April 20, 2016

Where the heck is my safe place?

Some people are offended by chalk on the sidewalk. Others go crazy if a white dude wears hair braids. Others are offended by gays, non-gays, wannabe gays, or dudes dressing like chicks to get a cheap thrill in the ladies room. People are offended that people are offended when men shouting "Allah Akbar" start shooting up breakrooms, parties, and art shows. Some are offended that people eat pork, others are offended that a person offers a quick prayer before a meal. Everyone seems to have their tightly-whiteys pulled tight up their ass crack over something these days.

Yet no one is writing, shouting, or trying to criminalize the most offensive thing in our modern society. Yes, faithful readers, I'm talking about perfume and cologne. There is, until the coming change in weather (warmer/colder/wetter/drier/fires/ice/storms/drought) plenty of soap and water. Try a shower. You don't need to bathe in man-perfume. You may like it, but most of us think you smell like a Parisian whorehouse, and not in a good way.

Just this morning, I was deep undercover in the hinterlands of eastern Cheeseheadistan, choking down my Hampton Inn powdered eggs and watery oatmeal, when a dude plopped down at a table a few feet away. The wave of odoriferous scent slapped me in the face. It was as if Channel 3,5,7,and 9 tagged teamed with a musk ox to roll in the shattered detritus of a flower shop. Man, was it offensive.

And how about the women who find the need to surround themselves with a Pepe le Pew-like cloud of fragrance just to buy bananas and hamburger down at the local Kroger?

I find the whole overbearing fragrance issue so troubling I think I'm gonna put on a white robe and go down to the university and chalk up some slogans on the sidewalk.


Unknown said...

Well, you know 'bout lipstick and something regarding a pig, I don't get it but having said that..........................follow the smell

Anonymous said...

Take an American Flag with you, bound to piss off someone.


Fuzzy Curmudgeon said...

I was sitting at a seminar a month or so ago, minding my own damn business, when two overly-cologned women came in and sat down right behind me at the next table. The scent was unbearable, and there were no other seats left. At the break, someone left the other side of the double table I was sitting at, and I moved right the hell over there, far enough away that the scent didn't penetrate.

Personally I think perfumes and colognes should be banned as lethal weapons of mass destruction. I was lucky I didn't end up with a migraine from that.

mts1 said...

And that is why I use three totally different scents. You use one all the time, you stop smelling it. That's why people can live in a house of cat pee or wet dog smell that would gag everyone else but they don't even notice. You trade off, and you minimize the problem and avoid being That Guy.

I use unscented soap (used to be Ivory, but that dried my skin too much and I discovered an unscented olive oil soap made in Greece at a local ethnic store and never looked back), and unscented Speed Stick. I've yet to find an unscented after shave cream, and so an hour after shaving and using Neutrogena, I wipe my face with a damp paper towel and remove that scent. I don't spend $40 on a cologne to have $5 toiletries ruin the scent.

Then what everyone should do, instead or spraying the cologne on yourself, spray a cloud in front of you and walk into it. Learned that one from Esquire.


Oh, and regarding the bathroom issue: if one is going to be a tranny, be good at it, then no one will know you're in the wrong place! But we all know that allowing cross dressers access to the wrong potty isn't the issue, it's making a public show of smacking the face of the 99.5%. Maybe the 99.9%, as it's a battle in favor of trannies who are really, really bad at the job, as in the first to be fired if they auditioned for a travelling drag queen revue. If one is going to do it, go large or go home, and be one that gets you guys hitting on you when you go to the bar, and at 10 p.m. not 2 a.m. either.

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