March 29, 2007

Answers to my faithful readers

Mrs. JG asks "How can I keep my children & Mr Jose from driving me insane?"

Dear Mrs JG. You ask one of the eternal questions. You might as well ask me why is there air, what is the meaning of life, or why are turds tapered? Are there holes in your underwear? Of course, else where do you put your legs? Anyhoo, this is in the realm of HB. Like the Great Wizard of Oz, I have the answers. To keep Jose happy I suggest copious amounts of sex and beer. That great 20th Century philosopher Jeff Foxworthy summed up men's needs nicely -- 'Men want to see something nekid and have a beer.' The kids will quit driving you crazy in 15-20 years maximum. If you cannot wait, I suggest you play subliminal messages while they are sleeping encouraging them to join a traveling amusement show. A year or two spent as a carnie will give them the appreciation for you that may be missing at this time. As a side benefit the young ones will learn the secret of deep fried Twinkies and Snicker bars.

Imp asks "How do I track down that scum sucking anarchist piece of whale shit degenerate dog sucking turd eating goat fucking cowardly cunt no good son of a bitch whoreson mother fucking asshole who shit on a burning American flag, put a whoopin on his cowardly ass and get away with it? "

There are dozens of people trying to identify this asshat. I would like to suggest that there is not a court in the land that would convict you if you gave the guy the beating he deserves, but there are still Clinton and Carter appointees on the bench. I feel a little 'free speech' that involves setting the person in question on fire and then shitting on him would be in order.

Ralph asks "If I came walking up up to your front door, smelling like a bum sitting in a trashcan covered in booze and trash for day, saying my car broke down up the road , could I use your phone, but first I have to take a humongous crap, so could I use the bathroom first - would you let me in?"

No, but I would have a beer or three with you. Everyone knows those kind of special shits are best saved for a Burger King restroom.

Big Dick enquires "If you could write a novel, what would it be about?"

Well Dick, the novel in question is written in my mind, at least partially. A few chapters are finished, the balance outlined. It is the story of a young man in the early 1980's who travels the country tracing Kerouac's On the Road. He meets a variety of off the wall characters on the way. Oh, and he beats the shit out of a mime, so it cannot be all bad. The novel is supposed to be funny. My lack of skill and talent makes the work so far just pathetic. I like writing scenes, descriptions and action. I am not good at dialogue. I may publish the first chapter here again (it is in the archives somewhere). I also began a spy-type thriller where a hired assassin tries to kill the Vice President. I published the beginning of that one several weeks ago.

Cappy (hello and welcome, cappy) wants to know "What pain and torture would you propose for that scum sucking anarchist piece of whale shit degenerate dog sucking turd eating goat fucking cowardly cunt no good son of a bitch whoreson mother fucking asshole who shit on a burning American flag in Oregon recently?
Also, what is your favorite drink?"

Well, see above. In addition I would like to beat his feet with a baseball bat. What I would really like to do is take these over privileged jerkoffs to Russia, to the former Soviet Republics to interview and discuss life under a socialist government with people who lived the nightmare. I would take him to Cuba, and drop him sans money, sans ID documents to learn how good he has it here. I would send him to the Congo, not as a tourist, but penniless to live as a citizen. I would do anything to make these poor pathetic rich kids understand life is pretty damn good here these United States. After he returns, we should set him on fire and shit on him. As he is recovering from his burns, he will be allowed to read only the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution for at least two straight years, no TV, no visits, only the founding documents. When he finally grasps the true meaning of freedom and the promise of liberty represented by this country, he would be banned forever -- kicked out -- NEVER to return, like Adam and the Garden of Eden.

Orange juice, beer, Dr Pepper

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