June 14, 2009

Are all Prius drivers assholes?

In my travels in and round the Midwest last week I again noticed a rash of idiotic drivers have taken over the road. Friday's highways seemed especially crowded with nitwits and rude drivers. My trip home from the western suburbs of Chicago were a stress stroke waiting to happen.

It is very simple, assholes. The left lane is for passing. If you are a semi going 66 mph trying to pass a semi going 65 mph, you are holding up traffic. The pedal on the right is the gas. Use it and get the fuck around. Or tap the one on the left, slow down and get over. Look in the mirror and repeat this every day -- "go or get over".

It sure seems that every time I run into a bunch of cars backed up in the left lane I find the head of the line is being held up by a Prius. Is there something about that car that makes you drive like a moron? Maybe it is the sense of entitlement you feel by buying a green car that makes you drive like a Dickhead?

Why is it that people from Michigan and Ohio cannot seem to be able to drive in the right hand lane? The same mantra applies to you -- "go or get over". If people are passing you on the right that is a sign you are driving like an ass. Those big white rectangular signs with numbers on them are speed limit signs. If you are using that speed as a maximum, do not even think about driving in the left lane. If you are going five or more mph below the posted speed -- get off on the next exit. Buy a GPS and take the nearest route to a large river. Jump off the bridge. Your only alternative is to take a taxi, a train, Greyhound or fly. You are dangerous on the highways of our nation. If all else fails, take the cap off the battery that powers your Prius and breath deeply of the fumes. Please.

Summer is upon us and thousands of drivers are hitting the interstates that rarely drive at highway speed. Here is a tip for you suburbanites in your minivans, SUVs and fucking Priuses -- you car is equipped with a cruise control. Use it. You clearly do not have the driving chops to make your speedometer behave. You cannot seem to control your vehicle to within ten miles per hour. Look, the open road is not the congested commute. I-65 is not the bloody Ike. We do not like having to slam on our brakes because you cannot hold speed. After thirty miles of dealing with you passing, slowing down, passing, slowing down, I just wish I could shoot you.

And finally, a word about those signs that warn about the left lane closing ahead. They apply to you. The reason the right lane is stopped and slowed to a crawl is because you have to rush forward and try to shove in right at the barrels that mark the end of the lane. You force the entire conga line of cars in the right lane to slam on the brakes to accommodate your rude driving. The result is a two mile back-up. The primary asshats in this violation of good sense seem to be middle-aged white guys in German cars, white trash in old Chryslers and Buicks, and suburban housewives driving a gottdam Prius or Mini Cooper. Friday, a large semi, tired of the assholes rushing up in the ending left lane, straddled the center line just short of the flashing arrow that marked the beginning of the construction zone. An asshole in a old Plymouth Fury actually drove through the grass median to get around the truck. I am sure that extra half dozen car lengths was worth it.

In short -- slower vehicles keep right. Use your cruise control. Don't be a jerk in construction zones. If you drive a Prius go hang yourself.

That about covers Hoosierboy's rules of the road.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

You hit it on the money!
Dear Prius Drivers,
We hate you. You drive like shit.
Signed,
The Rest of us

Anonymous said...

http://priusdriver.tumblr.com/

Anonymous said...

Great Article! Pertinent, precise and entertaining!
Here in the SF bay area, land of the Toyota Prius, I'd like to offer some of own my observations with the "holier than thou" crowd in their egregious looking Priuses. On the freeway a Prius is either going ten miles per hour under the speed limit or twenty or thirty miles per hour over the speed limit; Prius drivers love to tailgate, especially in city traffic; I know that a lot of pricks love blasting through red lights lately in other vehicles, but I often see Prius drivers failing to stop on a red and rolling through stop signs; and what other kind of car will you see a collage of far left political propaganda stickers, Darwin fish, peace signs and "Go Vegan" stickers? The Prius of course. Now, speaking of other makes of cars that are often piloted by asshole drivers, here's my list from my many years on the road: Audi (virtually every model); BMW (virtually every model;) Volkswagen (especially Jetta, Golf and Beetle drivers); Mercedes Benz (virtually all models); Ford Mustang (primarily the later model ones); Jeep (especially Grand Cherokee, Cherokee, Liberty and Wrangler drivers); Dodge Charger (the current model); Besides Jeeps, all other makes and models of SUV's; pickup trucks (virtually all makes and models, especially the 4 wheel drive ones); Infinite (particularly the G series coupe arrogant drivers); and let's not forget the bleach blond, middle-aged soccer mommies with their boob jobs and tuna lips who use their turd ugly Hummers as battering rams on us law abiding folks in traffic.

Anonymous said...

In Kokomo, Indiana it's those goddamm Dodge Ram pickups tailgating people already doing 10+ mph over the speed limit.

Anonymous said...

I can't stand Prius drivers. They are all pompous self righteous douchebags. Their cars are not even remotely green and thats whats worse. They have big heads and bad attitudes based off lies and marketing BS. May Darwin claim them and make things right with the universe once more.

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