October 31, 2005

Open letter to Mr. W.

I am writing this letter to the parent of all kids who play sports who fall into a certain category. You know who you are. Thanks for ruining my weekend asshole. For the first time in a long time you actually made me lose sleep.

We were all disappointed when the boys football team lost in the tournament. Season over. To accost me on the sidelines and tell me that if only we had given the ball to your boy more...well, it is pointless. The game and the season are over. I really tried to walk away from you. To tell me I am a lousy coach, Ok, I can live with that. To bad mouth my kid, is going too far. In order not to make an ass in front of the kids I let you go on. I should have smacked you right in the heart of your half drunk, white trash, inbred mouth. I could have done it. But let us start with some facts:

I ran 6 plays in the last three games that your boy failed to execute. He ran the wrong way, so he did not get the ball. Clearly that is my fault that your kid is so stupid he cannot remember to run three steps to the right then cut back for the ball. It is also my fault that your kid did not even come and get the ball on the sweep. We have only been doing those plays in the league for four fucking years.

It is also my fault that your kid will not block. Thanks for standing little W, and letting a cornerback blitz take our quarterback out of the game because you could not even bother to step in front. You have a bright prospect as matador. Three of the first five plays we ran yesterday were to your boy. He gained exactly negative 6 yards. You are right, I should have run him more.

Thanks for all of your help with the team Mr. W. What I find most enlightening is your criticism. I have given up 2 hour s a day three to six days a week for the last 12 weeks to coach your son. You have volunteered exactly ZERO hours, minutes or seconds. Saturday, when they were begging for parents to run the yard markers I noticed you did not step up. Great job telling me off, when you will not give up a minute. Know more than me? You might, why don't you put that Monday morning quarterback sense to work. I am sure the Colts missed out when they did not call you. To think, they gave that dream job to that chump Tony Dungy when you were available.

I have been volunteering to lead and coach kids for more than 20 years, long before I had children of my own. Am I the best at it? Maybe not. But until you are willing to step up and help, quit criticizing those that do. Sit down, take the dick out of your mouth and shut the fuck up.

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