May 30, 2005

The WalMart Weight Effect

I am not a skinny guy. The name of this blog is "Fat in Indiana" for goodness sake. I am 5'10" tall and weigh about 220 lbs. Not thin by any means. But I have to admit I love going to WalMart because there is some weird magnetic flux that draws fat people to shop there.

I call this phenomenon the WalMart weight effect. There cannot possibly be that many fat people. I am talking huge. They go to the store, climb into the motorized cart and their asses grow to ten times normal size. I had two experiences yesterday that emphasize my point. If it weren't for the fact that I felt duty bound as an observer of the human condition to inform you of the WalMart Weight Effect, I would have ripped out my eyes with an ice cream scoop to keep from ever seeing such things again. Collectively speaking, you all owe me one.

The first example was a female subject in her late 50s, I estimate. Hair dyed a maroon color I am sure is found nowhere in nature. She had on high heels and copious amounts of cheap jewelry. I estimate her ass was at least three feet across, but I did not have to opportunity to put a measuring tape on that caboose. She wore a thin white dress at least two sizes too small. There was no slip, you could see through the dress. I know this because I could see she was wearing black underwear. THONG UNDERWEAR.

I was leaning against a shelf in the automotive department shuddering in revulsion and holding my eyes to ease the pain. Finally I ventured out to go to sporting goods when I was nearly run over by a blond woman and her herd of kids. She was driving the motorized cart. I bet she weighed a minimum of three hundred pounds. She was probably less than thirty years old. She was driving the cart because I am sure her legs would not carry her. As I turned to follow her, I saw that her pants had slipped down into plumber's position as she climbed on the cart. Her entire crack was showing and let me tell you that was a lot of crack. I keep repeating the mantra, "OMG,OMG,OMG..., trying to keep from carrying out my one desire. I was tempted to grab a nearby miniature American Flag and plant it Mount Siribachi=style right into that yawning maw of ass crack in a celebration of Memorial Day. I am sorry I lacked the courage or crassness to do it. It would have been great.

I commit to you that from now on I will get mildly lubricated before going to WalMart. It will deaden my senses to the unnatural sights I find there. It will also give me the liquid courage to plant the Flag in appropriate spots.

Happy Day. Thank a Vet.

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