Friday Five

Here we are, the Friday before Memorial Day. Can we all say long weekend -- Hooray. For those of you who have to work, well, it sucks to be you. The rest of us will be cooking out, drinking beer and hopefully enjoying some warm weather.

Baseball season finally started last night. For once maybe my team will not suck. The boy did not play real well. He has been great in practice. He walked and struck out (Opening day -- one hour scrimmage games that do not count). He fielded a ground ball at second for an easy out at first -- only he threw it to the dugout. Arrgghh.

Time for the Friday Five lyric contest. Are you in the right state of mind? Remember we need the title and artist for credit. No cheating by using search engines.

1. In Birmingham they love the governor
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth Sweet Home Alabama by Lynrd Skynrd -- Rey B

2.Gotta get down to it
Soldiers are cutting us down
Should have been done long ago.
What if you knew her
And found her dead on the ground
How can you run when you know? Ohio by Neil Young (CSNY) -- Dick

3.I want to wake up in the city that never sleeps
To find I'm king of the hill, top of the heap
These little town blues
Are melting away
I'll make a brand new start of it New York New York as sung by Frank Sinatra and others --Freddie

4.all the leaves are brown
and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk
on a winter's day California Dreamin' by the Mommas and the Pappas -- Rey B

5.And the devil jumped upon a hickory stump and said: "Boy let me tell you what:
"I bet you didn't know it, but I'm a fiddle player too.
"And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.
"Now you play a pretty good fiddle, boy, but give the devil his due:
"I bet a fiddle of gold against your soul, 'cos I think I'm better than you." The Devil went down to Georgia by CDB -- Freddie

bonus:

I saw her stangin' on her front lawn
Just twirlin' her baton
Me and her went for a ride sir
And ten innocent people died

From the town of Lincoln Nebraska
Aith a sawed-off .410 on my lap
Through to the badlands of Wyoming
I killed everything in my path

double bonus -- what is the theme of this week's lyric contest?

nothing

I am as empty as the gas tank on a sports car that cries for premium. Maybe tomorrow.

Its my job

I am off to see a customer I do not like, to talk about his unending bitches and complaints. This guy will always have an issue. Even worse, I do not get sales credit for dealing with this putz. Some days I love my job. Oh, and it is a two hour drive each way.

Viewmaster slides of life

High gray clouds crabwalk across the sky. Drops of rain from last night's showers make an uneven backbeat in the downspout. The coffeemaker growls in accompaniment as I hunt and peck at the keyboard. A cardinal calls his mate from the fence as a shaft of sunlight stabs through the May morning. It remains unseasonably cold and wet. We have had rain 16 of the last 20 days. As I type I am composing two emails in my mind. One for a customer explaining why I have still not submitted the quote due last Friday. Another is for the powers that be demanding the cost information I need. I am a master at multi-tasking. Always the middleman, it is my lot in life to please no one.

Shock Jocks laugh away on the radio, barely heard. As I pour the coffee into my stoneware mug I pop a little chocolate donut in my mouth. They always remind me of John Belushi and his SNL skit. In spite of my efforts, I worry about the details of life. Bills, work, to-do lists, and how I am going to manage baseball practice tonight. I can neither throw nor hit the baseball. A rabbit sits beside my African grasses. The yard needs mowed and I want to plant tomatoes. The lights on the modem flash uncaring orange and green signals confirming I am communicating with the outside world. The letters on the monitor shout their need for attention. Are you listening?

Bad things

Here is a list of bad things that can happen to a marginally good person with a torn muscle in his lower back:

Springtime allergies (sneezes) This is the #1 bad thing -- ever
Burritos (draw your own conclusions)
coughing
hiccups
alarm clocks going off after the first good night of sleep in four days
slamming doors
funny movies and TV shows

Here are some I have not experienced but would be also very painful:

snakes in the living room
roller coaster rides
scary movies
getting goosed
getting snuck up on (is that even proper English?)and hearing Boo!
riding a tilt-a-whirl
eating sweet potatoes. They will not hurt my back, I just hate them.
surfing
entering a sack race
bobbing for apples
going to the batting cage
acrobatics class
riding a four wheeler in rough terrain
water skiing
alligators in the tub
jumping rope
practicing as a lineman with the Indianapolis Colts
running a marathon
trying to see if I can duplicate the positions from the Kama Sutra
pulling weeds
throwing ice cubes at the fucking doves sitting on my roof (not that I would do that)
picking cotton
bowling
toe touches
flamenco dancing
fire walking
waxing the car
playing Jai Alai

A sore back is a pain in the ass

I broke down and went to the hospital this afternoon. After four days of pain, four days of walking in a slow shuffle listing to the right, four days of sleeping upright in a chair, four days of ice and heating pads in a failed effort of self healing, I finally sought professional help for my back pain. I am not a big fan of doctors, but things were not getting better -- in fact they were getting worse. You have no idea what it took to get me to get medical help.

