Dear Ralph

Thank you for submission to the Ask Hoosierboy feature:

Please either describe the Great Sioux Uprising of 1890 or What would you do for a Klondike bar?
ralphd00d | Homepage | 06.29.06 - 11:59 am | #

Man, what is it with you guys and the Indian Wars? Given it is my choice, I will answer the second question.

I would stand on one leg, wear a flower print sun dress and sing the Wabash College fight song. If that is not good enough I would go to Disney World and wear plaid shorts, dark socks and wing tip shoes. I would wear a White Sox hat. I would take a pie in the face while wearing a tight denim jumpsuit. I would a pimp hat to the prom (whoops did that already). I would drink 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes, one each and every minute (whoops did that too). I would piss on a building in the Champs d'Elysee (whoops again). I would ride in the trunk of a car speeding around a cinder track (whoops). I would take a dump on someone's desk (again whoops). I would jump out of an airplane the first two times I was ever in one (again whoops). I would sign someone up for a homosexual erotic newsletter (whoops -- the boss was NOT pleased).

I guess I would try about anything for a Klondike bar.

Dear James Old Guy

Is it possible to remove the Hoosier from someone? An operation, divorce, some sort of ritual that requires naked women, alcohol and feathers? The hoosier in me is beginning to surface again like a recurring case of the crabs. Also what can you tell me about the Ghost Dance and the Sioux uprising of 1890?
James Old Guy | Homepage | 06.29.06 - 10:20 am | #

No. Once a Hoosier, always a Hoosier. You will never completely shuck that strange, half Kentucky, half Chicago accent. You will not be able to flush your system of the days in the woods, the swims in the river, jumping off the bridge, riding the freight train into town. The bike rides, the sectionals, the pool halls and cigarettes all blend with the voice of old Sid on the radio doing the Indy 500 to leave a mark inside your body and soul. Like an old tattoo on your bicep, it may blur, and wrinkle, and the mermaid loses her luster. In the end you are indelibly a Hoosier to the core. Somewhere in your mind you will cross the Wabash and the strains of "Back Home Again" will echo in your skull. You will live in the mountains, you will camp by the sea, yet the flat corn fields will call to you. Being a Hoosier is like getting a case of VD. Sometime, somewhere, you will brag about it.

Sorry, only one question allowed, so you will have to learn about the Great Sioux Uprising another day.

Oh, Happy Day....

On this date in 1984 I married Mrs. HB. 22 years, it seems like yesterday and like forever. I did not break tradition, I popped for 22 red roses to be delivered today. She is getting pretty damn expensive. Maybe I will go with two yellow (the decade) and three red next year. Somehow, I do not think that will be appreciated. Maybe I should get rid of her and start over? I threatened to trade her in for two 20 year olds when she hit forty. She did not think much of that idea either. That woman has no sense of humor, I can tell you that.

At 44, I have now spent half of my life married. That is an interesting thought. It makes me feel old. We will celebrate the day by going to a baseball game. The little one begins his tourney run tonight. Neither of us could think of a better way to celebrate (well, I would like to get laid, but I bet that ain't gonna happen).

You will never read this, but Happy Day Babe!

Dear Dragonlady

I am always pleased to help my readers gain knowledge through the ASK HOOSIERBOY feature. Here is your question:

What exactly causes a rainbow? I know it has to do with gasses in the atmosphere but don't know how it works. Or if you rather please tell me about the Great Sioux Uprising of 1890.
dragonlady474 | Homepage | 06.28.06 - 8:03 pm | #

Well Dragon, I already said I do not want to talk about the Sioux Uprising, so I guess we will tackle rainbows together.

Rainbows are caused by unicorn tears. That is why they invoke such strong emotions in us. The rainbow has been adopted since the beginning of time as a symbol for hippies, nature lovers, greenies, and ALGOREites. The power of the rainbow can bring peace and harmony to the world. If enough of us put Rainbow Power stickers on the back of our VW bugs and buses, why there would be no more war, no more hunger and no more disease! A flower in the barrel of a gun will bring peace, through the power of the rainbow! Heck, make that a double !!

No, really a rainbow is just light refracting through the prism created by rain. We can see the visible spectrum in the sky. In much the same way you can see a "rainbow" in a puddle of gas or oil on the street, or in the spray of the hose. Below is a picture of a whale creating a rainbow with his blowhole. One interesting fact, you can only see a rainbow in the morning or afternoon when the rays of the sun hit the water at an angle.

