking.

All my life I have been an Average Joe. In high school I would have been voted most forgettable. I never was with the "in crowd" yet I was not shunned by them. I could talk with the "hoods" and even occasionally hung out with the "party guys". I was not a great athlete, nor was I the fat guy bringing up the rear in the Phys Ed runs. Not good looking, but not a pimple faced ogre either. Incredibly average. I am the same in life: married, kids, job, debt, taxes.

Here I was in the blog world, I do not belong to a certain group, yet I am acknowledged by many different blog "circles". I felt I was like generic shampoo, wash, rinse repeat. There I was looking for a pity party, Poor me, no one notices me.

I could not bring myself to end it. Hey, we all want to be liked. I enjoy this hobby. But to be honest, I amuse the Hell out of me. Ain't that what it is all about? So what if people who never post have a higher ecosystem rating? Is that really how I measure my worth? I have some great readers who visit every day. There are plenty of bloggers who would be pleased to get 70 hits a day.

Then today, I read an entry that really speaks to me, not just in relation to blogging, but my life in general.Eric at SWG provided the perspective I was sorely needing:
I’ve heard it said before that life is full of disappointments…. I call bullshit on that one…. Life is full of whatever you put into it…. disappointments are a product of a selfish mind…… … don’t wish for too much… wish for just enough…. And when you don’t get that little bit of “just enough”, shake your head, smile, and say towards heaven….. “maybe tomorrow”…..… because otherwise, you are going to be one miserable son-of-a-bitch…..

I do not know what inner voice prompted that fine bit of wordsmithing. I do know that God works in mysterious ways, and that prose spoke to me. Here we are in the midst of the Season of Happiness, and I was pouting, looking for reasons to complain or be angry. All told, my blessings far outway my problems. Like Bing sings in my favorite movie, "I have plenty to be Thankful for..."

What does this long rambling post have to do with anything? Well, you will continue to see my poorly composed drivel. Just not next week. Stop in, peruse, comments are welcome. Link if you want. Or don't -- me and Gloria Gaynor will survive. Read between the lines, this post is not about blogging. It is about life, and a sad comment on how I have been living it. That, my friends, is going to change.

Thanks, Eric, for a much needed reality check.

November 29, 2006

I want to be a lion tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is an older retired navy chief petty officer in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous young blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her, and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired chief and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old chief replies, "Sure,no problem, just get that damned lion out of the way."

This was my 1,000th post. I bet you thought you would get something with a little more substance, huh?

Alert Alert

Have you tried the cinnamon roll flavor Pop Tarts? Holy crap, they are good.

Stupid Commercials

I have posted often about my disdain for the Travelocity Gnome commercials. The series that gives purported "travel truths" especially annoys me. The first instance busts a popular travel myth, the second myth is proven true by the gnome. What kind of message does this send to the unwary consumer? To me it says the gnome is a fucking liar and I should not trust Travelocity. What do you get from the commercial?

Now I have a new hated ad. Do you have Osterman Jewelry in your area? I think they are a national chain. In the spot that chaps my ass, a girl is describing her fiance's method of surprising her with the engagement ring. He put it in the microwave. She gushes that she "almost cooked it". I am not sure why this pisses me off so much, but every microwave I have ever seen you have to open the door to insert the dish to be nuked. Didn't this dumb gash see the little box? What did she do, say top herself as she shut the door, "I wonder what that little box was?" Did she reconsider as she pushed the key pad to set the time and temperature? Of course the whole thing is a petty lie, and she pisses me off because no one is so dumb they almost "cooked" a ring unless they are a stupid wench. The actress should have refused the work on general principal -- the ad is stupid and senseless.

The other one that set me off today also belongs to a Jeweler, the Shane Company. The moron that intones the ads is lame and boring, but today I swear he said gogleing (rhymes with the 'o' in bottle) instead of googleing (as in 'booty'). Maybe I heard it wrong, so I will not go further until I hear the ad again. Have you heard that one?

Finally, I am rocked to the core, first Jessica Simpson broke up with her husband. Then I hear Brittany Spears texted a break up with her man. Now, the most shocking and unexpected news" Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have called it quits. Man, I thought that one was made in Heaven...

What Ho, didja miss me?

I am back from a quick trip to the Quad Cities. Work sometimes gets in the way of my hobbies. The trip was boring and uneventful. Such is life. This time of year is tough, no one wants a visit from a pesky salesman. I should just take off from Thanksgiving through the second week of January. Some customers are trying to finish up year-end projects, others are just looking to get through the Holidays. So little real work gets done. I have one contract extension I really want to get done prior to year end, if I can get the customer to cooperate. Funny, people are just not in the mood to negotiate in December. Perhaps all the personal expenditures and shopping dampens the mood?

I have started to reread the Cannon, as the Aubrey /Maturin novels are called by those in the "know". If you have not read this series, you are missing out on some damn fine literature, storytelling, and adventure.

It is now after midnight, I will get another post off in the morning.

November 27, 2006

Old Number 996

I am in a weird mood today. I am not depressed, but I find I have little motivation to do anything. I do not want to work, I do not want to blog, or read blogs. I have to drive to Iowa for a meeting tomorrow morning, so today's work will be done while looking through a dirty windshield. I may leave in a few hours, I may leave this evening. I have a sales meeting next week and my presentation is not done. I really do not feel like working on it either. Take a mental note -- there will be little or no posts next week, I have to go to New Yawk for said sales meeting. Whoo Whoo. I am so thrilled Icould jump up and down and spit out wooden nickles.

Listless, that is the word that describes my mood. I do not even feel like listening to music, so you know I must be in a funk.

