November 1, 2012

How do you say "I don't know" in moron?

Dear Customer X,

As I have told you repeatedly, World Headquarters for my company are just outside of New York City. They are sans power. That means no email. There are no phones. No computers. No shipping. No receiving. Things are akin to Gilligan's Island (no phones, no lights, no motor cars, its as primitive as can be).  To quote the classic 1980's commercial, "We are closed now!"

I have no way to communicate with the folks at corporate. One of the customer service reps calls me on his cell every morning to give me an update. There is no electricity. The-lights-will-not-work.

It does not matter, dear customer, how many times you call me, I can not tell you when the power will be back on. I have no control over ConEd (or whatever power company is in charge there). I am in Indiana.  I cannot tell you anything about the conditions beyond, the plant is fine -- no damage. The people are fine.  There is no fucking power. Nothing can be done. I do not know what to tell you to reassure you.

Yes, transportation -- trucks etc. -- could be a problem. I do not know. We have not tried to call in any trucks because we have no electricity. We cannot ship anything. We have not scheduled your truck for pickup because we do not know when electricity will be restored.

Calling me every hour is not going to get you answers. I have told you "I do not know" in every conceivable combination of words. Every customer is important. I will sell about $35,000,000 in widgets this year. Your $45,000 is just not worth the aggravation in the big scheme. I am this close to telling you so, you twit.


Ed Bonderenka said...

But when will I get my parts?

Joe said...


Fuzzy Curmudgeon said...

Our office just outside DC has been on the genset since about 1PM yesterday. Supposedly the parts to fix the problem with the mains arrive today and the problem will be fixed by tonight. I certainly hope that's the case, given that we've only got about 40 hours' worth of diesel.

Rita said...

Reminds me of when Hurricane Wilma came through our offices in Fort Myers. The power and opine lines were down for several days.

The idiot exec over the sales guys kept hounding our call girl (ok, she's wasn't a call girl, she was the chick over telecommunications) and asked her to contact the authorities in Fort Myers to find out when then would get the power up in out mortgage office.

Seriously. Did this jerk not realize that maybe, just maybe it's more important to get power restored to hospitals, police stations and even people's homes before they worried about some mortgage office that housed five people?

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