Dear john Kerry

I want to be clear about this. Unlike you, I know words mean something. I will not blame the Republicans, or Rush, or anyone else when I say my deepest thoughts. We all know you said what is in your heart, like a man who uses the N word in private.

We know what you think of the fine men and women who fight for America, you proved that 30 years ago, and you proved it again this week.

Here is what I think:

Fuck you John Kerry

Terrible Tuesday

What are your Halloween plans? I intend to try and find a really sincere pumpkin patch and wait for the Great Pumpkin.

I sure will be glad when this week is done, I love to watch movies on TV, but I hate scary movies. I blame Otter and he knows why. If you want to know the scoop -- you will have to find it in the archives, I do not have time to look (hint: The Legend of Bogey Creek is NOT a western).

I am not a smart man, but there are people at my work who are stuttering morons. Well, just one guy in particular. He is increasingly sticking his nose under my customers tent, and nothing good is going to come of it. I am about to be a victim of political infighting way above my paygrade. BOHICA.

Doesn't anyone throw corn (shelled) as a mild Halloween prank anymore? It makes a cool noise on windows and especially aluminum awnings.

Be safe, and come to my house. I need to get rid of this candy. I have nearly eaten my way back to the size 38s. I had lost about 10-15 pounds over the last couple of months and now I cannot quit snacking. Hey Hey Hey here comes HB. I have to get back to the walking and exercising again. I walked around the neighborhood and smoked a fine CAO cigar yesterday at lunchtime. It just made me hungry.

Episode Six -- Nightmare on My Street.

My front Door is a fancy thing with cut glass decorating the top half. You enter the door and are in a small vestibule that leads to the living room. The computer is right at the junction of this hallway and the living room. If I look right while typing this, I can look out the front door.

I have mentioned here before that I rarely dream, and if I do, I can never remember the dream. Last night was an exception.

In my dream I am sitting at the computer looking at blogs, keeping up with my ethernet friends. My pants are around my ankles and I am watching "squirter" videos at Big Dick's Place. The doorbell rings. I can see a young woman looking in through the glass. I jump up, trip over the jeans wrapped around my ankles. She is looking right at me and she can see my erect manhood saluting her. I crawl to the adjacent hall and pull up my pants. The underwear are bunched around my thighs and beneath my ass cheeks. She rings the bell again. I open the door and there stands a petite brunette. Her cheeks are rosy in the cool autumn air. Mine are red with embarrassment. I am sure she can still see my erection. She tells me God sent her and offers me the Jehovah's Witness magazine. I tell her thanks but I am busy. She does not protest and beats a hasty retreat. I do not think this encounter is the stuff of porn legend.

Doctor Freud, please call your office.

Whaa Whaa Boo hoo

Geez, I will sure be glad when Halloween is over. I hate scary/horror/monster movies and that is about all you can find on TV during October.

The Colts do not play until late again this week. I cannot believe they are the underdogs against Denver. One analyst actually believes the Colts will fail to score a touchdown. The current Colts have one of the most prolific offenses in NFL history, no one has stopped them in the last several years. I will allow the possibility the defense will give up more points than the Colts can score, or that they will allow Denver to stay on the field so long that Manning and company cannot score, but I do not believe that Denver can prevent the Colts from reaching the end zone -- several times. I read a stat the other day, the Colts have won the last 25 regular season games when they had the starters on the field and something to play for (ie; playoff spots/home field etc.).

Now that the trees are losing their leaves, I can actually see the neighbors behind me. One good thing is the wind blew all of the leaves away from the yard -- no raking for HB! Those big old sycamore leaves are a bitch.

What the hell is up with blogger? I do not like to complain about a free service, but the last few weeks it has been very difficult to post. Has anyone tried the new Beta version?

Have a good Sunday.

edit. I have now been trying to post this damn thing since 9 am this morning -- 12+ hours.

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weekend cartoon

Friday Five

I had some serious heartburn last night. I was up from about 3:15 until 6:30. I got up for work before 8:00. Since I went to bed after 1:30, let's see, I had...well, I was a history major, so the answer is...not much sleep.

What? You ask why was I up so late? I was reading. My wife bought me the last of the Sharpe Books (except for the one that just came out in hardcover)by Bernard Cornwell. Can you believe this -- I only had about 30 pages to go when I went to bed? That knowledge alone is probably what made me sick to my stomach.

