March 8, 2007

When I am king of the forrrrresssttt

The whiny lion and his "King of the Forrest" song are my least favorite portions of the Wizard of Oz. This will be pertinent in a minute.

During my trip this week to the Second City, I was listening to my iPod in the car. I have one of those nifty devices that plays it over the radio. It works really well too. Anyway, here is the weird part -- the player was on shuffle and Neil Young's Southern Man was followed by Skynard's Sweet Home Alabama. Is that some kind of musical irony or what?

I came to another conclusion, I really hate those drivers who think they need to drive in the left lane for mile upon mile, even when the right lane is empty. Yesterday I must have come upon 15 drivers poking along in the PASSING LANE. Interestingly, the vast majority of the drivers were from Michigan.

When I am "King of all that is good and reasonable and arbiter of taste and common sense, Ruler of the Forest, the Earth and Seas" I will mount on the front of my car a huge plow. I will then just push these jerkoffs right or left and out of my path. I will clear the road for those of us who have a need to get where we are going. The passing lane will be for passing. I will also clear the city streets of those who feel the need to travel at one half the posted speed limit. I will shove aside those who cannot make up their mind at the McDonald's drive through. I shall render the streets safe from old ladies who stop at every intersection. I shall plow away the scourge of the byways -- the punk kids in their lowered Honda Civics, base blaring and thumping a hypnotic hump, hump, hump you can feel three cars away. These will be among my first acts when I am proclaimed "King of all that is good and reasonable and arbiter of taste and common sense, Ruler of the Forest, the Earth and Seas". The second will be to hunt down that faggot lion and kick his crybaby ass.

Long live the King, Long live his car plow.

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