November 18, 2006

For my friends in "da Region"

This was sent to me in an email. I do not know if the stereotypes are right or not.

Mattel has introduced Barbie dolls for different regions and towns in
Northwest Indiana.. Be sure to show your Hoosier pride and collect them all!!

Portage Barbie
This version has it all; tattoo of a snake on her upper thigh, every eye
shadow shade Maybelline has ever made, a can of Aqua Net, and two sets of
keys for her double-wide. Optional accessories: Sidewalks and a pick up.
Bumper sticker that says "My kid can beat up your honors student" sold
separately.

Lowell Barbie
This model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt,
big hair, a six pack of Coors Light, and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She
can spit over 5 feet and can kick Ken's ass when she's drunk.
A pickup is available with Confederate flag bumper stickers.

Hammond Barbie
Comes complete with four
monogrammed bowling shirts. Talking version brags of having the best
handicap in Lake County and of being able to drink Ken under the
table. Accessories include a six-pack of
Pabst Blue Ribbon, a pack of Marlboro Lights, Harley wardrobe, and an IROC Camaro with T-tops on crates in the driveway.

East Chicago Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis
knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows
and, my favorite, Meth Lab Ken.
Talking version also speaks Spanish and includes two sons: Cesar, star of
his high school soccer team; and Jose, wanted in four states.

Valpo Barbie
This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus, BMW, or a
Hummer H2, gets lost easily, and has no full-time occupation or
post-secondary education.
Cell phone sold separately. Optional: matching gym outfit.

Briar Ridge Barbie
This true blonde drives a Land Rover (sold
separately ). She is originally from Illinois' noth shore. She has an MBA from Northwestern but has never worked
outside the home. Her child's stroller is bigger than your house and her
tennis trophies are discreetly hidden behind CEO Ken's golf trophies. She
knows enough Spanish to talk with the nanny.

St. John Barbie
This Barbie and her husband "Kenneth" used to live in the south suburbs of Chicago, but fled for "better schools." Comes with a faux Louis Vuitton
handbag, a new Convertible Beetle, Starbucks
cup, Target credit card, pill case filled with an assortment of the latest therapist-prescribed mood elevators. Lake Central sweatshirt and furniture for her 3,500 square foot house sold on special order.
..
Crown Point Barbie
This is a grown-up version of Barbie with three ki ds, all of whom got
straight A's in school, 36's on the ACT, and college scholarships because
they were the best on the team. Includes blowhard husband Ken, who is
seen and heard at every little league game; daughter Amber, head
cheerleader; and son Ken, Jr., the captain of the football team.
The standard version comes with a Ford Windstar, and an assortment of Kate Spade knockoffs bought at a house party.The talking version says "Not MY kid. He wouldn't do that," The deluxe version comes with faux fur and a home in White Hawk that
will never be paid off in their lifetime.

Gary Barbie
This bee-tch of a Barbie comes with a knife to stab other Barbies in the
back, $500 coach bag, and seven children (sold separately).
Goes by the name of Barbeequa and for one low price, includes all of her
sistahs: Midgeequa, Jauneequa, Shaneequa, Taneequa,and Lulu; and all of
her brothers, Leroy, Willie (gold toof extra), Tyro ne 'n em. Bling-bling sold separately.

Dyer Barbie
This Barbie actually comes in two variations. One has long gray hair,
arch-less feet, Berkenstocks, no makeup and a mutt. Second version comes with a boy haircut, brown-highlighted hair, Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt and cargos, combat
boots and a pitbull.

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