So I got a shot in my right ass cheek for the pain. I got a shot in my left ass cheek to relax the muscles. I also got a prescription for pills to do the same. My back is still sore, but at least now it is a minor irritant instead of all consuming. The doctor said I was to lay down and forbid anyone but me to have the remote for the next few days. A damn fine plan, I think. The nurse said my ass was gonna hurt from the shots. She looked at my wife and said I might need the shots rubbed. The wife denies this comment was directed to her and said I could rub my own ass. See how I am babied around here? Any volunteers to massage my shots?

Weekend Funny

Friday Five volume MCXII

Last week I gave you incredibly easy lyrics. I think this week's contest will be Goldilocks (not too hard...not too easy...). This week we are working the oldies. Lets get right to it shall we?

1. My mother was a tailor
She sewed my new bluejeans
My father was a gamblin' man
Down in New Orleans
Now the only thing a gambler needs
Is a suitcase and trunk
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when he's on a drunk House of the Rising Sun by the Animals -- Sohos and others

2.HERE I COME AGAIN NOW BABY
LIKE A DOG IN HEAT
TELL IT'S ME BY THE WAY NOW BABY
I LIKE TO TAP THE STREETS
NOW I'VE BEEN SMOKING FOR SO LONG
YOU KNOW I'M HERE TO STAY Stranglehold by Ted Nugent -- Otter

3. Now every time I look at you
Something is on my mind (dat-dat-dat-dat-dat-duh)
If you do what I want you to
Baby, we'd be so fine
Oh, life could be a dream (sh-boom)
If I could take you up in paradise up above (sh-boom)
If you would tell me I'm the only one that you love
Life could be a dream sweetheart Sh-Boom by the Crew Cuts -- Mrs JG

4. People, dont you understand
The child needs a helping hand
Or hell grow to be an angry young man some day
Take a look at you and me,
Are we too blind to see,
Do we simply turn our heads
And look the other way In the Ghetto by Elvis -- Mrs Goldbloom

5. Asking only workmans wages, I come lookin for a job, but I get no offers
Just a comeon from the whores on 7th avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there The Boxer by Paul Simon -- Sohos

bonus:

Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely Stand by Your Man by Tammy Wynette -- Freddie

And that my friends, is some damn good advice.

edit. I am in a generous mood, if you guess either the artist or title I will give you credit.

I'm Back

Hola, I am back in the land of farms and flat land. Another long and boring sales meeting is in my rear view mirror. Let me insert a quick apology here. Sorry I did not call you ES, my phone was about dead (I forgot my charger)and I thought I better save it for bidnez. There were two interesting things that happened. We went go-kart racing. The high end very fast kind. It was a hoot. In one of the 7 lap qualifying heats one of the Chinese guys from the company plowed right in the back of me at more than 40 mph. He hit me so hard I flew over the tire barrier and into the wall. The impact knocked off one of my shoes, if you can believe it. It felt like someone hit me in the back with a bat. I have been in pretty severe pain since.

I still made the race for the top 11 drivers (11th starting spot!) and ended finishing 9th overall. I was fourth fastest prior to the crash and I just never was able to drive the hairpins as aggressively after I hurt my back. The pain got worse later in the night. I think I will survive though.

The second event was I found myself across from one of the big wheel mucky-mucks from the company at dinner one night. This guy was one of those North East ultra left liberals I have heard of. In all honesty, the so called liberals in the Hoosier State are pretty conservative. Anyway, I have never heard such anger and hate. This guy could have been a poster over at the Daily Kos or Democrat Underground. Usually Religion and politics are never discussed in business settings, but this guy went on and on about how he does not trust any electric voting machines because the Republicans control that industry and have written code in the software that allows the results to be manipulated. He told why we must not let any other Republican nominate a judge for the Supreme Court, and how Bush is personally to blame for every thing wrong in the world.

You would have been proud of me, peeps. I did not slam him in place with his crazy talk. I just smiled and stayed out of the fray. I just put in a few jabs on occasion. For instance when he started in on Bush causing oil to rise and that Bush was responsible for the foreclosure rate I pointed out neither were issues before we elected a Democrat-controlled Congress. Then, in a completely out of character moment for me, I let him off the hook by saying that I am not sure either crises was caused by the President or Congress, and that long-held banking policies and economics had more to do with it. He told me we never had such issues under Clinton. For the most part I let it ride. It was a real treat to meet one of these guys in real life -- kind of like seeing the snakes at the zoo.

I will be back later with a Friday Five. I hope you are ready to play.