The day started poorly. I opened my eyes to discover it was 6:40. The boys have to leave for school at 7:00. I guess I turned off the alarm and overslept. I jumped from bed and ran to their room to get them up. They were less than thrilled. I drove the little one and the oldest boy hopefully made it on time.

I got the house all decorated over the weekend. I am convinced the wife wants me to break my neck and die. Why else would she insist I put lights on a roof so steep you cannot stand on it? Does this look safe? Crawling up a roof clinging to the side is not my idea of fun. My 15' extension ladder is nowhere near tall enough to reach. Embiggen the picture and you will see there are lights on both gables. The wreath looks tiny, it looked great above the garage on the old house. Now it looks kind of pathetic (BTW it is more than three foot in diameter). The place looks great, but it is hard to get all Christmasy when it is in the mid 60s. I am not sure how the folks in the south do it. We have had a white Christmas for the last several years, and I hope we get another this year. The weather guy says it will be 67 degrees on Wednesday, and we will have snow by Thursday. You have to love the Midwest!

How about those Colts? Edgerrin who? I bet he wishes he would have taken a pay cut and stayed where he had a good offensive line.

November 24, 2006

Why Libertarians will always lose

I agree with nearly all of the Libertarian positions. Small government, low taxes, etc. There position on drugs, border security and defense are unworkable. I once heard a Libertarian proclaim that the Federal Roads were unconstitutional.

The biggest reason is they will be no different than the current crop of tax and spenders that inhabit both parties. The act of one Libertarian jerk has soured me forever. Steve Osburn who lost the Senatorial election for Indiana to Richard Lugar has asked for a recount. Of course this recount will be at taxpayer expense.

He lost by more than one million votes. Jackass.

November 22, 2006



Let me point out right at the outset that Michael Richards, who played Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld, is a jerk, a bigot, and untalented as a stand up comedian. His now-famous racial diatribe was inexcusable and disgusting.

I saw the some of the folks he abused on the Today Show this morning. They appeared with their lawyer. Why am I not surprised? According to the "victims" they were assaulted verbally and insulted when Richards repeatedly called them "Mexicans and Niggers". Apparently a group of about 20 people arrived late for the show, entering the comedy club in the middle of Richard's act. As could be expected, that large of a group created quite a disruption, especially when they begin to order drinks. They then began to heckle the comedian. The disruption angered Richards who called them rude and a bunch of niggers. The ensuing fracas was captured on video, including the "victims" making their own racial slurs.

Note:I am sorry if I offended anyone by actually typing the dreaded "n word", I guess, like "you know who" in the Harry Potter series, we cannot say or write that word, even when reporting.

See paragraph one again.

No person in this country has the right to not be offended. Political Correctness is not yet the law of the land. We are all free to utter the worst slurs imaginable. There does not exist a right, either Constitutionally or God-given, to live a life free of offense. Only in the hippie world of flowers and orgasms for peace does a world where we all just get by on love exist.

Look, calling a person a racial epithet is wrong and disgusting. In a perfect world it would not happen. In a perfect world terrorist would not blow up buses and restaurants.

The PC police have gone too far when they want to sue because a person was called something he did not like. I guess Richards can counter sue for being called a derisive term for white people? Illegals do not want to be called illegals, because that connotes they may have broken a law. Well, duh. Islamic Terrorist do not want to be called Islamic Terrorists, I guess we should call them Christian terrorists (that idea would appeal to the NY Times!).

Look, call me what you like. A cracker, redneck, whatever. Like Underdog taught us: sticks and stones, people, sticks and stones. Evil and unpleasantness confront us every day. God's will it were not true. Bigots exist, of all colors. Evil exists. Pain and suffering exists. We cannot make it go away by wishing it away, and suing it away will not work either.

Take a look at this situation and I will tell you why most of us hate lawyers. These, individuals lost all my sympathy the second they decided they were "owed" for being insulted and hired an attorney. Suck it up and move on.

November 21, 2006


I see the Government is at it again, pushing another dollar coin down our throats. I venture this effort will be greeted with the same excitement that was generated by the two dollar bill, the Susan B Anthony and the Sacajawea dollar -- none. Coin collectors will be all abuzz, and I am sure my Mom will try and get one of every President to give my Kids.

I will not use it. You probably will not either. On my dresser resides a jar full of change. Periodically I take it to the bank or grocery to trade the coins for dollar bills -- yep, paper money. I detest the rattle and bang of coins in my pocket. They are heavy and noisy. I empty the change into the jar at every opportunity. Often I need a few pennies, but I would rather get ninety seven cents back than carry around the spare change.

I have been to Europe and Canada, where men have to carry special change purses and wallets to accommodate the heavy lower denomination coins. They hate. So did I. As evidence, I would rather wait in line at the post office than use the stupid vending machines in the lobby that only give out Sacajawea change.

So my not so bold prediction -- this coin will lay in the vaults at the US mint, unloved and unwanted next to his cousins the Ike and Kennedy Dollar and Half Dollar, the Susan B. and Indian Princess. They will be there in their canvass sacks clinking and lonely until the Government forces us to abandon the beloved greenback dollar. That will only happen when they stop printing them.

Write your Congressmen and Senator and tell them you are sick of the mint and its stupid tax-payer wasting ideas. Of course, short of hitting the crooked politicians with a bag of one dollar coins, I doubt they will listen.

Thanksgiving History

As is my wont, I have been doing a little research into the Pilgrims and the First Thanksgiving. The feast for giving thanks was a great success. After the meal Miles Standish stood to give the after dinner toast:

"Thanks to everyone for a great meal, especially the women. Can we get a hand for the chicks, Guys? Just a word to Felicity and Sarah Hankins, though; next year we would like something more substantial from your larder than turkey hot dogs and that nearly empty bottle of Wild Turkey."