No unicorns cried when creating this post, but I did see a cool double rainbow Wednesday night.

Dear Captain Scarlett

Thank you for your reply on my post about spammers. I am a little slow to respond, I have a life outside of the basement to attend. I would like to say I value your contribution, but I am not in the habit of lying to imbeciles. I am confident the sarcasm quotient would make your head explode into cat chow sized pellets. One of these missiles might punch a hole in your blow-up doll.

Here is your literary masterpiece in its entirety:

Some fags with just a few words let you know you wouldnt even want to be in the same room with them. Fucking loser!
Captain Scarlet | 06.27.06 - 9:35 am | #

I do not possess the vocabulary to describe how little it bothers me to discover you would not like to be in the same room with me. What is the matter, the description hit a little too close to home? I know you are angry, did your Mom forget to buy you Cocoa Puffs this week? Which part of my analysis bothered you so much -- the little dick part, or the dressing in high heels? Maybe you are upset you could not make it to the Star Trek Convention this month? Did your sister find out about your fetish for stuffed animals and sports mascots and rat you out? Did your video game chair short? Did you drop your Victoria's Secret catalogue into the toilet while trying to find your tiny member in order to masturbate?

Gosh, that last sentence of your comment, since it lacked a verb, was that a description of you? Is it part of your signature?

Fucking loser! Captain Scarlett

If so, I am sorry I did not include that wonderful honorific in the title of this post. Here is a piece of advise -- usually one does not include an exclamation point when using a title. The Honorable Doctor! Marcus Welby just does not look right. But hey, you are the Fucking Loser!, so do not let me be the arbiter of taste. I may not be up to snuff on titles or honorifics these days.

"Some fags" say you. You seem to know an awful lot about what fags think. Do you mean "fags" as in a British slang for cigarettes? Do you mean the perjorative for homosexual? Do you just like to say the word because it is short and you do not have to wrap your tongue around your buck teeth to say multisyllabic phonemes? Are speaking for all fags, or just you?

I had to use just a few words, otherwise it would be too complicated for your undeveloped brain to understand. It is a good thing for you I type slowly, you might be able to keep up. In the end, you are right. With just a few words you have proven I would not like to be in the same room with you. I prefer intelligent conversation. Stop by again, I value all of my readers and enjoy the comments I get.

Best Regards Mofo,

Hoosierboy

Uberman

The little one dragged me off last night to see the new Superman movie. We attended the late show, so I am a bit groggy this morning.

The movie was OK, about what I expected. As usual the whole dual nature of Superman/Clark Kent is unbelievable. Superman is gone for five years. Clark is gone for five years. The day Clark returns to the Daily Planet, Superman returns. "Wow, what a coincidence" say the coworkers. Well, they do not even make the connection. Kevin Spacey is terrific as Lex Luthor.

Anyway, something that happened at the beginning of the movie ticked me off enough that I could not really enjoy the film. I will admit, I am of a paranoid bent. But how far does Hollywood go in their hatred of patriotism and America? The editor of the Daily Planet (surprised based on the NYT) has called a big meeting to tell all departments to get the story on Superman's return. He says "Does he still represent Truth, Justice, and that other stuff?"

Good gravy (ha - no swearing in this post!)the writers and directors and Hollywood crowd just cannot bring themselves to say it -- Superman has ALWAYS promoted Truth, Justice and the American Way.. Hollywood cannot deal with that truth. My friends, that is a sad reality.

Dear Mrs. Goldbloom

You KNOW the answer. BECAUSE THEY CAN!

Ask Hoosierboy edition 2.

It is time for another addition of Ask Hoosierboy. This is where you the reader get to choose the content of this blog. Ask me anything and I will give you an answer. Need help with that research paper? Do you not understand an issue of politics or history? Do you have sports questions? Is there an aspect of the HB's personal life you need to know in the fashion of the National Enquirer? I have always set as a personal goal the ability to discuss in an intelligent fashion any subject, any time (seriously). This is your opportunity to put that ability to the test.

Why do I temp fate with this exciting program? Well, I want to make you, the reader, happy. I want you to get the vital info about life in general, and HB in particular, you can find no where else (unless you know Otter, who will burn me at the drop of a hat, or for the price of a beer!). Secondly, I have drawn a blank for posts, I can only bitch and rant for so long.

