Part Four, or a race to the finish because I am getting bored.

 In summary, by the end of the 19th Century, the French so loathed the Germans for their humiliation in the Franco-Prussian War that after nine hundred years, they make a treaty of friendship with the British.

All of the European powers looked askance at the upstart Americans who are raking it in economically without the divine guidance of a king, and as a result, all those Royals have given up power to elected representatives in order to maintain their way of life -- you know, living like royalty. 

There remained a bunch of crazy leftists who actually believed that insane economic theory crap spouted by Karl Marks and Frederik Engels. Far left anarchists believed they could bring on a perfect society by killing political leaders, especially kings. 

Now the Austrian Empire is by this time is a frail and wasting empire run by a weak and inbred family. Disgruntled people throughout the edges of the Empire are in a mild state of revolt. One leftist knucklehead murders the Archduke of Austria and his wife.  That assassination will lead to the deaths of 80-100 million people. Damn leftists.

The treaties kick in. 

Austria declares war on Serbia. Russia declares war on Austria. Germany declares war on Russia. France declares war on Germany. Germany declares war on France. Great Britain declares war on Germany. Turkey wants some of those Russian Black Sea territories so they declare war on Russia. No one cares much. The Americans are like, how can we make some money out of this situation?

What followed was four years of unmitigated hell. It was war at its most evil. Modern weapons against 19th Century tactics. Poison gas, tanks, aircraft -- all new advances in warfare entered the scene. The Germans unleashed the most evil weapon of all; they sent Lenin and Trotsky to Russia. The Germans considered Vladimir Lenin so awful, so terrifying, they kept him in a sealed, locked train car until they released him inside Russian borders. That evilness accounted for millions of additional deaths in the 20th Century.

Eventually, the French reminded the Americans about their aid in back during the Revolution, and the Americans stepped in on the side of the French and English and Russians. The Germans surrendered and the French remembered how humiliated they were by the Prussians in the Franco-Prussian War. They demanded such harsh terms on the Germans that an entire generation would suffer. These harsh terms would, more than anything, lead to WWII. 

Yeah, Yeah Part Three

 By the end of the American Revolution most of Europe viewed France's King Louis like their idiot cousin at the family reunion; he was going to double dip in the nachos and "forget" to pay his share for the hamburger and hot dogs. 

The fledgling Untied States was broke, the first government they formed under the Articles of Confederation was so weak it could not govern itself, and the new government it formed pretty much told the French "I know I owe you, but, I just don't have any extra cash this month". 

The French King was broke, he raised taxes on everyone and borrowed money from his neighbors to make ends meet. Instead of paying off his debts, King Louis partied. Hard. The French people were taxed out and starving. They looked across the Atlantic at the Americans and said "Hey, we could do that. We don’t need no stinkin’ king.”So the French tossed out the king and instituted some radical, far-left craziness that included chopping off lots of noble heads. 

European royalty looked at these events with alarm.  No one was a fan of crazy Louis, but he was their crazy Louis and if beheading Kings became a thing, well that was unacceptable to the kings of every other European country. That crap needed to end, like yesterday. As other kingdoms started attacking France, a remarkable Corsican rose through the ranks and became large and in charge. This guy was a brilliant strategist and tactician. He whipped the Austrians, then the Italians, then the Austrians again. He defeated the Prussians. Then Napoleon crushed the Prussians, Russians, and Austrians yet again -- and all at once at the Battle of Austerlitz. 

Eventually, after about two decades, the combined European powers defeated Napoleon and restored France back to a Kingdom. For the next fifty or sixty years France flirted with democracy and monarchy, changing governments every decade or two. 

Meanwhile, the Prussians started to consolidate power in northern Germany, ultimately defeating the Austrians in a little war. Alarmed, France told the Germans they better not, and I mean it, try to bring the German-speaking areas of southern Germany into the Prussian alliance.  Otto von Bismarck laughed at the French, stuck a rock on his shoulder and told the Frenchies, "I dare you to knock it off." 

France declared war on Germany. 