"On a quick programing note, some of the athletic contests will not be seen unless you have a direct communication with the heavens this year. I suggest hanging a dish from the thatch of your roof"

Finally, a word to my Native American friends. Thanks for making this feast such a success. I know we will make this a yearly tradition. I forsee such popularity that in the future you will probably need reservations."

"Thank you and good night."

November 20, 2006

When I am Kiiing of the Forrrrest

Medium is defined as the one in the middle. If you offer a medium drink, by definition doesn't there have to be a size smaller? Most of us would call that a "small". Why do restaraunts insist on calling the smallest drink, pizza, whatever a "medium"? Instead, they offer medium, large and extra large.

When I am King, such idiocy will be punished with firing squads using "medium" sized bullets.

November 19, 2006

Colts vs Cowboys

I do not know who will win, I suspect the Colts will outscore the Cowboys. ido know this the folks at are high on something. They have rated the Cowboys as superior in every catagory for this game: coaching, offense, defense, special teams and QUARTERBACK. Romo is no Manning, of that I am sure.

That very abalysis by ESPN brings their whole view into question.

November 18, 2006

Dear Republican Party

Good God, are you people stupid? The American people sent you a message. Polls show the vast majority of Americans view themselves as CONSERVATIVE. You failed to govern in a Conservative manner over the last two to four years. The opposition party won the last election, capturing the House and the Senate. They accomplished this not by having an agenda, plans, or vision. They did it because they WERE NOT YOU. Republican leadership in Congress responds by voting the same group of individuals who did such a piss poor job of running the Government prior, back into leadership positions. You will wonder how the Democrats win the Presidency in 2008. Voters gave you the answer. You were too dumb, too caught up with you existing power structure to listen.

It has been said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results. I don't think I am crazy. I will not trust you any more to do the right thing. Say goodbye to my vote. I have voted for THREE Democrats in my life. Two of them were when my neighbor ran for coroner. I have voted Republican for 26 years. Not any more.

Unless you find a TRUE CONSERVATIVE to run for President I will stand by and let the country elect a Democrat, even if it is Hilary.


What is truly sad, is the Libertarians will never be elected with their weak on defense, weak on border security and strong on drug use policies. Is there a Conservative Party? Where are the Whigs? The general election did not depress me. The vote to continue down the same old Republican path does.

For my friends in "da Region"

This was sent to me in an email. I do not know if the stereotypes are right or not.

Mattel has introduced Barbie dolls for different regions and towns in
Northwest Indiana.. Be sure to show your Hoosier pride and collect them all!!

Portage Barbie
This version has it all; tattoo of a snake on her upper thigh, every eye
shadow shade Maybelline has ever made, a can of Aqua Net, and two sets of
keys for her double-wide. Optional accessories: Sidewalks and a pick up.
Bumper sticker that says "My kid can beat up your honors student" sold

Lowell Barbie
This model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt,
big hair, a six pack of Coors Light, and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She
can spit over 5 feet and can kick Ken's ass when she's drunk.
A pickup is available with Confederate flag bumper stickers.

Hammond Barbie
Comes complete with four
monogrammed bowling shirts. Talking version brags of having the best
handicap in Lake County and of being able to drink Ken under the
table. Accessories include a six-pack of
Pabst Blue Ribbon, a pack of Marlboro Lights, Harley wardrobe, and an IROC Camaro with T-tops on crates in the driveway.

East Chicago Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis
knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows
and, my favorite, Meth Lab Ken.
Talking version also speaks Spanish and includes two sons: Cesar, star of
his high school soccer team; and Jose, wanted in four states.

Valpo Barbie
This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus, BMW, or a
Hummer H2, gets lost easily, and has no full-time occupation or
post-secondary education.
Cell phone sold separately. Optional: matching gym outfit.

Briar Ridge Barbie
This true blonde drives a Land Rover (sold
separately ). She is originally from Illinois' noth shore. She has an MBA from Northwestern but has never worked
outside the home. Her child's stroller is bigger than your house and her
tennis trophies are discreetly hidden behind CEO Ken's golf trophies. She
knows enough Spanish to talk with the nanny.

St. John Barbie
This Barbie and her husband "Kenneth" used to live in the south suburbs of Chicago, but fled for "better schools." Comes with a faux Louis Vuitton
handbag, a new Convertible Beetle, Starbucks
cup, Target credit card, pill case filled with an assortment of the latest therapist-prescribed mood elevators. Lake Central sweatshirt and furniture for her 3,500 square foot house sold on special order.
Crown Point Barbie
This is a grown-up version of Barbie with three ki ds, all of whom got
straight A's in school, 36's on the ACT, and college scholarships because
they were the best on the team. Includes blowhard husband Ken, who is
seen and heard at every little league game; daughter Amber, head
cheerleader; and son Ken, Jr., the captain of the football team.
The standard version comes with a Ford Windstar, and an assortment of Kate Spade knockoffs bought at a house party.The talking version says "Not MY kid. He wouldn't do that," The deluxe version comes with faux fur and a home in White Hawk that
will never be paid off in their lifetime.

Gary Barbie
This bee-tch of a Barbie comes with a knife to stab other Barbies in the
back, $500 coach bag, and seven children (sold separately).
Goes by the name of Barbeequa and for one low price, includes all of her
sistahs: Midgeequa, Jauneequa, Shaneequa, Taneequa,and Lulu; and all of
her brothers, Leroy, Willie (gold toof extra), Tyro ne 'n em. Bling-bling sold separately.

Dyer Barbie
This Barbie actually comes in two variations. One has long gray hair,
arch-less feet, Berkenstocks, no makeup and a mutt. Second version comes with a boy haircut, brown-highlighted hair, Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt and cargos, combat
boots and a pitbull.