Submit your questions now.


edit:

I already have a question about the great Sioux uprising of 1890. DO NOT make me write about that!

Just a bit outside...

The regular season for baseball is now over. We ended with a perfect 0-13 record. Good riddance.

The little one's all-stars goes into full swing beginning this weekend, so weekend blogging will be light. Hahahahaa, like I ever do more than post a picture or cartoon. This team is VERY good and could be playing for a long time. As long as they do not get too cocky, and play every inning they could be successful. I know this bores you, but it is about all I have going on except work.

The customer I talked about below called me and apologized yesterday. All is good, all is right now. Persistence pays off. So does threatening to cease production.

It appears we are in a Florida weather pattern. It is hot and humid every day with rain every afternoon and evening. I hope it breaks by the weekend.

The HB Flag is at half mast

Many will be more eloquent. Many knew him, me just through his blog. It was the opening of his soul in his archives nearly two years ago that lead me to begin this humble site. I remember reading day after day hour after hour the saga of the divorce, the firing, the pain as his son deserted him, the joy in his daughter, the drinking, Costa Rica. Every day he let us glimpse his life his soul, but only what he wanted us to see. He crafted sentences and stories that rivaled his hero, Mr. Twain. The hurt, the pain, the life finally got him down.

I will miss the first read in my daily travels through the blog world. No disrespect to Maddox, but on many days Gutrumbles was the best page in the universe.

Peace Acidman.

I feel like all I do is rant...

The New York Times has again done all it can to destroy our efforts on the war on terror. Nothing has changed for this left wing - hate ANY Republican President - hire liars and plagiarist as reporters - piece of toilet paper rag since they published the Pentagon Papers. Releasing classified documents that hurts our nation is the MO of this paper. Hide behind the First Amendment, then abet treason is nothing more than we should expect.

I find it funny the NYT freaked about about the Plame "leak" even though it was public record she worked for the CIA, yet this same paper covers up truly devastating leaks. The number of people that knew this bank probe was going on are few. I say we grill the Intelligence Committee members and staffers. If we find that one of our elected officials leaked this information, in violation of an oath of secrecy, the offending person(s) should be publicly executed. I am not kidding.

Listen, if you are not calling or receiving calls from the Midwest or from known and suspected terrorist, you have no fear the "Government" is listening to your calls. If you are not sending or receiving funds from the Midwest or from suspected terrorists, the "Government" is not examining your bank records. The same liberals who are screaming about intrusive government in the War on Terror seem to have no issue with drunk driving and seatbelt checkpoints. Can anyone explain that logic?

Die, you sick mofos

What is the difference between a crazed crack whore who breaks your windows, crawls into your house and spray paints her crazy, crackwhore shit on your walls and a fat, acne ridden, comic book reading, blowup doll fucking, dog turd eating, 40-year old loser, living in his Mom's basement with two cats that he forces to lick his milk soaked balls, asshole spammer that gets his jollies infecting your computer with viruses, dickwad?

That is the longest sentence you will ever read from this poor blog writer from the Hemingway school. Let me try again. If it is illegal to break into my house and trash it, why is it legal to send viruses that infect my computer? My kids have again infected one of my computers with a virus (actually several, only one remains) a nefarious infectious Trojan that is sunk deep in my operating system. I will get it, but I have already spent hours working on this bastid. Like the mondo worm I had before, we will have to run tool after tool to get rid of it.

Why can't we prosecute the perpetrators of these attacks? They are invading my personal property intent on destruction. What is the difference? If I broke into your car and spray painted Hillary for President on your dashboard I would be prosecuted (and probably shot). Is forcing my computer to your website any different? I find both offensive. Is breaking your window and throwing into your living room hundreds of handbills for sex houses and child porn illegal? Why is it Ok to do that to my virtual mailbox?

Here's to you Mr. Spammer, Mr. Virus sender -- rot in Hell after dying a slow painful death of a mutant form of mad cow disease you contracted by giving your neighbor's collie a blowjob. I hope your dick falls off in your Cheeto-stained fingers (assuming you can find it with a pair of jewelers tweezers). I wish you get kidney stones the size of boulders. I hope you trip going up the stairs wearing your Mom's old high heels and break your puny pencil-neck. I hope you choke on your Hot Pocket. I hope the pizza burns the roof of your mouth. I hope you hang yourself while trying that crazy autoerotic asphyxiation while jacking-off thing. I hope you get the plague from the bites of fleas living in the rolls of fat on your unwashed body. I hope you die alone -- surrounded and consumed by the hatred of the innocent people you have preyed upon.