In that vein, here is your challenge for this week's Friday Five:

Name your five favorite literary characters.

Here is my list in no particular order:

1. Jake Grafton from the novels by Stephen Coonts
2. Richard Sharpe from the Sharpe Series by Bernard Cornwell
3. Huck Finn
4. Robin Hood
5. Serge from the novels of Tim Dorsey (these are hilarious)

If I do not post again today, have a great weekend. I hope you get laid.

Just like Willie

I am on the road again today, just like Willie, only without the drugs, drink, and groupies. I am taking the Really Big Boss and his entourage to see more of my customers. I hope this buyer does not do what a customer did to me once. We were on a similar PR visit with my new boss and the customer shook my hand and said "It is nice to finally meet you after all these years. I would think you would visit at least once before you bring in your boss pretending to know our company." He kept a straight face and only told my boss the truth after the meeting. I visited this customer EVERY Month, even though they were in South Carolina and I was in Indiana. This same guy once told a new receptionist to throw me out, he would never buy from my company. I told her I was not leaving, he had to pass the door sometime. She sat there open mouthed in shock. Barry came around the corner laughing his ass off. I miss some of my old customers.

Oh well, just a day trip. Back tonight. So far the answers to the post below are great, but I need more. Ask yourself this: "What have I done for the Hoosierboy lately?" You will know what to do.

LOOK

I have questions.

You have answers.

Why don't you put a few of them in the comments section?

I gotta get one

The lovely and perfect Chou (my blog cousin)had this picture posted on her site. It is sublime and full of life's universal truths. Even though Noah left behind the gentle and perfect unicorn, the beast has the good sense to hate the despicable mime.

Why I outta...

Sorry for no post yesterday. I am sure the trail of tears and soggy Kleenex stretched the nation. I would like to claim Chicago construction traffic was getting better. It seems to this reporter that a whole summer of work achieved exactly nothing. I am just saying...

I titled a post some time ago "Pygmy Sex". I get two to three google hits on that a week. There are some weird folks out there.

What do you say to someone who tracks gum into the carpet of your 6 month old car? What if the then proceed to smear it in about three different places? What if the perpetrator is the president of your company? Technically I guess he did it to his own car. Now how do I get the smashed gum out of the carpet?

Have a happy Wednesday, I have other plans.

Are you dressing for Halloween?

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The old woman says, you're going out like that?"

And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator.

Where are all of the bunnies?

So, it has been a week since I eyed the evil killer serpent in my backyard. I have tried in vain to catch another glimpse. Now I must face the real questions. Can I go into the yard at night without fear? Will I be able to walk the lawn in the late evenings barefoot as is my wont (next summer mind you, it is too cold now)?

Here is a list of issues I must face:

1. Did I really see the snake?
2. Did the hate vibe and evil looks I sent in the snake's direction scare it off?
3. Has it burrowed underground for the winter?
4. Is it slowly trying to dig under my house trying to find a means to hide under my bed?
5. Is the snake plotting to come in through my window on a rainy night like I once saw in an unnamed movie where this cobra slithered through a window to kill the unsuspecting sleeper? I think seeing this scene in a movie as a youngster help fuel my fear of snakes. Does anyone know what movie this was? I turned the channel in terror.
6. Is the snake now sending out weird snake signals to encourage his buddies to infest my house as in the article found at Goldbloom's place?
7. What made all of the holes in my yard, and am I facing an infestation of reptiles next summer?
8. How do I kill the son of a bitch when I cannot find it?
9. How do you kill a snake when you are terrified of them. I live inside the city limits so shooting it (my first choice) is not an option.
10. Will the terrifying dreams about snakes ever stop?

At my old house I had birds and ducks and geese and bunnies and frogs. Here I have snakes. I am not sure I made an upgrade. I have yet to see a bunny here. Is that a bad sign? Maybe that is because of the ferral cats roaming the neighborhood. BTW, if I decide to shoot the now invisible snake in the event it decides to again reveal itself, the damn loadmouth tan cat is getting it too. Shitting on my sidewalk is not amusing.

Watch some football and have a happy Sunday.