November 17, 2006

Friday Five

Hey, blame Freddie. She asked for it.

Here is this week's Friday Five. With the Holidays coming up we will move right into the Christmas season. Name your five favorite Christmas /Holiday movies.

Here are my choices, in no particular order:

Holiday Inn
White Christmas
The Grinch (cartoon version)
Christmas with the Kranks
The Santa Clause
A Christmas Story

I know, that is six, but it is my blog,

Freddie, tune in tommorrow I will have a joke about "da Region". You may or miy not find it amusing.

Do sheep deserve a reach around?

Look, I am an asshole. A hypocritical asshole. I am fat, I have never lied about that. Humor is humor, and funny is funny. This is funny.

November 16, 2006

HB does Paris, Part Deaux

Excuse the improper spelling of any foreign words and phrases, I just do not care enough to look them up. You can read part one here. edit link fixed

It takes around ten minutes to climb the steps to just the first level of the Eiffel Tower. That sucker is huge. It is also brown, I expected it to be green. I don't know why, maybe because the little replica at Kings Island is green. That is it over there on the right -- the replica, that is. I am sure you have seen many pictures of the real thing ( if not, well I do not know what to tell you). In any case the real one in Paris is big and high, and it made me thirsty.

My engineer friend and I sat at a nearby bistro to have a cold drink. We had beer. And wine and more of both. We watched the sun set over the Seine. The next thing I knew Dave was muttering a big "shit" and looking at his watch. The last shuttle to the hotel left in less than an hour.

That shuttle left from Charles de Gaul airport.

We were in downtown Paris.

This is a problem -- look it up on a map if you do not believe me. We high tailed it to the train station. As we headed down the steps to the underground station we realized the tickets we bought out at Chuck de Gaul airport were not round trip, but ONE WAY. We did not have tickets.

I saw a guy sweeping nearby. I rushed up to him. "Ecusez moi, parlez-vous Anglais?" He gave me a dumb look and said something I could not understand. For a fleeting instance the ugly American leaped into my mind "f-ing foreigners" I thought. I tried again "Parlez-vous Francais?" I figured I could get by with the French I had studied twenty years previously coupled with pigeon English and a strong smattering of Pepe le Pew. No dice.

Spreche Deutch? God, I hope not. I can only order "five beers, please" and say "airport" in German. I just got a shake of the head. Habla Espanol? Again a shake and a lot of jibberish. "Yo ne panamayo Parusky" I told him I could not speak Russian. I had no more success when I counted in Japanese. My language skills exhausted, I realized the guy was sweeping the subway at 10:00 on a Sunday night for a reason. He told me something else in what I supposed was Algerian. I am sure he said "Death to the Infidel" or something similar. Well "doom on you" too, asshole (do you know any Vietnamese? Say that one phoenetically if you want to tell someone to fuck off). The HB school for language is now closed, send your checks now please.

We raced down the hall toward the tracks, five minutes wasted in failed foreign relations. We came to a ticket vending machine next to the closed ticket windows. I was having a tough time translating, the beer was messing up that portion of my brain. In any case, All either of us had was large Franc bills. The machine would not even take the denominations we had. We found the right track, we had only about one minute before the train left. Typical inconsiderate Frenchies, putting everything in non-English (Hey, we are putting every public sign in Spanish). We had to take a decision now.

Yep, we jumped the turnstile. As we collapsed on the train we convinced ourselves if we were questioned by the police we would claim the truth --we wanted to pay, but did not know how. All of this was based on the assumption the cops could (or would) speak English, and that they gave a shit about our excuses. I could only begin to picture the scenes from Midnight Express in my mind. I had three little kids, a wife and big mortgage back in the States. I did not want to spend the night, or month or any time with smelly Jean-Jaques in a French prison. Hey, I saw Papillon, the Prisoner of Zenda and the Count of Monte Cristo, I knew how the Frogs treated their prisoners!

The train pulled without incident below the terminal at Chuck de Gaul Airport. We ran from the train only to remember you had to put your ticket through the turnstile to exit the station. We jumped again. We raced up the stairs in time to see the shuttle pull away. I put my hands on my knees and my head down, breathing hard. I would just have to get a taxi. I heard Dave shout -- he had ran after the bus, pounding its side until it stopped. We were on our way back to the hotel.

Next time -- the fun really starts, and I put a couple of Frenchies in their place.

November 15, 2006

Have we lost our will to fight?

I once had a boss tell me I was not an intellectual. He also accused me of being unable to do strategic thinking. He said I was suited to be the sargent that led the troops up the hill, a good tactician, but a poor strategist. He meant to insult me, but I was honored. Maybe he was right. But WTF, it is my blog and I will do all the strategering I want. This is going to be a long one, so go to the bathroom now.

Clausewitz said that war was an extension of politics. I have read all of the Baron von Clausewitz' work, and I can tell you he was a pompous windbag. In this case however, he was right. In no way do I think the American fighting man has lost his abilities. We have the best-trained, most powerful armed forces in history. It is our politicians, and by extension, our citizens, who have lost the will to fight.

