New Look

I tried some new clothes on the old blog today. I think a dark color is in order to match my mood and the season. Let me know what you think.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

I had to go to the Doctor Friday

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?

He asked, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied.

"I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,

hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a damn if you live to be 90?

Sent to me by Otter.

Sorry for lack of posts over the weekend. My home computer has been infected with a Vundo Trojan virus. I cannot get rid of it. I ran five DIFFERENT anti-virus and anti-spyware software programs, used the symantec virus removal tool at least 6 times. I spent nearly 20 hours from Friday to last night to no avail. All that is left is manually going into the registry and wiping out the virus line by line and I do not feel comfortable with that at all. I guess I will have to pay someone to get rid of it unless any of you have a suggestion.

Colts win, Wabash wins round one of the Division III NCAA playoffs (Why can't the NCAA adopt this nearly perfect playoff system to Division I)

weekend cartoon

Just another tequila night

The apartment building was of two wings, 8 apartments on each wing. There were four upstairs, four below. We lived in the west wing, upstairs. Our neighbors were similar, all in the middle twenties, recently married, no kids. We had a good time, often partying together or separate on weekends. One summer day we got the bright idea we would have a floor party. One couple was moving out, so we had the perfect excuse. All of the apartments would be open, there would be food, fun and alcohol.

The big Saturday rolled around and I began to get ready for the party in my typical fashion -- drinking beer hours before the party was set to begin. I helped my wife fix some food, I helped myself to a beer. She ran to the grocery to get last minute snack items, I had a beer. You get the picture. After a while my buddy came over from across the hall. I am sure we had a couple of beers.

The party started rolling early, as we were setting up card tables in the hall with food and snacks, the coolers were filled. The music was turned up on the stereo. We were drinking as we set up the party, so it had sort of a rolling start. Cigars were lit and smoked. Beer was consumed. The ladies had mixed drinks, wine coolers, whatever. Soon the tequila was brought out. We started doing tequila shots and upsidedown margaritas. The party was in full swing. As the hours went by more people showed up. A good time was being had by all until we realized we were out of tequila. One of the party goers went for more.

While he was gone several people started doing slammers. Half a shot of whiskey, half of coke. You place your hand over the top and slam it down then drink the fizzy shot. That drink was not for me, I hate whiskey (a tale for another time). I had a few more beers. The guy came back with a new bottle of hooch. We all cheered until he fell coming up the stairs and broke the bottle. We decided to head back to the liquor store. I agreed to go along to navigate. By the time we got to the liquor store I became convinced the bottle had been defective. I presented my case to the clerk that the bottle "just exploded", we needed a replacement. I am pretty sure I was really belligerent. Finally she gave us a bottle (I am sure just to get us to leave). On the way back home we got lost. I had lived in this same little Hoosier town my whole life, I knew every street, every alley. It seemed we were in a new part of town. Finally we made it back to the apartment from the liquor store 1/2 mile away. "Dude, I got lost", I told everyone. It was decided we needed a few more tequila shooters.

After a while I headed outside for some air. Man, what a party. I had been drinking half the night. My wife came out to sit with me. I remember laying my head in her lap. A little while later I apparently puked on her. She and my friends put me to bed. I had not been sick since my 21st birthday, but hey, I had been drinking since about noon. What do you expect when you drink into the wee hours of the morning.

Sunday dawned early, I was hungover and had the shakes. I vaguely remembered getting sick the previous night. I appologized to my lovely bride. "Whoa, what a party", I asked. "What time did we go to bed?" She said she had gone to bed around 1:00 am. I stated that I thought it was later than that. She said, no SHE went to bed around one, I was in bed by 8:30.

I hate fucking tequila.

WOT, Poll Numbers, and Where Do We Go From Here?

Go read the delftsman for a little perspective regarding President Bush and the WOT. The Emigre has not been posting much lately (and we are all saddened by it) but what he has to say is well worth the wait!




edit: Now if we could only get mamamontezz to start blogging again!