Indiana Evening

I took this picture out my car window with a camera phone last night. Not bad for 50 mph.

A post where Hoosierboy becomes a liar

In memory of Chase Hubler...


I know I said I would never post a youtube video. This is my son's friend, who died in a car wreck a week ago. He was a very talented magician who had invented some illusions.

Finally Friday

Thank goodness it is Friday, what a long lousy week.

I went out to do my afternoon snake hunt yesterday. The basilisk was hiding due to the rain and cold wind. I am sure he is inching closer to the house, plotting my demise. As the grass is shorter, and dying, I have noticed a number of holes all about one inch or so in diameter near the storage barn and brook. Some are on the house side of the water. This is a bad omen. Did the previous owner poke holes in the yard at random? Is it rodents? Could it be crawdads? Is there a veritable herd of black mambas twisting and twining their evil bodies in a huge underground warren beneath my property? Am I going to have to burn the house and move?

In the spirit of my snake infestation, for the Friday Five:

What scares you?

Here is my list:

1. SNAKES
2. Spiders
3. Heights -- this is strange as I used to be a roofer, and there was nothing I would not try to climb in my youth. Heck, I have jumped out of airplanes.
4. Bridges. This does not bother me so much anymore.
5. Failure

And I should mention, I am afraid of snakes.

Common you lurkers, play along. Give me your comments -- What are you afraid of? Do it for the chillrin, do it for the little kittens and puppies at the animal shelters.

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The Drain is Now Clear

I wrote the pitiful "poor me" post below yesterday afternoon. I did not post it until this morning, because I could not decide if I should. I may delete it later. I have already deleted two posts this week, the first posts ever.

I was sitting at the table this morning checking Emails and working a little when I realized I have, to quote a song from one of my favorite movies, "Plenty to be thankful for" (come on, anyone know what movie that is from?).

I am thankful I could make blueberry muffins last night. There are plenty in the world who are hungry and do not have the ability to stir up a couple boxes of Jiffy mix on a whim.

I am thankful I could have bacon and Cherry Pepsi for breakfast this morning. There are some who want to impose laws against the eating of pork. Personally, I think that is one reason the Islomofascists are so crazy. They do not get to enjoy the wonderful taste of bacon or barbecued pork chops. Plus they do not get beer or the opportunity to see nubile young women in tight jeans and T-shirts at the mall.

I am thankful the nutjobs mentioned above think so little of Indiana they did not even threaten top blow up our stadium this week. Having the team from the Nation's Capital was not even enough to get us noticed. Fuck em -- I will not target any of their cities in retaliation.

I really think Ralphd00d is right, there is just not much to post on these days. If I ain't interested how do I expect you to be? In any case, am I the only one sick of the political commercials? Good G-d, does anyone really buy the crap that the local Republican Representative is unfit for office because some crazy homo-pervert sent text messages to a page? How can the Democrat National committee produce such an ad with Stubbs, Frank, and Clinton in their ranks? Besides, I thought sex was none of our fucking business? Man, I hate hypocrites. In the same vein (you have to be local for this) does anyone really believe foreign countries are asking and begging for Dick Lugar to come and blow up their missiles? Besides, he is running for re-election to the Senate unopposed, why is he running ads anyway?

After I mowed on Sunday I was standing on the bridge looking at the creek and I saw a snake on the other bank. If you are new here I should explain I am wet-my-pants-scared of snakes. I hate them even more than Arabs who are trying to blow up football stadiums. It was curled up and looked to be about nine foot (or maybe about 12-14 inches) long. It was gray with darker gray patches on its side. The head had a little yellow tint. The serpent was maybe an inch or so in diameter. I am sure it was poisonous. I tried to look up pictures of snakes on the internet and I could not find a description or picture that fit this giant python living in my backyard. I am equally sure it is now plotting a way across the creek and into my bedroom, so it can hide under my bed. I threw a stick at it. I went to get my hoe (the garden tool not my wife -- hah!) so I could chop it up. The snake (king cobra?) was gone when I got back. I have warily searched for the little bastard every day since, but it is not to be found. I covered and filled a couple of crawdad holes with logs and sticks in case he is hiding there. I contemplated pouring Drano down the holes, but what if the poisonous snake where to jump up and wrap his anaconda sized scales around my neck while I was hunched over the hole? Did I mention I hate snakes?

