I come before you today, my favorite stained and faded Cubs hat in hand. I need your help and support to battle a curse, a disease that a afflicts millions of men. This disease attacks regardless of race or religion. It attacks your very limbs. Please lend your support for a new organization I have created:
Bloggers United Against Receding Ankle Hair
I am one of the legion of males afflicted with this misery. I have tried the creams, the lotions, everything. I even tried the spray hair I saw on a late night infomercial, but it made my ankles look like I had on a pair of permanent black socks. I have considered transplants, but at my age I have concerns about taking any hair from my head. Plus, I do not want my ankle hair growing long like some kind of freak human Clydesdale. Finding hair from other parts of my body that only grow short -- well that is too creepy to even consider.
What causes this horrible curse? Nobody knows. Some think it is caused by dress socks. Others claim the culprit is the steel-toed boots I wear to kick hippies. Can we blame the hightop Chuck Taylors of my misspent youth? Maybe it was those horrid tube socks from the 1980's. Maybe it is just genetics. With your help, we will create the most modern testing lab. We will have at least two test stands devoted entirely to kicking hippies with steel-toed boots: one for the ass, one for the crotch.
Until BUARAH, this condition, this affliction, this embarrassing situation was kept hidden by socks and long pants. Scientists and doctors are afraid to confront the problem. But with your help we can fight this disease. We can come out from behind our socks and proudly proclaim, I am a man. I have ankle hair.
We will overcome. Thank you in advance for your emotional support and financial contributions.