Life moves on at a relentless pace. SNL leans left of left politically, nights are a bit colder, and fall looms. Seemingly almost overnight, the tips of leaves on the neighbor's maple are turning red and orange. My trees aren't turning yet, but none are the deep vibrant green they were just a few weeks ago. Most of the wife's plants are blooming in almost desultory fashion, a few tired blooms issued for the sake of form; except the wave petunias, who just grow and bloom and grow. Clearly those plants are imbued with the reproductive prowess of a nineteen year-old.
Usually I like fall, but this year the ending of summer finds me not exactly depressed, but certainly not excited. I'm not sure of the right word, perhaps melancholy? Like everyone, my life is a juggling act. For the first time in a very long time I sense I am losing control of those balls flying through the air -- finances, work, politics, health, family. I've lost that fifteen year-old kid's ability to smirk at the world, living in a private joke all of my own, that has sustained me for four decades. I have to work at sarcasm and wit. In short, smiles are harder to come by these days.
I suspect it is just a side effect of growing up and older. For the first time health has truly impacted my life, albeit my issues are minor. Never has my health caused me to spend significant time in bed, unable to even work for days on end -- not broken bones, not brief illness, not even diabetes. This summer has been a mental trial. For the first time since I was a toddler I was unable to do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it. Taking care of someone is hard. Needing care is almost as difficult. Again, my health issues were minor. I'm not sure how I could deal with a real medical problem.
Ah, hell, cloudy days do this to me. I bet my issues could be readily fixed with a dose of nookie.
Fifteen year-old me lives!