Think how close we came to really screwing the pooch

I heard yesterday that Al Gore has stated that "Global Warming and the Environmental Crisis" is a greater danger than terrorism. Think, not only did some of you dumbasses actually vote for this wackjob, but he ALMOST won.

If you voted for Gore, you should cut off you voting arm, scoop out your eyes with a melon baller, and pledge to never vote or breed again(upon pain of torture and death), for the sake of humanity. That is all.

Culture Quiz -- The Hoosierboy responds

Thank you to all those who participated, I will be checking out your suggestions for movies, books, and recordings over the next few months. Here is how I would answer:

1. What music are you listening to right now?
I am starting to listen to Christmas music, but Neil Young's greatest hits is in my home CD player
bonus: how -- stereo, car, Ipod, etc.? stereo, mp3 player
2. What is your current favorite movie (or what is the last movie you saw/bought, rented etc.)? Christmas with the Kranks was the last movie I saw, favorites lately include Master and Commander and Jeremiah Johnson
3. What are you reading right now? Torpedo Juice by Tim Dorsey (2nd time), To the Last Man by Jeff Shaara (just finished) Sharpe's Trafalgar by Bernard Cornwell (just finished)
4. Who is your favorite author? Patrick O'Brian, WEB griffin, Stephen Coonts, Louis L'Amour
5. Name an album (cd) you would recommend? Yessongs by Yes
6. Name a book you would recommend? Time to Hunt by Stephen Hunter will leave you breathless. Flight of the Intruder by Stephen Coonts
7. Name three movies everyone should see. Zulu, The Blues Brothers, The Godfather
8. What is your favorite sport? baseball, football
9. Toilet paper -- roll off the top or off the bottom?top
10. What make / model/ color of car do you drive? Dodge Durango

and Mary Ann. I am also pretty sure the professor was shagging them both And Mrs. Howell.

Does the Democrat Party have any shame at all?

Go and read this. Tell me that Democrats are not just lying pieces of shit that will do anything to gain power, including selling out our country and military.

Here is an excerpt:

In 1998, Sen. Carl Levin And Twenty-Six Other Senators Urged President Clinton "To Take Necessary Actions" In Response To Iraq's Weapons Of Mass Destruction Programs. LEVIN: "Mr. President, today, along with Senators McCain, Lieberman, Hutchison and twenty-three other Senators, I am sending a letter to the President to express our concern over Iraq's actions and urging the President 'after consulting with Congress, and consistent with the U.S. Constitution and laws, to take necessary actions (including, if appropriate, air and missile strikes on suspect Iraqi sites) to respond effectively to the threat posed by Iraq's refusal to end its weapons of mass destruction programs.'" (Sen. Carl Levin, Congressional Record, 10/9/98)

Fourteen Democrats, Including Then-Senate Democrat Leader Tom Daschle And 2004 Presidential Nominee John Kerry, Signed The Letter To President Clinton: ("Letter To President Clinton," as Entered Into The Congressional Record By Sen. Carl Levin, 10/9/98)

Carl Levin (D-Mich.) Joe Lieberman (D-Conn.)
Frank Lautenberg (D-N.J.) Chris Dodd (D-Conn.)
Bob Kerrey (D-Neb.) Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.)
Barbara Mikulski (D-Md.) Thomas Daschle (D-S.D.)
John Breaux (D-La.) Tim Johnson (D-S.D.)
Daniel Inouye (D-Hawaii) Mary Landrieu (D-La.)
Wendell Ford (D-Ky.) John Kerry (D-Mass.)

Yet many of the same mofos are now calling for the President's head and calling him a liar. Do these people have no shame? If you continue to vote for people like these asshats, I think you are a dumbass. If you think the President lied about the reasons for going to war, you are an ignorant dumbass.

