April 22, 2007

Earth Day

Yesterday was Earth Day (I think) and I celebrated it by fighting Mother Nature and her minions. It started with the damn stupid robins assaulting my dryer vent again in a vain attempt to build a nest. The vent is bird proofed, but these dumber than dumb critters just keep trying. The banging on the siding and dropping of white shit down the side of the house finally pushed me to the limit. I crept around the corner and dropped the main offender with the pellet gun. That seemed to keep the other one at bay for the rest of the day.

Later, I embarked on a weed killing spree. I filled my industrial size pressure sprayer and commenced a chemical assault that would have shamed Saddam Hussein. Dandelion, clover, and some pernicious ground cover all were dosed heavily. I will not have much grass left when I am done, but the weeds will die, die, die. If a few tulips and ornamental shrubs take casualties, that is war and sometimes innocents take one for the better good.

For kicks I crossed the little brook and hit some of the weeds on the other bank, to keep them from spreading across like illegal immigrants jumping the Rio Grande. I understand the need for border control.

As I came back across the little bridge I saw a stick under the rail, I went to kick it over into the water and realized it was the tail of a fucking damn whoreson evil spawn of Satan lying in wait to kill me snake. I am pretty sure it was the same SOB that tried to sneak up on me last fall. For once I did not run in fear. I pumped up the sprayer to full tilt. I leaned over the rail and gave the serpent a mega-dose of weed killer right in the face. He dove over the side lickety-split. I fetched the hoe and spent the next twenty minutes trying to find him to cut him to pieces. I hope the weed killer makes it sick and causes a long slow death -- somewhere else. I intend to look for it to end its life today as the it will be even warmer this afternoon. I will not be able to enjoy my backyard and the little bubbling brook knowing the serpent of death is stalking me.

The battle rages.

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