Germany defeated France in six months, one week, and two days. Pretty much five months of that war was Germany straddling France, dangling a big hocker over France's face telling France to say "Uncle." Historians call this conflict the Franco-Prussian War. I guess the Six Month One Week and Two Days War was not as catchy as the "Hundred Years War."

Germany forced France to pay an indemnity in exact proportion to the that imposed on Prussian by Napoleon. Those Euros have long memories. 

Hoosierboy Guide to History Part Deaux

 The English had just fought a war in North America to protect their colonies from the evil French and their Native American (no one called them that) allies. British politicians asked themselves why their constituents needed to cough up more taxes to pay to protect colonies from the French and the Indians when those colonists paid no taxes. 

The Parliament said the colonists needed to pay some taxes going forward. The American colonists replied that if we are going to get taxed we should get a vote on it. the Parliament said "You will take it and you will like it." 

The Americans replied "F@#k you." The King pointed out his army had cool red uniforms. The Americans told the king where he could shove those red uniforms. "Are you ready to rumble?" They demanded. War was on.

Now at this point in history the British army and navy were the most powerful in the world.  While the plucky Americans continued to fight, they lost most of the battles, but just like Cool Hand Luke, the embattled colonials refused to stay down.

Meanwhile, the Americans sent  smooth operator Ben Franklin to talk to the King of France. "Hey King, your cousin King George is a real dick." he told the King of France.

"I hate that guy," said French King Louis, so Ben explained that if the French would just give the Americans a little bity loan, the colonists would knock that bully George down a peg or two. Oh, and if Louis threw in some ships and sailors to sail those ships and a few regiments of infantry, victory would be guaranteed. "And money, don't forget the money," Franklin's buddy John Adams added.

"I hate that guy," Louis said again. "Do you promise to pay me back?" 

Ben Franklin looked over at John Adams and winked. "Sure, with interest."

So the French gave troops and ships and money, lots of money, to the Americans. Finally after seven years of war, Parliament looked at the recalcitrant Americans like a parent sick of arguing with their teenager. "If you think life is so easy out there in the adult world - good luck," and they took back the cell phone and kicked the ungrateful jerks out of the British Empire. 

Then those crazy Americans formed a country and established a government without a king. Heck, there was no nobility at all. 

The rest of Europe looked on in alarm.

Hoosierboy Guide to History

 About a thousand years ago a French Guy invaded England and proclaimed himself King and that is why WWII  (as in World War two, not, ahem, eleven) happened. 

For the next few centuries the king of England and the King of France fought over territory, over money, and over who would be king of France. Several English monarchs in these years could not even speak English, only French. In fairness, I cannot understand Old English either. 

Things grew so bitter, the French and English fought a war that lasted one hundred and sixteen years, but that conflict goes by the nickname The Hundred Years War, I suppose because some dorky historian believed it flowed off the tongue easier. Ultimately, the French kept the French throne and the English the English throne, and British monarchs then spent their time fighting their relatives, the Welsh, Irish, and Scots, the Dutch, and the Spanish and anyone else that irritated them. Basically the English were soccer hooligans before World Cup soccer was invented. 

Then the Spanish started bringing boatloads of gold back from the New World and both the British and the French wanted in on some of that sweet "exploit the natives" action. 

In North America the French went for trapping and trading furs and the British started sending over malcontents, criminals, and religious fanatics to colonize the wilderness. Everybody was making money, if you were a Royal or their buddy.

Things were going great until like a couple of selfish kids France and England started fighting over what would later be described as "red states" and the old animosities raised their ugly head. "Mine" "No. Mon" brought the two kings back to war and this time they only went at it for about seven years. Clever historians called this conflict the Seven Years War. 

The French lost. Their nation's collective psyche didn't take it well.

More in the next episode as we examine how Newton's Third Law of Motion applies equally to history.

Monday music

 

Happy Mother’s Day

 …to all you moms out there.

How it’s made

How does a priest make Holy Water?

He boils the Hell out of it. 

Ba Boomp

Shuddup. You will repeat it.