Culture Quiz

I am stuck in the 1970s, musically. I often wonder what am I missing out there. Enlighten me, readers. here is you chance to enlighten a poor Hoosierboy cracker on the culture I might be missing. Here is today's Hoosierboy culture quiz:


1. What music are you listening to right now?
bonus: how -- stereo, car, Ipod, etc.?
2. What is your current favorite movie (or what is the last movie you saw/bought, rented etc.)?
3. What are you reading right now?
4. Who is your favorite author?
5. Name an album (cd) you would recommend?
6. Name a book you would recommend?
7. Name three movies everyone should see.
8. What is your favorite sport?
9. Toilet paper -- roll off the top or off the bottom?
10. What make / model/ color of car do you drive?

You may have multiple answers for each question.

Come on, I want to know, answer in the comments, encourage your friends. Only YOU can expose me to culture. I will give my answers tommorrow.

Why do we need gay marriage?

I have lived my whole life in Indiana. Some of you will find that incredible. I have not lived in the big city. I have been to New York, to Philadelphia, Chicago, Houston, LA. I do not like those places. Am I a hick? By most standards, probably. Do I lack the urbane sophistication of the metropolitan citizen? Again, the answer is likely yes.

I can discuss wine, literature, history or sports. I can carry on a dialogue on politics or religion. I am capable of intellectual discourse on many a subject.

I would like to have a dialogue here on the old blog about a subject where I admittedly ignorant. It is my firm position that the government has no business sanctioning marriage. I think it is a holy bond between two people. I will also admit I am a lot less tolerant to the gay/homosexual lifestyle than I was in the past. Formerly, it was my policy that what two people did between the sheets was their own business. I guess I was a believer in the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I feel the same way about people who are into feet, or stuffed animals , or football mascots. Whatever floats your boat, baby. Today I feel I am bombarded on every front by the gay agenda. It is presented in every TV show, every movie. We are assaulted by it everywhere we look. I am tired of it.

Several years ago we were at a Hard Rock Cafe. As we are coming down the red carpeted steps the couple in front of us stopped to engage in a deep, tongue thrashing kiss and grope session. I do not condone this behavior from anyone. I did not like being put into the position of trying to explain to my 7 year old why "those two women was kissing like that?" Both turned upon hearing the little voice and blocked the stairs waiting to hear my explanation, expectant anger already on their faces. I told him that sometimes there were girls who liked girls better than boys. He wanted to know "Why would they do that?" I said we would talk about it later, and thankfully his little boy mind was filled with more interesting ideas. Somehow I feel I failed him. The women were poised for a confrontation. I left feeling like a coward and a failure because I could not explain what I did not understand to a little boy.

There is a great deal of discussion lately about gay marriage. I am not sure why it has become so important to the gay crowd. I have a firm definition in my mind of what makes a marriage, but I am willing to listen to reason. I hear that homosexuals need the legal protections. I am seriously asking for someone to 'splain it to me. What legal and civil protections will be available to gays that they cannot get now through wills, and other legal documents? I can name whomever I choose to be a beneficiary to my insurance. I can name a guardian, in case I am incapacitated, I can spell out my wishes in a living will. A gay couple cannot be covered under a family life insurance in some cases, but neither can a live in couple. Is that it?

I would like to encourage a real dialogue in the comments about this subject -- free of religion and moral condemnation. Please, someone convince me why we need to offer special rights someone based solely on sexual preference.

Get on Board, show your support

Why I Wear the Brown Ribbon



Because diarrhea affects over 30 million Americans every day, and because I am one of them.

Because just like AIDS and breast cancer, diarrhea can only be conquered by self-righteous fashion accessories.

Because I thought “outside the bun” for lunch yesterday and had to make two separate stops on my way back to the office.

Because diarrhea doesn’t care whether you’re black, white, young, old, male, female, gay or totally gay.

Because when I walk into the men’s room at work and hear what sounds like an M-16 going off, I know that one of my co-workers is making a trip to brown town, and because I will not let him walk alone.

