December 6, 2017

I’m sorry, so sorry

I often dwell on stuff in the past that cannot be changed: old actions, conversations, or decisions I did, said, or took. I don’t know why. There are certainly a slew of mistakes in my past. I have plenty of regrets. Is it strange to worry about things already in the past? I spend little effort worrying about the here and now, less on next week, month, and year. But I worry about the coulda, woulda, and especially the shoulda. Am I unique in this?

While not a planner per se, I am not overly impulsive either. In my youth I was more likely to do stuff on the spur of the moment, sometimes regrettable stuff, but no more than any other immature kid. For some reason I still waste time replaying that old movie about my past in my head, hoping for a different script this time.

Since the discussion has been a bit obtuse to this point, let me share a couple of examples.

I was walking along over the weekend, music droning in my headphones. Suddenly my brain replayed an argument I had with a parent back in my youth football coaching days. He didn’t think his kid was playing enough, blah, blah. I should have walked away. Why didn’t I walk away? Why am I worrying about it now, a decade or more later?

I have always been good a reading out loud. It is harder than you think, and listening to someone who is not good at it is painful. I honed the skill reading to the kids during story hour back when I was a librarian (a tale for another day). Last week, my daughter asked me to read a poem at the funeral. I mumbled over some words, paused when I shouldn’t have. I know I have excuses. The poem was emotional, the situation unbearable. I still read it through fine, but it sounded like I was reading it, if that makes sense. The personal emotions I was feeling doesn’t change the fact I wanted to do it right and didn’t. I redo that reading in my head every day. To what point?

My life is filled with regrets, great and small. The mistakes I have made are legion. I don’t know why I rehash them. Maybe God is sending a message that I need to really repent. Maybe there is something wired wrong in my brain, that I would prefer to live in the past. Maybe this post will be evidence in my future commitment hearing. Maybe I will delete it in a few hours.

I’ll likely regret that too.


hey teacher... said...

Read aloud to your grand-daughter as much as you can. That may help to erase the regret you have about your poetry reading, and even if it doesn’t you’ll have those memories to play back. Now, onto this librarian thing...

Joe said...

I read to all of my kids...every night, even after they could read themselves.

For some reason my granddaughter prefers my wife to read to her. Oh well, as long as the books are being read

J A said...

I too rehash the past. Occasionally some little thing will remind me of something and off I go. When this happens I consciously work to get it out of my mind. Sometimes I mention past actions to one of my children in preparation to apologizing when much to my surprise they have no memory of it or remember it much differently. I wish there was a way to control these thoughts. it does give me some comfort to know I am not the only one this happens to. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

We all have memories , some good, some bad, that is what makes us who we are. We learn from the past, we have no choice, there is nothing we can do to change the past. Self examination is a good thing, but memories are always one sided, there is always another side we don't know about.

James Old GUy

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