Old guys at the doctor

Three elderly men are at the doctor’s office for a memory test.

The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”

“274,” came the reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man,

“It’s your turn. What is three times three?”

“Tuesday,” replies the second man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man,

“Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”

“Nine,” says the third man.

“That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”

“Simple,” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”

Getting spicy at the pepper mill

It was a lazy Sunday for me. The local football time was off yesterday. I watched snippets of a game or two, mostly I watched a couple of movies. I vacuumed everywhere, I put some stuff in the attic. Supper was as easy as can be; I dropped a chuck roast in the crock pot. A couple of hours before dinner I peeled a couple of spuds and added them.  I heated  a couple of frozen dinner rolls in the oven and a can of corn on the stove. That is about as no-effort as one could expect for a dinner. I dragged out the Christmas dishes, because why not? Those all had to be hand-washed but since so little effort went into what turned out to be a great meal, who cares? 

In all it was a borrrring Sunday. 

I hope your weekend was good, now back to work, it is Monday.

Mom and Dad had this album.

Where are the presents?

 

dressed in holiday style

We find ourselves staring at the little blinking cursor on this gloomy Saturday morning. In a stream of consciousness word salad, I wonder why the androgynous Me Me Mes like to refer to themselves as “they” instead of a more egocentric “we”? It would sure be easier to absorb grammatically. To be honest, I don’t see me addressing any singular person as “they”. If you think you are multiple people then you need help. Please note I used the “we” to start this paragraph as a sarcastic Royal “We”. I don’t normally refer to myself in the third person, yet it is still perfectly acceptable for you to call me Your Royal Highness. 

One of the downsides of working from home is that your work is always “there”. It is with great self-control that I don’t head up to the office and work today. I put in more than ten hours yesterday —completely destroying the stereotypical perception of how a sales guy spends a Friday afternoon. 

We are starting negotiations with Really Big Customer and there are numerous spreadsheets and number crunches and beaucoup analysis under construction. I hate to leave off in the middle, and that is especially true when a weekend intervenes. I’ve taken this highway many times in the past. I’ll bust my hump over the next few work days, putting in ten or twelve hours getting the analysis done well before the deadline. Then I’ll present it to my boss and other interested parties who will get back to me in their own good time. I can’t help myself. I have a bulldog mentality that keeps me focused on a project until it is finished. 

Sometimes that bulldog in me is good. I attack a problem and get things done. Occasionally, it is a detriment as I can’t let things go. You might have seen that aspect of my personality on occasion here at the old blog. I have worked to mitigate that trait over the years, ever since I overheard  a supervisor describe me as a bulldog to a high-up corporate type early in my career. The boss was highly flattering and critical in the same conversation. They didn’t know I was in the next cubicle, they thought I was at lunch. I skipped my break to work on a problem. I was customer service manager for a widget factory in a Fortune 500 company at the time. I was still less than thirty years old. 

That’s enough rambling about me, even though it is a fascinating subject. I’m pretty sure you stopped by for the Christmas music, didn’t you?

Ahhhh! We are all gonna die!

Recent headlines proclaimed we have only a handful of years (yet again) to adopt draconian climate control measures or life as we know is over. Climate experts flew in their private jets to Saudi Arabia to lecture us on our wastefulness. I am sure you saw the headlines.

Yesterday I read an article about the discovery of ancient DNA beneath the permafrost in Greenland. Part of the story contained this gem:

Previous paleoclimatic records show the ancient ecosystem was 10 to 17 degrees Celsius (18 to 31 degrees Fahrenheit) warmer than modern-day Greenland. The DNA evidence could provide researchers clues on how these life-forms survived under extreme temperatures.

Yet the climateers claim we have to be concerned over a potential 1.5 C increase in temperatures over the next century. Mastodons roamed Greenland near the Arctic Circle, but we are doomed? 

Has anyone noticed every single climate proposal results in transferring money to poor countries at the expense of more prosperous nations?

Original Oiled Onionskin Origami

 Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger, Again he is ready for more ‘action’.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.

I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.

You are truly a great lover, Roger.’

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:

‘You mean I was here already?’

Infamy

 Eighty one years ago Japan launched a sneak attack on Pearl Harbor launching us into WWII. 

Except for old people or history buffs like me, I am not sure the day lives on in infamy too much.

And that is sad. 

Just wash that shirt already

If I have learn d anything over the past year or so it is that I need to cast aside superstition. It seems the shirt I wear, or the smelly socks I pull on, or the hat on my head has nothing whatsoever to do with the final score of a given athletic contest.

Who would have thought?

The feel and precision of a chainsaw

 

More from the Sharper Image catalog.

Is “precision” what comes to mind when you think of a chainsaw? This seems more like an old SNL (back when it was funny) skit than a real product.

There'll be much mistltoeing

Whew! It is windy today; yesterday too.  One of he wreaths blew off a second story window so it will be back up the ladder when the strong winds die down. The wreath that blew down was one from the lighted window at the center of the house. On the upstairs left is my office. Those windows sport holiday wreaths too.

We motored down with my daughter’s family to see the Christmas Light spectacle at the State Fairgrounds last night. The grandgirls loved it. I dug it myself. 

