Pop Tarts and the Nanny State

A watchdog group is pissed at the Kellogg's Company. They are mad because Pop Tarts claims on the front of the box to contain real fruit. It is not that Pop Tarts don't contain real fruit -- they do. It is that the popinjays at the CARU insist Pop Tarts do not have enough real fruit to warrant the claim on the box. CARU also has an issue with the giant strawberries on the Strawberry Pop Tart box. I think it is there because they are fucking Strawberry Pop Tarts -- it allows morons to know they are buying Pop Tarts with Strawberry filling. Not even the most ignorant mouth breathing Obama voter could believe Strawberry Pop Tarts are made with giant mutant strawberries. The image of the Pop tart itself is not to scale either.

If CARU is really concerned about truth in advertising why doesn't the food at Denny's look like the picture on the damn menu? Why are the fries never hot at McDonald's? Why don't the chicks (or men) look like their pictures on Internet dating sites? Why doesn't that spray-on hair restorer look like hair instead of spray paint? Now there are some things to "watchdog".

Have these nitwits ever eaten a Pop Tart? After one bite every four year old can tell they have just enough fruit to allow you to swallow the dried out flour pastry. Jeebus, go after them for claiming to be a tart -- it would make more sense.

CARU claims it tries to protect children from false advertising. Sorry, I am certain children are aware that My Little Pony does not shit rainbows and that toy airplanes will not fly themselves.

Look, kids are not dumb. Only an asshole rotten parent would sue a toy company thinking a toy plane could really fly. It is parents looking for a quick buck or the attention they did not get when they went on Jerry Springer that sue over that kind of bullshit. You know, the typical of swindler that "slips" at the grocery store and sues.

When I was a kid I knew G.I. Joe did not come with that lush jungle and running river seen in the advertisement. I had to play with him in my bedroom or on the grass out back. When your sister got the Barbie Beach House there was no ocean or sand for her to pose and frolic around in.

I knew the only way you play with your Matchbox cars and Hot Wheels was to stage that big pileup on I-80 by smashing the toy cars with a hammer, soaking them in lighter fluid and setting the whole shebang on fire. In other words, using your imagination. Not that I would ever actually ruin my toys like that...

We did not need some nosy nellie watchdogs to tell us what was what. Our parents told us when something was a scam. If we ignored them and wasted our money, well, we learned a lesson. Caveat Empter. Mom would tell us that new cereal based on a movie would taste like cardboard. We insisted. We had to eat that whole shitty box of crumpled and crushed drywall and a lesson was learned.

Kids do not expect to see fruit oozing from a Pop Tart. The nanny state will soon dictate that all packaging consist of a white box with mere descriptions. Instead of Pop Tart we will see Pastry-like snack. Suitable for breakfast on the go, afternoon after school snacks and to relieve post medical marijuana munchies. Maybe it will just be a basic list of nutrients and a Material Safety Data Sheet for every item you purchase. Beer will just be a Fermented Hop and Barley drink, followed by a two page list of the inherit dangers of the product. Food will start to look like the side of a drug package.

The real issue -- I suspect these guys want to ban Pop Tarts. If interfering assholes like this get their way we will eat only bland tofu and dirt burgers. For excitement we might get a carrot stick --but only if grown from an organic garden.