Thick as a brick

I'm not sure if there has been any news coverage about it, but a hurricane made landfall in the Carolina's on Friday and has dumped a bunch of rain. Weather "experts" would have you think this is an unprecedented event and climate change is about to kill us all. Sure 8 or 10 inches of rain over a few days is a bad thing. Twice that is worse. Heck, we had over five inches in a couple of days here last week. To put things in perspective  Mount Wai'ale'ale on Kaua'i averages 373 inches of rain a year and was drenched with 683 inches in 1982. Reunion Island got nearly 72 inches of rain in 24 hours back in 1966.  That is six feet of rain. Not annually, in one freaking day. So how about we dial down the panic rhetoric a tad about Florence? 

It is clear this dude went into "reporting" because he is a terrible actor. 

All about the salsa verde

Good morning, fellow 'Muricans and Canadians and Earthlings, if you prefer. We will once again present today's offering in plain old English, so if that is not your preferred language, I can only opine that it sucks to be you. Not from any strong xenophobic passion, but rather that American English is my language of choice. My wit and wisdom is only available in that format.

And because I am only fluent in English. In the Hoosier patois at that.

You Britishers can just get over the spelling. There ain't no "U" in color.

Where was I going before you started griping about language?

Heck if I know.

Yesterday was my favorite daughter's birthday. Yes, I admit it. So what? Sure, she is my only daughter, so it is pretty easy to name her my favorite daughter. We went out for Mexican food to celebrate. I had no need to stretch my limited Spanish vocabulary. It is easy to order tacos.

Unlike certain bands currently playing in the background, I have never been through the desert on a horse with no name.

In my case, it was Scout.

I'm not aware of any important weekend plans. I have to cut the grass. There is a bit of excitement, should you care to live vicariously through my adventures. My eye drops are ready for pick up down at the drug store. I better stop there, I'm not sure you can handle the sheer adrenaline rush of all this seat-of-the-pants thrill ride that is my life. I don't care if you are wearing an official imitation Indiana Jones hat, it is probably just too much to handle.

Does this become more entertaining and worthwhile if you read it out loud?

Go back to the beginning and do it. I need to know.

I can only hope you are sitting at the doctor's office or standing in line at WalMart when you do it.  Even better, I envision you sitting at your favorite dining establishment, waiting on your food, reading this at full voice. Because of course the louder the better. Turn up the volume to eleven, give us some "room-filling energy!", as my speech teacher used to advise the class. Everyone at Chez Patrice, Applebee's, or Arby's wants to hear my words of wisdom. Really.

You better stop reading out loud now. It is creating a feedback loopy-thing, you reading out loud about reading out loud. Sorry it is just weird. What made you think that was a good idea?

Housekeeping matters

Hah, I don't mind the spam comments. They are easily wiped away. I just wish the "I learned a lot from this post" and "this is great information", etc. comments were on a posts that were real commentary, not throw away posts of a line or two. Especially a post from a decade or so ago.

I was looking at my referral logs. It seems a porn site has taken a great liking to my work.  Thanks for sending links over here. I'm not sure what I have offered that encouraged this linkage, but I will take every visitor I get.

The fifer is on the capstan

Thursday. It feels like this week has been 9 or 10 days long already, yet I toil on. Friday will be here soon.

On the bright side, I have dumped multiple posts on you in recent days. It reminds me of the old days.  Sure, some of the posts are from the old days...

But it is not like I have raised rates around here. 

If you are really unhappy I will freely refund your paid subscription. You cannot ask more than that.

"Fair" is my middle name.

The same, only different

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip into her husband's mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night she does just that.

A week later she is back at the doctor and and says "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it into his potatoes like you said. Not even five minutes later he jumped up, raked the dishes and food onto the floor, ripped off all of my clothes and ravished me right there on the table!"

The Doctor says, "I'm sorry, we did not realize the pill was so strong. The drug company will pay for the broken dishes and any damages."

"Nah", she says, "That's OK. We're not going back to that restaurant anyway."

Proving that great set ups and punchlines are universal. I originally [published this joke back in September of 2013

How paint got me kicked out of church

Three couples went to visit the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without making love for two months and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two months went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was a bit tough the first month but then it was not a problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until the woman dropped a can of paint.

“A can of PAINT??!” exclaimed the minister.

“Yeah,” said the newlywed husband. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust just took over.”

The minister just shook his head and said: “You two sinners are not welcome in my church!”

“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome at Home Depot, either.”

How to get more of what you hate most

As a denizen of Hicksville, one of "those people" who live in flyover country, I want to offer a piece of advise to my "betters" on the coasts. Yes, I know we are responsible, collectively, for the election of President Trump (more importantly, the defeat of Hillary) . Still i have a word of caution: to some of us you are starting to appear unhinged.