The weather is expected to clear by early afternoon, but it will not climb out of the thirties. I could rake the heavy layer of leaves blanketing the backyard. I could stay inside where it is warm...too bad that privacy fence keeps those leaves from blowing away on blustery days like this. So it goes. Yes, there are a few leaves in front too. No need to point it out.

Have a great Saturday. Here is a little music to get you in the mood. You didn’t think I’d forget did you?

That ain’t no Hank Williams song

 A typical cattle drive lasted three to five months in the old west. A cowboy made around forty bucks for tedious and often dangerous work. One of the longest cattle drives ever was fraught with danger. Rustlers, corrupt townspeople, marauding Indians, and nasty weather plagued one big herd during its nearly eight year drive. 

The cattle drive was helmed by Gil Favor who kept his cows and his cowboys under a firm hand as trail boss. Young cowboy Rowdy Yates was often delegated to help handle trouble along the way. 

I am, of course, talking about the TV series Rawhide. Airing from 1959 to 1965 the series was the sixth longest running American western according to Wikipedia. The series made a star of young Clint Eastwood who portrayed Rowdy Yates. The series’ 217 episodes were all filmed in black and white.

The best part of the series was the theme song and obviously the reason I’m writing about Rawhide today.

Who can forget the great Blues Brothers cover:

And poof! They were gone

Let’s see: cold, very windy, spaghetti for dinner last night, work, had the retina bleeders tasered in my other eye yesterday, Biden is an idiot, the Colts suck, and Christmas decorations. The usual topics are covered in as much detail as you care to have. 

I’m watching the neighbors leave for work, house after house. I will momentarily walk from my recliner to my desk to start my work day. It is a commute of about seven feet. No shrugging into a heavy coat and huddling in a cold vehicle while the heater warms up for me. 

Yesterday, I was rooting around in a large mass of files my boss sent me after I was hired. I found the folder I wanted, clicked to unzip the file and blippity blop all of the files are gone. Kaput. I looked for the original email with the drop box link and I cannot find it either. I know I put it in an email folder so I could “easily “ find it again; where? I don’t know. Now you know my task for this morning — recover those files. 

Have a great Wednesday.

Old old old

 Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist’s office.

Martin says to the dentist,

“Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my carwaiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb.

I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!

Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:15 already…

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”

So the dentist asks Martin, “Which tooth is it sir?”

Martin turned to his wife and said,

“Open your mouth and show him dear…….”

Great quality control Target

 

Old Ladies

 Two little old ladies, Connie, and Jean, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The short one, Jean, leaned over and said, “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show”!
“You’re on!” said Connie, holding up a $10 bill.

So, Jean slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes.

She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.
Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling Jean came through the exit door to the sounds of a cheering, clapping crowd.

“What happened?” asked Connie.

“I won $1,000 as 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement’!”

Soon the bells will start

I slept in this morning. I’m a tad late to the old blog. This demonstrates the freshness of the prose. No canned post for you today. 

Don’t you feel special? 

I put up the outside lights Wednesday afternoon. I plugged in every string to make sure they worked before hanging them on the roofline. When I turned them on after I was done, one section was out. I might have muttered curse words under my breath. Of course, the recalcitrant section was in the middle, right over my front door, so it was glaringly obvious. We went after dinner Wednesday night to find another set. 

Yesterday, I replaced the bad set of lights. After we went to the cemetery for my grandson’s birthday we came home and started working on the inside decorations. We put lighted garland up the stairs. And I helped the wife with some other stuff. She decorates the whole house into a Christmas wonderland straight out of a set for a Hallmark movie. 

It is now Saturday and we will probably do more decorating and cleaning today. I don’t mind, anything is better than raking the mass of leaves in the backyard. 

In the spirit of things:

It has been five years

 

Happy Birthday, Little One.

Happy Thanksgiving

 

Best wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving. 

Thank you for reading. You have no idea what it means to me.

over the river and through the woods

No hump day for me this week. My work week ended yesterday with an evening conference call to China. I’m off work until Monday!

That just means I’m off paid work. I still have work to do here. The Christmas stuff has to be drug from the attic. I will put up the outside lights today. I will help the wife do the inside. We have to wrap lighted garland up the stairway, put up another tree, and clean in general. 

Tomorrow I have to make several side dishes to take to my daughter’s for the thanksgiving feast. She is having 15 or 16 people for dinner. I couldn’t get that many people in my house. It occurs to me, as the lyric from the title song to this post run through my head, that I do, indeed have to go over the river and through a woods (albeit a sparse one) to get to thanksgiving dinner. I won’t be going to grandmother’s house, but rather to granddaughter’s house and that fits the tune as well.

If the rain holds off I have a backyard full of leaves to rake at some point. 

It will be nice to be off work.

Now, some sad news. Since Thursday is Thanksgiving, I will not be posting a theme song Thursday feature. I know. Your sad face says it all. Be brave. 

Enjoy your day.

If there is ever a time to listen to my advice

I am not the smartest man in the world. No one would ever accuse me of being romantic. There will never be a Hallmark movie based on my life. When it comes to gift giving I rely heavily on the wife telling me specifically what to get her. 

I have been married for nearly forty years and I know one thing, do not pay attention to this ad in the Sharper image catalog, I do not care if it is on the “Gifts for her” page:

Click to embggen

Let me zoom in:

Do not buy this as a gift for your wife, mother daughter, girlfriend, or partner. Trust me here guys.