Because from now until December 15, every $5 donation to Mud Blowers Anonymous will be matched dollar for dollar by both Hershey’s and the makers of Imodium A-D.

Because I once had the runs during a soccer game in high school and faked an injury so I could go make hot potty in the locker room.

Because they haven’t made a ribbon for blue balls yet.

Because some people think it’s funny, but it’s really brown and runny.

Because this kid at summer camp once got hit with the ’rhea during free swim, and although I laughed at him and called him “Doody Bombs” for the rest of the summer like everyone else, I felt kind of bad about it when I heard that he killed himself several years later.

Because raising diarrhea awareness isn’t “someone else’s job” – it’s everyone’s job.

Because when the rest of the audience howled with delight at that scene in “Dumb and Dumber,” I cried a single tear of shame.

Because Bam Margera and Steve-O from “Jackass” are wearing them.

Because if enough people start wearing them, it’s possible that there might actually be some kind of “Labor Day Diarrheathon” or a 5K “Run for the Runs” in Central Park – either of which would be even funnier than the Special Olympics.

Because it is incomprehensible to me that anyone anywhere could ever have a need for laxatives.

Because millions of diarrhea victims are hiding in the shadows, afraid to seek treatment for fear of being snickered at by the cashier during checkout.

And because none of us will be truly free until every last one of us can spend a night slamming down bran muffins and prunes without fear.

That’s why I'm proud to wear the Official Diarrhea Awareness Ribbon, along with the “Live Solid and Well-Formed” bracelet.

And that's why I'd like you to join me in the fight against this sphincter-scorching menace. Together, we can make a difference.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALLI

Today is the wonderful and talented Alli's TWENTY-FIRST Birthday. Go an give her comments and congats. I have never asked anything from you, my favorite reader, but now I ask that you overwhelm her with comments. Please.

Happy day Alli, and I offer this advise from my own 21st many years ago -- do not drink banana daiquiris after vodka gimlets after beer. Believe me when I tell you a brandy alexander is not a good idea -- ever.

Weekend Cartoon III

This is for Jim at PRS

Going out partying tonight?

This is what happens when you drink too much on a Saturday night. This is a public service warning from your Hoosier Correspondent.

Beer drinking issues -- problem solving

Here are the symptoms and corrective actions to take when drinking beer:

Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.


Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Glass empty.
Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself latched to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts
You have fallen forward.
See above.

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred.
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Floor moving.
You are being carried out.
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark.
Bar has closed.
Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Cover mouth.



Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
You are dancing on the table.
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Beer is crystal-clear.
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Punch him.



Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
You have been in a fight.
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
You've wandered into the wrong party.
See if they have free beer.

Your singing sounds distorted.
The beer is too weak.
Have more beer until your voice improves.



Don't remember the words to the song.
Beer is just right.
Play air guitar.

An open letter to all veterans

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.


11:11 am, November 11, 1918.
Rauol Lufbury, Eddie Rickenbacker, Alvin York, Blackjack Pershing, Bellau Wood, St. Mihail Salient, George Patton, George Marshall, The Marines.

I had a post written. Those who care already know. For those who do not care the effort would be wasted.

I think a simple thank you will have to do.


Thank You for your service Veterans of America.

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Learning about sex from our senior citizens

Senior sex

A couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and
asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over
fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against
the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this,
and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
walking
sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she
leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman
has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both
collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that
he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing.
I've got to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something
else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of
secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty ye! ars ago that wasn't an electric fence.

Those are great on...or even plain.

My daughter loves Christmas and everything about the holiday. She begins listening to Christmas music as soon as the trick or treaters shed their sweaty costumes and begin the candy count. She gets that from me, I love Christmas music too. I am ready for the Holidays. The big triumvirate of festivity: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. The memories flood back of cardboard pillboxes, matchbox cars, the random pine needle that pierces your foot. The snow, the cold.