A group has sued to take away the liqueur license from the Trump Hotel in Washington DC because supposedly the man whose name is on the hotel is "amoral" and unfit to hold said license, despite the fact that the hotel is owned by a corporation. You can look the story up yourself. This the sort of all out "resistance" and attack that leaves many of us scratching our heads and thinking you really are deranged.

Joe Scarborough pens an editorial claiming Trump is worse for America than the 9/11 hijackers? Are we really supposed to believe he is an unbiased "journalist"? I'm not aware of any Americans murdered by the President. So far, I put the score at about 3,000 to 0, terrorists winning.

Maxine Waters started calling for Trump to be impeached before he was even sworn in. This weekend she said once Trump is gone they will impeach Pence. Does anyone even understand that a crime has to be committed before someone can be removed from office? Perhaps something akin to lying under oath (perjury) or sexual harassment of an intern? Not agreeing with someone politics is not a reason to boot them. That is not how it works.

This is how banana republics are born, however.

Who are you

I am not real. I am the dreams, nightmares, and fantasies that swirl in your brain late at night. I am the right wing whiteboard that helps you organize your thoughts. I am the thunder in the distance, the flash of a summer lightening bug. I am the warm blanket you pull up to your chin, the rich velvety hot fudge on your ice cream. I am the spark shooting into the summer sky from a pine log fire, the soft snowflake melting on your eyelash. I stretch like taffy, compress like rubber, and am strong as tempered steel. I am an exceptional man, an average Joe. I make up the top ten percent of the median. I am an enigma, a question mark, the guy next door. I am a Boy Scout, a reprobate, the penultimate environmentalist litterbug. I am a staunch meat eating vegan. Women want me, men want to be me. I am the shyest exhibitionist you have ever seen. I am legend in my mind, yet when you see me on the street you exclaim "I know that guy!". I coached your kids, mentored your kid brother and fed your Mom false information. I have been described as the north end of bi-polar disorder. I troll the interwebz from the non-existent basement of my two story ranch located deep in the heart of the inner-city suburbs. I am a progressive right-winger, dispensing political truth in measured doses. Your only required prescription is an open mind. Indeed, despite older claims to the contrary, I am the walrus. 

From a post I wrote in 2012.  I have no idea what it means even today.

nine eleven

As I have stated often, if you need me to remind you of this anniversary, you are probably reading the wrong blog.

The SCOTUS confirmation hearings brings this to mind

Fixing baseball, and that is not a reference to the Black Sox

I love baseball. I always have. I have occasionally scorned and decried the changes and proposed changes to the game in an effort to "speed it up".  I especially hate the idea of "ghost runners on second" and changing batters in the latter stages of the game.  The odious DH rule bears no discussion whatsoever.

HERE is an intelligent and cogent article on the current issues in in MLB and a common-sense means to correct the problems without changing the fundamental rules of the game.

I can only guess the editor somehow stripped the "get-rid-of-the-designated-hitter" part of the plan.

Not even a little surprised

Long ago a blogger who went by the name Big Dick used to comment here. His blog was funny and irreverent and the term "politically incorrect" did not even begin to describe it. I enjoyed his work immensely. Big Dick is also me of the few bloggers I have met.

He quit blogging, like many did, quite a long time ago.

I was reading some of my old blog posts this morning (never mind why). I ran across a comment from Big Dick and he mentioned he was spreading his good cheer on the Twitter platform.

I clicked on the link. I am not surprised to learn his Twitter feed had been suspended. If you remember Big Dick, you will not be surprised either.

I also bet he is just a bit proud of his reprimand.

Here is to you Big Dick.

Say it ain't so

I just read one of the most disappointingly sad lines:

The Iowa Caucasus start in just 16 months

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Aren't we still arguing over the last election?

I was standing on a corner

Steady rain beats on the roof as the remnants of TS Gordon hangs around again this morning. A couple of inches of rain fell yesterday and equal amounts are predicted for today. The lawn is waterlogged and I expect that daylight will reveal a mini stream flowing through the low place near the fence. Temperatures have dropped to a decidedly fall-like low sixties.

I hazarded the monsoon last night to pick up a pizza for dinner. We stayed inside warm and dry and watched a movie on Netflix.

My Echo Dot is playing softly in the background as I type. This just came on while I was typing about the rain:

How weird is that? I guess my Amazon Overlord really is spying upon me! I thought it was cornea implants I got a couple of years ago. It must have been tracking implants...

Hey, could you Amazon guys help me sleep late on the weekend? I'm tired of waking up at 4:30 on a Saturday morning.

Winner, winner

Bow before my greatness. Genuflect to my superior intellect. Tremble in fear of my awesome mind, for I have triumphed in an Internet trivia contest. I am an HQ Trivia champion.