Viva bacon, down with snakes and terrorists who want to ruin football. If you know how to get rid of the damn rattlesnakes in my yard let me know. I have not slept for a week without dreaming of killer serpents and it is getting to me. The evidence is the crybaby post below.

The toilet is clogged

I sit here, willing words of wisdom and insight to spew forth from my fingertips through the keyboard to the world wide web in a desperate effort to entertain, educate and amuse you. Do not move to the edge of your seat, it is not going to happen today.

I find myself in a serious funk. I think back at the course of this year, 2006, and realize I have written this post many times. This has been the toughest year of my life. So many bad things have happened ( I have not related the half of it here), and we are but three quarters through the pages of the calendar. Each day I get out of bed, cringing like a beaten cur, dreading the kick I know is coming. I try hard to remind myself that for each bad event, good has followed. Then another calamity strikes. Knock me down and I get back up -- it is just a little slower with each passing day.

I am worried about my oldest boy. He has few friends and the senseless untimely death of one of his few comrades has left him devastated. He has shut out the world, he will not eat, refuses to talk with family or counselors. I recognize the stages of grief in him, anger, denial, etc. Finally last night he talked a little, remembering some good times, but this morning he was again grim. I feel a complete failure as a parent because I do not know how to reach him, to ease his suffering. Part of me is just afraid he will not wait for time to heal his wounds. Even committing such a thought to the Ethernet terrifies me, the very utterance could make it come true. Yesterday he faced the emotional battering ram of the viewing, the visitation. What a horrid tradition. Today he lies the body of his 17 year old buddy to rest. He does not want his mother or I to accompany him to the funeral. I grieve for my son. I pray to God to ease his pain.

Already, he is like me, he is pissed at the phonies who are pouring out their tears for a person they hardly knew. I am still pissed at the phonies who did the same at the funeral of a friend who died in a similar accident when we were both in high school -- more than 25 years ago. I hate that kind of shit. Hypocritical bastards.

My son is like me. We do not discuss feelings, emotion is a weakness, crying a shame. That is the other burden I shoulder, I am scared it is I who taught him to bottle up his emotions, prevented him from a healthy release. "Be tough", always my words when he was hurt. Sometimes you just cannot be tough.

Each of you is a complete stranger, and here I sit pouring out my concerns like the gossip at the beauty shop. You are like my friends. Most days I spend more time with you, my virtual friends, than I do my family. I enjoy reading of your lives, your work, your jokes and opinions. When you do not post I miss you. So I guess the whole point of this post is to thank you for being there, for reading this drivel, for sharing my life and yours.

I am not the first to ponder why we do this strange hobby. 99% of our friends, neighbors and family will get a puzzled look in their eyes when you mention the blog world. Nearly every day I try to pound out something. Some days I think it is good, some days I cannot believe the shit I post. Most days I think the content is in the middle. I know why I do it though. I do it for me. Fat in Indiana keeps the old emotional cork from blowing. I assure you most of you would be disappointed by the real me. I do imagine a bit of my hidden personality reflects from the mythical persona of Hoosierboy. I find much of life amusing. Some of the stuff I post I think is really funny, based on the response, some of your are not quite as amused. Rest assured if I make a joke about you, it is the highest form of compliment. The problem is, I find little in life amusing these days.

Thus ends another session of self catharsis. I should have shuttered this site long ago. It is boring and self-indulgent. For some reason 50-70 of you stop by here daily. I guess you visit for the same reason people slow to see a train wreck or watch skateboard videos of guys getting their balls racked -- you cannot help yourself. I lack the skills to become more popular, the majority of you I think visit from habit. Thanks, whatever your reasons. As long as putting up the old daily post keeps me amused I will continue.

In conclusion, thanks for putting up with the increasing number of these "poor me" posts. I just reread the disjointed ramblings of the preceding paragraphs. I cannot believe you have not quit reading already. Too bad, I am not going to rewrite 20 minutes of pouring out my soul. Link me, give me comments, come back tomorrow. It will all get better. Oh, yeah: don't forget to vote. The thought of Nancy Pelosi in charge would put me over the edge. You do not want that on your head do you?

Friday Funny

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency,
was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning
Catholic."