It is hard to imagine we are just a mere two weeks from Turkey Day. Yesterday, as I left for work the temperature was 68 degrees. This morning it was a chilly 36.

I am ready for the holiday season: the work load drops and I get time off between Christmas and New Years. The family will gather to celebrate the birth of Jesus. A few beers might be consumed, and there will be lots of food. I have been getting ready, I have been able to tighten my belt two notches in the last year. Time to fit those pants completely!

I would go home and watch my DVD of one of my favorite movies HOLIDAY INN, but my daughter took it last time she was home. All we need now is just a little snow.

AT&T is a piece of shit.

I have had an ongoing dispute with the people at AT&T. About a year ago we started getting bills from them, about $5 per month. We called them and said we never signed up for your service, we will not use it, make it go away. We use our cell phones for long distance calling. More bills. Call again. More bills. Now they start to call from their collection department, they want their $17.00. The wife explains it again. After about 5 or six months, of this she finally gets it clear WE DO NOT WANT THEIR SERVICE. Customer Service wipes out the charges. We are done right? Nope, about three months ago we get a bill. The wife calls goes through it again. They say we have to call customer service, get a toll free number. You can only get a recording with that number to pay your bill.

Fast forward to last week, collections call, the wife explains it again. Today they call at lunch. Whoops, I am home this time. I not very nicely tell the lady from AT&T collections where she can put her $23 invoice. I told her I am sick of this, etc. etc. She tells me I have to call a different number. Now I am more than a little pissed off. I call the number, my only choice is the automated pay system. I try again, same result. At this point I want a human to yell at. The blood pressure is up, I have resorted to screaming curse words at the automated system. I am banging the phone in a vain effort to talk to a human. Repeated "fuck you AT&T"s rumble off my tongue as my hands start to shake. Foam dribbles from the corner of my mouth. The contortions of my face make my vision blur as I dial again and again in the vain hope that the system will recognize my number and give me an actual live human to speak to.

I try the caller ID and get the number of collections. I call that number, enter my information. Yes, again I get the automated pay system, only this one actually says they will be glad to help me after I make a payment. ARRRRGGGGH. I want to rip the phone from the wall, The letters A and T are about to be banned from my home. I would rather not have phone service than deal with this company for one more minute.

I call the 800 customer service line again. This time I enter my company phone number: bam -- customer service person in mere moments. He is a little perplexed when I explain that the number I am calling about is different. I tell him my home number. He tells me three different times that the number I want to discuss is different than the number I gave the automated system. I explained in an exasperated manner that I needed to talk to a live person. He told me I could pay the bill with the automated system. I explain it all again in a very loud and angry voice, complete with editorial asides on the automated hell, and the stupidity of his company. I ask why we keep going through this billing issue. He allows that the account was credited about six months ago, and the notes say we do not want the service, but we made a one minute phone call in July (11 cents) so that reactivated the service. He will not credit the $23. I wish him luck, and spend the next minute again explaining to him what I think of his company. I also let him know that because AT&T are such dicks, I cancelled my business service last month and switched to the competitor. AT&T just lost about $400 per month (I am sure they could care less) over ELEVEN DAMN CENTS.

I called my local service to make sure AT&T was erased forever from my phone (they were more than happy). After they said they would set me up for long distance at $2.00 per month I said NO. We use our cell phones for long distance, and our total long distance for the last 4 months is a combined $2.64. Then came the kicker. I hung up the phone, defeated, deflated, despaired. I gave up, I waved the white flag. I am now a Frenchman for the day.

Are ready for this? The fucking Federal Government will charge me a one time universal fee of $5.50 for canceling my long distance. Right, the Government is going to charge me for not buying a service. Tell me again we have a free country. ASSHOLES, ASSHOLES, ASSHOLES. Sam Adams, Paul Revere, and the Sons of Liberty where are you, we need you again!