I am exactly the same size and weight as a crash test dummy.

 I’m slow to the blog this morning. No reason, I just slept late again. The dog is intensely staring at me in vain hope I will share my breakfast. I don’t think it is the coffee he covets as much as the beef jerky. Yes, you read that correctly. Do I judge you? 

OK, sometimes. Especially if you eat loathsome sweet potatoes. Or vegetarian hamburger. Maybe just a wee bit if you put ketchup on a hot dog…I better stop, I judge people a lot. 

Perhaps “judge” isn’t the correct word. I just know what is right and proper and what is not. As arbiter of good taste and decency, I could let you know if you are ever in doubt. 

Wait, how strange is this? I just got an email. Reader Chris writes My hot girlfriend doesn’t like Ranch dressing so…[insert sound of record scratching] stop right there. Just dump her if she doesn’t like Ranch. She probably also votes Democrat and carries around a purse dog of some sort.

And yet another: Dear Joe, my husband is a great provider, a wonderful father, and a Yankees fan…[screech] Divorce him. All Yankee fans are assholes. 

One more: Dear Joe, with the climate crisis getting increasingly worse…[Screech, thump, boing, thwack, bang] Get off my blog. “Increasingly worse” is repetitively redundant. Explain what made the glaciers melt and the Medieval warming period and I might buy into your were all gonna die climate cult. BTW, aren’t we past Al Gores point of no return already? 

That is enough for today. I’m always here if you need help figuring how to live the good life. God, guns, good food, and small government are all a pretty firm basis for living life right. But go ahead and ask me if you are not sure.