December 16, 2005

Open letter to the ladies

This is an open letter to all women, especially those between 50 and 70 years of age. It is directed specifically to the 60ish lady with the purple dyed hair who parked two spaces down from me at lunch.

If I can smell you perfume from 15 feet away it is too strong. This is especially true if we are outdoors. Purple-hair lady, you may think you are hot with your knee high rubber boots and split skirt. Who am I to judge, but your perfume nearly gagged me. I do not know who you are trying to catch, but that scent will only attract fruit bats. My goodness, do you stink so bad you need to cover your rancid stench? Try bathing.

Look, I guess some people may be attracted by perfumes and colognes. They make me woozy and sneezy and teary-eyed. Nothing can ruin a meal or a movie than some whored up and perfumed old woman infecting the air with a roses and rancid roadkill eau de cologne (that means smelly water in French).

For my opinion (valuable to all of discerning taste), the decaying fish, flowers, and fruit smell of perfume is far more clingy and annoying than cigarette smoke. Lets try creating a no-perfume section at Applebee's. Are you listening nanny-state lawmakers?

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