We cannot claim a victory since World War II. You will tell me we won in Panama, in Grenada, but I liken those actions to destroying a nest of hornets on the porch. The destruction of the nest is painful, but not really all that difficult. Disagree if you wish, but my main point remains germane. Let us look at some proof:

In Korea, we did not finish the job. Under a Democrat President we were forced into a war for which we were not prepared. Most people do not know that under Truman massive amounts of war materiel were thrown overboard or abandoned after WWII. The Democrat-led Congress and the newly-named Department of Defense downsized the military, cut training funds and left us with a military unprepared for war. Truman called up the inactive reserves which consisted mostly of WWII vets to fight in Korea instead of the National Guard, as he reasoned we needed men who knew how to fight. After initial defeats and retreats, The UN forces led overwhelmingly by the US Army, Marines and supported by the Air Force and Navy pushed the North Koreans to the brink of annihilation. The Communists were only saved by the intervention of the Chinese. The resulting casualties, especially the retreat from the Chosin dampened the fervor at home. The stalemate summer and winter along the 38th parallel caused the public to sicken of the huge casualties with nothing to show. We sought a peace, and sort of went home with our tail between our legs. We still have troops in Korea keeping an uneasy peace today, more than one half century later. North Korea is still a thorn in our side, spoiling to finish the fight she could not then. History tells us we inflicted huge casualties on the Chinese / NOK troops. We won nearly every battle, and if not for the interference of the Politicians at home, the commanders might have won. Truman et al, were afraid an American victory would bring the Soviets into the fray. What lesson was learned? For the Communists, we sent the message we would fight for our cause, but only up to a point.

Next up are what I will call the little wars; Greece, Cuba, the Congo, Berlin, Eastern Europe. These were the hot spots in the cold war. We did enough to ensure we did not lose to the Communists, but we were unwilling to exert the effort to win. The idea of another global war was unthinkable. We left our allies hanging out to dry in Hungary and at the Bay of Pigs. The military was willing, the politicians were not. A theme is beginning to develop. Hungary we can blame on Eisenhower (and his left leaning Department of State,)the Bay of pigs fiasco was under the auspices of another Democrat President. The lesson here? Same as above, but also that we would abandon our friends if the potential cost was too high.

Next we come to Vietnam. The war the military won and the politicians and American people lost. The armed forces of the United States won every single battle in South East Asia. Contrary to what the liar Walter Cronkite told us, Tet was a huge disaster for the North Vietnamese. The Vietcong infrastructure was destroyed and the NVA took huge losses. If we had pressed our attack at that point the war would have been over. Somehow the reverse has entered into popular culture. NVA Commander Giap reported that the NVA High Command was stunned by the US press reports of the TET Offensive, He thought he was done for until he heard the reporting and he said at that moment he knew they would eventually win. One could make the argument we should have never gone to Vietnam. We did, and the military (again) did its job. The civilian leaders at the Pentagon, and in Congress did not do theirs. Once again we found the cost of war was too high, and we abandoned our allies. The American people under a Democrat Congress did not have the stomach to finish the job. The pogroms, killings and mass murder by the North Vietnamese Communists and the Khmer Rouge of MILLIONS can be laid at our feet. What did the world learn? We will quit when the price becomes too high. You will tell me that 58,000 deaths were to many for that shithole and I would agree. Were 12,000 casualties in twenty minutes too many at Mary's Heights, or 28,000 at Antietam in one day, or 53,000 in three days at Gettysburg worth the end result? How about the 9,000 at Omaha Beach? What happened to the willingness to sacrifice for the American ideal our forefathers demonstrated a hundred years prior? What happened to the children of the WWII generation?

We end the essay with a discussion of the Middle East. The theme is repetitive, and I hope you get the point. Reagan pulled out after the Marine Barracks in Lebanon was bombed. He should have wiped the Islamic assholes responsible from the face of the earth. Kyber Towers, the USS COLE, the cut run of Somalia, the lack of a political will to finish the job in Iraq the first time. These actions all sent the message to our enemies we did not have the will to fight, that when it became too hard the American people would back down, quit, hide.

The movie Red Dawn was hugely popular in the eighties because it demonstrated the part of us all Americans like to believe exists -- the fighter that will never quit. It stirred the John Paul Jones in all of us -- " I have not yet begun to fight!" Unfortunately, our actions speak louder than the speakers at the movie theater.

I read today where Tony Blair and the Brits are talking compromise with the Iranians. Why wouldn't they? When have we shown any evidence we will support the actions when it gets too hard? After the bombing in Spain that country was derided for the political decision to no longer send troops to Iraq. What is any different in the Spanish activities than those proposed by Murtha, Kerry and others? It has been oft repeated the quotation that those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. Will we make the same mistakes as we have made since the end of World War II? Will America lack the stomach to finish the job? Will we leave our friends hanging? Why do we condemn the Iraqi President for making overtures to Iran? He knows we are about to screw him over, and he is looking to preserve what he can from the neighborhood bully.

Bin Laden said he knows he will win because we are weak. He knows we will submit before the cost is too high. He believes Islam will triumph over the American way because we would rather switch than fight. A look at history over the last 60 years indicates he might be right. Remember this, those of you with the old Red Dawn/ Wolverine spirit, if we do not fight tyranny and hate and extremism OVER there, we will be forced to do it here. Do we have the guts for that?

Big Boobies

I watched part of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes this morning. I have to say that Marylin Monroe really does not do much for me. Her voice annoys me to no end. I know what some of you are saying -- "HB you do not want to talk to her". IN any case I have never been hot for blondes, my taste runs to brunettes and redheads. Jane Russell is also in this flick. She is stacked, but she comes across in this movie, and every other movie, and her bra commercials as a total unmitigated bitch. A real unpleasant person. She did shack up with Howard Hughes, but that is neither here nor there.

OJ Simpson has come out with a book and interview that details if he did kill Ron and his wife how he would have done it. Does this guy have no sense of shame? I hope those idiots on his jury are proud of themselves.

What,you do not think the previous paragraphs are related? Look again at the title to the post.

November 14, 2006

See it quick -- careful you don't puke

This may or may not be a picture of a young Hoosierboy taken for his senior year in college. Don't I look thrilled? A lot has sure changed in 20+ years. I DO still have my hair, though.

If you know me let me know in an email, I must protect my super secret alter identity. If this really were me...