Yes, I beat out some 300,000 competitors to emerge victorious without even using an earned extra life. I would place a video of Queen's We are the Champions here if I did not find the song and the band almost as odious as Steve Miller and Aerosmith.

The prize was a nice $5,000.

I should point out that I was not the only winner: about four thousand shared the pot. My cut was right at $1.25. Still, that is a buck and a quarter I did not have before and I am a winner!

NASA, we have a problem

I have always enjoyed politics as a fairly entertaining spectator sport. I enjoyed armchair quarterbacking. No more.

Things have become so toxic I just want to step away. When things get so vulgar that a candidate's children cannot watch his confirmation hearing it is a problem. When unelected bureaucrats attempt a Praetorian coup over the duly elected president, we have a problem. When reasonable people cannot agree to disagree, because there are no more reasonable people, we have a problem.  When we can no longer discuss a policy on its merits, but rather just how racist you are for supporting or not supporting said policy, we have a problem.

I read the comments on a sports article last night. It was about the Colts. The comments turned into a discussion of Trump/Kneeling/name calling/hysterics before 10 people even commented on the innocuous article.

I like politics. They are not my life.  It may consume a great deal of my ranting on these pages, but it is not my being.  If it is yours, I suggest you get a grip, examine your life, and relax.

Why I do not play golf

Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, “What’s wrong?”

He says, “One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.”

The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.” He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

The second guy says, “What’s wrong?”

The first guy says, “Small world!”

Reporting for duty

Back to work. Blah. I need a vacation to recover from my holiday.

I've been up since about three. I dozed a bit from 5-6:30. I just cannot shut off my brain or block out worries like I used to.

I'm back. Sorry about that. I just remembered it is Tuesday, not Monday. I had to put the trash cans out by the curb.

You can relax, there is no political screed today, just a boring reporting-in post. I am alive. I have been blessed by God. I have plenty to be thankful for (poor grammar notwithstanding).

Have a great Monday Tuesday.

Puttin' in the work on Labor Day

If you are due to drop a baby today I wish you joy. I hope you have an easy Labor Day.

I am composing this post on my crappy old laptop because my crappy Gen 1 iPad battery died yesterday.  The plug was blocked in by furniture piled in my office. *

I read where protesters are going to try and shut down O'Hare Airport in Chicago today to demonstrate against violence. Yes, because people flying out of the airport are killing youths on the South Side. OK. It makes perfect sense, except it makes no sense at all. This protest is akin to me being sick of the dog barking next door so I will block the entryway at Whole Foods.

I bet the leader of the protest did awful on that section of standardized tests where you have decide "square is to rectangle as rain is to...".

You know what?  I am going to boycott buying a Rolls Royce until the violence ends on Chicago's South Side.

Protest leader The Reverend Gregory Livingston says he wants business investment on the South and West sides "commensurate" with investments on the North side. Does this guy understand the basics of business? Private people put up money to grow and create business opportunities. The City of Chicago is not paying for the building and construction around Wrigley Field, the Ricketts Family is. The city did not build the building my company is located in, my boss did. Does The Reverend think that by making business executives miss their flights he will make them suddenly decide to build their next office building beside Cabrini Green?** Worse, does he buy into the whole "you did not build that" rhetoric of the far Left in the Democrat Party?  Does Livingston think that the Government creates businesses, factories, and jobs?  Perhaps he should have taken an economics class or two before divinity school.

People in Libertyville and Waukegan are not shooting 50 or 60 people of color on a hot summer weekend. The people in the neighborhoods on the south and west sides are shooting their own. Maybe the protests should stay a little closer to home and attack the root of the problem, not figuratively pour Roundup on a patch of weeds in the next county in hope their own plot of ragweed and dandelions shrivels and dies through osmosis or something.

I'm sick of the constant road construction here on the North Side of Indy. I think a protest down at Gulf Shores in order.

Ah, it is a Holiday. What say we enjoy an end of summer cookout and relax?



* I'm cleaning carpets this weekend in case you did not read the previous posts (shame on you). We just have the living room to put back in order. The carpet should be dry this morning.  Then we have to decide if I am going to clean my office and the master bedroom. Moving furniture from those rooms is an issue.  I steadfastly refuse to dismantle the bed. 

**yes, I know that notorious housing project was demolished in 2011. I'm making a point.

Doing the heavy lifting

Greetings fellow Earthlings. We are in the midst of a long weekend of work here at the old homestead. Earlier in the week the forecast called for rain all weekend so the Boss declared we would clean carpets. Clean carpets we shall, even though the weather has been very nice indeed.

I got about half the house done yesterday. We have to put that furniture back to clear the other rooms to clean today. The wife is still deep in slumber so I can take a few minutes to goof off on the blog before I am driven back to toil and effort.

My coffee is hot and I'm jonesing for a bowl of cornflakes.

What is happening in your world this holiday weekend?