Keep it up and I will get really pissy about this.

weekend funny

Weekend Funny

Hear that slamming noise?

That noise heard 'round the blog world was my arteries slamming shut. I just enjoyed a fine luncheon of Spam and Kraft macaroni and cheese. The Spam I fried and put on white bread with mustard, the mac and cheese was the sauce kind. Does that make it better? The true sin here is this is the second time this week I have had Spam for lunch.

I am a little pissed today. I am not down on just the Islamofascists, the Democrats, the weather, or the Cubs, but I am really pissed at one of my customers. This guy approached me early last month to increase our business significantly, if we would offer a long term agreement and some concessions on price. The powers said yes, the customer said hurry and we offered it all up in about two weeks. We gave him everything he asked, and ramped up production to begin shipping in August. This is a huge increase in parts. Boucoup inventory. We have not heard from him since. He will not return phone calls, pages, emails, anything. When I threatened that we would stop production, he sent a terse two sentence email asking if we want out of the deal.

I tried calling etc., and answered with an as-kissing email about how we value him, etc., and just need some communication on where we stand. The response from the customer:


That is right, chirp fucking chirp, nothing. I threatened to show up in his lobby. Chirp chirp. I am at a loss. I know the customer is always right, but is it too much to ask for a 2 minute phone call or email saying "yep, move on supplier"? I guess I will drive the 2.5 hours each way next week to plant my ass in the lobby and wait to see if he will see me. That is rude, and I have never gone to a customer without an appointment. This is a multi-million dollar account and I have to straddle a fine line of getting the answers my management demands, and pissing off the customer for all time. We are making this buyer look good with the savings, but he is making me look bad because I cannot get answers from him.

Screw it, it is almost beer time.

Up on the Merry-Go-Round

Once again our intrepid law enforcement officials have caught suspected terrorists in our midst. I have no doubt there is strong evidence.

Like the herd of terrorists caught in Buffalo, the bombers in London, and the bunch in Toronto, the suspects in Miami are home-grown haters of western ways. They have all the advantages of modern medicine, science, and technology. They are not denizens of third world hell holes seeking paradise. These are haters, bent on destruction, pain and death to any who happen to be nearby. If the reports and suspected plans are true, I think we can all agree these are scum, rats fit only for a quick death to enjoy hell with Hitler, Stalin, and Mussawri.

What twists the minds of ordinary humans to turn them into animals? So far there is only the common basis of religion. Once again the suspected terrorists all are believers in the faith of Islam. What mad-cow like properties does this religion possess that infects the brain and turns adherents into crazed killers of women, children, and all who do not believe as they do? Like mad-cow disease, not all Muslims are affected, but they could be at any time. Do we need to adopt the policy we take when a diseased cow is found -- destroy the herd? I hope not.

I expect we will get the same tired crap from Muslims like CAIR that we are unfairly depicting their religion, about discrimination, etc. The fact remains that it is not Christians and Buddhists blowing up buildings and planting car bombs near schools. It is time for the House of Islam to do a spring cleaning. Funding for the militant sects must be cut, there needs to be loud and firm declarations that the ends do not justify the means, that jihad is not the way. I need to see demonstrations for peace, for an end to the violence. Until then my faith grows every day that every Muslim is my enemy, a potential terrorist willing to follow the words of the Koran to the letter: the infidel must convert, or die. The followers of Mohammed are my enemy, the enemy of my country, and the enemy of the world. It is time we say it and believe it.

Chicago Sucks

Well, just the highway system; I like the windy city itself. The nightmare that is southbound 294 to I 80 eastbound -- will it ever be done? The half finished toll plazas appear no closer to complete that they did two months ago. I guess it will be better when it is finished, but traveling through and around Chicago is driving misery.

Today's Music

If you have read past posts you know I have some eclectic tastes in music. I am mostly stuck in the 1970's. I deleted all of the Sinatra and Dean Martin off the iPod over the weekend because they screwed the vibe I was in when listening to the songs on "shuffle" Saturday morning: Cream, Jethro Tull, Yes, The Pink Floyd, then Sinatra did not cut the mustard.