A new direction?

This makes great sense. Read it and ponder.

HT Woodswalk

Tuesday Grab Bag

Well, here I am posting on the new version of Blogger. I suspect I am going to have to redo the Haloscan etc. It has its own problems. Man, I find it hard to complain about Free stuff.

I read recently that American workers are the most productive in the world, by far. I can speak for my experience in Europe. Lazy assholes I say. In the last years at BIG COMPANY, we had to have most of our International meetings in Europe. The Euroweenies did not like the fact that when they came to the US the day started at eight am, and we worked through lunch (catered in usually), finally ending around 5:30 or 6:00 in the evening. They preferred a more civilized beginning of the day around 9-9:30, followed by a 1-1/2 hour lunch, knocking off around 5:00 at the latest.

I mention this because we are entering the "dead season" for anyone in sales. The time between Thanksgiving and the second week of January is impossible. Engineers are trying to finish projects, Purchasing types are looking ahead to next year. Everyone is looking forward to the holidays, office parties and generally relaxed attitude at work. Salesmen are usually welcome if they have brought a gift. So it goes.

I just had some peach cobbler reheated for breakfast. I poured milk over it. Do any of you do that? I put milk on my cereal, my jello, my pudding, cake, fruit pie and cobbler. My Grandmother loved saltine crackers crumbled in milk for a snack. I could never acquire a taste for that or sop -- milk soaked in bread. I do like bananas in milk. What strange things do you eat with milk?

November 13, 2006

Another Milestone

If this is you -- you are the big winner. The rest of you keep hitting, keep linking, you might just win the BIG SECOND CHANCE DRAWING You could be the big 35K winner. Visit often!

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Monday Morning Coming Down

Shew, Mondays suck. I have my quarterly forecast due tomorrow, so do not expect much from me today. Based on past performance I am sure I have set the bar low enough, and your expectations are not that high anyway.

Are the Colts that good, or is their PERFECT record all smoke and mirrors?

I saw Ron White on Friday, a very belated Birthday gift. If your only exposure to Mr. White is from the Blue Collar DVDs, you are missing the real act. I think he loses something when he performs with Foxworthy et al, because they want to keep the PG rating. He was rude crude and hilarious. The facial expressions killed me. When I got done my face hurt from laughing so much. The warm up guy was also VERY good. The Elliott Hall of Music at Purdue was the venue, and it is sure outdated. White is definitely a better comedian live.

I fixed beef and noodles and mashed potatoes for supper last night. Long-time readers might remember this is my mostest favorite meal ever. I went to bed a mostly happy guy. If I could have gotten laid things would have been better. That is not too likely to happen though.

Hey, I told you at the beginning -- I've got nuttin.

November 11, 2006


This is the post I wrote last November 11th. I think it says it just fine.

An open letter to all veterans
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE. 11:11 am, November 11, 1918. Rauol Lufbury, Eddie Rickenbacker, Alvin York, Blackjack Pershing, Bellau Wood, St. Mihail Salient, George Patton, George Marshall, The Marines. I had a post written. Those who care already know. For those who do not care the effort would be wasted. I think a simple thank you will have to do. Thank You for your service Veterans of America.

In Flanders Fields By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918) Canadian Army

IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

November 10, 2006

Oh, Oh, I almost forgot

Happy Birthday

And Thanks

The Flying McCoys

Tater Salad

We are off tonight to see Ron White in concert. We are going with our best friends. This is the first time the wife and I have done anything for a long time, and I am looking forward to it. She has been a major grump all week, and maybe this will help. You see, she is pissed at me, pissed at life. This has been a bad week, to go with a bad year. I maintain sitting around feeling miserable and sorry for yourself serves no purpose. That just seems to piss her off more.

This burst of optimism is very uncharacteristic for me. Maybe it is a midlife crisis? Sometimes life gives you a chop block, then it kicks you while you are down. After that lady luck does a Hayward on your unhelmeted skull, raking her sharpened cleats across your bare head. You could just curl up in a fetal ball. You could get up and punch her in the tits. I know what I prefer.

It is Friday. Time for the Friday Five. In honor of the Colts and da Bears having such great seasons, how about we rank the five best teams in the NFL? Show me your list and I'll show you mine (insert Groucho leer here).

November 9, 2006

Back to our regularly scheduled nonsense.

There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.

The first lady said, "I don`t know bout y`all, but I`m gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I`m out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady said, "Well, I`m a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.

The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin` down and I`m floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I`m not going to wear any panties....."

"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.

"Dat`s right, you heard me. I`m not wearing any panties," the third lady said,"cause if dis plane goes down, honey dey always look for da black box first."

Quit, you will repeat it before the week is out.

Happy Happy Hug Hug

In the spirit of harmony, cooperation, and reconciliation, is it possible Vice President Dick Chaney will invite Nancy Pelosi to go hunting?

Just wondering...

On a completely unrelated note, has anyone noticed there are hardly any stories this time about disenfranchised voters, fraud, and evil voting machines? Are we getting better, or did the right people win?

November 8, 2006

Now What?

Dear President Bush
cc: Republican National Committee

I bet you are sitting in your plush conference rooms this morning doing a post mortem. Did the country make a political move to the left? Are conservative principles no longer in vogue? What happened?

Well first off, you lost to a party that ran on the platform they were not YOU. They offered no plans, just change. If they did cite a stand, it was usually conservative. Mostly they just were not YOU. Carl Rove, your genius is missing.

