May 24, 2012

Dear Diary: a Republican memoir


I think the libs are on to us. I was pretending to debate at this liberal website when it became clear they know our agenda.  Make a note to send an Internet virus all liberal blogs in the future. Check on automatic spam generation system.

At the school board meeting we made arrangements to ban all evolution classes and institute a strict Creationist curriculum..  We threw out all the textbooks, only the Bible is necessary. Students will pray three times a day, but only to a Christian God. Also mandated a strict high fructose corn syrup and meat lunch followed by a no-exercise period. OK'd selling Cokes and Fritos during lunch period. Got rid of the free lunch program, not interested in hungry kids' sob stories.

Took the Hummer down to the shop to have the new fuel using device installed.  Now I will get 50% less on gas mileage. The CO2 levels in the exhaust are supposed to triple!


Went by the plant. Ordered benefits cut. Laid off a dozen older workers. Instructed the Personnel Manager to make sure our benefits we no longer cover any item related to women's health. Told him to try harder to find some kids to work the line. Instructed the foreman to remove the guards from the presses. I hope to see some fingers missing by Monday. Made secret plans to ship all of the jobs overseas. Accounting informed me of a scheme to not only avoid taxes, but to steal from the workers paychecks. Called up some thugs to bust the Union Vote.

Threw some trash out my car window. Laughed at a crying Indian.


Went out to Jim's farm to help him spread chemicals on his produce so the consumers all get sick.  We plowed up some topsoil so it will blow away in the forecasted storms this weekend. We shot an endangered bear and I even bagged a spotted owl! We cut down some really old trees for no reason.  I arranged with Jim to tear down some historic buildings in town next week. Bought lunch for a Army veteran.

Refused to recycle yet again.


After church we made improvements to the concentration re-education camp we are constructing for the queers. I splurged and used a five dollar bill to light my cigar, instead of the usual Washington. I made arrangements to fly the private jet to the One Percenter conference next week. Killed a kitten for sport.


Installed a lawn jockey at the foot of the drive. .That reminds me, I have to pick up the KKK robe down at the dry cleaners. Once again, I lament that I cannot legally own slaves So I did the next best thing,  I called up Sheriff McCoy and told him to roust up a few illegals down at the Home Depot.  I suggested a good beating for the men and gave him permission to rape the women. I told the hospital not to treat anyone without insurance. Painted a women gold just to send a message to a British spy.


Had the bank foreclose on everybody.   Had my Senator arrange for fracking in the park. Asked again on the status of my strip mining permit. Kicked a homeless man. Paid some thugs to steal all of the canned goods from the food pantry. Burned some books and had sex with a hooker. Heard a report my yard man changed the oil in the mower and dumped the used oil it in the river. Sent him a bonus.


Encouraged the President to start a war. Waterboarded a teenager. Bought a new flag pin for my Church Suit. Protested down at the abortion clinic.  Handled snakes at Church. Mowed over the neighbors flower beds. Got my new monocle -- looks great with my gold headed cane. Sent over some of the boys to rough up Patrick Swayzee behind the bar. Went shooting with Ted Nugent and Dick Cheney. Told Dick to keep that tube pointed down range, ha ha. Texted a racist joke to Sarah P.  She thought it was funny. Almost missed my monthly Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Meeting. Completed the sale of some weapons to a third world dictator. Burnt a black church. Listened to Rush for the secret code words.

Another week as a typical Republican has reached its satisfying end.


Anonymous said...

Slacker! Not one baby seal pup cooked!

Erin O'Brien said...

Here's a schedule for you based on actual events, Hoose.

Monday: Round up all the lesbos and queers in an electric fence.

Tuesday: Call Jaime Dimon for tips on how to lose $5 billion and walk away with millions.

Wednesday: Attend Personhood discussion on how the use of an IUD is abortion and BCP's cause cancer.

Thursday: Shoot an unarmed mentally disabled man in "self defense."

Friday: Attend Birther meeting.

Saturday: Check mail for more insider tips like the one that warned me about Facebook's IPO.

Sunday: Go to church.

Joe said...

Clearly, I am in need of Bill Ayres recommended re-education camps.

Cappy said...

Sounds like you've had a damn good week.

Anonymous said...

Laughing my ass off. Oh shit you were serious.

Rita said...

What? You forgot one.

Forced a woman with an etopic pregnancy to bleed to death.

Anon's right. Slacker

CnC said...

Damn! I have to stop writing. Why waste my time and yours. Joe. I am not worthy!!!!

Rita said...


Anonymous said...

Too funny.

Ok... I guess, if all the (nauseating) lib pimpin' & EOB linkin' inspires stuff like this, you should definitely keep it up!

Nathan said...

EOB wouldn't know a joke if it slapped her upside the head, apparently.

Anonymous said...

Republicans not known for their jokes unless you count Dan Quayle.

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

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