Help

Sometimes I think I am in this movie. Ducks are nesting in the flowerbed on the east side of my house. Doves sit on my roof and front porch by day. Geese are in the lake making noise and shitting dog-sized turds in my yard. Birds (robins and cardinals) are shitting all over my back deck. The rail is covered in shit and the decking itself is stained all over. Even the steps are splattered. One cannot lean on the rail or walk on the boards without a white offal encounter.

I wash it off and in a matter of days they have shit everywhere again. Is there any solution to get rid of these turd machines? The neighbors feed the SOBs and they come to my house to relieve themselves. Help me before I am overrun with guano.