Here is why you lost:

You failed to close the borders. Americans are sick of being asked to push "2" for English. We are sick of watching tens of thousands of dollars leave our local community for Mexico via money order and Western Union every week. We are upset our teenagers cannot find employment. We are sick of seeing Hispanic names comprising the majority of the police calls in the local paper. We are sick of emergency rooms full of illegal immigrants. We want the borders closed, the illegals SENT BACK. I call bullshit on the idea that Americans will not do these jobs.

You failed to show any sort of fiscal responsibility. The moniker tax and spend Democrat has been replaced by tax cut and spend Republican. The failure to put pressure on your own to stop the 'bridge to nowhere" and other pork has infuriated your voters. In a like mind the utter failure of the President to veto any spending bill, especially the prescription and farm handouts -- caused many to vote against you.

There is a perception you do not know what your are doing in the WOT. I support the invasion of Iraq, and you used the same arguments as your predecessor. You did the right thing. But there seems to be no plan, no end. Maybe there is, but in any case you lost the PR battle. You have the bully pulpit, use it. When you did it was too little too late. Again, you did nothing to show there is any plan except "stay the course". Your refusal to actually Identify the enemy was key to winning this battle. When you backed away from the term Islamic Fanatics you showed your are weak, afraid of pissing off the very people who we are fighting. Call a spade a spade and the hell with those who do not like it.

The Republicans in the Senate. Mealy mouthed compromising weaklings. Good God, what happens when a man goes to Washington -- does he lose all sense of right and wrong? Sometimes you just cannot compromise.

You played the morality card too many times When you put up yourself as "better and more moral" than the other guys they are going to prove you wrong. Too many scandals, too close to the election. Fair or not, you got outsmarted.

Finally, if you want to recapture the government in 2008 you must be strong. Learn how to veto, Mr. President. Stem cell research is NOT the place to start. Republicans MUST take a stand and stick to it. Gridlock is not a bad thing. Our country"s security is your paramount consideration, that includes the WOT and securing our borders. Make a plan and fight for it, even if you lose it will differentiate you from the evil party. Then you too can run next time as "we are not them".

You are welcome, free of charge.

Oh, and to those of you who wanted to punish the Republicans. I hope you remember that message when the tax cuts are gone and the terrorists come here to murder again.

November 7, 2006

Thirty k

Sometime in the next week I will hit thirty thousand visits.

30,000 days ago it was 09/19/1924. 30,000 years ago a dinosaur would have written this blog. 30,000 seconds ago I was driving in my car. 30,000 dollars was the salary for the job that moved me to where I live now (that was in 1989). 30,000 ounces of beer is 104 cases. I bet I drank that much in the year 1983 alone. 30,000 of anything is a lot.

For many of you that is a day or week or month's blogging. I do it for the little guys. I am intensely proud of the fact that the equivalent of a small rural city has found the time to stop by this humble site. For the record, you have endured 962 posts during the last 595 days -- a total of 20 months of drivel, of history, of politics, of jokes and cartoons, and a whole lot of me (and a little of Otter).

Thanks to each of you who have made this possible. A big shout to Alli, Guy, GOC Acidman, Jimbo, SWG, the dragon/goldbloom sisters, Ted, JT, the Hoosier Alliance, Ralphd00d, chou, Dick, battie, and everyone else who has linked me, read me, and commented me. I am sure I have left off several names -- believe me it is an accident and I am no less thankful. You are all listed on the sidebar.

Who will be the lucky 30k visitor? Keep visiting, keep clicking -- it may just be YOU!


I am not bitter. For those of you who voted Libtardarian, or Democrat to "punish" the Republicans. I sincerely hope we do not regret it. If we cut and run in Iraq, looking for one more example of "peace with honor" we will be no better than the French surrender monkeys. Remember Bin Laden himself said that he was encouraged to move forward with 9/11 because of the democrat cut and run tactics used by the honorable, slick Willie. Good luck finding another ally to fight on our side. Shit we will be in league with the switch side Italians. Well, the dimoccrits want us to be more like the Euros -- looks like we will get their wish. Now the terrorists will not have to fight us OVER THERE, they can come here since they will have proven we are cowardly.

I hope you enjoy gotcha politics and the next two years of impeacments, hearings, finger pointing, and gutter politics. I only hope the Republicans grow some balls and finally stand for the true Reagan principles the core of the party stands for.

If you are a socialist, or a communist, you are about to get a true comrade in Nancy Pelosi.

What is this country coming to when Democrats even win Indiana?

Finally a word of warning to Senate Republicans: This election was not a referendum on Democrats -- it was a message to you. Take heed or you will see BIG changes in 2008.

The country will vote for a conservative message. We just need someone with the balls to speak it.

November 6, 2006

I know what is holding me back

I bet I could be a total kick-ass king of the blogworld if I only knew how to do that strikeout thing. My inability to strikeout and then type more sarcastic or poignant remarks is all that is holding me back. I am sure of it.

For Woods Walk

Ramblin' Man

A post for phlegmy -- she would love this.

One of the cool things about being a traveling salesman is the expectation my car will breakdown in front of a lonely farmstead with a generous farmer with a big breasted horny daughter(or two). That has yet to happen, but I hold eternal hope.

The other is I get to see some crazy stuff.

This is a two story Indian statue in Montpelier, Indiana. Just down the road is a twenty foot tall guy holding an ice cream cone. My camera phone pictures did not come out well. I will get a good one next time.

Some days it is just good to be me.

November 5, 2006

'Splain this Lucy

Bears = undefeated

Colts = undefeated

Patriots = one loss

Why all week is the NFL news all about Romo, or TO or whatever soap opera is taking place in 4-3 Dallas?

Go Away Cowboys, we do not care about you. You are not America's Team anymore (if you ever were).

That is all.


Can I point out that Brady will never line up across from Manning? The contest Is Manning vs the Patriot's defense and Brady vs the Colts defense. We will never see Manning vs Brady. Enough.


