Bad things

Here is a list of bad things that can happen to a marginally good person with a torn muscle in his lower back:

Springtime allergies (sneezes) This is the #1 bad thing -- ever
Burritos (draw your own conclusions)
coughing
hiccups
alarm clocks going off after the first good night of sleep in four days
slamming doors
funny movies and TV shows

Here are some I have not experienced but would be also very painful:

snakes in the living room
roller coaster rides
scary movies
getting goosed
getting snuck up on (is that even proper English?)and hearing Boo!
riding a tilt-a-whirl
eating sweet potatoes. They will not hurt my back, I just hate them.
surfing
entering a sack race
bobbing for apples
going to the batting cage
acrobatics class
riding a four wheeler in rough terrain
water skiing
alligators in the tub
jumping rope
practicing as a lineman with the Indianapolis Colts
running a marathon
trying to see if I can duplicate the positions from the Kama Sutra
pulling weeds
throwing ice cubes at the fucking doves sitting on my roof (not that I would do that)
picking cotton
bowling
toe touches
flamenco dancing
fire walking
waxing the car
playing Jai Alai