The Irish and The French War
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down
at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that
we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, "there is myself,
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team
from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command.
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armored personnel carriers Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four boys form the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we have all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,
and decided there is no foo-kin way we can feed 200,000 prisoners
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