I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window
and gave the woman the finger.

" Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and
wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic,
and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has
a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so

November 4, 2006

This is what you get for being nice

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought
he should open it to see what it was all about. The letter read . .
Dear God,
I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday, someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the
money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas and I had
invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only
Can you please help me?

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made his rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an
envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a
warm glow thinking about Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with
her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came
from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened.

It read . . Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
bastards at the Post Office.

weekend cartoon

November 3, 2006

Concealed weapons -- Did he have a carry permit?

This is why reading the news is so worthwhile:

EL CERRITO, Calif. - A naked man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after telling police he had a screwdriver in his buttocks. The man was lying on a tree stump masturbating beside a nature path near the El Cerrito Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said.

The best quote:

"You can't get much more concealed than that," Horgan said.


Friday Five

What are the five WORST movies you have ever seen?

edit Here are my choices:

1. Mr. Mike's Mondo Video.
hands down the worst movie I have ever seen. I was one of the few brave souls to actually pay ticket prices to see it in the theater.

2. Rocky Horror Picture Show
Sorry, I justt do not get it.

3. Howard the Duck

4. Pocahontas

5. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

November 2, 2006

Just a song before I go...Or liveblogging the Hoosierboy brain

Purportedly (is that a word?) Graham Nash of CSN wrote the tune Just a Song Before I Go in 15 minutes on a dare before leaving a recording session. In that vein I am going to see if I can get off a post of random thoughts before I leave to the supplier conference at Big Customer.

Supplier Conferences are usually boring affairs.

Acidman was right, you can spend a day writing what you deem a masterpiece post. The one you crank out in seconds will get the most hits and comments.

The most comments I have received in recent times is on a dream involving sex. I guess I know what my readers are looking for. Perverts.

Either I am a political genius that everyone agrees with, or some of you lack the guts to argue with me.

I live for arguments about anything -- politics, religion, history, philosophy. Bring it on.

I have had to buy new pants because my old jeans WERE TOO BIG.

To make up for that I bought a Hostess peach pie at Wal-Mart today.

The fat cow who checked out my groceries put the pie in the bag with the box of garbage bags. Stupid girl. I guess I know why she is working at Wal-Mart. OMG, did I just channel John Kerry!

Speaking of old Horseface, I am not sure which is more appalling - his disdainful comments about the military, or that he is surprised at the backlash.

Does anyone notice most of the top Dimocrats are out of sight? If most Americans knew what a socialist Pelosi is, they would never vote for a local Dimocrat in abject fear she might become Speaker of the House and three heartbeats away from being President. Hear me on this people -- Russians from the former USSR would be comfortable with her political views. Do some research and vote accordingly.

The little one leaves in the morning for Space Camp. He is juiced.

I will not be here to take him to the bus in the morning. The wife is not thrilled about this. She has to get up extra early to get him there and still get ready for work on time.

Beef Jerky kicks ass -- especially the Jack Links kind flavored with A1.

Do you ever sit and think "man I could use a beer"?

The combo of Taco Bell and aforementioned beef jerky for lunch might not have been a good idea in retrospect. Farting my evening away might not make the impression desired with executives from Big Customer.

I am tempted to publish this baby without spellcheck so you can all see what a retard I really am.

Isn't it crazy that I am spending the night in a hotel just a little more than 1 and 1/2 hours from my home? What if I were to add I will be 5 minutes from my mother-in-law and 15 from my parents?

My neighbor owns two of the ugliest cars imaginable.

I have toyed in recent days of posting an actual photo of me. Maybe one that is old. What if I did and someone actually recognized me and said "Holy Shit I know that guy"? Could I keep posting the crazy stuff I do if I knew I did not have anonymity? Do I really anyway? If you think you know me send me an email. I am starting to weird myself out.

Hey, you would be paranoid too, if everyone were out to get you.

I have seen neither hide nor scale of the snake in my backyard. Was I dreaming?

Did you ever see a black door and want to paint it red?

I could go on like this all day, but I have to pack soon. ETD 3:00.

I hate that it is getting too cold to go outside and smoke a cigar. If it is warm, it is likely windy this time of year.

If having the daylight extend later in the evening is a good thing, and saves so much money etc., why do we go back in the winter? Shouldn't we move ahead even further so that it is light later in the evening? How is getting dark at five o'clock in the winter better that getting dark at 6:00? If getting dark at 9:30 in the summer is better than at 8:30, shouldn't the same be true in winter? Could it be no one plays golf in the winter? Could someone who is smart explain this to me?

There you go, a live blog of my mind for a few minutes in the afternoon. I challenge you to do the same.

I hate the Republicans right now

If you think voting Libertarian or Democrat will make things better you are an idiot.
Hold your nose and do the right thing.

rebuttal is welcomed. It may take a while for me to respond, work beckons for the next two days. Feel free to argue among yourselves, I will set you all straight when I return from the homeland of the Goldbloom/Dragons.

November 1, 2006

Wayback Whensday

This is a picture of some of my great grandfather's army buddies. Note the guy in the middle is not wearing shoes.

The handwritten note on the back says the image was taken at Batangas, The Philippines, July 14, 1900.

None of the individuals are identified. None is my great grandfather.

You can also check it out here. I am getting tired of Blogger not working. I guess you get what you pay for!

Maybe I told this story before

The Wedding Invitation

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me: her beautiful younger sister. My sister-in-law-to-be was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and went bra-less.

One day she called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she told me she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She said she wanted to make love to me just once before I married her sister.

Of course I was totally shocked and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going up stairs to my bedroom but if you want one last wild fling, come up and join me." I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs. At the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight out the front door to my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We're so happy that you've passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always, always, keep your condoms in your car!
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