I bought two new CDs on Saturday. The Clash (a compilation of greatest hits) and The Blues Brothers -- A Briefcase full of Blues. Who knows how much I will listen to either, but sometimes you are just in the mood for '80's punk and pop.

Ruuuuuubber Biiiiiscuit -- bow bow bow.

Some people are too stupid to live

If you have spent any time at all reading this site, you know my feelings about intrusive government. I have maintained the position that seatbelt laws and helmet laws are just plain wrong. As a responsible adult if you are too stupid to wear a seatbelt or a helmet when riding a motorcycle then that is your perogative. For the record, I do not move the car from the driveway without clicking the seatbelt.

I do believe that child restraint laws are a good idea. Sometimes we need to protect children from their parent's stupidity. Here is a perfect example. Not only was this trash to ignorant to put the TEN MONTH OLD and other five children into car seats and seat belts, she did not even have seats in her van! This woman deserves NO second chance, her kids should be taken away forever. She is clearly too dumb to raise a family.

HB's Rules to live by

I am sick of the whining and law suits and the imbecilic predilection of certain segments of our society looking at the Government to nanny them through life. We can go a long way to eliminating the Democrat Party if the general population will follow these rules of thumb. Like any ROT, most of these are common sense for most of us, but clearly there are people who need to be told the basics.

1. Any food that contains a variant of the word "fry" is probably fattening and should not be eaten if you are concerned about fat, cholesterol, or your weight. Some examples would include french FRIES or Kentucky FRIED chicken. Drop the bucket, drop the weight, drop the lawsuit, dumbass.

2. Any food that contains the word "double" is probably not good for you. Examples include DOUBLE quarter pounder, DOUBLE cheese, DOUBLE beef patties.

3. Any food or drink that contains whipped cream or cream or chocolate or caramel is probably fattening and not good for you. This would include ice CREAM, and drinks at Starbucks that include cream, whipped cream, sugar and caramel or chocolate syrups. Again, get your head out of your ass, drop the protests and move along. NO one told you to order the fattening stuff.

4. If you have a leak in your pipes, the first step is to shut off the water. Similarly, if we have an issue with immigration the first step is to close the border.

5. If you denounce the country, say patriotism is stupid, and make fun of your core customers, you should not be surprised at the lack of support -- get it dizzy chicks? NO one says you cannot have anti-US beliefs, but we do not have to agree.

6. Do you remember when the school bully beat you up, took your lunch and left you hanging from the fence by the elastic waist of your tighty-whities? Did giving him your lunch money stop the swirlies? Well, Democrats, giving the bullies of the world our lunch money will not stop the bullying. Appeasement NEVER works. I would have thought Jimmah Carter would have been given enough red-bellies and snuggies in his life he would have figured that out by now. That plan worked well in North Korea didn't it?

7. If you smoked since 1972 when warnings went on the packs, you have no right to a lawsuit unless you can demonstrate you cannot read. If you cannot read you deserve no money because you are too stupid to take advantage of the opportunities of life. There is no argument on this about addiction etc., because you were warned before you smoked the first cigarette. For cripes sake, cigarettes were called coffin nails in the 1920's! Any time you suck smoke into your lungs it cannot be good, anyone who smoked the first cancer stick knows that.

8. Lawyers out trolling for victims are the lowest of the low. I include those who are ambulance chasers and those who troll for victims of Asbestos, and breast implants. Just because you lived in the same zip code as a factory that used asbestos, or walked by the plant does not entitle you to a settlement. The lawyers have bankrupted thousands of companies through the asbestos lawsuits. The same is true of the suits against Dow for the silicone breast implants. Studies now show there was no danger -- whoops -- sorry about destroying your company.

9. Fake boobies are never as good as real ones. You will likely be sorry for that tattoo, and nose, eyebrow, lip, tongue and other piercings are just gross. I am not alone in this. If you have tattoos all over your arm and metal poles in your eyebrow I do not want you serving my food. No reason, but I will not be back, Mr. Restaurant owner.

10. Anti-smoking laws are bullshit. By what right does the Government have to tell a private citizen what to do on his private property? If smoke annoys you (it does me) then DO NOT PATRONIZE THAT RESTAURANT OR BAR. The great aspect of capitalism is the market will determine success. If there is a demand for smokeless eateries, the public will beat a path to that establishment.

There are plenty more ROT but libtards do not read this site, and the rest of you have common sense. Oh, and red rover and dodgeball are fun, shut up and play.