February 23, 2014

An American Tale

I sat down to watch a movie about Patrick Swayze. He was a kid from the wrong end of the tracks who was going to Wolverine Community College during the day and working as a bouncer in a tough bar by night. Everyone was always putting him down because they did not like his stereotype. Patrick fell in love with a doctor named Baby who wanted him to teach her to dance all awesome like only Patrick could.

There were a bunch of Spanish-speaking soldiers who were looking for Patrick and his gang, because they could dance and the soldiers couldn't. At some point Patrick kicked the Spanish soldier's resident martial arts expert's ass in a bar fight.  A girl wanted to get an abortion, and Patrick helped her make a clay pot In shop class.  This made everyone very angry and the crime bosses had an auto parts store burned down. A defiant Patrick Swayze danced with Baby in a suggestive manner. The soldiers put Patrick's dad in a concentration camp, and even worse -- the put Baby in a corner. They also ran over some cars with a giant 4-wheel drive truck.

Patrick tried to win them over with some incredible dancing, but in the end he had to round a bunch of his gang and go to war. He received coded messages from Whoopi Goldberg, who dressed up like a Wolverine in order to tell Patrick where to attack the Spanish speaking soldiers. Patrick did his amazing machine gun dance and won the war, and Baby's undying love. In the end, all of the rich white guys shook his hand and told Patrick they were wrong about him. Sadly, Patrick died at the hands of evil commies who ran a secret training center in the Catskill Mountains. In true never-give-up fashion Patrick came back as a ghost and haunted poor Baby for the rest of her life.

I might have fallen asleep at some point of the movie.


Ed Bonderenka said...

They had a Swayze marathon?

hey teacher... said...

You forgot the part where he lifts Baby up and has her spread her arms so he can use her as an antenna to send coded messages to his gang.

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